June 08, 2009 | Glenn Clark

You get props:

1. Roger Federer and Tiger Woods

There are so many things similar about Roger Federer. They’re both arguably the greatest athletes in the history of their sports. They both have won every major championship their sport has to offer. They’re both in position to break the record for most major championships in their sport. They both have super hot wives. Wait a second……


…….they’re both married anyway.

2. Oakland Athletics Pitchers Dallas Braden, Trevor Cahill and Vin Mazzaro

Jesus Christ. We got our asses handed to us by guys named Dallas Braden, Trevor Cahill, and Vin Mazzaro? Vin Mazzaro has never heard of Vin Mazzaro.

I’d write a joke here, but I’m too busy looking for a bridge. Plus, the joke’s on me because you just KNOW I’ll by a ticket one day this week.

3. Brett Rogers and Jake Shields

Dear God, I hope that guy never finds out where I live.

4. Pavel Datsyuk, Alexandre Giroux and Michael Neuvirth

The Detroit Red Wings are a game away from winning the Stanley Cup. The Hershey Bears are a game away from winning the Calder Cup. I’m sure they’re both equally as excited, right? What do you do with the Stanley Cup if you have it for a day in Detroit? Take photos of them outside Ford Field and send them to Matt Millen along with threatening messages?

5. Brandon Snyder, Zach Britton, and Oliver Drake

My friends with the Bowie Baysox want you to know that they’re hosting a beer dinner on Thursday, June 18. At first I thought, “huh?”; but then I thought, “Beer for dinner? GENIUS!!!!” It turns out they WON’T be serving beer for dinner (although they should); but instead they will be serving copious amounts of German beer WITH dinner…….which is just as good, if not better. Amongst the beers they will be serving are Spaten Munich Lager and Franziskaner Dunkel Weiss. I don’t know how to pronounce any of those things; but I think I like them anyway. And hopefully they will be served by these ladies…..


6. Carlos Bocanegra

Only a soccer player sees a ball on the ground near the goal and thinks “Quick, drop down and hit it with your forehead!” Bocanegra tallied the winner for Team USA in World Cup qualifying over Honduras; which would be more exciting if it weren’t for the fact that they had to rally just to beat Honduras-who has qualified for the World Cup like-you know-ONCE. EVER.

Just as a note, the 1994 World Cup was supposedly the moment when Soccer became America’s most popular sport with kids everywhere playing. 15 years later; shouldn’t at least SOME of those kids actually be good at soccer by now?

7. Kent Desormeaux

You want to feel good for Desormeaux considering he needed to complete the career Triple Crown; but damnit would it be nice for the Belmont to actually KEEP people excited about horse racing; not leave fans saying “did they run that one again this year?”

The segment with Chip Woolley and Kenny Mayne was brilliant……”Living American Male?” “No.” “Margaret Thatcher?” “DAG NABBIT!” Unfortunately, that bit isn’t available on Youtube; so let’s try this one, where Kenny Mayne and Marshawn Lynch make fun of Willis McGahee. It’s late, and I’m lazy. If you want to be in a relationship with me; you should probably get used to hearing that. TLDGOTFOTP heard some combination of that like 16 times this weekend.

8. Dustin Ackley

Paying attention to Dustin Ackley might be smart in case he’s available when the Orioles pick 5th on Tuesday; but it looks more and more like he’ll go 2nd. Which is good; because he plays for North Carolina…..so he can get bent. Quickly. Unless of course he DOES end up with the Orioles; in which case GOD I PRAY HE’S GOOD.

9. Mark “TNT” Tucker


How freaking great is this guy? He’s 10-0 now; and Paul Williams was in attendance Friday night at a horse barn to watch him win. Outstanding! Plus, he looks like he might be borderline insane; and that can only make things better. And for what it’s worth; the best thing to happen to Sykesville before TNT was having Chris Rock film scenes from “Head of State” there. Any seeing as how I wasted $15 to buy “Head of State” on DVD only to pound my head a hundred times directly into a piece of concrete afterwards; I think they could use something better.

10. Marissa Coleman

Hell of a start to Coleman’s career with the Washington Mystics in the WNBA; which brings me to this Famliy Guy clip; which if you don’t think is funny I might not know what to say to you…..

11. Carlos Zambrano, Carl Pavano, Yovani Gallardo, Carlos Lee, Prince Fielder, Jon Lester, Ian Stewart, Edwin Jackson, John Lannan, Clete Thomas, Roy Halladay, Chipper Jones, Ryan Braun, and Livan Hernandez

Look at all the baseball players who did something good this weekend. None of them play for the team in Baltimore. Sorry, I had to. By the way, how many drinks do you think Jamie Walker had this weekend while watching the Orioles between laughs? “You A-holes still have to pay me!!!”

12. Tony Stewart and Helio Castroneves

Tony Stewart changed to number 14??? What the hell do I do about my tattoos???

13. Hank Baskett

So, do I have to admit that I watched the debut of the show “Kendra” on DVR after watching WEC and the Finals. You could ask me why; but you’re not going to get an answer you like. You might get an answer like “I’m a glutton for punishment.” Anyway; as much as the Eagles suck, I have to admit that this guy deserves some credit……


Hank’s upcoming marriage will mean he will have exactly one more trophy than the football team he plays for.

14. Playing For Change

I don’t know much of anything about anything; but I know that I wanted this to last about 20-30 minutes longer…..

I believe my musician friend John Chambers of the band “The Waywords” said it best in the subject line of the email he sent this to me in…..

Subj: “Ho. Ly. Crap.”

I couldn’t have said it any better myself.

15. Mike Tyson and Las Vegas

Maybe it’s not the number 1 movie in America; but “The Hangover” was damn good. This video is NSFW again; which I wish meant it had Heather Graham naked in it. It doesn’t, but I’ll forgive you if you skip watching it and instead pop in your VHS copy of Boogie Nights. In fact, I’m gonna do the same thing.

You got lucky…..

1. Kobe Bryant

Were the Lakers REALLY an unthinkable Courtney Lee miss away from going to Orlando with the Magic having a chance to win the title at home?

As soon as Hedo Turkoglu blocked Kobe’s shot, an audible “NOOOOO!!!!!!!!” was heard from the Commissioner’s box; which was weird because someone remembered it was the commissioner who was sitting in that box.

2. Mike Brown

A lot easier to beat a guy when he breaks his right hand; isn’t it? Dude, if Billy Wallace would’ve broken his right hand every time we fought in middle school; I would’ve never had to spend the rest of the day balled up in the fetal position in the kindergarten wing bathroom praying no one would find me and see my shame. I mean, my FRIEND would have never had to that. Nor would he have had to ask my little sister to put makeup on him to cover it up.

3. Chris Mortensen, Ed Werder, and every other NFL reporter who is just PRAYING the Brett Favre saga will continue and help them get work



4. Andre Ethier, Alfonso Soriano, and Mark Reynolds

Can Mark Reynolds really be proud of himself? He hit a game winning home run off Padres infielder Josh Wilson! You might as well just not talk about it. It’s like when you go home drunk and wake up next to a young lady who most resembles Ray Bachman. When your buddies ask you if you got laid the night before, you just say “nope, passed out before I could.”

5. Gary Thorne and Buck Martinez

Despite the fact that Gary and Buck work for the Orioles MASN, I was actually able to track down their immediate statement after finding out they had won an Emmy.

“Thank you very much. You know; some people think it’s easy to just go out there and apply polish to a turd night after night; but we’ve really gotten comfortable with the job……”

Seriously though; congratulations to our friends Brent Harris and Mark Fogelsong from Comcast SportsNet; who also won an Emmy Saturday night in DC. I wanted to make a joke about Deuce wearing a penguin suit; but when I did a Google Image search for “penguin suit”, this is what I found……


……is that NSFW? Does anyone have an explanation as to what I’m looking at or why?????

6. Michael Phelps

Say what you want about the greatest Olympic athlete of all time, but have you ever had Lil’ Wayne write a song about you? I mean, I certainly have; but I’m better than you. Here’s the tune, with lyrics that I’m assuming are NSFW. Unless of course you work at Scores. I hear the 15-7-0 crowd is large at Scores.

7. Anyone who doesn’t get their ass kicked while eating crabs


Did anyone in Baltimore NOT have crabs this weekend? I feel like I read about 800 Facebook updates/blogs/tweets about how someone was enjoying crabs this weekend. But at the end of the night Saturday, the nurse’s office at my apartment was busier than it was in 5th grade before MSPAP testing. I believe my right arm was on the menu of at least 15 mosquitos; while claws themselves left marks on 6 of my digits. To make things more interesting, my cousin Jeff came to town from Las Vegas and might have a shellfish allergy; as he went scrambling into my apartment digging anywhere for Benadryl. I believe there was so much blood on the back porch that my Miller Lite can had an alcohol-blood level twice the legal limit.

You’re a zero…….

Neal Huntington

I actually feel bad for the guy. He might as well trade Nate McClouth; because the Pirates probably aren’t going to be any good with him. But you get the feeling he’d be the type of young talent you’d want to build around. For example, I doubt Orioles fans would be happy if Andy MacPhail had traded Nick Markakis instead of Miguel Tejada.

But the biggest reason Huntington is a zero? Like you even have to ask….