April 13, 2009 | Glenn Clark

You know how it works. If you don’t, ask someone. But don’t ask Rick from Reisterstown. I don’t imagine he’d be helpful in such a situation.

You deserve props….

1-Melvin Mora

O’s take 2 of 3 from the Rays, Mora hits a grand slam Saturday night. It was a pretty good weekend……that is until the Orioles were reminded that their petition failed and they had to play on Sundays still. With that in mind; from the home offices that are not particularly close to Wahoo, Nebraska…

Here are the Top 10 reasons the Orioles just can’t win on Sundays.

10. Decision to switch clubhouse music to “Stryper’s Greatest Hits” for players missing church producing questionable results at best
9. Aubrey Huff keeps everyone up too late on Saturdays for “movie night”
8. Too busy attempting to Keep Up With Kardashians.
7. The Brian Roberts Dilemma: “Do I try to win, or do I rush home to THIS….”


6. How can we think about Baseball at a time when Lindsay Lohan is in so much personal trouble?
5. Baseball more difficult to concentrate on when still confused about how to pronounce “Uehara”
4. Good idea: Playing reserve catcher and reserve shortstop on day game after night game. Bad idea: Employing baseball players named “Chad Moeller” and “Robert Andino”
3. Ummm…….something about the economy?
2. Not totally certain, but we’re pretty sure it’s that damn Forrester fella’s fault.
1. If the Redskins don’t, why should we?

2-Chris Paul

One assist short of a triple-double; CP3 helped the Hornets beat the Mavericks Sunday. Wake Forest fans worldwide immdiately looked to the NBA standings to make sure there was no way Paul, Josh Howard, or Tim Duncan could be matched up with Cleveland State in the first round of the playoffs. Dwayne Wade and LeBron James did some pretty good things too on Sunday; but frankly I’m just plain sick of talking about them.

3-Sagu and Ed Hale

Besides having one of the coolest names in all of sports; Sagu also happens to be a REALLY good soccer player. I’ve noticed recently that being a good soccer player is a good trait to have when professional soccer is your vocation. But then again, i’m pretty intuitive. Sagu was the MVP of the NISL title game Saturday night; and didn’t even mind when some loser from Perry Hall came running up to him on the field after the game to give him a congratulatory hug. That’s what’s great about championship celebrations. Guys with the athleticism of a chubby 10 year old girl can rush the field and celebrate with the star players. It’s an American dream.

Ed Hale rescued the Blast from almost certain death and lead them to their 5th championship this decade. Hey Ed, any interest in the Preakness???

4-Kenny Tate

Maryland held their first scrimmage of the Spring Saturday, and Kenny Tate came up with two interceptions. It was no more than a glorified practice, and yet there was some drunken idiot with his Ralph Friedgen underwear chanting “Let’s Go Terps” outside the gates. (Okay I’m lying, I went to the Inside Lacrosse event at M&T Bank Stadium. But if I hadn’t been there, you know where I would have been.)

Kenny Tate was supposed to be one of the best wide receivers Ralph had recruited, but was moved to safety going into his freshman season; and was really good at that. There’s been some scuttlebutt about him moving to cornerback; which he’d probably be really good at too; because he’s apparently good at everything he does. You know, I’ve changed my mind about Kenny Tate. You suck Kenny Tate; you shouldn’t be so damn good at everything you do. A-hole.

5-Erik Bedard

Can I just take a moment to remind everyone of how great it was to get rid of Erik Bedard? Sherrill and Adam Jones are rock stars, and there are more pitchers to come from the deal. Plus, Bedard is so much of a pain in the ass that he can’t even get to the mound because of the pain in his own ass!

Wait, did I hear someone say Bedard threw 8 1/3 innings of shutout ball Suday to lift the Mariners to a 1-0 win over the Athletics? Did someone say Bedard was going to become a free agent at the end of the season???

6-Paul Williams & Nick Diaz

Can someone please let Frank Shamrock know that he was scheduled to fight on Saturday night? Diaz did this….


And then this…..


and then THIS….


and Shamrock did a lot of THIS…..


Hopefully Frank and Winky Wright can find some nice houses in Florida next to each other.

7-Troy Patton and Nolan Reimold

Troy Patton pitched his first game in a year and a half Saturday; and I can already tell he’s better than Adam Eaton. I don’t care that he pitches for a team called the Baysox. Reimold hit his 2nd home run for Norfolk Saturday night in a loss; and added another RBI Sunday.

I was watching “Baseball Tonight” Sunday morning, and thought about life in the minor leagues when Dave Winfield told a story about how one time when he was playing at Shea Stadium the microwave didn’t work, and they had to warm up the post-game meal in the dryer. I thought about how crappy that was for a second; then proceeded to thaw some hot dogs in the sink and then warm them up with my roommate’s lighter.

8-Lleyton Hewitt & Jelena Jankovic

Remember how a week ago I was singing the praises of the Clay Court Championships because Americans would win? Open mouth, insert foot. Apparently someone decided to invite some players who actually used to be good this year; and Lleyton Hewitt won Sunday. Jankovic won the womens’ title, whatever that was.

While I’m on the subject of tennis; I happened to notice that Jan Michael Gambill appeared on the show “Tough Love” on Vh1; which I watch religously because…….well, I don’t care if you judge me. Anyway, Jan Michael showed up on the show to be swooned by……


….Natasha Malinsky; who I knew nothing of before Sunday night, but now feel as though I have a close personal relationship with. But really, Jan Michael Gambill? If he can do that; Gustavo Kuerten must be with some sort of Adriana Lima look-alike.

9-Caron Butler and Steve Buckhantz

I don’t normally include last second jumpers on the “props” section, but the Wizards have won about as many games this season as the Detroit Lions; so I’ll throw them a bone. Plus, Buckhantz is famous for like….ONE thing…..and he hasn’t had much of a chance to use it this season. You just know that Blake Griffin saw this highlight somewhere and thought to himself “Oh thank God; I don’t want to have to end up there.”

10-Peet Poillon, Tommy Phelan, and Paul Cantabene

I wonder if Don Zimmerman posted my Friday blog in the locker room; as I picked the Great Danes to beat the Retrievers in their America East showdown Saturday? Come to think of it; I wonder if Don Zimmerman has any idea of who I am?

Also, it was nice to see that the Navy guys played well in a downpour Saturday at M&T Bank Stadium. I think there might be a chance they’ll be forced to work in the water again in the future. But that’s just a hunch.

And did Stevenson REALLY win their last regular season game 26-1 on Friday? Do you think the 2007 Texas Rangers all lit cigars when they found out the Mustangs didn’t hit 30?

11-Billy Ray Cyrus


You can call me many things; but please don’t let “Hustle Knocker” be amongst them. The whole “Hannah Montana” thing creeps me out more than Keith Cavanaugh discussing the “ups” a 12 year old kid is showing en route to a college scholarship; but the train doesn’t appear to be stopping anytime soon. The movie made $34 million this weekend; which is impressive. Interestingly enough, I recently filled out one of those “how much are you worth” things on MySpace, and I was told I was worth $34. But I get it. The man whose mullet STILL inspires men and women across the country for some reason (I’m talking to you-lady who was sitting behind the goal at the Blast game Saturday night…..GOD I wish I had a picture); is laughing all the way to the bank. At what point do you think ol’ Hannah Montana is gonna have the awkward conversation where she tells pops “Thanks for everything and all; but I think I’m gonna just do this on my own from now on……good luck with your care…..hahahahah.”

12-Domonique Foxworth

Our pal Domonique Foxworth recently opened Facebook and Twitter accounts; and without bothering to tell anyone, he already has like 7,000 friends/followers. The great thing about Dom is that unlike most very successful professional athletes; he doesn’t bother to flaunt pictures of himself with his gorgeous girlfriend that guys like you and I can only dream of in exotic locations you and I could never imagine…..


……okay, strike that. Just when I was saying those nice things about you, too. Damn! Anyway, the tables were turned on one Dom Foxworth, as someone who spent their Easter with him decided to post classy candids like these……


Welcome to social networking, pal. Check out Dom on Facebook and Twitter; and if you have any more incriminating pictures of him; I have cash.

13-Alexander Ovechkin

I know you’re thinking “How can you put The Great 8 on this list when the Caps lost Saturday night?” Well, the game didn’t matter to the Caps because they had already clinched the 2 seed; and Ovie scored another goal. That gave him 56 for the regular season, and a 10 goal margin for the goal scoring crown in the NHL. The Caps and Rangers open their playoff series Wednesday night; and I look forward to wearing my “Teixeira Sucks” t-shirt to the game.

14-Bill Kurtis


As if it wasn’t enough that he had previously defeated Michael Phelps and Andy Roddick; Bill Kurtis apparently felt as though he still had something to prove. So he decided to step in a ring with the undefeated Floyd Mayweather Jr.; and took the belt from the man known as “Money” as well.

And while we’re here; I’d also like to approve the “Think With Your Dipstick Jimmy” commercial I saw a hundred times this weekend. But I should really be better than that.

15-Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs


It’s almost unfair. I mean, we all like Cadbury Creme Eggs, and we all like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. One of the companies had to combine the two; and god bless Reese’s for being the one to do it. After living in Arizona for two years, I was looking forward to my first Easter back in Baltimore and my parents filling a basket with these things and letting me go crazy. Instead, Mom and Dad came over with Turkey Sausage and fruit because they were concerned about my health after watching me run during the Baltimore Blast celebrity game. I guess it’s for the best.

You got lucky….

1-Angel Cabrera

Nothing screams “we’re a real sport” like having a tubby chain smoker nicknamed “The Duck” win your historic, marquee event AFTER putting a ball in the woods AND hitting a tree on the way out. I paid attention to the Masters Sunday for a handful of seconds….until Tiger Woods bogeyed 17 and there was something better to do.

As an aside, I wish someone would have told me Ray Bachman had driven to Augusta to sell his personal belongings….


2-Miroslava “Mirka” Vavrinec

Look, Roger Federer is NOT Brad Pitt. But as one of the two most successful tennis players of all time; I don’t think it’s a stretch to say he “settled” when he married Vavrinec Saturday in Switzerland. Let’s consider this……Pete Sampras married THIS……

bridgette wilson love stinks Pictures, Images and Photos

While Roger Federer married THIS…….


3-Boston University Terriers

Nothing like spotting your opponent a 3-1 advantage through 59 minutes and then using a deflected puck to score the winning goal in overtime. I’d talk about the Terriers more; but I’d rather just honor the National Champions in my heart;


2010 will be the Year of the Beaver. Trust me on that.

4-Belmont Stakes

Must be nice to have ESPN as a TV partner. The only Triple Crown race that might possibly not matter at all will still have hours upon hours of live coverage for the week, while ESPN slashed event coverage at the Kentucky Derby and almost ALL coverage of Preakness. To replace coverage from Pimlico; ESPN has decided to instead air the following programming….

-Mel Kiper’s hair hour
-World Series of Rummy
-International Cauliflower Eating Championships
-“Who’s Number 1?”: A breakdown of whether the Yankees or Cowboys are the best team in all of sports
-Colin Cowherd Says Something to Get Someone Else to Care About Him

I think they made a good decision ultimately.

5-Michael Gvozden and Jake Hagelin

Gvozden made a last second save to lift Hopkins over Maryland, Hagelin made a last second save to lift Loyola over Georgetown. Hopkins has improved to 7-1 against Maryland since Dave Cottle became Coach of the Terrapins. Jays students celebrated my running DIRECTLY to their chem lab and solving some sort of math equation. Maryland students ran in frustration directly to Bentley’s to enjoy a Miller Lite until the DJ hit “Don’t Stop Believing” and they left with the next girl they saw. It’s a weird rivalry.

6-Captain Richard Phillips

No matter how many Johnny Depp movies I watch; I would NEVER be ready to face a pirate attack; and would likely give up quickly. Phillips held tight, and was eventually able to escape and be rescued; proving that you NEVER mess with the U.S. of A. God bless Captain Phillips; and please make your own “Walk The Plank” joke here for the criminals who are no longer with us.

7-Taya Parker


I’m not gonna lie; I was really rooting for Mindy to win “Rock of Love Bus”, but it doesn’t matter. The real winner from this show is every single one of us who has taken the chance to catch an episode or two of this GOLDMINE. And of course the STD testing facilities in every town Bret Michaels visited during the “Rock of Love Bus” tour.  Taya adds her ROLB winner title to an already impressive resume, which includes:

-2007/2008 Exotic Dancer Entertainer of the Year
-Penthouse Swimwear Exclusive Spokesmodel
-2009 Penthouse Pet of the Year
-Playboy’s “Busty Babes”, “Playboy Vixens”
-My heart

There’s no doubt Bret Michaels doesn’t even remember this chick’s name and has already slept with 7-800 women since filming ended, but I still think things will work out between the two of them. And if things can’t, then I’m not sure I believe in love anymore.

You’re a zero….

Iowa High School Athletic Association

Just read the story. I don’t think it’s even fair for me to add on.