March 08, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Am I a ZERO for the fact that the Terps have now lost all 3 road trips I’ve made this year? I have to stay away I guess. Anyhoo (I hate that word); you know how this works. 15 were awesome; 7 got lucky, and there was a major ZERO.

You rule…..

1-Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, Matt Hammill, and Shane Carwin


There’s nothing I like better than a knockout; and UFC 96 Saturday night had a few of them. Hammill DEVASTATED Mark Munoz with a kick; and Carwin bounced back from early trouble to lay out Gabriel Gonzaga. I was surprised that Quinton Jackson had to go the distance with Keith Jardine; but it was a damn good fight. I can only imagine all of the fighters sat around and talked about their feelings with each other afterwards.

2-Brad Bergesen and Scott Moore

Bergesen has looked like the best pitcher in Ft. Lauderdale (save for maybe Koji Uehara); and Moore is hitting over .400. Naturally neither will be at Camden Yards on Opening Day; and we will instead have the pleasure of seeing Mark Hendrickson and Chris Gomez. Yay!

3-Mamadi Diane and Tyler Hansbrough

That’s how Senior Night is supposed to work. You lay it all on the line; and you make the biggest shots when you’re supposed to. Dave Neal ALMOST accomplished it, but Mamadi Diane DID. And I had the thrilling opportunity to spend 7 hours Saturday driving to and from Charlottesville to witness it. Yay! Hansbrough was good too; and at least Duke fans had another chance to be miserable. That’s something we can all enjoy.

4-Kyle Wharton, Grant Catalino, and RJ Wickham

Hopkins, Maryland, and Navy were all lacrosse winners this weekend; while Towson, UMBC, and Loyola fell. That means 3 of 4 Baltimore teams were losers. If we don’t win at lacrosse; what the hell do we win at? Drinking Natty Boh? That’s good too.

5-Jay Greene and Troy Franklin

Greene was PHENOMENAL for UMBC Sunday; scoring 29 to lift the Retrievers past Albany and into the finals of the America East Tournament and extending his career at least another week. Franklin scored in double digits in all 3 games Towson played this weekend in a surprising run to the CAA semifinals, hopefully a sign of things to come. Loyola played in their conference tournament too…..but unfortunately they don’t give medals for participation like they used to give me in Little League.

6-Dwight Howard

Everybody was excited when the Celtics beat the Cavaliers; but I hate Boston, so I was bitter. To my excitement, Howard put together a double double to lift the Magic over the C’s Sunday; and now Boston fans are angry again. When reached for comment, Joe from Boston said “Sahwx Rule!!!!!”

7-Sidney Ponson

I NEVER thought I’d be writing this name on this blog again. But…….he was pretty good Saturday in lifting the Netherlands team (is it fair that the Arubans get to play for the Netherlands? Wouldn’t that be like Puerto Rican players playing for Team USA? I digress…..) to a stunning upset over the Dominicans in the World Baseball Classic. In related news; they’re holding a World Baseball Classic again this year. I’m surprised I hadn’t heard anything previously……

8-Charles Barkley

Drunk driving is NOT a laughing matter; and I’m not trying to downplay the importance of it. But Barkley probably doesn’t deserve the jail sentence he received; and certainly doesn’t deserve to have to serve it in Sherriff Joe Arpaio’s “Tent City” jail. But he’s serving his time; and he gave Arizona’s sherriff a little bit of a middle finger when he showed up looking like this…..


and chuckling. Good stuff Chuck. Now stay out of trouble.

9-Cornell, East Tennessee State, Radford, Morehead State, Northern Iowa

This is why March is the best month of the year. A month ago; players on these teams were walking around their campuses; and when someone bumped into them they heard “Why don’t you watch where you’re going, you freaking oaf!” But this week, when someone bumps into them on campus they’ll hear “Why don’t you watch where you’re going you freaking oaf! And good luck next week!” It’s a magical time.

10-Will Barton and Antonio Barton

Many of the biggest high school basketball stars in the state won’t be in College Park next weekend fighting for state titles at Comcast Center; but two definitely will. Will and Antonio Barton combined for 27 to lift Lake Clifton to a 56-54 win over Milford Mill to win the 3A North title Friday night. I’ll spare Drew Forrester from reminding him that Thomas Stone beat Glen Burnie 73-58 to end their season. Oh wait, I guess I ruined that.

11-Kurt Busch and Y.E. Yang

I’d tell you more about how these guys won the weekend events in NASCAR and golf respectively; but it’s not like you’d care. Kurt Busch did his victory lap backwards; which is the first cool thing I’ve seen in NASCAR since………ever.

12-Ed Hale, Billy Ronson and Richard Chinapoo

Look, 1st Mariner Arena is a dump. It’s just a miserable place to go. But I will admit that had the Blast not been around this season (as was VERY close to happening), there would be a lot of people bummed to not go root for their favorite soccer team. I went down Friday night, and had a great time watching the blast beat Monterrey. On Saturday night, Ronson and Chinapoo were added to the Blast Hall of Fame; and beat Philadelphia to clinch home field advantage for the NISL Championship. Just try saying “Chinapoo” without giggling. I didn’t think so.

13-Andy Roddick and the Bryan Brothers

Why is it that when America had the best tennis players in the world; they never won the Davis Cup? All of a sudden the Americans have NONE of the best tennis players in the world, and they suddenly can’t lose? The bigger story may have been the fact that Israel rallied to knock off Sweden; despite protests of Israel that were so terrifying that no one was allowed to attend the matches…..

davis cup

I was going to make a joke about how the Arena still had more fans than some Orioles games I’ve been to; but that would have been in poor taste.

14-The Travel Channel

I enjoy watching the Travel Channel because it gives me the chance to consider places I might visit on vacation this summer it gives me a chance to wish I had a life better than the one I have where I sit in my boxers and eat ramen noodles. But as if I didn’t enjoy it enough already; they’re adding two new shows. One is “Dhani Tackles the Globe“, where Bengals LB Dhani Jones visits other countries and tries new sports. Sounds good. The other is “Bridget’s Sexiest Beaches.” I know nothing about the show, but……


…..something tells me I’ll watch.

15-Chick-Fil-A’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich and Pete’s Wicked Strawberry Blonde

petes chickfila

I wish I could’ve found a better picture of the sandwich; but if you’re breathing, you’ve had one. (Edit from GMC: That was a gross overstatement. You don’t have to be breathing to have enjoyed a Chick-Fil-A Spicy Chicken Sandwich.) I can’t FATHOM why this thing is only a “test” and hasn’t been rolled out to the rest of the country as a means to save us from any conversation about Rush Limbaugh, the economy, Chris Brown/Rihanna, etc. Think you’re having a bad day? Have a spicy chicken sandwich. Bad day gone. On another note; if you’re wondering what the circumstances were that lead me to a late night feast of Pete’s Strawberry Blonde and Chick-Fil-A; you should probably stop wondering about things. Butt out, nosey.

You got lucky…..

1-Terrell Owens

Drew Rosenhaus says the Bills had to win a bidding war for Terrell Owens’ services. Trust me on this. If ANY other team in the NFL was interested in Owens; he would have signed elsewhere. In fact, I believe he nearly signed with the Los Angeles Xtreme; and the XFL hasn’t been around since 2001. Which reminds me……was there anything greater than the XFL? Ever?

2-Pittsburgh Penguins

I don’t mean to beat up the greatest player in the world; but would it hurt Alex Ovechkin to convert on a shootout opportunity like…….ONCE? The Caps got just 1 stinking point on a 4 game homestand; but clearly that whole “let’s not bother to make any moves at the trade deadline” idea was a good one, right? Anyway, the Penguins did a nice job of blowing a 3-1 lead before ultimately pulling out a win. As always, I’d like to send my best wishes to the victors and their fans in the Steel City by saying “Get Bent.” I’m classy like that.

3-Brenda Frese and the ACC Champion Maryland Terrapins

The saying is that it is “better to be lucky that to be good.” But how about when a team is both REALLY freaking good AND lucky? The Terps were lucky throughout the weekend in Greensboro; rallying after spotting Wake Forest a 12 point 2nd half lead; and blowing a last minute lead in the final against Duke. But the Terps rallied again; finishing off the Devils to win their first ACC Championship in 20 years. This quick reminder……”Duke sucks.”

4-Rakim Sanders and Anthony Brock

If Rakim Sanders had missed his last second shot and BC lost at home to Georgia Tech; the Eagles might be joining Maryland in wondering if they had any hope of salvaging a trip to the NCAA Tournament. Alabama HAS no hope of going dancing (unless they win the pathetic SEC Tournament); but Anthony Brock’s buzzer-beater to beat Tennessee was still pretty cool. But the SEC is terrible. And by “terrible” I mean “seriously; don’t let your kids watch. Ever.”

5-Joe Paterno


Kudos to the guys over at The Big Lead for doing exactly what the rest of us wanted to do upon hearing that there was a news story involving Florida State. Instead of giving us the important details; they offered a picture of legendary FSU fan Jenn Sterger (on the right) and two of her friends in swimwear that I THINK still legally qualifies as bikinis. Although I’m not totally certain. Anyhoo (I bet you hate that word now too!), Bobby Bowden is going to have to vacate some wins; so Joe Paterno’s road to retiring/dying as the all-time wins leader in college football just got easier. They’re all gonna feel stupid when James Franklin ends up surpassing both of them in 2052.


I don’t know about you; but when I saw a trailer for the movie “Watchmen” in movie theaters or on TV; the first thing that came to my mind wasn’t “I have to see that movie.” It might have been “What the hell?” or “I don’t get it”; but it certainly wasn’t “Let me get out and see that immediately.” But I guess there are more nerds in the world than me; as the movie opened to a $55.7 million first weekend. I wish they could track how many people went to see that movie dateless.

7-My Couch

This entry is prefaced on the concept that my couch enjoys the company of my ass. Of course, if my couch does NOT enjoy the company of my ass; it was particularly unlucky. But we’ll work with the first assumption. During the day; I did nothing more than watch the ACC Women’s Championship, UMBC, Towson, Duke/Carolina, Suns/Spurs, Caps/Penguins, The Davis Cup, World Baseball Classic, Virginia Tech/Florida State, Clemson/Wake, some other college basketball, Family Guy, and more. At one point my remote control actually got drunk and even ended up flipping to Golf and NASCAR. I would have been watching Virginia/Cornell Lacrosse too; but my TV doesn’t get those channels (stupid TV). The saddest thing about today is the reminder that in a month; we will be forced to watch the Orioles play the Royals and some golf Tournament Tiger Woods isn’t playing in with no other options. Ugh. Also, I hear the weather was nice out Sunday. I say I “hear” because going outside to actually find out would have involved me getting off the couch. If you don’t know why that wasn’t an option; you didn’t read this entry. I’ll forgive you. This time.

You’re a ZERO….

Springing Forward

I don’t care what you say about daylight and those things; there is NOTHING cool about losing an hour of sleep…….ever. Especially after a day where I NEEDED to go out drinking after a miserable trip to Charlottesville and a UFC Pay-Per-View on. Losing sleep SUCKS. And I don’t care about those of you that say “It sucks to get out of work and already have the sun down.” When I wake up, the sun is down. I deal with it. And while I’m here, what’s the deal with the airline food? You’ve been a great audience. I’ll be in Dayton next week and Erie in April. Try the stuffed cabbage.