March 30, 2009 | Glenn Clark

15 get props, 7 got lucky, and someone was a ZERO. If you had Pitt or Louisville winning the NCAA Tournament; you join the last group. (If you were heartless, you might be thinking to yourself; “Gee Glenn, didn’t you have Oklahoma winning your bracket? Aren’t you kind of a zero too?” But I don’t think you’re heartless. And I love you for that.)

By the way; did anyone even realize Pops Mensah-Bonsu was still in the NBA? John Anderson on SportsCenter just excused his lack of hustle on having “a lot of letters in his last name.” That’s brilliant. After seeing that; I seriously thought about giving “Pops” instead of “props.” I later changed my mind.

You get props…..

1-Brian Pothier

Pothier’s career almost ended a year ago when he suffered a concussion that continued to give him headaches and dizziness. But after recently getting a new pair of glasses, Pothier got over the headaches and was able to return to the Caps’ lineup and score the game winner Friday over the Lightning. I got a pair of glasses once; and all it did for me was get me beat up by a group of 8th graders for looking like a nerd. Jocks have all the luck.

2-Scottie Reynolds and Tyler Evans

Scottie Reynolds his an ALMOST buzzer beating layup to end Villanova’s 24 year Final Four drought by knocking off Pitt. Evans drilled an overtime 3 AT the buzzer to lift Findlay to the Division 2 National Championship over Cal Poly Pomona. I’d show you the video; but there is currently a CBS lawyer standing over my shoulder preventing me from looking at any more than 2 seconds of NCAA Tournament video. They did offer me the opportunity to show you 22 minutes of “2 and a Half Men” instead; but I think too highly of you to do something like that.

3-Luke Scott

3 more home runs for “Luuuuuuuuke” this weekend. Interestingly enough; Pie has 3 home runs for his entire career. But I’m not here to be negative. Instead; my friend Dave and I decided to play the “Scott” game. Here are the results….

Round 1: I said Stuart Scott; Dave countered with “3D Dennis Scott”…


Round 2: After telling him “Nice pull”; I threw him off a bit by going with Scott Baio. Not to be one-upped; Dave countered with Scott Bakula.


Round 3: A hearty “Well played” from me; before relying on The University of Maryland’s own Scott Van Pelt. Dave said to me, “that’s a pretty good one!” But what do you think about Scott Erickson?


Round 4: I thought about a picture of Scott’s wife Lisa Guerrero in her underwear for a second; then realized I was going to need to pull something strong to finish this one off. I asked him if the phrase “Great Scott” would count, and he said no. I then asked him if my childhood friend Jeff Scott would count; and again “no.” Digging deep; it was time for me to deliver the knockout blow. Hmmm……..hmmm……..how about former WWE Star Scotty 2 Hotty????


After thinking for a second; Dave looked back at me and said “Glenn, you’re the King of the Scotts.”

(Editor’s note: this completely pointless exercise took me some 25 minutes to think out, find pictures for, and type out. I’ll never get those 25 minutes back. If you didn’t laugh…….PLEASE…….humor me. Just a chuckle. Thanks!)

4-Tom Izzo and Roy Williams

Note to idiot Kentucky fans. Tom Izzo IS NOT COMING TO YOUR SCHOOL. In fact, Tom Izzo is not going to ANY other school. EVER. Izzo is a GREAT coach; and proved it again this year in leading a Spartans team that is realistically not the most talented team he’s ever had back to the Final Four. Roy Williams came up with a defensive scheme that frustrated Blake Griffin and forced the rest of the Sooners to have to beat his Tar Heels. They couldn’t get the job done; and by the time Griffin came around, it was too late; as the Heels had punched their ticket to the Final Four. Somewhere, Gary Williams said to the first person he saw with a pen “we beat both North Carolina and Michigan State this season.” There was no point to the statement; he just wanted to remind us.

Also, what is CBS’ obsession is constantly showing a cougar in the stands during the NCAA Tournament? Last year it was Sonya Curry….


and of course this year it’s been Lupe Izzo…..


5-Jimmie Johnson

Do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with NASCAR-related shtick week in and week out; especially seeing as how I know next to nothing about racing? This is only like Week 3 of the season too. (Editor’s Note: This was apparently the 6th weekend of the season…..how in the hell was I supposed to know?) Anyway….blah blah blah…..left turns. Blah blah blah……Skoal and Budweiser. It’s your turn to write the damn jokes.

6-Jason Belmonte

Imagine my confusion upon reading this headline…..

“Australia’s Belmonte First Two-Handed Player to Win a PBA Title”

You mean to tell me ever bowler to ever win a professional championship had just one hand?????

No, that’s not true at all. Actually, Belmonte is merely the first player to THROW the ball with two hands and win a professional title. Which is also kinda interesting; because it basically means that the guy never grew out of the “granny style” way of throwing a bowling ball. Which of course now means that every grandmother everywhere should be considered a candidate to win a professional bowling title. If you’d like to see a video of this weirdo throwing a bowling ball with two hands; click here. If you’d like to see a video of cute puppies; click here. I’m a man who believes in having choices.

7-Colin McNamara

Got a note from Catonsville Lacrosse Coach Jeff Mohler that I figured I should pass along. Mohler told me that McNamara had 2 goals and an assist on Friday (including the game winner in overtime) to help Catonsville beat Dulaney……..for the first time in school history. This was a stunning loss for Dulaney; who hadn’t lost to a county team in years. To celebrate; the Catonsville kids ran over to UMBC to rip down the goalposts. Upon finding out there was no football team; they settled for throwing rocks at Phil Stern’s house. (Editor’s note: That was actually NOT how the Catonsville team celebrated; that was just how I chose to spend my Friday night.)

8-Tiger Woods and LeBron James

You know, it’s about time we got some new names on this list. I’ve been doing this list for months now; without a word about this Tiger Woods fella. Which is weird, because he looks like he’s fairly good. Of course, he’s a golfer; so that might explain why I’ve never heard of him.

LeBron James of course did THIS during a 60 Minutes interview Sunday night; the basketball highlight of the weekend. There may have been NBA games played as well; but did any of THEM involve underhanded shots from beyond half court? I didn’t think so.

9-Matt Latham and Bill McCutcheon

3 goals and an assist for Latham in a UMBC win over Stony Brook; 2 goals and an assist for McCutcheon in a Towson win over Drexel. My best accomplishment this weekend? I hit an eagle on 16 in a singles match win over Jim Furyk while playing Tiger Woods Golf on Wii. Wait; do you think that’s the same Tiger Woods as I mentioned in Number 8? This makes WAAAY more sense now.

10-Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. and “Fast” Eddie Chambers

Two big fights this weekend; and Cesar Chavez and Chambers the winners. That’s impressive and all; but I’d like to see either of them beat Kyle Maynard……


Who will be making his MMA debut in Alabama this April. You want me to talk about your fight? Fight that dude and then tell me about it.

11-Luciano Emilio and Frankie Hejduk

I don’t often think there’s much of anything cool about tying; but it’s soccer, so isn’t a tie like the predetermined rule for how a match is going to end? Emilio scored DC United’s only goal in their home opener draw; Hejduk scored the goal to help the US rally for a 2-2 draw at El Salvador in World Cup qualifying. At the end of the night; both men celebrated by kissing their sisters. This leads to the age old question……..if Jessica Biel was your sister; would you be okay kissing her?

12-Busey 101

Thanks to GorillaMask for directing me to this small piece of genius. Before we move forward; these “Gary Busey facts” (Imagine the Chuck Norris facts) are written imagined to have come from the mind of THIS man…..


So; with that in mind…..here are some examples of Gary Busey Facts…..

“Gary Busey auditioned for Ghostbusters in 1983. They offered him the part, but he left the project once he found out it was only a movie.”


“Gary Busey wonders why none of the Brat Pack’s movies took place in Johnsonville”


13-AJ Daulerio, Paul Hagen, Ken Murray and David Simon

Consider it “streed cred” weekend in journalism. So much stuff I liked. First of all; kudos to AJ Daulerio for calling out ESPN blowhard Colin Cowherd’s digs at the world of blogging Friday. Cowherd obviously is just very realistic in knowing that he can use the mentions from bloggers; but instead of just giving Cowherd the attention he so badly wanted; Daulerio actually gave out Cowherd’s PERSONAL PHONE NUMBER. Also in the same Deadspin column; Daulerio offered THIS picture of Homer Bailey….


Moving on; Paul Hagen of the Philadelphia Daily News decided to get real and admit that the Orioles just plain stink. Which is funny, because just 90 minutes south of Philadelphia we’ve known the Orioles have stunk for years. The Sun’s Ken Murray offered a VERY honest take about the night 25 years ago when the Colts left for Indianapolis (Note to Sun editors: DC native David Steele is not the person whose Colts-related opinions I care about).

And then; in a brutally honest moment; FORMER Sun writer David Simon told a UK news source that when he was with the rag; he was told to basically take any trace of intelligence out of his writing. That explains a lot……

14-Derek Trucks Band’s Cover of “Down in the Flood”

I wanna be Bob Dylan. Mr. Jones wishes he was someone just a little more funky. Mr. Trucks is even funkier when he covers Bob Dylan.

That was a poor attempt at a cute quip regarding this new cover of a Bob Dylan tune by the VERY talented Derek Trucks Band. The song is absolutely the best thing I’ve heard in music this year. Well, other than “If You Seek Amy” by Britney Spears.

15-Padma Lakshmi


I’m not going to try to explain this. Just watch the damn commercial and meet me back here in 5 minutes.

You got lucky……

1-Marissa Coleman

Can someone let the Maryland women’s team know that the game starts AT tip-off? They apparently think the game starts 10 minutes AFTER tip-off; meaning they have to get a Jordan-like performance from their senior to survive and advance to the Elite 8. After Coleman finished off her 42 point masterpiece; Greivis Vasquez was quoted as saying “I don’t really think she’s that good.”

2-Steele Stanwick

Let’s start with the name. I have heard the name many times before; but it wasn’t until this weekend that I realized how much better the Virginia lacrosse star’s name is than yours (and mine). Steele Stanwick. I’m just going to be honest here; it’s embarrassing that any of the rest of us even HAVE names knowing there is someone else out there with that name. There should really be two groups of people in this world-people who ARE named Steele Stanwick; and people who AREN’T named Steele Stanwick. The second group should be forced to live in shame.

Moving forward; Stanwick’s Cavaliers did their best to beat Maryland on Saturday; rallying from a 9-6 deficit in the 4th quarter to force overtime. But when Maryland beat the Cavaliers with a breakaway goal to open the overtime period; the Cavs needed the help of the officials and an “inadvertant whistle” to move on. 7 overtimes later, the Cavs were finally winners. Take that Syracuse and UConn!

Did I mention that Syracuse rallied from 4 down to beat Loyola in the 4th quarter; UNC used overtime to knock off Johns Hopkins, and Salisbury’s 1,000 game win streak was snapped by Gettysburg. Apparently the game of college lacrosse didn’t get the message. THERE’S A COLLEGE BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT GOING ON!!!! WAIT TWO WEEKS AND THEN DO THIS!!!

3-Jim Calhoun

When President Clinton was in trouble; he Wagged the Dog by dropping bombs in Afghanistan. When Jim Calhoun found himself in trouble; he wagged the dog by admitting he probably screwed up and kicking Missouri’s ass in the NCAA Tournament. Hey, it worked out well for Clinton…..

4-John Cena

At $5.3 million; John’s Cena’s opening weekend for his new movie “12 Rounds” is being considered a disappointment. Not to me. How in the hell are there enough people in the world willing to see a John Cena movie that the flick made $5.3 million??? I’m not entirely certain that I could stay awake through that garbage if you offered me $5.3 million to see it. And then John Cena challenged Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to a match at next year’s Wrestlemania while at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. What’s worse; wrestlers challenging each other to fake fights; or me knowing what happened at the Nickelodeon Awards?

5-NCAA Hockey Winners Minnesota-Duluth, New Hampshire, Vermont, and Boston University

Where do I start? Duluth needed 2 final minute goals for a first round win; and New Hampshire had to score with .1 seconds on the clock to advance as well. The Tournament ended for both teams in the quarterfinals; with Miami (Ohio) knocking off Duluth, and New Hampshire falling to Boston University thanks to a goal with 14 seconds left. Vermont needed 2 overtimes as well to get to the Frozen Four. There was one team that didn’t need any luck to get to Verizon Center Thursday though……


That’s right; the Beavers are on to the semifinals Thursday night. I need tickets; and I need a shirt. The official team of the 15-7-0 is still dancing; and I can’t possibly tell you how excited I am. I’m really bouncing off walls people. I know more about Jumanji than Bemijdi; and I don’t care. They’re my team. Look; Ray Bachman doesn’t even know where Duke is and claims to be a fan; so why can’t I be a fan of a Bemidji team I know NOTHING about? Speaking of Bachman; I wish someone would have told me he was on the new season of Dancing With The Stars…..


6-Billy Gillespie and Robert Powell

It wasn’t a good weekend for either; but it could have been worse. Gillespie was fired by Kentucky; but turned into a martyr after two reporters chased him down looking for comment. Robert Powell became America’s worst cop when Part 1 and Part 2 of his stand-off with Texans RB Ryan Moats appeared online; but yet he was put on PAID leave. What the hell do you have to do to get fired in the Dallas Police Department????

7-David Spade

This is David Spade’s new girlfriend Nicky Whelan…..


I don’t know who she is, and I don’t care. If this chick is with David Spade for any reason other than the fact that he was in Tommy Boy; there is no justice in the world.

You’re a ZERO…………

Seth Curry

I thought we could have had something special. I didn’t need you to transfer to Maryland Seth; I’ve rooted for athletes that went to other schools. Sometimes. Hell, I’ve been rooting for your brother for the last 3 years despite the fact that I couldn’t get away from him. I make no qualms about the fact that Jack McClinton was absolutely my favorite player in the ACC this year. I even enjoyed watching Adam Morrison play. Had you transferred to Virginia Tech; I could have watched you play in College Park and awkwardly waited to talk to you in the locker room afterwards. It could have been special. I wouldn’t have rooted for your team; but I would’ve rooted for you. But just when things couldn’t have been darker for Duke. When they were embarrassed with one of their worst performances in NCAA Tournament history. When their followers were beginning to question whether Coach K’s style could work anymore. When Duke fans had moved their focus to their other favorite teams (Yankees, USC football, etc); you had to go and do this.

It’s over between us now. It could have been special.