July 27, 2009 | Glenn Clark

You get props……

1-Yuri Zhirkov and Baltimore Soccer fans


I have no idea where that cartoon came from; but I guess it’s supposed to make fun of Americans for not being good soccer fans. They’re probably right; as Americans tend to spend way too much time on things of lesser importance-like looking good and not sounding like a dying cat when we talk. British people suck!

Moreover, I believe the single biggest storyline to come from the World Football Challenge is that more people have now seen that weird headgear Petr Cech wears….


Scratch that. The biggest story of the Chelsea-AC Milan showdown was The Guch……


Yeah, that’s the story. The story in my trousers, maybe. Jesus.

2-David Hernandez, David Ortiz, and Brad Penny

And the Orioles are gonna bring up Chris Tillman! Yay! What night is he pitching? I want to go! Wednesday? Who’s he facing?


You know what, he’ll have other starts.

3-Alberto Contador

Is it funny to anyone else to watch Lance Armstrong do interviews and just see how much he hates this guy Contador? Okay, probably not; mostly since that would mean someone else would have to be watching an interview about a bike ride.

So long, 2009 Tour de France! We’ll always have our memories of you. (Editor’s note: Does anyone have any memories of this year’s Tour de France?)

4-Robby Ginepri

Nikolai Davydenko was also a tennis winner this weekend. Looking for analysis on this weekend’s tennis winners? Umm…..they seem to have a lot of vowels in their names?

The Washington Kastles won the World Team Tennis Championship Sunday in DC as well; despite the match being interrupted by a……..marraige proposal?

You know what, this blog is getting really boring quick. Here’s a picture of Anna Kournikova. I can’t force these weekends to be interesting, people.


5-Andy Mitchell, Ambiorix Concepcion, Caleb Joseph, Ronnie Welty, Kenny Moreland and Corey Thomas

Sunday night was “Scott Van Pelt Night” in Bowie, no word on whether or not the 7th inning stretch sounded like this……

God I love SVP. The real question is: Why limit yourself by saying no to clubbed feet?

6-Vernon Forrest

Can this freaking TERRIBLE summer just end already? Jesus man. Forrest was reportedly a really good dude, represented our country, etc. etc. etc.

Really hard to be funny when someone is murdered. God I pine for the days of stupid Rex Snider blogs…..

7-Carlos Vela

Did the Americans not realize they had to play the 2nd half of their Gold Cup final Sunday against Mexico?

I don’t know who Paulina Rubio is; but if Mexico’s success means seeing more of her; I think I’d like to sign up for that…..


8-Justin Morneau, Max Scherzer, Yovani Gallardo, Adam Dunn, Jimmy Rollins, Luke Hochevar, Aaron Laffey and Scott Feldman

In other baseball news this weekend, did this guy really improve to 3-0 for the Phillies Saturday?


Holy crap he’s better than any of our pitchers. Think they’d give him back?

9-Tyson Gay

(Editor’s note: I really wanted to write something here that didn’t involve me snickering at Tyson’s last name. I swear to God I really tried.)

10-Sarah Whitaker, Megan Thornton, Megan Hydutsky, and Maija Limatainen


WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!?!?





hot dog

11-Rickey Henderson and Jim Rice

I will have you know that Roberto Alomar will be eligible for induction into Baseball’s Hall of Fame for the first time next season.

Please let me say something here.

If Roberto Alomar is not being inducted into Baseball’s Hall of Fame at this time next summer; I will not watch a game of baseball until he is.

If you think I’m kidding, you’re insane.

12-Sylvia Fowles

Do we still get excited about girls dunking? The WNBA had an All-Star Game; I guess because for some reason they have to. Sylvia Fowles dunked on her 2nd attempt in the final minute after the defense cleared out for her.

What do you call someone who makes fun of a girl dunking despite the fact that he has never actually been able to dunk a ball himself?

Oh, that’s right. A hypocrite. I accept.


Anyone else notice it’s been a bit of a crappy Summer for new music? Thank God for Hov.

Here’s a note: If you plan to use the name of Jay-Z’s new song as your Facebook status (as one particular dreamy blogger decided to do Friday night); please explain yourself in advance so that other social networking “media” members (who are paid by the organization they “cover”) don’t think you’re making grand statements about yourself.


Although, I think I’m going to stick with Glenn “The Complete Package” Clark moving forward. I’ll always owe you that one, Steve.

Anyone else notice Melewski is looking like that “Real Life Peter Griffin” fella?


14-Shock Top


I cannot tell you how much I love this beer. Hell, I’d even buy Melewski 7-800 of them if he wanted to go throw some cornhole or something. I went to Padonia Station Saturday night (are they still a sponsor?) to see a cover band (I believe their name was Star Position, and they played some kick-ass tunes); and I couldn’t have enjoyed these any more. In fact, I’m pretty sure that after about 18, I stumbled into Scott Hoffman (from OriolesHangout.com) and told him I loved him. Which I do, but I don’t usually tell a man these things without a few brews.

Also, thanks to “The Luckiest Dang Gal on the Face of the Planet” for getting us home and getting me to bed. I think. The rewards of our relationship really keep coming in for her.




I went grocery shopping last Thursday, which gave me the best excuse I could ask for to have breakfast food for dinner Friday, lunch Saturday, and dinner again Sunday. If you wouldn’t do the same thing; you’re our of your mind.

You got lucky……

1-D.J. Hackett

If Drew Bennett was the fat girl the Ravens took home from the bar because it was the end of the night and they didn’t have many options left; what will D.J. Hackett be if they come groveling back to him?



2-Matt Holliday and J.A. Happ

Matt Holliday got out of Oakland, and J.A. Happ was spared a sentence in Toronto…..at least for now.

That being said, there’s worse places than Toronto, right?

For example…..this crap hole comes to mind…….


3-Jimmie Johnson and Will Power

Johnson won at Indy because Juan Pablo Montoya was speeding on pit row; and Will Power won in Edmonton under caution.

Of course, neither of these guys are as lucky as Formula 1 driver Felipe Massa; who nearly DIED in a crash after being struck in the helmet by a spring from another car. Here’s the video if you’re as morbid as the rest of us are…..

Christ. I mean, Christ. You know, I was a bit scared riding the Batwing at Six Flags last week; but seriously. Why do people do these things for a living? The scariest thing that happens to me at work is when Bachman tells me he had Chick-Fil-A for breakfast and is feeling a little gassy.

4-Loren Roberts and Leif Olson

I’ll set this story up, you tell me how you think it is going to finish. Greg Norman went into the final round of a big event as the leader……..

Back here in the states……errr…..Canada (which is basically just a really big northern state, right?)…..rain is going to apparently force the Canadian Open to finish Monday. When reached for comment, golf fans everywhere asked “Why?”

Of course, Leif Olson found a really conveniently placed ball on the green Saturday…….

……and for some reason decided to continue playing golf after that. Let me tell you this much. If I had done the same thing, I would have gotten in that car and driven it straight to San Diego, where I would have said something like “Golf? Best of luck losers! I’ve got a nice car and I will NEVER do anything that awesome again on a golf course!”

5-Claudio Lopez

The coolest thing about this goal? I totally hit the EXACT same shot with local golfer Chris Appel in goal during a pickup match in Mexico. TOTALLY TRUE. To this day, it is the greatest thing I have ever done in sports.

Lot of soccer in this week’s blog. Not enough hot soccer chicks.


They also sometimes call me Glenn “The Problem Solver” Clark, people.

6-Michael Phelps

Apparently no one thought Michael Phelps’ team could win the relay at the World Championships in Rome.

Which only makes me think that apparently no one was watching that whole “8 Gold Medals” thing in Beijing last summer. Surprising, I saw it on the news a few times and on the cover of every magazine ever created.

(Editor’s note: You were waiting for a pot joke, weren’t you. Well shame on you. Michael Phelps is an American hero. He deserves better. Plus…..he’s in Italy. Hard to miss late night Papa Johns runs when you’re in FREAKING ITALY.)

7-Guinea Pigs

The movie “G-Force” looks like quite possibly the WORST movie ever made.

So of course it opened at #1 making more than $30 million.


And Harry Potter was #2.

I’m starting to lose hope, America.

You’re a zero…….

Anyone who isn’t a fan of Shaquille O’Neal


If Shaq really does just show up at the White House Monday; he’s getting in.

Trust me on that.