15-7-0

August 10, 2009 | Glenn Clark

You get props……

1-Anderson Silva and BJ Penn, Brian Bowles and Dominick Cruz

The stars of the fight weekend may well have been Silva, Penn, and Bowles; but the star of WNST’s UFC Bus Trip was a Ground Control Fighter named Raven Brooks. Raven is a confident young man with an attractive girlfriend who is absolutely much more well-adjusted than I have ever been in my entire life.

This wouldn’t be such a concern if it weren’t for the fact that Raven is 14 years old. And if you’re asking me how I know that his girlfriend is attractive, it is because he personally took the time to make sure he showed each and every one of us on the bus. This was an important moment for many of us, as it served as one of those “moments of clarity” where you get the idea that maybe nothing you have ever done in your entire life will match the accomplishments of a young man entering high school this fall. You also wonder if maybe you should be in prison. But that’s a story for another day.

Frank The Tank (and the lovely Mrs. Frank The Tank) were also amongst the stars of the bus, and worked very hard to uphold my only rule….”Don’t be an asshole.”

If you miss out on these bus trips, you’re an idiot. This was like Summer Camp.

As a handsome man I know who roots for the Terps and enjoys new beers Facebooked early Sunday morning;

Have any two human beings ever switched roles quicker than Anderson Silva and Forrest Griffin did tonight? One went from evil to hero; the other hero to….well……bitch.

I believe I saw Forrest Griffin running alongside my apartment still. He was saying “No Mas.”

And props to the crowd in Philadelphia, who did exactly what we thought the crowd in Philadelphia would do…..

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rytx0ZIqYdQ&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]

2-Graham Gano

This was clearly one of those “how do we put pressure on this kid without ACTUALLY putting pressure on this kid?” situations. You gotta make the kick to give us the afternoon off……..BUT…..it’s only a 36 yard kick.

It’s sorta like saying to me….you want a week off of work? You gotta go get a girl’s phone number. THIS girl’s phone number…..

kerr

Miranda Kerr? You think it’s a challenge for me to get Miranda Kerr’s phone number? Christ. Give me something difficult. And let Forrester know I’ll be out this week.

3-Jason Berken, Adam Lind, and Roy Halladay

In other Orioles news this weekend……..they signed Freddy Guzman. So…..now…..they have Freddy Guzman.

And they’re terrible.

And pitching messiah wasn’t very good Sunday.

The Oakland A’s are coming to town this week. Buy your tickets now, or you…..might…not….ge……CHRIST this team is awful.

4-Juan Martin Del Potro and Flavia Penetta

Of course, by defeating Andy Roddick on Sunday at the Legg Mason; Juan Martin Del Potro earns a new nickname from me…….”asshole.”

Pardon my french. Bonjour.

Flavia Penetta looks like this…….

flavia

Which means her name isn’t the only thing she has in common with this man……

flav

Why does he not currently have a show on TV? He deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. Which Hall of Fame you ask? EVERY Hall of Fame.

5-Rod Woodson

Channeling Lance Storm, “If I could be serious for a moment…..”

Good for Rod Woodson for making a statement like he did Saturday night knowing he’d be dealing with a hostile environment there in Canton. Art Modell DOES belong in the Pro Football Hall of Fame; and it’s going to take more guys like Rod standing up and proclaiming it.

Who else enjoyed Ray Bachman’s introduction of Ralph Wilson by the way?

berman

6-Jake Arrieta, Kenny Moreland, Ryan O’Shea, Richard D’Oleo, and Gary Helmick

But of course, Bowie was swept at the hands of Pawtucket; which means that no one in the world of Orioles baseball is capable of beating the Red Sox.

Is there an outside chance that when Dave Trembley needed to call up a pitcher last week during the Tigers series, he asked guys like Arrieta, Andy Mitchell, and David Pauley only to hear them say “You know what DT, thanks……but no thanks.”

7-Gonzalo Higuain and Petr Cech

Don’t worry Washington sports fans! If you missed Sunday’s DC United-Real Madrid contest; you’ll have ten more chances this fall to leave FedEx Field after seeing your team get their ass kicked!

8-Kerry Collins

I’ve missed you, sweet friend. Please don’t leave me in the hands of that other game whose name alone is so ugly I can’t mention it here for this long EVER again.

Of course, I didn’t even watch the game. There was a fight on. But having the option is good enough for me.

9-Michael Cuddyer, Wandy Rodriguez, Bobby Crosby, Derek Holland, Johan Santana, Russell Branyan, CC Sabathia, Carl Pavano, AJ Burnett, Jason Michaels, and Kelly Shoppach

Elsewhere in the world of Major League Baseball, the Yankees swept the Red Sox. I want to get excited about this; but I hate both of these teams…..so, get bent everyone who roots for these teams.

I hear the Red Sox have a plan for getting better though, and it involves signing this man……..

fred

Okay, I’m just gonna put it out there. I’d basically hire Fred-Ex to do anything. And if someone can produce a Ravens jersey with the number 84 on the back and “Fred-Ex” as the name……..I’ll give you some sort of concert tickets. Or something.

10-Scott Dixon and Marcos Ambrose

Scott Dixon became the all-time winningest driver in IRL history this weekend; which can’t be a good sign because no one I know has ever heard of him.

But this doesn’t seem like the strangest world record of all time. Especially knowing that this man, Jackie “The Texas Snake Man” Bibby owns the record for most rattlesnakes help in his mouth…

snakes

Which reminds me of something……………

11-G.I. Joe

This also gives me an excuse to let you know that a REAL American Hero-Iraq vet Tony Fein-joins the Comcast Morning Show Monday at 7:15. Fein is a rookie LB out of Ole Miss who is in Training Camp trying to make the Ravens’ roster.

You know, since I’m at it, here are some other things I’d like to plug……

-I rule.
-My first book “It’s Hard Being The Complete Package” will be available in August 2012.
-I haven’t had time to go grocery shopping or do laundry recently. If someone else has a few minutes, I’ll repay you in WNST polo shirts. All of which are 5x.
-There is no chance you can get me to pick which John Hughes movie is best. Home Alone, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and The Breakfast Club would be my Top 3 though.
-I will be appearing personally at Chick-Fil-A at least 14 times this week. If you’d like a picture or autograph, buy me a sandwich.
-No, that is not me on this season of Fox’s show “More To Love”, and you’re a jackass for asking.
-I think Melewski and I will use the name “Gator Bites” when we beat everyone at the Maryland Cornhole Tournament Sunday in Annapolis.

12-Jim Riggleman

I heard a rumor that MASN analyst Rob Dibble said the Nats were “a playoff team” who just didn’t get going until later in the season.

HOW THE HELL DOES PETER ANGELOS CONTROL THEM TOO?!?!?!?!?!?!

Look, it is absolutely INSANE that the Natinals have won 8 straight games. But this is STILL the organization that….

nats
holde
ross
zimm
natinals
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QIjURFhjqV0&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]

Thanks to Dan Steinberg for (almost) all of that. While those of us in Baltimore are suicidal about our baseball team, I guess the DC folks have manged to continue laughing. But this winning thing is INSANE.

13-Timo Kaukonen and Tatyana Arkhipenko

I have no idea how the national SAUNA championships could possibly be any less sexy; but here’s a start….

sauna

Is there any chance I could get a recall vote? I believe Svetlana Shusterman is a much more deserving candidate…..

svet

14-Nas

If you think I haven’t been caught singing along to “Eat That Watermelon” this weekend, you’re out of your mind. Nas is one of the greatest emcees of all time, so I’m not surprised he would make a social statement into the summer’s biggest jam….

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgRAgJI7aoc[/youtube]

Also, if this song didn’t change your life, you’re out pal……

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9jau9BLAb4[/youtube]

15-Merriweather Post Pavilion

I was in Columbia Friday night; and I couldn’t help but notice how easy it was to park at the Mall, drink 2-37 beers, throw a football around; and then awkwardly try to pretend like I wasn’t staring at every 16 year old girl in the parking lot and on the hill. (It was a weekend of VERY awkward moments.)

O.A.R. wasn’t the best I’ve ever seen them, but they were sure as hell better than Nickelback or whoever you’re going to see this Summer. The highlight of the night might have been having Matt Nathanson join them on stage to channel Joe Cocker on “With A Little Help From My Friends”…..

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUK2bGTALf4[/youtube]

but the emotional high point of the night was “War Song” (which apparently no 14 year old recognized, so there is no video of it; but I’m hoping this acoustic version gives you the idea)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WA-Fj8UfB6g[/youtube]

Again, enjoy seeing Nickelback. Or whatever variation of Motley Crue you’re going to see. Or Kid Rock. I’m sure they’ll be good………

Plus, the venue still kicks ass. Mostly because it is NO WAYS similar to Nissan Pavilion or First Mariner Arena.

You got lucky……

1-Tiger Woods

Tiger got the good fortune of having Padraig Harrington COMPLETELY crap the bed down the stretch, and no matter how many times you listened closely to your TV, I do not believe any farts were audible from Akron.

(Editor’s note: Please save your hilarious “I bet they could be heard from your living room” jokes.)

2-Gregg Zaun

I’m going where?????

zaun

“You think you could get that Wetters kid to pack my bag?”

3-Caddies who have exact change

I have no idea if the story of Patrick Kane beating up a cab driver for not having exact change is true; but if it is, am I wrong to think it’s kinda awesome?

Get current change, you jerk!

4-Armanti Edwards

An actual conversation I had with my girlfriend (you’ve heard of her-”The Luckiest Dang Gal on the Face of the Planet”) Sunday.

“Sweetheart, this is exactly the reason why I can’t do work around the house. You see what happened to the Appalachian State quarterback?”

She of course understand, and did a damn fine job of trimming the hedges, I might add.

Also, upon hearing that something had happened to Armanti Edwards, I immediately asked “Is Stephen Curry okay?”

5-David Ortiz and Josh Hamilton

David Ortiz is going to be forgiven because everyone else was using steroids. Josh Hamilton is going to be forgiven because he looks like the coolest dude I have ever seen in my life…..

josh

By the way, in some circles in Arizona; an evening that starts at Maloney’s in Tempe and ends at Les Girls is known as “A Night Out with Glenn Clark.”

6-Roddy White

Crap, I already wasted my Freddie Mitchell bit. I got a Bachman in…and a Melewski…is there a way to make fun of Rex Snider here?

Roddy White held out and ACTUALLY GOT PAID?!?!?!?!? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard since Rex Snider’s last blog?

So it’s not my best material. It’s 1:15 and I have to be awake in 3 hours. Next week, you write the blog.

7-Hot Sauce

This isn’t an omen to the And1 Mixtape Tour.

sauce

I was sitting in my high class breakfast establishment Saturday morning/afternoon (the INTERNATIONAL house of pancakes), and I realized that EVERYTHING on my plate (which was already delicious), could only be better with hot sauce.

Of course, how this lead to my roommate (“The Luckiest Dang Roommate on the Face of the Planet”) and I doing shots of Tabasco until 5am is beyond me.

You’re a zero……

Sweat

As if I needed Hot Sauce. I could have probably just walked around with a bucket this weekend and used it to add some spice to my life. I’m pretty sure Tim Williams could have just said to me something like “Why even bother wearing pants this weekend, fellas?”

The point is that there is NOTHING in the world that is grosser than sweat. Especially men who have had a little too much buffalo chicken dip in their day and sweat in places they shouldn’t sweat really. Unless you sweat like this…..

sweat

…..not cool.

-G

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