15-7-0

April 06, 2009 | Glenn Clark

15 get props, 7 got lucky, and there was a ZERO.

While I have your attention, I have to discuss something near and dear to my heart. Insert witty comment here.

Props to you friend…..

1-Koji Uehara

I don’t know how often you pitch in Japan; but is there any chance this guy could pitch every 3rd day? No one knows how to pronounce his name; but he was the only guy on the Orioles’ staff all Spring who appeared capable of actually pitching. Luckily for the Orioles, Major League Baseball made that rule change that says American League teams don’t have to pitch anymore if they don’t want to. (Editor’s note: Clearly no such rule exists.) If you’re asking me whether I’d rather have the Orioles’ staff or a batting practice machine……..don’t bother asking. I’ve had to face a batting practice machine or two in my day; and I’ve struck out more than Rob Deer. And you didn’t think I had a Rob Deer reference in me.

2-Kalin Lucas and Raymar Morgan

I WILL root for Michigan State because A-Jim Calhoun is an ass; and doesn’t deserve the chance to win another title, and B-There is ZERO chance you’ll ever see me root for Tyler Hansbrough. That guy sucks. That being said; I have no idea what the hell is going on in Detroit, nor do I care. Having economic troubles, are you? Interesting, cause the rest of us are doing just fine. In fact, I’m doing so well that THIS was my breakfast Saturday….

ramen

Look, I don’t want you to feel bad for me. But I would like it if you would donate some other flavors of Ramen noodles. I mean, I’ve heard some good things about this one…..

lime

3-Andy Murray and Victoria Azarenka

Murray and Azarenka each won this weekend at the Sony Ericsson Open; which is weird because I thought this was an important tournament. It was nice that the men’s final was on CBS Sunday, because on Friday I realized that I suddenly no longer have the Tennis Channel. That’s right, despite the fact that I watch the Tennis Channel almost as much as any on my TV, it was suddenly taken away from me. Let me give you a list of some of the anti-masculine channels I have INSTEAD of the Tennis Channel…..

-ABC Family
-TV Guide Network
-QVC
-Home Shopping Network
-Lifetime
-Animal Planet
-TV Land
-Home & Garden TV
-Style
-Hallmark Channel
-The Golf Channel

But yet, no Tennis Channel. Thanks for everything, local cable provider.

4-Mark Teixeira

Look, if the guy grew up in Baltimore and rooted for the Yankees; he’s an ass. But something tells me he only said it because he was trying to be a rah-rah guy in his first press conference as a Yankee. The Orioles didn’t want him, the Yankees really did. Am I supposed to root against the guy for that? Yeah, I am. In fact, does anyone know where these guys will be sipping their orange Kool-Aid on Monday? I’d like to join them.

5-Ty Lawson and Wayne Ellington

Oh, North Carolina won, huh? That’s nice. At least it’s not Duke. About time something good happened to those long-suffering North Carolina basketball fans. I mean, it’s been tough to be a North Carolina fan in recent years, hasn’t it? I’m really looking for something clever to say here; but all I can think is “bite me”. Is that clever? No? How about “go suck an egg.” It’s really hard to find the right words without saying something that will offend someone. You want me to say something about Lawson and Ellington? They were good. You want me to say something about Roy Williams? He looks like Huckleberry Hound.

roy

6-Derek Lowe

lowe

How awkward is it that the entire time Derek Lowe was shutting down the Phillies in the first baseball game of the year that actually counted; all Drew could think about is what he must look like in the locker room after the game with no pants? Lowe was impressive and all; but he won’t be replacing Jack McClinton on my man-crush scale any time soon…

7-Miguel Torres and Randall Bailey

While most of us were watching Wrestlemania Sunday night; Torres was winning the main event at WEC 40. But on Friday night, if you weren’t wandering down Beale St. in Memphis, you may well have missed out on one of the greatest knockouts I’ve seen in years. Randall Bailey destroyed Francisco Figueroa with a right hand; one I think Figueroa is still feeling today. Check it out. In fact, see what Figueroa looked like afterwards…..

bailey

In fact, I haven’t seen a knockout like that since…………well, do the names Craig and Debo mean anything to you?

8-I Want Revenge and Musket Man

There is nothing better than hearing the names of the horses that might be competing for this year’s Triple Crown. I feel as though we could play a game……”Coldplay song or horse competing for Triple Crown”. Here are some choices:

A-Cemeteries Of London
B-Warning Sign
C-Strawberry Swing
D-Green Eyes
E-Imperial Council
F-West Side Bernie
G-His Greatness
H-Lord Justice

For what it’s worth; the first 4 were all Coldplay songs. If you got it wrong; you’re a better man than I.

9-Tommy Phelan, Ryan Smith, Will Harrington, Mike Sawyer, Chris Boland, and Richie Ford

So the local teams were mostly all winners; and Stevenson handed Salisbury their 2nd loss in their last 3 games. Impressive stuff all around. Dave Pietramala won his 100th game at Hopkins; which is also good stuff. Let me cut to the chase. This is the first weekend all year where my lacrosse viewing wasn’t going to be interrupted by hoops; and all of the games involving local teams stunk. Of course the games at Giants Stadium were good; because I wasn’t there to see them. Instead, I spent the day self-loathing. That was more fun anyway.

10- David Abernathy

carscom

I want to thank Cars.com for purchasing the 60 second ad space again during the Final Four. I know they did it for the Super Bowl; but I had only seen the 30 second spots in recent weeks. That being said; the 60 second spot is tremendous. Let’s run down what this remarkable young man has accomplished…….

-At birth, he congratulated the Doctor on a perfect delivery
-At 3 years old, he successfully negotiated a later bed time, using very convincing pie charts
-Approached a much older Carrie Pecore and simply said “Call Me.” She did.
-In 4th grade, he ran back into a burning school-TWICE-to save Gompers and Aristotle; the class rabbit and goldfish
-After high school, he applied to Princeton…..for the position of Dean
-At 24, he performed open heart surgery in a crowded opera house……with a ball point pen

If this guy were to face Dos Equis’ “The Most Interesting Man in the World” in a steel cage; I’m pretty sure the world would combust.

11-James Padgett

Padgett was strong at the Charm City Challenge; which meant that people were more interested in him than his teammate Lance Stephenson for all of about 5 minutes Sunday. Those 5 minutes are now up of course; so if anyone has any information on Stephenson, I would appreciate you Facebook/Email/Text/Pony Expressing me immediately.

12-Jeff Gordon

Here’s some NASCAR knowledge for you? Did you know that until Sunday, Jeff Gordon had a 47 race winless streak working? Also, did you know he had never won at Texas? I can read headlines well. Also, apparently Carl Edwards made a mistake on pit road to help Gordon win. I’m sure Edwards consoled himself well by remembering that his stomach looks like this…..

nascar

13-Jason Kidd

20 assists for Kidd; who passed Magic Johnson for 3rd all-time; and all but assured themselves of the last playoff spot in the West with a win over the Suns. The Suns are 42-35 and are about to be eliminated. The Bulls are 37-40 and are about to lock up the 7th spot in the East. But yeah, the NBA makes sense and all.

14-Spring Football

Colt McCoy wasn’t particularly impressive; but there was football being played on Sunday. That’s reason to celebrate enough. Here’s the question; if you were a sports fan in Texas Sunday; do you attend Wrestlemania, the Shell Houston Open, NASCAR, or the Texas Spring Game. I’d love to say all of the above. With all of that said; I wonder how Ray Bachman’s team is doing in Spring football……

weis

15-Lancaster Brewing Company Strawberry Wheat and The Reagan Years

strawberry dm

Ask me what’s better than spending your Saturday afternoon with 10-12 Strawberry Wheats and a cover band who plays 867-5309 and Angel is the Centerfold back to back. The answer is nothing. They may not be “Ridgemont High” (I kid because I love); but The Reagan Years were damn entertaining after a day of beer swilling and barbeque consumption.

You lucky dog….

1-Angel McCoughtry

If you want to knock off one of the country’s best teams; falling behind by 12 at halftime without having scored a point isn’t exactly the way to get started. But Baltimore’s own scored 18 points in the 2nd half and Louisville rallied to beat Oklahoma; which is good because now they’ll get to be the answer to the trivia question “Who did UConn crush in the national championship to finish off another perfect season?” Also, if I’m the governor of Oklahoma; do I wait 24 or 48 hours before telling Courtney Paris we’re expecting her tuition money back? With no offense to a girl who has some guts; I just wonder if her entire shoe fit in her mouth after former Maryland assistant Jeff Walz’s team was done with them.

2-Paul Casey

Homeboy BOGEYED the last hole AND the playoff hole and STILL won. Are you serious??? I can hit bogeys; and I can’t stand golf! That being said; I could have sworn I saw Fred Couples’ name at the top of the leaderboard on Sunday. You see, if your “sport” can involve a 49 year old being in the mix for a Championship; you’re not a sport. 49-year-olds can’t compete in sports. It’s similar to how I felt watching Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat fight Chris Jericho Sunday night. No offense Dragon; but if it was a real sport you wouldn’t have a chance. Much like golf.

3-Alex Ovechkin

Not only did the Capitals manage to clinch their division DESPITE losing Friday night; they also got a win Sunday despite giving up one of the worst short-handed goals I’ve ever seen. But on top of all of that; Ovechkin got the chance to meet LeBron James in what may well be the most awkward video I’ve ever seen. You stay classy LeBron. One of the world’s most famous athletes is excited about the chance to meet you; and you’re more interested in chewing gum. At least he was willing to giggle for the camera…..

lebron

4-Craig Robinson

Oregon State beat UTEP for the College Basketball Invitational title Friday night, bully for them. While looking at the box score, I noticed Oregon State’s record was 18-18. That doesn’t seem overwhelming; but if a college football team can reach a bowl game with a .500 record; why can’t a college basketball team find the postseason with a .500 record. But if that same college basketball team went 5-1 in the postseason; that means…..they were 13-17 at the end of the regular season? How the hell does a 13-17 team get invited to the postseason? I know it pays to have the President as your brother in law; but this is ridiculous.

5-Mickey Rourke

This is what I love about pro wrestlers. Even when they know something they’re doing is bogus; they go along with it and sell the HELL out of it anyway. Can you imagine what was going through Chris Jericho’s mind when he was told that AFTER kicking the ass of 3 men who’s average age is somewhere in the triple digits; he would then have to go down after one lame punch by an actor who wore a belly shirt despite, well, having a belly?

rourke

Rourke’s the one on the left by the way; as Ric Flair could probably still kick someone’s ass despite being about 87 years old himself. And kudos to Rourke for looking in top shape for the segment…….he actually looked like he only had 7-8 drinks beforehand instead of the 18-20 he normally looks like he’s had. But I respect Jericho; who took Rourke’s punch and laid out like a real champ. God bless Wrestlemania. May you never leave us, no matter how hokey you are.

6-Dan Leone

Brian Dawkins might be playing for the Broncos; but the dude still rules. After Leone was fired from his job as a part-time Eagles employee due to something he posted on Facebook regarding Dawkins’ departure, Dawkins was willing to do the right thing. He stepped up to the plate and offered his allotment of tickets to the Broncos’ game at Lincoln Financial Field to Leone. In hopes to score some Ravens tickets for next season; I posted “Damm Ravens are retarded! Why’d they have to go and get rid of Boller????” on my Twitter account. I got one response in particular from @GoldenBearBoller; who said “Are you kidding, that guy Boller stinks!” No one offered to fire me or give me tickets in the end.

7-Anyone who has ever been on a flight with David Holmes as a flight attendant

holmes

If this is hokey; I don’t care. If I have to sit for hours on a Southwest flight with no food, no in-flight movie, and no room to sleep, the least I can get is a rapping flight attendant. Of course, I’d settle for having big Tommy Callahan on my flight instead….

You’re a ZERO…..

Carl Verstandig

Want Pimlico but don’t want Preakness? Thanks, but no thanks. I think there’s some prime land in East Baltimore; how bout you buy that and work on it. Or if you think Pimlico is so ideal for a shopping center; where’s your plan for a new track?

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’d rather see Angelos make the purchase.

I just started shivering after typing that.

-G

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