June 22, 2009 | Glenn Clark

You get props…..

1-David Duval

Did you say you’re NOT rooting for David Duval on Monday? You know, I guess I can understand that. I mean, if I’m qualifying my understanding by assuming that you also….

-Hate apple pie
-Don’t enjoy fireworks
-Are a communist
-Don’t know the words to the chorus of “Beer for my horses” by Toby Keith
-Haven’t seen the movie “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”
-Leave the 4th of July party before the fireworks

That’s right, if you’re not rooting for David Duval; you’re anti-American. How bout being a patriot, damnit?

2-Wladimir Klitschko

The least exciting great heavyweight champion of all time defended his belts again this weekend. You probably didn’t notice, mostly because the guy he beat wasn’t named “Ruslan Chagaev” instead of “Evander Holyfield.”

Here’s a list of fighters the great Wladimir Klitschko has faced in the last 10 years….

-Axel Schulz
-Phil Jackson (I’m surprised we missed that…..)
-Lajos Eros
-Paea Wolfgramm
-David Bostice (still claims he never used steroids…..)
-Monte Barrett
-Chris Byrd
-Derrick Jefferson
-Charles Shufford
-Francois Botha
-Ray Mercer (who was past his prime….7 years ago)
-Jameel McCline
-Corrie Sanders (who he somehow LOST to)
-Fabio Moli
-Dannell Nicholson
-Lamon Brewster (lost to this guy too!)
-DaVarryl Williamson
-Eliseo Castillo
-Samuel Peter
-Chris Byrd again
-Calvin Brock (who had a brief career as an Orioles reliever you may have missed)
-Ray Austin
-Lamon Brewster again
-Sultan Ibragimov
-Tony Thompson
-Hasim Rahman (how does he keep getting fights?)
-Ruslan Chagaev

I believe where I come from, we call that a “Who’s who”

3-David Villa and Luis Fabiano

Spain and Brazil are on a collision course for the Finals of the Federations Cup. Which means it is time for me to start thinking about Spanish WAGs. And the only thing I learned is that Spanish WAGs were PARTICULARLY disappointing. Fortunately defender Gerard Pique previously dated a gal named Lisa Lazarus; who lucky for us looks like this…..


4-Albert Pujols and Tony La Russa

Favorite prison rape joke in Family Guy history?

“Hey Brian, who’s your favorite baseball player, Albert Poo-holes?”

And since we’re here, let’s remember that while he HAS won 2,500 games…..he hasn’t always known all of the letters of the alphabet. (But frankly, who has?)

5-Diego Sanchez, James Wilks, and Chris Lytle


It wasn’t a good night to be Kevin Burns. Or to be Clay Guida. Or to be Ryan Leaf. But I guess that’s unrelated.

6-LSU and Texas

How do you decide who to root for in the College World Series? Ummm……how else?

Here’s an LSU exhibit from “Poon of the SEC”…..


Then I Google image searched “Colt McCoy’s girlfriend” and found this…..I don’t know if she’s the one on the right or left, and I don’t care. I’m rooting for both teams…..


7-Kurt Angle

I think TNA was very clever in naming their biggest PPV of the year “Slammiversary.” You seem, because sometimes one wrestler slams another one!

One of my personal favorite “slammers” is Kurt Angle, who won TNA’s Heavyweight Championship Sunday night. Why do I love Kurt Angle? Little things like this…..

8-Kasey Kahne, Richard Petty and Dario Franchitti

Now that Richard Petty has finally won a race, I believe the only other owner who hasn’t won in 10 or more years is this guy….


9-Joe Villasenor and Tim Kennedy

Tim Kennedy is officially my favorite solider since…..


“I want Holyfield!!!!!”

10-Jeff Fiorentino, Troy Patton, Eric Crozier, Brandon Waring, and Steven Bumbry

In Steven Bumbry’s first pro game he connected for a Home Run. He was applauded by fans and teammates alike, but his boss seemed uninterested, saying “Solo home run, huh? Let me know when you hit 400 more and play in 2,500 consecutive games.”

Speaking of which, Ryan Howard’s streak of consecutive games was snapped at 343. Upon hearing the news; Cal Ripken giggle and muttered under his breath “did they say streak?”

11-Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps went to Canada this week to kick everyone else’s ass in swimming. Montreal, huh?

In a completely unrelated story, the website WeBeHigh.com rates Montreal a 5 out of 5 in terms of pot “smoking tolerance.”

COMPLETELY unrelated.

12-Crystal Langhorne

I know, I included something from the WNBA. Look, it’s a rough time of year. I mean, it’s either the WNBA or like, minor league bullfighting. And I looked for the bullfighting, trust me.

How can I salvage this?

Let’s talk about Brittany Jackson. Brittany never made it to the WNBA; but she had a hell of a career for the Volunteers down at Tennessee. She then began a career as a model; where she posed for pictures like this…..


……which couldn’t confuse me any more. I mean, is she hot or not??? I hate it when chicks take pictures in little-to-no clothing and you can’t tell if it’s okay that you’re scrambling for a sofa pillow. I mean, don’t get me wrong; I’ve ripped apart my living room trying to find one-but should I be ashamed of this?

There, now I posted something about women’s pro basketball AND kept your attention. I’ll take my gold medal now thank you.

13-Fake Umpires

Look, if you’re at a baseball game; there has to be SOMETHING that makes you not want to jump from the rail of the upper deck, right? These guys are funny. And losers. But funny losers. Sorta like McLovin. Fast-forward a bit to get to them. And something about John Tesh….

14-Dan Jenkins

Here’s what you’re thinking:

“Glenn, who is Dan Jenkins?”

And the answer my dear friends, from Wikipedia:

Jenkins was born and raised in Fort Worth, Texas, where he attended R.L. Paschal High School and Texas Christian University, where he played on the varsity golf team. Jenkins has worked for many publications including the Fort Worth Press, Dallas Times Herald, Sports Illustrated, and Playboy. In 1985, he retired and began writing books full time, although he maintains a monthly column in Golf Digest magazine.

Larry L. King has called Jenkins “the quintessential Sports Illustrated writer” and “the best sportswriter in America.”

On top of that, here’s what Deadspin founder Will Leitch told Jenkins’ daughter Sally (who writes for the Washington Post) over the weekend about Jenkins “Twittering” at the U.S. Open….

“It’s kind of unbelievable Twitter existed without him. Proves my theory: Had he started a blog before Deadspin, I’d be flipping burgers.”

Now you’re thinking to yourself, “Gosh Glenn, I guess I really should have known who Dan Jenkins is, huh?”

And the answer my dear friends is….

No. He writes about golf. Who cares.

15-The Great Tom Clark


That’s my father and I posing before our upcoming showdown on HBO from Atlantic City. Dad, you’re a good man; but there’s zippy chance you can beat me at Tiger Woods 2010.

You got lucky:

1-Brad Bergesen, Danys Baez and Brian Roberts

Nothing like getting bailed out by a last strike home run. What a weekend in Philadelphia though! I don’t know how many trips to Geno’s it takes to get rid of the taste of a sweep at the hands of the Orioles; but deal with it. And oh yeah, there’s still this….


2-Roger Federer

The saddest thing about this is the fact that the toughest challenge to Roger Federer breaking Pete Sampras’ record may now be Andy Roddick.

3-The guy who hits the “Go Cubs Go” button at Wrigley Field

Lou Piniella says he doesn’t need to be a “dragon” to manage the Cubs; and they started to prove him right over the last few games. So sing along Cubs fans; elimination is still a few weeks to months away….

4-Bob Bradley

Are you serious??????????

The Americans are on to the semifinals because they beat a squad from Egypt (who with a gun to my head I couldn’t have told you even fielded a soccer team about a month ago) and managed to score ONE GOAL in a blowout loss to Italy; who then somehow managed to figure out a way to LOSE to that same Egypt team. They might be uninspired and listless, but in 7 days they might be uninspired and listless champions.

5-John Hyden and Sean Scott, Jennifer Kessy and April Ross

Why are these people lucky? Mostly because the sand at the AVP Tour’s Ocean City Open probably made a beach volleyball tournament look more like a slop volleyball tournament. Of course, there’s nothing wrong about two women diving around in slop. And when I say “nothing” wrong, I mean “NOTHING” wrong….


6-Hold the Cruiser

Sometimes I don’t feel like carrying 100 pounds of weight on my back either…..

In other horse racing news; Churchill Downs began night racing Friday night. In a related story, Pimlico is considering racing at all in the future.

7-Sandra Bullock

She had never had a movie open with more than $20 million in her career until “The Proposal” this weekend; and that hardly counts because most of those ticket sales can be credited to Betty White and Ryan Reynolds’ abs.


Good thing I held on to that sofa pillow!!!!!

You’re a zero…..


I have huge news everyone! Over the next 10 days, Weather.com is only predicting rain for two.

Which means we will be enjoying it for at least 6.

How the hell can Eddie Bauer go bankrupt at a time like this??????

Could any good come from this misery?


Okay yes.