15-7-0

August 31, 2009 | Glenn Clark

You get props:

1-Joe Flacco and Derrick Mason

Yeah, they’re pretty good. Maybe not Brandon Marshall good; but pretty damn good nonetheless. (Editor’s note: LOL!)

On a side note, my birthday is next Sunday. As you’re sitting there thinking to yourself, “Geez, I haven’t even asked Glenn what he wants for his birthday!”, I say “fear not! I have a suggestion”…..

flacco

The real one has better eyebrows.

2-Jason Berken, Andy Marte, and Brian Matusz

I have been waiting an ENTIRE SEASON to put Jason Berken on this list. Thank GOD I was finally able to.

In other Orioles news this weekend, Joey Gathright was traded to the Boston Red Sox for a player to be named later. This would be more interesting, but sadly the player to be named will likely be no more talented than this man…..

fallon

(Editor’s note: Could NBC have been pumping Jay Leno any harder during the Bears/Broncos game Sunday night? And how could they have made a promo out of his “Headlines” bit that wasn’t even a LITTLE bit funny?)

3-Antonio Nogueira

Minotauro was pretty dominant in what was a DAMN good fight out in Portland, OR. For the record, most 46 year olds don’t look like Randy Couture…..

couture

Christ, I’m only about to turn 26 and I look more like Ray Bachman (pictured below) than Couture…..

fat

4-Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, James Farrior, and Mark Sanchez

In other NFL News this weekend, Fantasy Football owners worldwide are breathing easier after hearing that Tom Brady’s shoulder is not seriously injured.

When reached for comment regarding the good news on Brady, Jets coach Rex Ryan is rumored to have said “Good, I hope Tom Brady is gonna play. What the hell has he ever done in this league? I know this much, he hasn’t won a single AFC East title since I’ve been in the division.”

5-Pedro Beato, Caleb Joseph, and Nick Haughian

Unfortunately, the Norfolk Tides, Delmarva Shorebirds, and Bluefield Orioles combined to win no games over the weekend.

Which is actually more remarkable, seeing as how a lot of organizations really struggle to use their minor league teams to appropriately prepare for what to expect at the big league level.

(Editor’s note: I apologize, that’s the 2nd time I’ve made a joke like that. But it’s a pretty funny bit. Even Melewski would have to admit that. But he’s probably too busy preparing for the playof……..OH MY GOD I TRIED BUT I COULDN’T STOP LAUGHING I’M SORRY!)

6-Fernando Verdasco and Caroline Wozniacki

Also happening last week at the Pilot Pen, Sam Querrey locked up the US Open Series Championship. Which means I owe the sport of Golf an apology, as there apparently IS a Championship less interesting than the FedEx Cup.

The US Open starts this week. Which means we’ll get to see more of the Bondarenko sisters……

bondarenko

7-NFL Films

If you watched WBAL11′s pregame coverage of Ravens-Panthers Saturday night; you probably saw the 2008 Ravens Yearbook from NFL Films that aired before Pete Gilbert & Qadry Ismail’s pregame show. If you did, you may have spent at least part of the hour before the game crying. I know damn well I did…….especially when they showed OJ Brigance’s speech following the win over the Jaguars that clinched the Wild Card berth.

I don’t have the video; but this highlight package is a nice appetizer. Scott Graham may not be Harry Kalas, but the combination of Graham and Steve Sabol’s team…..you know the results. Well worth whatever you’d have to pay for the DVD.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFXXH8d3UUE[/youtube]

8-Zack Greinke, Paul Byrd, Sergio Mitre, Scott Feldman, Jon Garland, Ryan Howard, Tim Lincecum and Kendry Morales

Elsewhere in baseball this weekend, Mark Teixeira moved past the 100 RBI mark for the season as the Yankees beat the White Sox Sunday.

If you haven’t heard the perverted calls of Yankees Play by Play voice John Sterling; here’s a Youtube clip of Mike Francesca listening to them. (Editor’s note: ?)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdW-vrJSCS4[/youtube]

I swear to God I hate EVERYTHING about this. Not only does this clown say “Swishalicious” when Nick Swisher homers, he says “It’s a Johnny Rocket” when Johnny Damon homers.

Christ. It is an embarrassment to say that this clown used to call Baltimore Bullets and Morgan State games.

Back to Tex, 101 RBI-huh? Good thing the Orioles didn’t make a legitimate offer……

9-Tim James

tim

Kudos to Dan Le Batard for writing about James. I will admit I have always been particularly inspired by Pat Tillman; and spent a lot of my time in Arizona working with the Pat Tillman Foundation. I had no idea Tim James was serving in the Army over in Iraq; and I think this is an awesome story.

Nothing funny here. Tim James kicks ass. I am spending my evening posting hot pictures of the Bondarenko sisters online. He’s spending his evening trying to keep our country safe. I’m a clown.

10-Chris Turner, Phil Costa, Nolan Carroll and Adrian Moten

The closest I came to being named Captain of a football team was on our Club Team at UMBC; where I was named “Fattest Guy on the Team.”

Of course, my club career in Catonsville nearly resulted in a Championship. This is a good story. A local website picked our team (which we appropriately nicknamed “The Bums”) to lose in the Final; and so I (clearly inspired by the upstart Bears team of that season), prepared a whiteboard message saying “Do They Still Doubt Us?”

I broke out an inspirational speech before the game, and unleashed the whiteboard. When our team was up by 10 at the half; I failed everyone by not having anything else prepared.

We were of course railroaded in the 2nd half; but received nice beer glasses for our efforts. I’ve always felt as though I’ve never let anyone down more in my life than I did that day by not preparing a halftime speech.

Do I still have any time left, or should I get off the couch Doc?

11-The Stars and Stripes

Was it weird that during Sunday’s Little League World Series final, I was so overcome with patriotism that I actually started shouting “Kill him! Kill him! MURDER HIM!” at the TV?

Okay, that’s a joke. I would never do such a thing It’s a kids’ game, for god sakes.

I could sit here and tell you more about a LLWS game, or I could give you another clip from The Sandlot. That’s what I thought. As a reminder before I leave, America kicks ass. Your countries are stupid*.

(*Not Italy. Italy is awesome.)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACXta-oH1lU[/youtube]

12-Juan Urango

I’d love to tell you about this boxing match from Friday night, but then I’d have to have watched boxing. Since boxing died years ago, I certainly did not.

Here’s a video of Floyd Mayweather training Vince McMahon backstage on WWE’s Monday Night Raw this past week, which is the most interesting thing that’s happened in boxing in the last 10 years or so.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZppYMwtrm_U[/youtube]

13-Crystal Langhorne and Marissa Coleman

18 points and 10 boards for Langhorne, 11 points for Coleman in a win for the Washington Mystics Sunday. I can’t believe I’m writing about the WNBA, but a Terp’s a Terp.

While we’re on the subject; here’s a gift for Forrester. I’m a thoughtful person.

shay

14-Richard Branson

virgin

Full disclosure here. I had tickets to Virgin Mobile FreeFest Sunday; and those tickets are still sitting on my desk. My cousin’s future husband had his bachelor party Sunday, and that took precedence. Plus, the lineup of Blink 182 & Weezer (no thanks), Jet (seen ‘em once with Oasis), Franz Ferdinand (saw them at HFStival), and Public Enemy (I WOULD have liked to have seen them actually) didn’t inspire me all that much.

But the thing is; 35,000 people were at Merriweather Sunday, meaning this state’s economy was once again fortified by a major concert sponsored by Branson and Virgin Mobile. You know what that means? It means Branson KICKS ASS.

(Editor’s note: Apparently Oasis broke up again Friday because Noel and Liam Gallagher just absolutely CANNOT stop trying to kill each other. The Black Crowes were at Rams Head Live Sunday night, where Chris and Rich Robinson were quoted as saying “those guys should really look into family counseling. If you’re going to be in a band with your brother, you should really get along like we do!”)

15-Nachos

nachos

God is there anything in the world greater than nachos? You can put anything on them. They’re freaking WONDERFUL. You want chicken, beef, crab meat, jalapenos, onions, salsa, etc? I say yes to “all of the above.”

You think there’s a chance I could convince the people at Chick-Fil-A to start serving nachos?

You got lucky……

1-Heath Slocum, Loren Roberts, and M.J. Hur

As I told Forrester Sunday night after Slocum won The Barclays; it is NOT a good thing for some zero to beat Tiger Woods at the end of a golf tournament…….again. Might be good for the 2-3 nerds who would enjoy watching golf anyway; but not for someone like me, who might actually have a life. Key word there is “might.”

And for the record, I prefer Loren’s cousin Julia…..

julia

2-Dominican Baseball Players

Did anyone who read this story think to themselves: “That can’t be right, there’s no way a guy like Miguel Tejada did something like this.”

Didn’t think so.

(Editor’s note: I was going to say we didn’t miss him, but who are we kidding. Our team sucks and he can actually play.)

3-Carl Edwards and Ryan Briscoe

In racing news that is SIGNIFICANTLY more interesting than anything I can tell you about NASCAR or the IRL, Danica Patrick will not confirm that she will be participating in ESPN’s upcoming “Nude” magazine.

(Editor’s note: Apparently “nude” actually means a celebration of the athletic body. Thanks Deadspin for really killing all of my possible excitement about this “Body Issue.” Also, thanks for another sexual innuendo I can use next weekend. “Hey baby, why don’t you come back to my place and celebrate my athletic body.”)

Thanks also to Deadspin for linking this photo with their tip…..

danica

4-Andre Smith

This is good again. I can break down Smith’s contract with the Bengals; or we can watch the video from Andre Smith’s Pro Day.

As a reminder, this video may actually be NSFW.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dF2nYd2NOys[/youtube]

5-Ohio State fans

I think Rich Rodriguez sucks too; so I’ll enjoy this as much as you will. Here’s another gift from me to you. I won’t be so generous next week; I hope Navy kicks your ass.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouZxOa7kSv4[/youtube]

6-Manchester United

I actually love the fact that Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger tried to watch the end of the match from the crowd after being thrown out. I heard a rumor that after it didn’t work, he was going to try the Bobby Valentine approach……

bobby

7-Anyone who hasn’t heard “I’ve Got a Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas so many times they want to rip their car radio out of the dash panel

This might be the one to set you off……

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOHGOwbnvTk[/youtube]

I’ll make a call next weekend; but I think this MIGHT beat out Maino for Official Summer Jam. Mazel Tov!

You’re a zero…..

Summer Ending

For the younger 15-7-0 readers who go back to school today, I feel for you. Last night was the worst night of the year. Totally understood.

Also to those readers, the next time Uncle Glenn asks you to bring him a “Blue Moon Cola”, please make sure to remember NOT to drink any of it before bringing it to him.

If I can TRY to brighten your day, remember that you’ll spend most of it just writing your name, and MAYBE, just MAYBE, this will happen today……

teacher

-G

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