15-7-0

May 04, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Props to you………

1-Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather Jr.

I’m not saying I saw this coming; but I don’t think it’s a good thing that when you search “Ricky Hatton beer” among Google images, you get about 10,000 choices. Here are some of my favorites….

hatton hat htt

Hatton was pummeled by Manny Pacquiao; and the “Fight of the Year” suddenly became Saturday’s 2nd biggest boxing story. Mayweather was busy announcing a comeback to the sport, which we might as well call the “least surprising news story in sports history.” Mayweather will likely face Pacquiao sometime before Christmas, which will mean that boxing will be relevant for like 3 whole days this year. I heard that Vegas was “buzzing” with anticipation leading up to Hatton-Pacquiao; which I thought was really strange. Normally Vegas is only “buzzing” with the anticipation of saying “What’s that rash?” in the morning.

2-Nolan Reimold and Brian Matusz

The Orioles won ZERO games this weekend. Their minor league teams combined to win like, 1. This is Birdland!!!!!

Reimold hit a 3 run homer Friday night; Matusz threw 5 & 1/3 innings of shutout ball Friday as well. I was going to say something clever here, but I thought about the Orioles again and just got depressed.

Birdland! Yay!

3-Calvin Borel

I have NEVER understood why anyone would attempt to bet on horses. They’re ANIMALS. They might do ANYTHING. That’s like the whole concept of the difference between animals and human beings, you know. Anyway, the 50-1 longshot won the race, which means Rick from Reisterstown owes me money. Or something. But who cares about the horses, there were hot chicks in sundresses in Louisville Saturday! Like Danica Patrick, who apparently wasn’t informed that black isn’t really a “Spring” color…….

derby

Of course, at least she didn’t wear what this girl wore……

der

4-Rafael Nadal

Rafa has now won 30 straight matches on clay after winning the Rome Masters Sunday. I was trying to figure out a way to turn this into a Clay Aiken joke, but it just wouldn’t come out. (That was worse than Forrester shtick, I know.)

Do you realize how hard it is to come up with a joke about this event? I mean, Nadal wears weird pants, but how many times can I go there? I already made 3-4 jokes about how my little cousin likes to play in the clay; so that horse is dead. I could make a joke about Rome, but I frankly didn’t pay enough attention in school to know the difference between the Romans and the Spartans. I mean, my family is Italian; so I could always make fun of Italians, but I’m definitely going to need to go back to that bag in the future. You know what, screw this. I can’t always be funny. And if Adam Sandler doesn’t have to be, then why should I?

5-Terrence Ross

The Maryland fans who showed up at St. Frances Saturday to get a look at future Terp Ross during the I-95 Challenge were apparently pleased with what they saw. Ross scored 15, showed some range, and even said he’s like to improve his defense moving forward. That’s all good stuff. In fact, not to put any more pressure on him, but I’d like for someone to photoshop a picture of him in one of those Obama pictures that say “Change” or “Hope” or something like that. Please to be getting on that, 15-7-0′ers. And from now on, we’re going to be referring to him as Terrence “The Messiah” Ross. But not the real Messiah, because I don’t want to mess with that dude. This is just the basketball Messiah. Which is way more important anyway.

6-Shairon Martis

I see how this works. Orioles fans get to imagine what their young, stud pitchers might be like at the major league level; while Nationals fans actually get to SEE what their young, stud pitchers look like at the major league level. Martis was pretty impressive Saturday, and his early season stats now project for a season of: 20-0, 4.60 ERA, 7 Complete Games. That would be pretty good, right? Plus, everyone who went to Martis’ gem walked away with their own gem…..

nats

……and I would be willing to bet you can get one on eBay for $2 or less.

7-Carmelo Anthony

If you think I’m rooting for the Lakers in the Western Conference, you’re out of your mind. I don’t have a favorite team, but I certainly know who I’m rooting for. Joe Smith plays for the Cavs, so I’ll root for them in the East. And since Carmelo Anthony plays for the Nuggets, that’s a bit of a no-brainer in the West. I’m all for the Nuggets winning Game 1, and I’d be all for them winning 11 more just as easily. Unless they play Joe Smith’s team. In which case I’ll be forced to pick between my love of my hometown and my love of the Terps. The world might well combust.

8-Alex Hopmann and Don Zimmerman

At least one local team managed to clinch their conference championship this weekend, as the Retrievers claimed the America East title Saturday night. Their reward? A trip to Chapel Hill next weekend to open their NCAA Tournament at the Tar Heels. As if I needed another reason to root against Carolina. Actually, I take that back. I can ALWAYS use another reason to root against Carolina. SCREW YOU CAROLINA!!!!!!!!!! LET’S GO DAWGS!!!!!!!!

9-Carl Crawford

Crawford stole 6 bases Sunday as the Rays beat the Red Sox. Think that’s impressive? My roommate and I traveled the state of Maryland Thursday collecting free Chick-Fil-A sandwiches…….and we got 34!!!!!

chick

Take THAT Carl Crawford.

By the way, what did everyone think of Ray Bachman’s first go as a TBS studio analyst?……..

wells

10-Willie Gault

Why is Willie Gault still running the 40? Who cares. And where did this picture of Willie Gault come from? Again, who cares.

gault

Why can’t you people just enjoy the simpler things in life?

11-Kyle Busch

Barry Aparicio was at the NASCAR race Saturday night, and informed me that there were plenty of Skoal tins around if I needed any. Kyle Busch won in Richmond, and then paraded around the track screaming “Shake and Bake” or something along those lines. Barry also the time to imagine what NASCAR would be like if they went “green.” You know, solar powered cars, veggie fuel, the whole nine yards. Works for me.

By the way, do NASCAR fans root for Kyle Busch just because his name is “Busch”?

12-University of Oregon Ultimate Frisbee

I’ve always kinda been fascinated by the University of Oregon. First of all, their name is the Ducks, and their mascot looks like Donald Duck. Secondly, they have the most awesomely awful uniforms in all of sports. Third, Autzen Stadium is apparently an INSANE place to see a football game.

But this story officially is the winner. You mean to tell me you’re not allowed to play ultimate frisbee naked at the club level???

Then why the hell are we even bothering to play????

13-Missy Doherty

The Towson women clinched the CAA title Saturday and a trip to the NCAA Tournament, and I’m really excited. And while I love the Tigers, I unfortunately cannot say that they’re my favorite Towson women’s team. That title goes to…….

hooters

14-Carolina Liar and Kings of Leon

Apparently the whole world held a vote to name Kings of Leon “Best Band”, and nobody told me. But that’s okay, because it turns out I actually agree. When I first heard the hook “Hey, your sex is on fire”, my initial reaction was to say “Maybe you should go put that out”, not to stand up and declare it the anthem of the year. But everyone else did, and I don’t hold it against anyone. Most of Carolina Liar comes from Sweden (apparently Carolina Liar plays better with the kids than “Stockholm Liar”), making them the best Swedish import since this guy…..

chef

Anyway, these two songs might both end up on WLIF before they end up on 98 Rock, but they’re both DAMN good songs……

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLtcxrdVFkg[/youtube] [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCZfJ5ai07U[/youtube]

15-The Turkey Sausage Platter at College Park Diner

diner

I couldn’t help but notice that the special on the board at the Diner is the same as it was say 5 years ago when I was trolling around College Park. In fact, I believe the $3.95 special is now just known as the “regular.” But for everyone who has ever had a long night in College Park (be it after a brutal football loss to Virginia Tech, a particularly crazy evening at Bentley’s, or after a wild Ludacris show), you know just how good some eggs and cheese, hash browns and toast at the CPD can be. Mix it up with the turkey sausage, and it’s the perfect remedy to an evening you may or may not remember.

You’re a lucky dog…..

1-Everyone who survived the Cowboys’ facility collapse

I will freely admit that I don’t much care for the Dallas Cowboys. In fact, I was so happy to see the Ravens destroy them in their final game at Texas Stadium that I just about got evicted from my apartment complex that night. (Props to my neighbor JR for not kicking my ass over those shennanigans by the way.) That being said, what happened Saturday at Boys’ mini-camp looked like a scene from “Twister” or something. Holy crap……..

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbABlUswsfM[/youtube]

…..it is really difficult to make a joke about a circumstance that lead to serious injuries and particularly frightening moments; so I’ll take the high road. Where I’m sure I’ll bump into Michael Irvin anway……

(In all seriousness, thoughts and prayers to Cowboys scout Rich Behm, who was paralyzed in the accident. And thank God no one was killed.)

2-Simeon Varlamov and Mike Emrick

Varlamov made the “save of the playoffs” to keep the Caps and Pens tied at 2 Saturday. Fortunately for the rest of us, Mike Emrick was calling the game; meaning we were appropriately treated with a certain level of “freak out”……

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01Ow7Kxaqb4[/youtube]

Look, I’m not a Caps fan; but if Mike Emrick keeps calling their games I might convert. I couldn’t help but wish Doc was calling everything else I watched this weekend…..

“Oh my God, Rios has just touuuuuuched ahhhhp Gaaahthreeeeeee!!!!!”
“And Villllanohhhvuhhhh has duuuuune it!!!!!!”
“PACQUEEEEEEOW DOWNS HATTOOOOONN! WOOOWWWW!”
“THIS ISSSSS VEEEHHHHONE’SSSS TUFFFFFFFF LUUUUUVVVVEEEE!!!!!”

(I was just kidding about that last one. Except not really.)

3-Dave Pietramala and Brian Christopher

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually felt bad for Chris Bonetti. I tried warning him that Pietramala doesn’t lose to teams in the state of Maryland. I tried warning him that Pietramala didn’t lose this late in the season. But he soldiered on, determined to watch Loyola all but clinch a spot in the NCAA Tournament Saturday. With the Hounds down 10-8 and less than a minute to play, I almost texted him to remind him of what I said. But Loyola wouldn’t give up, and put together a historic final 40 seconds, scoring twice to force the game into overtime. Of course, the good news ended there, as the Jays finished off the Hounds in 2OT, Loyola was left out of the Tournament, and Chris Bonetti was last season looking for someone to hug.

4-John Beck

I like John Beck a lot. In fact, I enjoyed the chat he and I had Sunday. He’s a really good guy from a great area east of Phoenix; and I’m happy to have the chance to cover him with the Ravens. That being said, he didn’t come to a team to compete for a backup job if he had other legitimate options on the table. This reeks of Cam Cameron pulling a “MacPhail”, and not being willing to give up on someone he brought into the league. And that whole Felix Pie experiment is just going swimmingly for MacPhail. Does anyone get the feeling that the Ravens are just trying to stockpile YouTube sensations? I mean, there was undrafted Buffalo QB Drew Willy…….

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cnrc_r69B2A[/youtube]

and now Beck……

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dflMnmCCZk[/youtube]

….I only pray they’re not announcing the signing of one “S. Boyle” later this week.

5-Ray Allen and Joe Johnson

If you let your series get to Game 7; you’re testing luck. The Celtics-Bulls series that everyone declared was the “greatest series of all time” ended Saturday night when Allen’s C’s got a lackluster victory over the Bulls. Then Johnson’s Hawks ended what no one thought was the “greatest series of all time” with an equally lackluster win over the Heat. The NBA Playoffs: where “If you have nothing better to do on the weekend” happens.

6-Sean O’Hair

I must have been confused, because I saw Tiger Woods was leading this weekend’s “Golf Tournament Classic” on Friday, so I began writing about the victory. But then I turned on the TV today, and there was a different golfer altogether winning the damn thing. You see, Tiger Woods was playing. And he was winning. Do you understand my confusion? Next thing you’re gonna tell me Family Guy wasn’t that funny Sunday night……

7-Wolverine

Got a 38% on RottenTomatoes, made $87 million at the box office. As my girlfriend (“The Luckiest Gal on the Face of the Planet”) and I were leaving Unitas Stadium Saturday night, we thought about going to the movies; only to realize that EVERYTHING in the movie theaters is total crap. But there’s good news! “Angels and Demons”, “Night at the Museum 2″, “Star Trek”, “Dance Flick”, and “Terminator Salvation” are all coming out soon. You see, by “good news”, I really meant “awful, freaking TERRIBLE news.”

You’re a complete zero…..

iPhones

Look, I was okay with not having an iPhone right up until the moment I walked into the Apple Store and discovered you could do this on an iPhone…..

uno

I’m now going to need an iPhone. Which means I will need Verizon to make a deal so that I can get an iPhone. I don’t care what it takes, it is going to need to happen. Oh, and I’ll also need someone to let me borrow* (*have) $300 so I can purchase an iPhone. (*make that $308, as I will need to purchase the Uno app as well).

-G

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