June 15, 2009 | Glenn Clark

You get props:

1. Brian Roberts, Ty Wigginton & Brad Bergesen

Yo Forrester-consider me OFFICIALLY off the Derek Lowe bandwagon. You mean to tell me the greatest pitcher in the history of the world can’t beat the Orioles on a day when they’re not even trying to win???? And to think-you thought the Orioles should have paid him to have him on their team. We’ve got Bergesen Forrester! And Uehara! And…..Jesus Christ I can’t remember the other guys on this team. But they didn’t suck Saturday and Sunday! Thank God!

And as a note to “Warning Track Power”: I really enjoy your fervor and all; but having to hear THIS song at every game might well end up being the death of me. The team is horrible. You put Ryan Freel in the song. Just sing a song about how it’s been forever and it would be nice for them to not suck every now and then. In fact, the hook is catchy. But do I HAVE to be reminded of who the players are?

2. Anna Nordqvist & Brian Gay


I’m not trying to say she’s hot; but when your choices are Nordqvist and say, Christina Kim…..


….it’s not a particularly difficult choice. The LPGA Championship might not be coming back to Havre de Grace; but we’ll always have the memories. (Editor’s note: Upon review, I apologize for not realizing that no one has any memories of this event.)

Brian Gay won the Golf Tournament Classic in Memphis this weekend too. I will give you 5 seconds to giggle about his name.


Can’t you just grow up already?

3. Cain Velasquez, Rich Franklin, & Ray Mercer

Congratulations to Velasquez and Franklin for big wins in Germany. But the story of the fighting weekend HAS to be Ray Mercer’s knockout of Tim Syliva; which ranks amongst the more hilarious knockouts I’ve ever seen.

I swear to God my 7 year old cousin would probably have offered more resistance than Tim Sylvia did. And if I remember right, this fight was supposed to be a boxing match; but after he wouldn’t have been allowed to get a license, Sylvia was able to have it changed to a MMA clash. This is actually more embarrassing than the time I had my pants pulled down in 8th grade in front of the very attractive Emily Hancock only to have it revealed that I was apparently the only person in my entire middle school who was still wearing tighty-whities. Did I say that happened to me? I meant my cousin. It was really embarrassing for me him.

4. Miguel Cotto

Cotto beat Clottey Saturday night at Madison Square Garden in a fight that no one was more interested in than Bob Haynie, but yet Bob Haynie was unable to see it. Reminds me of the time I was really looking forward to seeing Maryland play at Duke but nobody told the Terps they had a game scheduled that day.

And apparently Floyd Maywather hurt himself and had to postpone his fight with Juan Manuel Marquez from July 18 until September. Hopefully he will remember to reschedule his July 19th retirement party as well.

5. Michael Phelps

Or as I like to call him “The gift that keeps on giving.” In the pool at the Santa Clara Invitational; Phelps was mediocre at best. But does anyone really care about what this guy does in the pool? First of all, he showed up at the event sporting this Jake Plummer imitation….


…..and then we found he wrote a CHILDREN’S BOOK. Chapter 2: “Kids, make sure no one has a cell phone camera.”



You know, after seeing this, I now think I might have to change my mind about my decision to not advance work on ANY of book ideas. Making matters worse, the other guy whose name is at the top of the book-Alan Abrahamson-is a legitimate journalist who covers Phelps for NBCSports.com. I put in a request to interview Alan Abrahamson’s dignity about the book; but of course found out no such thing existed.

6. Jim Miller, Tim Bascom, and Brett Bordes

The Orioles also promoted all the good pitchers in the organization and demoted all of the ones who weren’t major parts of their plans. Somehow Mark Hendrickson remained with the big league club.

7. Andy Murray & Tommy Haas

This is a picture of Tommy Haas’ girlfriend Sara Foster. I will leave you alone now with your thoughts.


8. Phil Jackson

Congratulations to Jackson on setting the new all-time record by winning his 10th NBA Championship. And to think, none of it would have been possible without Will Perdue…..


9. Torii Hunter, Albert Pujols, & Ronny Paulino

These guys LOVE the longball. Jolts. Jacks. Round trippers. Moon shots. Four baggers. BLEACHER….CREATURES!!!!

Elsewhere in baseball, fired their hitting coach Gerald Perry in an attempt to improve their offense. You would have thought that trading for Brian Roberts would have helped……

Was that a low blow?

10. Michal Neuvirth & Andre Giroux

So they couldn’t get a team past the Conference semifinals in the NHL Playoffs, and now they won’t even be able to claim a Calder Cup. What the hell does Canada have anymore????


11. Josh Wicks & Machel Millwood

DC United and Crystal Palace USA were winners this weekend. That’s nice and all; but it CLEARLY isn’t the biggest story in soccer. The biggest story in soccer is somehow…..Paris Hilton?


…..who reportedly hooked up with the world’s most expensive soccer player, Cristiano Ronaldo. I say “reportedly” because journalists are actually covering this breaking news story. I didn’t spend every day of my high school career trying to get into the University of Maryland School of Journalism for nothing, friends.

12. Jim Tracy

Don’t look now, but after a managerial firing; the Colorado Rockies have won 11 straight games. I say don’t look now because if you’ll look, you’ll probably notice that we’re still only talking about baseball. I’d say this was an exciting streak; but I’m not a great liar. Although, MLB.com apparently is….


……as this picture from Sunday’s win was accompanied by the caption “The skies were ominous, but the mood in the stands at Coors Field was festive.”

What the hell part of that picture is “festive”? The part where some people are pointing at something but some people aren’t? It’s a freaking baseball game!

13. Cougar Town

This will almost undoubtedly be the worst television program not only in the history of ABC, but in the history of television. But it the only lasting part of this television program is the image of Courtney Cox we see at the 2:52 mark of this trailer; this show has served its purpose.

14. Hons

Some cities brag about their beautiful weather, near perfect air quality, and/or championship sports teams. In Baltimore, we have……the best beehives?


Of course, they one-upped themselves at this year’s HonFest; as they figured out a way to show off the OTHER thing our beautiful city has to offer, by creating the Guinness Book of Records’ World’s largest crabcake…..


The crabcake is rumored to have been just enough to feed Ray Bachman.

15. Dogfish Head “Aprihop” IPA


As you may have heard, I’m a bit of a beer snob. This is another delicious brew from the fine people at Dogfish Head, who have given us such classics as “Punkin Ale” and “90 Minute IPA”. I generally approve of just about everything Dogfish Head does; mostly because I tend to approve of beer in general. The beer is brewed with apricots, hence the very clever name “Aprihop.” This marked a much better choice than their other idea….”Dogfish Head Beer made out of Apricots for people who started drinking fruity beers instead of getting laid in high school.”

You got lucky…..

1. Mark Martin

The last time I gambled on fuel strategy, I ended up on the side of 695 dumping out a gallon of milk so Barry Aparicio could give me a ride to Royal Farms to get some. Things didn’t work out as well for Jimmie Johnson; meaning the math his crew chief Chad Knaus did to determine he could make it didn’t work. Of course, anything that involves math isn’t a sport. In fact, anything that involves math is nothing more than something that should just go away.

2. Marc-Andre Fleury


Nothing like a well placed crossbar to ruin Nicklas Kronwall’s would-be tying goal and give those inbreds in Pittsburgh another major championship. Thanks for that Detroit. And I’ll say this again; it’s probably best that teams in Pittsburgh are good. Because if I had to live in that WRETCHED place and root for crappy teams, I’d be happy there were 400 bridges to pick from.

3. Alex Rodreguez & Willy Aybar

I’d be angry that A-Rod got lucky and had Luis Castillo drop his pop-up Friday night; but it really couldn’t have happened to a more deserving guy. (Editor’s Note: Apparently, this good fortune could have happened to ANY other human being on the face of the planet and they would have been more deserving.)

Aybar had a double go off 3rd base to help the Rays sweep the Nationals; which is really just like rubbing salt in the wounds at this point. Manny Acta might get fired soon; or he might not. Would anyone really even care???

4. Jim Calhoun

Is it wrong of me that when I heard Jim Calhoun broke 5 ribs and collapsed; I was thinking in my head “Yes, yes, thank God yes!!!!!” But apparently Calhoun is actually going to be okay; and is looking forward to visiting with some of his current and former players this summer. At Leavenworth.

5. Adam Eaton

How in God’s name is this guy still employed???? He got his first win with the Colorado Springs Sky Sox, as he hopes to work his way back to the big leagues to join the red hot Colorado Rockies. Obviously he won’t because he might be the worst pitcher in the history of ever; but at least he gets to hang with this guy while he plays with the Sky Sox…..


6. Viewers of the KOMU News whose Friday night viewing suddenly became more entertaining…

Why the hell doesn’t this type of thing ever happen when Jayne Miller is on location???


7. Bonnaroo attendees

3 hours of Bruce Springsteen, two sets from Phish, a surprise set from Jimmy Buffett, Beastie Boys, etc etc etc??? That’s good and all, but you know how I spent my weekend??? Cleaning up my apartment and trying to get rid of the mildew smell after my dishwasher busted shooting water through the tile into my bathroom. Which lead to this classic text from my roommate….

“If I had to guess how deep the water was, I’d say 8 feet. But I’m not a mathematician.”

Now who had a better weekend?

You’re a zero…….

Good looking people at my apartment complex’s pool


Look, I mostly avoid the pool. Not because I don’t like pools; but mostly because I don’t have the time. But I went to the gym Sunday (save the snickering); and I thought “you know, maybe I should jump in there quickly for a pool shower.” If you don’t know what a pool shower is, you never lived in Arizona. In Arizona it is so hot that you feel the need to take 8 showers a day if you spend more than 5 minutes outside. It had been a while since I had the chance to enjoy a good pool shower; so I decided to hop in Sunday after going to the gym. Of course, my visit to the pool was brief, mostly because there were 5-6 girls and 3-4 dudes that were WAAAAY too attractive to be hanging out at our pool. Go somewhere else people. Chubby dudes who can barely swim shouldn’t have to put up with something like that.