May 10, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Let me start by offering a “Big Ups” to my mom…..who is absolutely awesome. And would be even more awesome if I could borrow like $250 for an iPod Touch. Mom??????

I also want to point out that the Family Guy “Stand By Me” spoof left me in stitches. Which is really odd because I didn’t go to the hospital, and I’m reasonably certain my roommate “Matty Boh” isn’t a surgeon. I hope I didn’t get an infection from these stitches.

You get props……

1-Kelley Washington

If you’re not rooting for this guy to make the team, PLEASE change your mind. Jamison wrote that Washington did a “shimmy” after catching a TD in mini-camp this weekend; which seems a bit odd given that this was nothing more than a practice. But if you know Kelley Washington at all, it might not have just been a shimmy…..



And of course this classic, where Washington was out-dueled by Matt Cassel…..

I know you actually have to CATCH touchdowns to do touchdown dances, but Darnell Dinkins always found a way to sneak a few moves in; so couldn’t “The Squirrel” do it too?

2-C.C. Sabathia & Aubrey Huff

You know, I can be as mad as I want about how the Yankees came to town and took 2 of 3 from the Orioles in front of THOUSANDS of Yankees fans, but what’s the point? The Orioles are awful, so “Birdland” is more about what magic moments might happen when other teams come to town I guess. The Orioles were booed for issuing intentional walks this weekend. At home. What a disaster.

Apparently Alex Rodreguez did something this weekend, too. I’m not sure just what it was, but it was apparently enough to stop this lady from being able to breathe…..


I have an idea for a fun new drinking game. Let’s drink every time Rick Dempsey says something absolutely ridiculous about how the Orioles are really good. This one got me started on Sunday…. “In my mind Adam Jones is the MVP of the league right now”……….

But with all of that said, I have to admit that I enjoyed THIS on Sunday…….


I know people who have never heard of Baltimore and yet care more about Baltimore than Aubrey Huff does, but this still garnered a chuckle from me. Of course, that chuckle quickly turned into a whimper…..then sobbing….then about 6-8 shots of Jack until I slipped into a slumber/coma where my dreams included Halle Berry, Jessica Biel, and what AJ Burnett WOULD have looked like in Orange and Black. Ugh.

3-Mark Martin and Helio Castroneves

Is there still a Viagra car in NASCAR? Shouldn’t there be a rule that says when Mark Martin comes back to full-time racing he HAS to drive it??? And if Mark Martin ISN’T a full time driver right now but keeps winning all of the races, how bad are the guys who do this thing full-time???

Castroneves won the pole for the Indy 500. This girl worked the pole at a local establishment in Indianapolis. Neither surprises me.


4-Aaron Brooks

A team that was playing WITHOUT Tracy McGrady AND Yao Ming Sunday BLEW OUT a team with Kobe Bryant, Derek Fisher, Lamar Odom, Pau Gasol, and Andrew Bynum. A guy that I am practically the same size as scored 34 points Sunday to win a NBA playoff game……and he did THIS……

Has the whole world gone mad??

5-Rich Hill

I swear to God I do not understand what Andy MacPhail’s fascination with Rich Hill is. He’s a guy who looked like he might be “can’t miss”, but he missed. He might never get healthy, and he certainly won’t ever record a meaningful out. The Orioles traded NOTHING to the Cubs to get him, and yet the Cubs somehow got the better end of the deal. I don’t know how else to explain how worthless of an acquisition Rich Hill was.

He threw 6 scoreless innings for Norfolk Sunday? Do they offer flights from Norfolk to Baltimore?

6-Chad Dawson

If a 26 year old can’t beat a 40 year old in a fight; should they even be allowed to fight in the future? Tarver apparently looked good at times in this fight; which is more than can be said about him in like……..ever?

With that in mind; I think it’s time to play “King of the Dawsons.” It’ll be me first, and my buddy Matt on the other side. Let’s see how this goes…..

I think I’ll start of the first round with the one and only Andre Dawson….


Matt responded in the least heterosexual way I could possibly imagine……


Being a real man, a went to the well to find Hall of Fame QB Len Dawson…..


Matt stepped up his game this time around, chiming back in with Richard Dawson……


I was grasping at this point. It burned me just to hear the name; but I went with Browns kicker Phil Dawson, which I assumed had to be the clincher…..


I couldn’t believe it, but Matt still had one in him; actress Rosario Dawson……


I thought about it for a second; but then I looked at the picture and gave in. Matt is the King of the Dawsons.

7-Rusty Kuntz

This one’s on me. It’s unforgivable that I didn’t know the Royals had a coach named Rusty Kuntz. No amount of “mea culpas” will ever make up for it. Thank you Deadspin for linking a story about Rusty Kuntz milking a cow. I would add jokes here; but how do you improve something that is already perfection?


8-The trailer for “The Hangover” with Mike Tyson singing “In the Air Tonight”

Remember what I just said about Rusty Kuntz? Ditto here.

9-Steven Strasburg, Adam Dunn and Ryan Zimmerman

If I have to write about the Washington Nationals on one more of these things; I might lose my mind. But Zimmerman has a 28 game hitting streak, Dunn hit 4 home runs, and the Nats took 2 of 3 from the Diamondbacks. Meanwhile, their future #1 pick threw a no-hitter in his final home game at San Diego State. Things are really looking up for the Nationals; who will certainly spend an embarrassing season of finishing in last place in front of crowds smaller than those at Camden Yards. Why in the hell did they put a team in DC again?

10-Henrik Stenson

Two weeks in a row Tiger Woods fooled sports fans into thinking the weekend’s golf tournament would be relevant by being in contention on Sunday. Shame on you Eldrick! Also, is it too early to panic with Tiger? If the PGA Tour is forced to sell the likes of Ben Crane and Kevin Na; they might have to start thinking about cheerleaders to drive public interest. In the end, this man was your winner at The Players’ Championship….


11-Justin Verlander, Brett Cecil, Eric Stults, Edwin Jackson, Scott Baker, Matt Harrison, Wandy Rodriguez

How many shutouts were there in baseball this weekend? I got to the point where I was actually starting to think an Orioles pitcher could throw a shutout (Cha-Ching!). Here’s a question for you….what’s worse; getting shut out by a guy named Eric Stults or Brett Cecil; OR being at the bar until close, having about 8-10 drinks in you, and getting shut out by someone who looks like this…..


12-Brian Phipps and Billy Bitter

I went the homer route and picked all four teams from the state of Maryland to win their NCAA Tournament openers, and I ended up going 2 for 4. But in fairness; how was I to know that Carolina’s Bitter would score EIGHT FREAKING GOALS on nine shots? In South Bend, Phipps made 9 saves to lift the Terps past the previously undefeated Irish in a 7-3 game that while I would have liked to have watched; may have also been the absolute least entertaining game of all time. Navy apparently didn’t get the message that they had a game at Duke Saturday night; and Hopkins held on for a win; but more on that later…..

13-Barack Obama and Frank Caliendo

If you don’t like the man; that’s fine with me. I don’t much care either way. But apparently on the same night I was watching Frank Caliendo and Bill Engvall just a few minutes down the road, our President was KILLING the White House Correspondents Dinner…..

The funniest GWB joke Caliendo made Saturday night at the Patriot Center was about how Bush always looked like he had just heard a dirty joke when he came to the podium…..”Good evening America…especially those of you in Nantucket” He also killed during his Madden…..saying “I think not only should the Packers retire #4, not only should it be retired from the entire NFL, but it should be retired from the entire numerical system. Just replace it with “Favre”. One, two, three, Favre, five…..”

He was really funny when he decided to lay down. No really…..

By the way, I thought Caliendo’s best impression was of Ray Bachman……


14-The Heineken “Let a Stranger Drive You Home” commercial

If there’s anything I’ve bonded with friends over more than Biz Markie, I’m not sure what it is…..

15-Justin Timberlake

I doubt NBC will let this video stay up for long, and I can’t link Hulu; so check this out while you can…..

Is it “Dick in a Box”? No. But what could be? Justin Timberlake hosting Saturday Night Live is a good idea at ALL times. What makes Justin Timberlake so damn cool is that he’s a brilliant musician yet doesn’t feel the need to make a record every year. I wouldn’t be stunned if he was willing to spend a year as an SNL player. He’s just that damn cool. Oh, and he looks like this…..


Oh, and he sings like this…….

Christ. You think he’s single?

You got lucky…..

1-Carmelo Anthony and Glen “Big Baby” Davis

Look, if you want to intentionally foul a guy; foul a guy. That being said, if Carmelo Anthony’s signature moment had to come after a questionable call; it’s still Carmelo Anthony’s signature moment. Which is like one more signature moment than that stupid Demon Deacon Josh Howard has.

*Apparently after the shot, Mark Cuban attacked a referee, Josh Howard attacked Kenyon Martin’s mom, Claude Lemieux attacked Steve Yzerman, and the Big Boss Man attacked the Undertaker. (*denotes that most of this did not actually happen, but some did.)

Meanwhile, the “Black Ray Bachman” (that’s two Bachman jokes in one episode. Thank me later.) had ice in his veins Sunday night when the ball ended up in his hands; and he managed to get the Celtics tied up with the Magic when he did this….

2-Brian Christopher

Note to anyone playing Johns Hopkins in the future. If you get to overtime; play like FOUR guys on Brian Christopher. Whatever you do, do NOT let Brian Christopher take a shot. You’re better off letting Robert freaking Horry take the shot in OT.

And since I enjoy staying on topic about as much as I enjoy rooting for pro sports teams from Washington DC; does anyone remember when the WWF chaned Brian Christopher to “Grandmasta Sexay”?


I have now officially included both members of Too Cool in episodes of 15-7-0. Does that get me some sort of award?

3-AJ Hinch

Why is it that teams think that any average terrible Major League catcher will just make a great manager? And if so, please tell me when this man is going to be hired……


4-Albert Montanes

Facing two match points is normally not good. Unless of course you’re playing James Blake. (Editor’s note: I love James Blake; but has he ever won everything? I mean, ever?)

In other tennis news this weekend, Richard Gasquet tested positive for cocaine. As if you needed another reason why tennis kicked more ass than baseball.

5-Joe Saunders

If you want to beat Zack Greinke, you better pitch a shutout. That’s what Saunders did, and Greinke’s one earned run gave him the defeat. After beating Greinke, Saunders apparently thought he had the courage to start running his mouth; saying A-Rod didn’t belong in the All-Star Game. And after saying that, Saunders then said “And another thing! I want Holyfield! You’ve seen what these guns can do in the Middle East, now let’s see what they can do in the ring! Atlantic City! I want Holyfield! It’s gonna be the War on the Shore!”

6-Evgeni Malkin

As I’ve said before….if you let a game go to OT; you’re lucky to win. And if you’re the Washington Capitals, you apparently haven’t gotten lucky since 2001……which is about the same length of time it’s been since my roommate got lucky (I wish I was kidding about that by the way).

More disturbing note: There are four teams left in the Eastern Conference playoffs. The Capitals (who I will NEVER root for because I HATE the Redskins and all things Washington); the Penguins (I mean, would YOU root for a team from Pittsburgh?); the Bruins (how could I ever root for a team that Red Sox fans root for?); and the Hurricanes (I guess I could pull for the Hurricanes, right? Nothing bad there. Or is there…..)



I officially hope there is NO champion in the Eastern Conference.


$76.5 million worth of Star Trek nerds went to the movies this weekend, and were reportedly treated to a movie that was actually…..well……good. The movie scored an unheard of 96% on RottenTomatoes.com; which is better than movies like Titanic (82%), Slumdog Millionaire (92%), American Beauty (89%), Saving Private Ryan (91%), and even Half Baked (26%). Unbelievable. And making Trekkies even luckier, Rachel Nichols is in the movie…..


Err….I meant THIS Rachel Nichols…….


You know, maybe it’s just me; but I kinda wish it was the OTHER Rachel Nichols…..

You’re a zero…..

Mark Allen



I say this humorously; but I guess I should be fair. My girlfriend “The Luckiest Girl in the World” has a roommate named Caitlin who is both a beautiful girl and very cool to be around. But when asked recently why she could have never been with me, she said “I’d crush him.” And she’s not fat. Like, not even a little. The bottom line is, she could probably kick my ass in just about anything. But with that noted…..


Editor’s Note: In an email I received from the Maryland Jockey Club; Mark Allen says he will not run Indy Express at Preakness, which would open up a spot for Rachel Alexandra. However, he also says he dosen’t think fillies should run against colts. (Say it with me: Mark’s afraid of a girl!!!!)

And for what it’s worth, I don’t believe the Colts should be allowed to do much of anything.