15-7-0

March 23, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Sorry I missed last Sunday; I was busy with the Selection Sunday show on WNST. But I’m back; and I hope you know how this works. 15 deserve props; 7 got lucky; and someone was a total zero. And since we started keeping tabs at noon on Thursday (god bless this country); we’ll go from there.

As a note….you will find some real sports analysis in this blog; and you will also find some childish frat guy jokes. If you don’t like it; you’re not the only one.

You deserve props:

1-Tyreke Evans and Antonio Anderson

I don’t much care to spend a whole lot of time breaking this down. I think Memphis does some shady stuff (they have to; they’re in freaking Conference USA), and I don’t think Greivis Vasquez helped much by spouting off (Do you think humble pie tastes similar to sweet potato pie?). Evans and Anderson were terrific though; and now I can sit back and enjoy…..ummm…….baseball? Ugh.

2-Kristi Toliver

Can I just retire Kristi Toliver from the 15-7-0 already? At halftime of Sunday’s NCAA Tournament opener against Dartmouth, she had as many points (23) as The Big Green. And speaking of The Big Green……..does anyone remember THIS classic?

bg

Who the hell was that kid? I know he was in “The Sandlot” too; since The Sandlot is amongst the greatest motion pictures of all time. Damn this is gonna bug me. He played “Squints”, right? (Edit from GMC: He actually played Hamilton “Ham” Porter. “Squints” was the nerdy kid who made out with Wendy Peffercorn. SERIOUS apologies for sleeping on something Sandlot-related.) ARGH. Between The Big Green and The Sandlot; you know that kid had to get all sorts of chicks in middle school.

Now what were you saying about women’s basketball? Oh right…..

3-Kyle Busch

Has there been a NASCAR race this season that Kyle Busch didn’t win? I ask because I really don’t know. I think he won the Daytona 500; but all I remember about that race was that they stopped it in the 5th inning. Did he win something else? Have there been other races? Where is my girlfriend when I need my shirt ironed? These are all important questions.

4-Russ Pennell

If you don’t know this cat’s story; you’re missing out. A year ago, I was sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Chandler, Arizona (I believe the place was called Valle Luna) enjoying some salsa and talking about the NIT. Pennell was working as a radio analyst for Arizona State; after a nice little career as an assistant coach. I was doing a Cinco de Mayo show at that very same Mexican joint when I got the text from Russ saying he was going to become an assistant at Arizona. Little did he know that Lute Olson would never coach another game; and he’d be forced to be the head man all season knowing that the school would be hiring someone else at season’s end. With wins over Utah and Cleveland State; Pennell’s team is now in the Sweet 16. I’m still eating Mexican food. I think he’ll find a decent job when all of this is said and done. I’ll be debating the merits of pineapple salsa in comparison to green salsa. Welcome to the good life.

5-Ty Wigginton

This guy is gonna be a nice addition to this team. He’s not a great player; but he doesn’t have to be. He’ll give them some pop and will have the chance to platoon a bit at First, Third, and DH. I’ll save you the “But can he pitch?” joke; but I will hit you with the obligatory “Hopefully he’s good enough for us to trade him in July for something worthwhile.” Look, I’d tell you I was excited about baseball; but I’m just not much of a liar.

6-Rafael Nadal and Vera Zvonareva

Nadal is awesome. Andy Murray is pretty good; and he won a whopping three games against Rafa at the Indian Wells final Sunday. Now; we could sit here and talk about what Vera Zvonareva did to win her title; or we can play “Would you?”. It’s your call…..

vera

I feel like this is one of those “how many drinks have I had” type of answers. I’ll say yes. I’m sure she’s honored.

7-Blake Griffin

61 points, 30 rebounds, 2 wins, 1 bloody nose, and of course this…….

blake g

……I’ve gone on weekend benders in Vegas that weren’t as eventful. At least until mom showed up. How do you spell MOP again? (This joke would be better if you knew that MOP stood for “Most Outstanding Player”. Instead you think something weird happened in Vegas involving my mom and a mop. I mean; that’s true too, but it has nothing to do with what I was talking about here.)

8-Retief Goosen

They played golf this weekend. Retief Goosen won. With a gun to my head or a million dollars on the line; I couldn’t tell you what the event was called, where the event was held; or whether or not Tiger Woods played this weekend. Golf sucks. Deal with it Forrester.

9-Giuliano Celenza and John Jiloty

Celenza scored 4 goals and added an assist as the Blast beat Massachusetts in their final regular season home game. Inside Lacrosse’s John Jiloty ran circles around the rest of us; and either scored the only goal or assisted on the only goal of the Blast’s annual “Celebrity” halftime game. I ran around for 10 minutes and needed an IV in the locker room. In a year; I’ll be about ready to do ten minutes worth of running again.

10-Vitali Klitschko, Roy Jones Jr., and Bobby Lashley

Three weekend fight winners; so where do we start. First, despite that fact that Vitali (“Vit-AL-ee”) has now apparently suddenly changed his name to Vitali (“Vee-tuh-lee”); no one gives a crap about Heavyweight boxing. The fight was on ESPN Classic; which is the closest anything boxing related will come to being considered “Classic” at this point in time. The guy he fought was apparently a former sparring partner, and from what I saw of the highlights; nothing changed after the bell rang. There’s a joke here about how the fight wasn’t on Pay Per View but people asked for their money back anyway; but I’ll let you write the punchline.

Moving on to “March Badness” (Roy Jones Jr.’s Pay-Per-View); I like EVERYTHING about this concept. Schedule a bunch of boxing matches on the same night as a bunch of MMA fights. There’s nothing about 3 hours of dudes kicking each others asses that doesn’t sound like fun to me. But here’s a quick note to RJJ…..if you’re going to put a card like this together; maybe you should actually PROMOTE the damn thing. I would have gladly asked someone else I know to buy this fight on Pay-Per-View (I don’t HAVE any money); especially since former WWE star Lashley seems like he’s probably a cool fighter to watch. I would ESPECIALLY have bought this fight had I known that there was a guy on the card who looks like this…….

roynelson

Why in the hell didn’t anyone tell me Ray Bachman was fighting?????

11-I Love You, Man

Apparently “Knowing” starring Nicholas Cage made more money this weekend than “I Love You, Man” did. But something tells me there’s a reason why “Knowing” has 25% approval on RottenTomatoes.com; while “I Love You, Man” has 82% approval. “I Love You Man” was great; but you probably expected that. Paul Rudd is a legitimate movie star; and the movie featured a house with a Lou Ferrigno statue. For absolutely no reason at all; here’s a photo of Lou Ferrigno. I enjoy sharing…..

lou

12-Bemidji State Beavers

The NCAA Ice Hockey Tournament brackets were announced Sunday; and Boston University, Notre Dame, Michigan, and Denver are the #1 seeds. But the story of the Tournament is that there is a team in the Tournament called Bemidji State. They’re apparently in Minnesota; and unbelievably this is the THIRD time they’ve made the NCAA Tournament. I don’t know anything else about Bemidji State; but if you were planning on buying me something for Easter (and I hope you will), I recommend this pennant……

bemidji

13-Jim Calhoun

Has anyone noticed that UConn has won their first two NCAA Tournament games by a combined 82 points? And Calhoun didn’t even bother to show up for one of them? How freaking good is this team? I remember back before I disliked Calhoun; I rooted for Richard Hamilton’s team because I couldn’t stomach seeing Duke win the title in 1999. Now, when I see that commercial with Hamilton’s fall away to beat Washington; I hope he somehow misses it. And then someone comes out and punches Calhoun in the stomach. It hasn’t happened that way yet. But hopefully it will.

14-Dasiuke Matsuzaka and Shin-Soo Choo

I decided to get excited about the World Baseball Classic Sunday……just in time to see Team USA destroyed by Japan. I’m sure I’ll get excited about baseball again……..at some point in my life.

15-Leinenkugel’s Classic Amber

beer

If I can’t help but include some new beer I’ve tried every weekend when I write these things; does it mean I have a problem? I don’t care. My girlfriend knew I was going to want to spend the weekend sitting on the couch and watching basketball; so she whipped up a batch of buffalo chicken dip and grabbed me a 6-pack of this frosty brew; and then sat in the bedroom naked while I watched hoops. I can’t believe I just wrote that. It’s actually 100% true. I’m just gonna stop complaining now…….wow.

You got lucky:

1-Duke & Gonzaga

As my buddy over at Awful Announcing said; it was about time the NCAA Tournament got interesting. This isn’t James Forrest or Drew Nicholas type-stuff; but Jon Scheyer flipping the ball 70 feet from out of nowhere like that was pretty cool. And Demetri Goodson can now be assured of not having success in his professional career; as Forrest, Nicholas, Laetter, Tate George, Ty Edney, etc etc etc. have gone on to do NOTHING in the NBA. Enjoy it while it lasts!

2-Jarrett Jack

This story is weird; because it comes from the NBA-which absolutely does NOT matter right now. But it is at least MODERATELY interesting; because it involves a fight. Jack and Pacers teammate T.J. Ford went at it Friday night about…..I dunno…..maybe what the Broncos should be doing with Jay Cutler. It doesn’t really matter; but they got in a fight. One night later; Jack replaced Ford in the starting lineup; then scored 31 points in a Pacers win. When approached by Ford after Saturday night’s game; I’m pretty sure Jack quoted the great Shaquille O’Neal in saying “Tell me how my ass tastes.”

3-Ronald Moore

Stephen Curry he’s not; but Ronald Moore made it fun while it lasted for Siena Friday night. They might have been eliminated by Louisville Sunday; but after hitting two shots like that, Moore will likely never have to buy a drink again when he visits………..where the hell is Siena anyway???

4-Ryan Nizolek, Dan Groot, and Alex Hopmann

Nizolek had to tip away a pass in the last seconds for Virginia to beat Hopkins; Groot scored a lucky game winner to lift Maryland to a one goal win over a Carolina team that hasn’t won an ACC game in forever; and Hopmann put home an overtime winner to lift UMBC past Ohio State.

Note to the game of lacrosse: If you wanted to put together one of the most exciting weekends of the year; maybe the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament wasn’t the best time. There better be exciting games the rest of the way.

5-Roburt Sallie and Kim English

This is why you can’t screw with the NCAA Tournament. It’s freaking perfect. There is a DEFINITE possibility that Roburt Sallie was so unknown going into this weekend that I would almost be STUNNED to find out that no writer in Memphis accidentially misspelled his name as Robert. (I don’t mean to get off track; but what the hell with that anyway? Your name is Robert. Spell it right for god’s sake.) And Kim English looked like Michael Jordan for 4 minutes; but is so unknown that he was put back on the bench and needed a teammate to fake an injury for another chance to be a hero. Why do I bother putting pants on at all during the month of March?

6-Alex Rodriguez

If you needed a reminder of the difference between your life and A-Rod’s, here’s another. When you went looking for a “working girl” to spend the evening with; you found……

hooker

……classy. Now; when Alex Rodriguez went looking for a “working girl” to spend the evening with; he found……

hooker

and it gets BETTER! A-Rod didn’t even have to pay!!! Plus; despite the fact that a source outed A-Rod as a client who also admitted his steroid use to the call girl (name: Kristin Davis); she STILL won’t dog him out! And she’s pimping a book! I smell a sequel!!!

7-Jason “Mayhem” Miller

Mayhem

Look, I don’t know much about this cat; but he appears to be a legitimate Mixed Martial Artist; so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for the fact that his picture makes him look like a tool. The guy has put together a pretty decent career (including a win over Robbie Lawler according to Wikipedia); but my best guess is that you’ve never heard of him. The good news for Miller is that you MIGHT hear about him soon. Miller is the host of the new show “Bully Beatdown”; which basically gives nerds the chance to have the kids who bully them at school get their ass kicked by a MMA fighter. The show almost has to be staged; but since I doubt we are going to convince Johnny Knoxville to come out of his successful Hollywood career to return to his Jackass life; this is about as much as MTV has. Best of luck to you Jason.

You’re a ZERO….

Florida State, Clemson, Wake Forest, and Boston College

At least Maryland won A GAME before being shalacked two days later against a team from a non-power conference! I take back everything I said about the ACC; the league sucks. Okay, I don’t really mean that; but Thursday and Friday night were pretty embarrassing for the league; and even Virginia Tech got blown out at home by Baylor in the NIT Saturday afternoon. Duke and Carolina weren’t exactly overwhelming Saturday night; either. I guess we know for sure that the Big East was the best conference in basketball this season.

(This note for Bonetti: The MAAC won more games (1-0) than the ACC (0-3) on Friday. Ugh.)

-G

Comments on Facebook

Comments are closed.