August 17, 2009 | Glenn Clark

You get props……..

1-Felix Pie and Chris Tillman, John Lackey, Juan Rivera

Holy crap he DOES have 5 tools!!!!

Unfortunately, they are tools that are only available 2 months a year.

Of course, that’s 2 months a year more than Darnell McDonald ever had his tools available; so……..

In other news, the Orioles signed their 11th round pick Sunday. Unfortunately, their 11th round pick was not named Albert Pujols OR CC Sabathia.

2-Y.E. Yang

I get the excitement about the first Asian player winning a Major Championship; but….ummm…..has anyone noticed what’s been happening on the LPGA Tour recently? Exactly…..

Of course, if this gal was winning on the LPGA Tour, they might be in better shape……


(Editor’s note: After reading this, I was worried it might be considered borderline racist. Am I saying that I’m into Asian girls? Yes. But that’s only because they’re girls. You see, I’m into ALL of them. And they are ALL into me. ALL of them.)

(Editor’s note 2: Anybody know what Tiger Woods did this weekend?)

3-Cris Cyborg

This is a little unfair, because I’m not exactly certain of what happened between Cris Cyborg and Gina Carano this weekend after the weigh-in……


(Editor’s note: I did watch the fight. OF COURSE I watched the fight. I’m reasonably certain it may have been the most important fight of all time, actually.)

4-Alberto Castillo, Ryohei Tanaka, Brandon Waring, Oliver Drake, Nate Haughian, and Vito Frabizio

In other Orioles organizational news, prospect John “Rhyne” Hughes was announced as the player to be named later from the Gregg Zaun deal. He’ll head to Norfolk.

When reached for comment, Hughes was rumored to have said “Baltimore? I was effing traded to Baltimore? You guys think retirement might be a better option?”

When reminded that his comment would be played for everyone in Baltimore to hear, Hughes may or may not have said “Who friggin cares? I’ve watched the Rays play in Baltimore! They have like 73 fans!”

Also, with no offense to this John Hughes, I would’ve much rather had the OTHER John Hughes. And with that in mind, I didn’t get the chance to do this when he died; so I want to offer this “You freaking rule” to John Hughes. Your movies are certainly amongst the greatest of my generation. Many of them changed my life. So sorry to see you go. Here’s one of Hughes’ finest moments…..

5-Usain Bolt

I don’t often say HOLY CRAP twice in the same blog…..but…..HOLY FREAKING CRAP. 100 meters in 9.5 seconds?

Usually when I run, it takes me roughly 9.5 days to be able to breathe again……

6-Andy Murray and Jelena Jankovic


The picture above may well be the most confusing picture I have ever viewed in my entire life. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON THERE?!?!?!?

(Editor’s note: Who am I kidding? We all know I would.)

Also, attention Andy Roddick: when Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal are losing, it is a good time for you to step up and WIN. With no offense to Juan Martin Del Potro (who I can only guess might be a very nice guy?), losing to the same guy twice in 6 days (and blowing a 1 set lead in both) is completely unacceptable. I need you to be a little bit more than eye candy around here….


(Editor’s note: Don’t ask me why Andy Roddick isn’t wearing shoes. He’s Andy Roddick. He’ll do whatever he wants and I’ll like it. If you have a pulse, you will too.)

7-Kenny Britt

You know what though; I bet no matter HOW successful Kenny Britt might be, no one will EVER compare him to the Ravens’ current crop of receivers. I bet that even if Kelley Washington has just 350 yards receiving this season and Britt has 1,200; no one will ever say “You see, Ozzie Newsome should have NEVER picked Michael Oher over Britt!”

(Editor’s note: Save the “dude, it’s just preseason” comments. It’s football. It’s important. There’s actually something going on in this town from now until the end of lacrosse season.)

8-Roy Jones Jr.

Roy Jones Jr. beat some guy named Jeff Lacy this weekend. I’m not sure who Jeff Lacy is; but that’s probably just because he’s a boxer. It’s not like any of the rest of you have heard of him, either.

I think Roy Jones Jr. is doing a hell of a job though. Especially for someone who is 157 years old.

(Editor’s note: And can still kick my ass. But then again, there are probably other 100+ year-olds who could kick my ass too.)

9-Gregg Zaun, Randy Wolf, Gavin Floyd, Tom Gorzelanny, Derrek Lee, Garrett Mock, Bobby Parnell, Scott Baker, Ryan Braun, Adam Wainwright, Ryan Howard and Dan Haren

Adam Wainwright and Randy Wolf each pitched their teams to victory AND hit home runs.

That means the Dodgers and Cardinals have players who can both pitch AND hit.

And makes me wonder why the O’s don’t have any players who can do either……..

10-Don Brown

Maryland’s defense is apparently either really good really quickly; or their offense is just not there yet.

I’m a “glass half full” type of guy, so I’ll just say it’s Don Brown’s new defense. And I’ll say it’s because they have ass-kicker Alex Wujciak on their side.

What’s that you ask? Do I have any videos that feature said asskicker being interviewed about how he spent his summer by a good-looking guy whose interview skills would most closely be compared to David Frost or Martin Bashir?


And while we’re here; I was perusing through Alex’s Facebook pictures, and I happened to notice this……..


And while I’m not stupid enough to think that this was ACTUALLY a picture of Wujciak; I did think to myself “Did Bachman lose weight?”

11-Bridget Sloan

I was watching the gymnastics competition the other night was talking to my friend who told me he had been watching the gymnastics competition the other night, and I thought to myself, “why do I always feel the need to take a shower after gymnastics are on TV?”

Also, here’s a picture of Shawn Johnson……


She didn’t win the VISA Championships this weekend like Sloan did; but I’m a man who knows a thing or two about “page views.” And needing another shower.

12-Chris Mortensen

Somewhere in this strange rambling that Rex Snider probably thinks was a well-written column; he MAY have had a point. Maybe. America IS fascinated with celebrity. So much so that we actually have no idea who is or isn’t a celebrity anymore.

For example, T-Pain is a celebrity. He’s a musician who has offered us PLENTY of incredible music, including an appearance on “All The Above” by Maino-which I have a funny feeling I am going to name as my “official Summer jam” pretty soon…..

T-Pain also showed us his extensive ability to entertain when he got “On A Boat” earlier this year with The Lonely Island (Language NSFW. Unless you work as T-Pain. And if you do, what’s up buddy???)

You see, T-Pain is a celebrity. But Chris Mortensen is not.


Chris Mortensen is a reporter. He’s a journalist. He’s a working man. In fact, he’s quite good at what he does. Why, just last week he broke the Vick story. He’s a damn good journalist.

So why was it that I saw Ravens fans chanting “We Want Mort” in Westminster Sunday? Why was PR guy Chad Steele handing Mort a “key to Training Camp?” Why is he traveling around in something that looks like it was most recently used by the Jonas Brothers?


Probably because this country can’t tell celebrities apart from those people who actually AREN’T celebrities.

But I’m not jealous of ESPN’s NFL Insider AT ALL. No sir. I just want to let you know in advance that I want my bus to look similar to Bret Michaels’……


13-Girls Who Play With Their Hair


Ladies-I’m going to let you in on a secret. Of course, it’s not really a secret; because I’m reasonably certain you already know. And of course, there’s probably about two of you reading. But bear with me.

Playing with your hair is what we like to call a “tell.” It means you’re into the guy you’re talking to. You do it because you’re nervous (or “flustered” as I like to say).

Please don’t stop. I find it particularly attractive. And in my mind, everything you do revolves around me.

That is all.

14-Kenny Chesney & Dave Matthews

You guys were really not going to mention that this had happened? Okay. No problem. Just remember that the next time I hear that this girl wants to come over your house and play Madden 10 in her underwear, I’m not telling you.


It’s just how it works around here. Sorry you had to find out this way.

15-Duck Sauce


Are barbecue sauce and hot sauce superior condiments? Quite possibly. But is duck sauce pretty damn good too. Yeah, yeah it is. If you’re not familiar; stop by your local PF Chang’s and pick up 8-10 packets. You don’t even necessarily need anything to put it on. Just squeeze directly into your mouth.

Trust me on this one.

You got lucky……

1-Michael Vick

This one pretty much goes without saying, right?

By the way, does anyone even remember the whole “Ron Mexico” thing anymore? That was like the greatest story of all time!

Once again, innocence lost.

2-Brian Vickers

Apparently another dude ran out of gas late in today’s “NASCAR Race 400”, allowing Vickers to take the checkered flag. I’d tell you more about Vickers’ win; but you’d just start reading something else.

Seriously, is there anything worse than NASCAR? I mean, other than a night out with Steve Melewski?

“Let’s go back and watch some Matt Albers highlight tapes!”

Speaking of which, unfortunately Melewski (who got a little antsy this weekend on Facebook) declined my invitation to play in Sunday’s Maryland Cornhole Cup.

Which only means he’s gonna have to come out for the next WNST Horseshoes Night at the Angle Inn. Man up Steve. We need to make Perry Hall High proud.

3-Cleo Lemon and John Beck

Does anyone in the world have more pull than Cam Cameron???

“Harbs-I know the Dolphins went 1-15 when I was the coach, but I’ve got a feeling that we should sign EVERY QUARTERBACK THAT WAS ON OUR ROSTER.”

Jesus, if the Ravens sign any more former Dolphins, I’m pretty sure the winner of the Graham Gano-Steve Hauschka kicking battle will end up being this “man”…….


(Edit from GMC: That’s right. A Ray Finkel joke. “LACES OUT, DAN!”)

4-Dave Trembley

You gotta love Andy MacPhail’s vote of confidence: “Congratulations Dave, your job is safe. For about 6 weeks anyway.”

You have to love the Birds’ effort against the Angels Sunday even more. In fact, I’m pretty sure it might be a future MASN commercial…..

“My defining moment? Orioles-Angels! Guts is struggling, and the Birds are down 4-0. But B-Rob gets it going, and the Birds come back not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES after the Adam Jones show sent the game to extra innings. Sure the Birds ended up losing 17-8, but a team that can come back 3 times in one game is a team I’m gonna stick behind!”

5-Brandon Marshall

Do I have to be the one to point out that Marcus Smith IS going to be out for the season?

6-Hiroki Kuroda, Ian Kinsler, and David Wright

And by “lucky”, I mean “lucky to be alive.” If any of these things…….

…..happened to me, I’m pretty sure I’d say “you know what guys, it’s been a nice run; I think I’ll switch to doing ANYTHING ELSE instead.”

7-Washington, DC drinkers

My friend Joseph Bryant Diaz (of the world famous “Drip & Diaz” show) made a visit to Washington, DC this weekend. Despite the city having one major, MAJOR problem (their football team is the worst thing that has ever happened to professional sports); I decided to go visit him. He was staying in the “DuPont Circle” area. I put “DuPont Circle” in quotes because DC is so awful that I have never actually heard of the area until this weekend. We were wandering around area establishments all evening, running up ridiculous bar tabs, dodging DC’s finest, and wondering if Diaz (who just so happens to be a paraplegic) was in danger of getting a RUI (which of course stands for “rolling” under the influence”).

The evening appeared to be coming to a close when a friend of mine said “hey, let’s go in here.”


I said to her “I know it’s late; but I don’t think the 87 Summer Ales I’ve had will necessarily make me want to read.”

But she knew something I didn’t. As nestled inside “Kramerbooks” was this…..


You see, there’s a bar inside Kramerbooks, and despite the fact that it was 2:30; they still had brews available; as DC doesn’t stop serving until 3am!

You know what? Your football team STILL SUCKS…….but I give respect when it’s due.

Well played, nation’s capital.

You’re a zero……


Look. Heidi Montag is hot, there’s no debating that. But this marks 2 straight issues of Playboy where the cover girl has inexplicably NOT BEEN NAKED…….


Disclaimer: She shows her ass. And it’s LOVELY. But isn’t that the exact same thing you can see in “Better Homes and Gardens”?

(Editor’s note: My roommate subscribes to Playboy. I would never do such a thing.)

(Editor’s note Part 2: I’m more of a Hustler man myself.)

(Editor’s note Part 3: The AVP Tour’s “Team Gorgeous” DOES get naked in this issue of Playboy……


…….it isn’t disappointing.)

Flexing my mic muscles since 1983……..