August 03, 2009 | Glenn Clark

You get props…..

1-Michael Phelps

Are you freaking kidding me? I don’t care what you think about Mike Phelps, that was downright nasty. In beating Milorad Cavic at the World Championships in Rome; Phelps not only beat his biggest rival; he did it in inferior gear.

Of course, compared to Daniel Craig as James Bond in “Casino Royale”, we ALL have inferior gear…..



2-Jacoby Ellsbury, Josh Beckett and Victor Martinez

“In other news, the Orioles still suck. Yep. In fact, the only team they’ve beaten this year was the New York Knicks!


And did you guys hear about this? Apparently Melvin Mora feels “disrespected” by Dave Trembley.

Uh-huh, that’s true.

And it’s funny, because Dave Trembley feels disrespected by having to manage the Orioles!

Paul, give me some Dave Trembley music….”

(So…..how’s my Letterman?)

3-Terrell Suggs

Way to be a hero, Sizzle…….


……also, with Suggs’ dramatic return to Training Camp; can we bring back “King Ugly” already???

4-Tiger Woods, Fred Funk, and Catriona Matthew

Did anyone notice the names in the rest of the Top 10 at the Buick Open?

Roland Thatcher
Greg Chalmers
John Senden
Y.E. Yang
Ben Crane
Michael Letzig
Brian Vranesh
John Rollins
Bob Heintz

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? I think half of these people went to Chapel Hill Elementary School with me.

Can Tiger Woods actually beat real golfers anymore?

5-Andrew McCutchen, Matt Holliday, Melky Cabrera, Angel Pagan, Cody Ross, and Kendry Morales

Elsewhere in baseball news this weekend, two Red Sox employees were fired last year due to steroid implications. I was a little bit surprised to find out that one of the juicing employees was Pedro Martinez’s midget friend….


…….although that guy did always kinda seem like a juicer.

6-Nikolay Davydenko, Sam Querrey and Marion Bartoli

You’re on your own on Bartoli. I’m not really a fair judge on these things, mostly because I’m way too good for girls like her. Sure; she’s an attractive, successful professional athlete and I’m a doughy guy who makes minimum wage….but they ALL want me. I have to be more choosy. But again, your call……


7-Ashley Fiolek and Kenny Brack

Do I watch the X Games? No. Do I think it’s cool that a chick who can’t hear is kicking everyone’s ass at Motocross? Yeah.

Here’s this……

Jesus, do I have to be sappy? Can’t this whole thing just be about poop and fart jokes? I mean, how do I make a joke here?

Rex Snider sucks.

Okay, now I feel better.

8-Jeff Fiorentino, Eric Crozier, Joseph Mahoney, Brian Ward, and Mike Flacco

In other Orioles organization news, there is a “strong possibility” Brian Matusz will be called up to make Tuesday’s start in Detroit after he was pulled from his start Saturday in Bowie after 1 inning.

However, when someone pulled Brian and said “dude, this is so cool. You get to go to Detroit and you’re gonna pitch for the Baltimore Orioles”, Matusz reportedly admitted to having second thoughts.

9-Rachel Alexandra and Soul Warrior

This is particularly difficult for me. I’ve used up all of my “Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse” jokes, and I don’t really have anything else to go back to now that Rachel Alexandra has won the Haskell Invitational.

Strike that! It’s time to crown a “King of the Rachels”, and my roommate (“The Luckiest Dang Roommate On The Face of the Planet”?) is my competitor. Let’s go…..

I’ll start with Rachael Ray……


Matt: “Well played Glenn. But how about actress Rachael Leigh Cook?”


Me: “You son of a bitch, you know I have a thing for that girl. Okay, how about a delicious Rachel sandwich?”


Matt: “Ahh yes, I hear Bachman has 13 of those a day. How about actress Rachel Bilson?”


Me: “Man. I’ve gotta dig deep here. Oh, I know……Rachel Blanchard!”

Matt: “Who?”

Me: “You know, Rachel Blanchard. The girl who replaced Alicia Silverstone as Cher when they turned the movie Clueless into a TV show!”


Matt: “You know what Glenn, you’re the king of the Rachaels.”

Me: “YES!”

Matt: “And the King of the dudes who have no chance of getting laid tonight.”

Me: “oh……”

10-James Franklin and Devin Burns

Former Georgia QB recruit Devin Burns is headed to College Park, and I have to take this time to recommend Cluck-U as his personal indulgence of choice. (By the way-the great thing about College Park during the summer is that the line at Cluck-U at 3am is WAAAAY shorter than you’re used to.)

While I didn’t go with the usual 3am order of “Put as many Little Romans as you can in a bag and bring them over here”; I did enjoy a tasty BBQ cluckwich, and stole about half of my friend’s cajun cluckwich. And if you don’t think this thing looks better than anything you’ve seen all weekend, you can go back to Michigan or whatever hell-hole you came from, Fred.


11-Jason Schmidt, Cliff Lee, Jeff Niemann, Chris Carpenter, Tim Lincecum, Carl Pavano, Brian Bannister, and Bud Norris

That guy’s name is Bud Norris. Holy crap. It’s like the greatest name in the history of sports. You know, other than…..


12-Ryan Briscoe

Normally I pair the weekly IRL winner with the weekly NASCAR winner; but apparently NASCAR had to postpone their race this week (anyone? I’ll go with the “Guys Who’ve Never Paid For an Oil Change 400”) until Monday because of rain.

Funny story. When I was 15 and trying to get my learner’s permit; I failed my first test because I missed the question about when a road was most dangerous after rain.

Wait, that wasn’t a funny story at all. Jesus, why are you reading this? Shouldn’t you be reading the newspaper or something? Oh right……..


NOT ONLY are they the smartest radio show sponsor of all time (a completely unrelated reminder to tune into “The Comcast Morning Show” tomorrow morning from 6-10), but they’re also doing me the GREATEST FAVOR ANYONE HAS EVER DONE.

ESPNU and ESPN360?!?!?!?!?!?

Never again will I be forced to miss a single Nevada-Utah State showdown!

(Editor’s note: As if I had missed one before……)

14-“Shining Down” by Lupe Fiasco & Matthew Santos

How this song has been around for a month and a half without me knowing is quite possibly the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me in my life. There was the whole “crying in the bathroom in 4th grade because Laura B didn’t like me” thing, but if you knew Laura B; you would have been crying too.

Lupe says his new album (entitled “Lasers”) “will be the best received album of (his) career.”

Similarly, I believe when Guns N Roses released “Chinese Democracy”, Axl basically said “It probably sucks, but you waited 20 years. Why don’t you just buy the stupid thing?”

15-Megan Wants A Millionaire

You sons of bitches at Vh1 have done it again. I REALLY don’t care about some reality TV show contestant’s attempts to mate with a man who is worth a bunch of money; but I’m going to be watching. You know why?


Why don’t they just call the show “Tall, attractive blonde does whatever the hell she wants, just because she can.”

You got lucky……

1-Ozzie Newsome

You can give me as many “we knew he was coming back” and “in Ozzie we trust” statements you want. If Derrick Mason hadn’t come back, the first you saw Kelley Washington and Yamon Figurs lined up at WR, you wouldn’t have been so understanding.

I guess this probably means the Ravens are no longer in the market for another receiver. However, I happen to think they still should be. And this is it. My one final plea. Add one more veteran receiver to make this team a Super Bowl contender. I know the answer…….


2-Tito Ortiz

So Tito Ortiz is back in the UFC…..and I’m supposed to be excited. Which makes sense and all, seeing as how The Huntington Beach Bad Boy has defeated all of ZERO relevant fighters in 3 and a half years.

BUT, Tito Ortiz being back in the UFC MAY mean that this person will be at UFC 101 next Saturday when we take our bus trip up to Philadelphia next Saturday…….


“Excuse me, Ms. Jameson; could you take a look at something for me?”

3-Kenny Williams

Good for him, because there’s no chance that he’d convince Glenn Clark to leave San Diego for Chicago. Or leave San Diego for Dallas. Or leave San Diego for ANYWHERE ON THE PLANET.


And if Jake Peavy can help a team that took 3 of 4 from the Yankees this weekend, he’s got a new fan.

4-Emma Newbiggin

And by “lucky”, I mean the type of “lucky” that is sort of like how my own lovely girlfriend (You’ve heard of her, “The Luckiest Dang Gal on the Face of the Planet”) is “lucky”. You know, the “Not actually lucky at all” type of “lucky.”

Emma Newbiggin is married to this charming fellow; pro boxer Rob Newbiggin-who also happens to be the sparring partner of boxing superstar Ricky Hatton.


At 44, Rob is at a crossroads in his life. He will not be able to continue fighting for much longer; but can’t stomach the thought of retirement. But unlike the rest of us, Rob has a plan.

He’s becoming a woman. And he’s going to continue to fight as a female named Mercedes.

And, “The Luckiest Dang Gal on the Face of the Planet Part 2” is going to stick with him/her.

And with that being said; I’d like to officially pass along my honorary pimp hand to Mr./Ms. Newbiggin.

That my friend, is STRONG.

5-Michael Bishop

I have no idea why Comcast SportsNet was showing a CFL doubleheader Saturday; but OH MY GOD THANK YOU THERE’S SOMETHING TO WATCH BESIDES BASEBALL!

Remember when Michael Bishop was supposed to be greater than Michael Vick? When Patriots fans wanted him to start in place of Drew Bledsoe? So do I…..mostly because I know damn well I couldn’t do these things…..

Well, for some reason; despite the fact that the dude is more amazing than ANYONE I HAVE EVER SEEN, he’s never been able to hold down a job. But the Winnipeg Blue Bombers signed him last week, he practiced maybe 3 times, and then went out and beat the Toronto Argonauts.

Meanwhile, the Patriots think they should sign Cleo freaking Lemon.


6-Michelle Wie

When asked why Michelle Wie was named one of her Captain’s choices for Solheim Cup play, Beth Daniel said “Look, I can pronounce her name.”

7-Blue Moon


Is it at ALL surprising that one day after Sgt. Crowley drank Blue Moon at the White House “Beer Summit” with Barack Obama; MillerCoors announced that sales for Blue Moon are up in 2009?

With this whole “Beer Summit” in mind, I decided to hold a few “Beer Summits” of my own this weekend. We used to call them “Friday” around the apartment, but now they’re diplomatic!

You’re a zero……

The demise of the Arena Football League

Ahh yes, why would we want the AFL around? I mean, instead……..WNBA?

By the way, if the greatest thing that ever came from this league was this Chicago Rush commercial with my buddy Sherdrick Bonner; it was well worth it……