15-7-0

July 13, 2009 | Glenn Clark

You get props……

1-Brock Lesnar

As some witty, good looking fella quipped on Facebook Sunday; “Brock Lesnar-baddest man on the face of the planet.”

What happened Saturday night was the exact proof many MMA detractors are afraid to admit. Not only is the sport just as much of a “sweet science” as boxing is; the product can be just as beautiful.

Brock Lesnar’s performance was both calculating and intense. It was an incredible display.

Maybe Fedor Emelianenko is next himself for the man known as “The Next Big Thing.” I don’t know that it will matter. I’m reasonably certain there are only a few opponents that may have any chance at the UFC’s Heavyweight Champion. Here are some of my candidates……

Rey Mysterio

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFcTApkuIiw[/youtube]

It may have been by disqualification; but Rey Mysterio does technically hold a victory over Brock Lesnar. I’m not sure if Mysterio can get Big Show to throw him out of the octagon (and I’ve have to look over the UFC rulebook to see what would happen in such a situation); but at least he has the mental edge of having accomplished the feat before. Although it didn’t help Frank Mir much….

Grizzly Bear

grizzly

Again, in a match of pure brute strength; I’m not certain who gets the advantage. Lesnar-even at just 265 pounds-could probably balloon back up enough in the 24 hours between weigh-in and fight that he could make up some of the size troubles. I would imagine Lesnar would have to rely on his intelligence to neutralize the bear’s closing ability. It wouldn’t be easy, but in the end Lesnar’s grappling background could be enough to help him survive. Sadly, the only man who could really help him with tactical advice is no longer available for comment.

Optimus Prime

prime

But only after his recent parts upgrade. Lesnar would have thrashed the original Prime. Shia LaBeouf could be of help to Prime should he get in trouble; especially considering the UFC’s long-standing “no weapons” policy. I always thought that was outdated.

Min O. Taur

minotaur

And I’m not talking about Antonio “Minotauro” Nogueira; who Lesnar may well get the chance to devour next should he beat Randy Couture. I’m talking about an actual minotaur; if the fight could work into the busy schedule. If William & Mary doesn’t select this as their next mascot, they might as well disband the entire athletic department.

2-Monica Seles

Is there anyone IN THE WORLD more deserving of being in a Hall of Fame than Monica Seles??? She came back from being STABBED!!!!! Dude, if I got a bad scratch tomorrow I might have to re-consider everything I am doing in my life.

By the way, while writing about Monica Seles, I began to wonder what Monica Lewinsky was doing with her life. You could ask me how the one lead to the other-and the only response I could think of would be “I dunno, drugs?” Anyway, I Google image searched “Monica Lewinsky today” and found this…..

lewinsky

The answer is of course yes. But I’m not really a good gauge because if a pile of sticks asked nicely enough; the answer would probably be yes.

3-Mark Martin and Dario Franchitti

Why is it that all Italian race car drivers have better names than the rest of us? Dario Franchitti and Helio Castroneves aren’t just names, they’re romance novels. I’m reasonably certain that if I changed my name to Alessandro Francesca they’d just go ahead and let me drink the milk.

And if the IRL comes to Baltimore in 2011, at least I’m getting a ringer for my next Little Italy bocce showdown.

4-Derrick Mason

I’m not going to make any jokes. His speech was very moving. There will be plenty of jokes later, but please take a look at this for now.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FE56V04f28k[/youtube]

5-Brad Bergesen and Oscar Salazar

You know what I like about Brad Bergesen?

He can pitch.

Do you think there are more like him somewhere?

6-Brennan Morris

When I have to come up with swimming gags; it’s normally very easy for me to think of a joke about pot, online poker, threesomes, strippers, and or crying. Sadly, Brennan Morris is not Michael Phelps, even if he comes from the North Baltimore Aquatic Club and will be competing at the World Championships thanks to a 2nd place finish in Indianapolis.

Brennan, let me offer a quick recommendation for you regarding how you can help me. More stories about possible drug use and scandalous sex. I know you just graduated from high school, but it’s time to do what I’ve been doing ever since I graduated.

Make poor life choices.

In the meantime, enjoy this picture of Brennan wearing a tuxedo T-shirt. It’s the best thing we’ve got so far.

brennan

(Okay, I’ll admit it. I giggled. Damnit Brennan. Remember: your success will make us proud; your ultimate public demise will give us pure unmatched joy.)

7-Joseph Agbeko

In a fight Saturday night that you might have cared about had it not been for that other thing, Joseph Agbeko beat Vic Darchinyan.

It used to be called “The Sweet Science.” Now it’s called “Hon, do you think there’s any jai alai on tonight?”

8-Brandon Snyder, Dave Krynzel, Brandon Waring, and Levi Carolus

Of course, Chris Tillman and Brian Matusz both gave up runs during the Futures Game Saturday, but let’s focus on the positive here. The organization isn’t exactly stocked with position player prospects, but remember-”we’ll buy the bats”…..cause you know, everyone else will just let us. That’s the right, the 2011 Orioles are like the WNBA-”We Got Next.”

The Baysox always have great promotion ideas. For example, they’re putting together a pillow fight on July 24. And as you know, every pillow fight ever has always looked like this…..

pillow

9-Cezar Guerrero

My friends at Testudo Times passed along this video of Maryland target Guerrero; who apparently thinks he plays for the Harlem Globetrotters…….

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpXr0a3XrG8[/youtube]

Do I want him to be a Terp? Ummmm……..does Garth Brooks want another Dr. Pepper?

(Editor’s Note: Apparently I have no idea whether or not Garth Brooks actually wants a Dr. Pepper. But in my mind, Garth Brooks ALWAYS wants another Dr. Pepper.)

10-Jonathan Sanchez

When Jonathan Sanchez woke up Saturday morning; every pretty girl he talked to couldn’t help but notice how much more attractive he was than the last time they saw him.

When I woke up Saturday morning, my girlfriend (The Luckiest Dang Gal on the Face of the Planet) said “don’t even think about it” and then followed it up with “what the hell do you eat before you go to bed?”

11-Steve Stricker and Eun-Hee Ji

In a conversation I had this evening with AM1570 and WNST.net’s own Drew Forrester; he also won some sort of golf tournament this weekend.

Want more analysis? Ummmm…….the British Open is next week. My pick? Umm….Keeley Hazell?

keeley

12-Dan Haren, Brett Cecil, Jon Lester, Bronson Arroyo, Jeff Niemann, Johan Santana, Brian Moehler, and Josh Beckett

Watching the Orioles game Friday night reminded me of when my girlfriend (TLDGOTFOTP) asked me whether I wanted to go to stay in my underwear and let her make buffalo chicken dip; or put on a pair of pants and go to Chick-Fil-A.

HOW THE HELL DO I CHOOSE?!?!?!?!

I LOVE the Orioles……but Brett Cecil is a Terp. Am I supposed to hope Aubrey Huff takes him deep? He probably hates College Park!

Staying on the topic of baseball; Sunday was the 30th anniversary of the famous “Disco Demolition Night” at Comiskey Park. When reached for comment, America asked why “Rob Thomas Demolition Night” hasn’t happened yet.

13-Chris Daughtry

Thanks to my pal Chad Dukes for passing this along via his Facebook page. You can hear Chad in Washington DC on the new “106.7 The Fan.” (Editor’s note: I have no idea if their radio station is going to be called “The Fan” or not. But CBS has been so damn creative in the past you just get the idea they’re going to continue churning out hip, “fresh” ideas. Chad will be doing a show with Lavar Arrington; which I believe will be called “Who Wants to Marry a Guy Who Plays for the Redskins.”)

Enough shtick. Here’s a version of the song “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga by the guy who America thought was less talented than Taylor Hicks. Which makes me think democracy might not be that good of an idea after all…..

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqT4VnnEU0M[/youtube]

14-Rex Snider and Jason Jubb

Rex-again proving that he only cares about himself-goes out and does something truly noble that I can absolutely not find a way to make a joke about*.

*Of course I can makes jokes about it. For example……

Rex and Jason haven’t spent this much time together since their honeymoon.
Rex had to be convinced that cancer was a more worthy cause than his original idea-donating money to improve dental hygeine at next week’s NASCAR event.
Rex hasn’t raised this much money for one cause since “$1 Skoal week.”
Rex had one thing keep him going throughout the evening-the knowledge that there were donuts coming Sunday morning.

And of course I’m kidding. Nice work Rex. Now please go back to what your day job at WNST.net—blogging up softballs for me to ridicule you about.

15-Bagel Bites

bagelbites

I dare you to look at the picture for more tha………..damnit you’re already in the car on the way to your grocery store. I had a feeling.

You got lucky……..

1-Georges St. Pierre

Is there any champion in the world who is LESS interesting and LESS compelling than this guy? Look, I get it…..he’s the most intelligent, most tactical fighter on the face of the planet. But that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy watching him fight. I mean, he’s incredible and all……but I’m pretty sure this guy had a more engaging personality…..

jovan

(Editor’s Note: Clearly this is a funnier bit if you know that the person in the picture is Jovan Belcher, or “Jovan From Maine.” But if I was good at doing things like this, I’d be on Saturday Night Live. You get what you pay for people.)

2-Melvin Mora

“And what did Cool Hand Melvin do? He slid into home plate. He’s a cool one!!!!”

By the way…..this video was labeled “O’s vs. blue jays 12th inning homer”…..I just don’t know why.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AS33oOEiAnM[/youtube]

3-Stuart Holden

We almost lost to HAITI?????

HAITI??????

And why the hell do Bob Bradley’s Gold Cup lineups most closely resemble Dave Trembley’s Sunday lineups??? I think Bradley is going to play Ty Wigginton in goal next week.

4-Rajeev Ram and Croatia

You know how Cory Matthews won the geography bee in Mr. Feeney’s class? He convinced Minkus to not even bother competing…..

boy

If Rajeev Ram wins an ATP Tour event because another player dropped out; or if Croatia beats the US at the Davis Cup because Andy Roddick wasn’t there…….it’s still a win.

(Editor’s Note: If you don’t get the reference; you’re no friend of mine Steve.)

5-Lance Stephenson

And I will be lucky if this is the last time I EVER have to write about him. But seeing as how I’m pretty sure I wrote something about Gus Gilchrist just a week ago, I don’t think I’m that lucky.

6-Dan Steinberg

Steinberg

The guy started a “Nationals FAIL” campaign a few weeks ago at his very popular “DC Sports Bog” over at WashingtonPost.com; and it’s like he doesn’t even have to try.

Did Elton John’s piano REALLY malfunction at a Nationals Park show?

Why not.

Did the Manny Acta news REALLY come down in the middle of the night?

Why not.

Does Dan Steinberg owe someone in that organization a hearty thank you for their terrible failures?

I think so.

7-Bruno

$30 million, huh?

bruno

The worst part about it is that there’s a chance its funnier than anything else that will come out this Summer.

You’re a zero……

Domestic Violence

Next time a girl slashes your tires because you don’t want to be with her anymore; please think about you handle it. When you say “I’m a man, I’ll just handle it myself”; you’re not helping anything.

Flexing my mic muscles since 1983……

-G

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