November 23, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Ravens Tuesday. It’s the Tuesday Top 7. You should probably be familiar with it by now.

You deserve props……

1-Matthew Stafford, Brett Favre, Tom Brady and Bruce Gradkowski

How the eff did the Bengals lose to the Raiders??? I mean, I know Glenn Clark from The Comcast Morning Show picked the Raiders to WIN the game and all-but what the hell does he know???

By the way, I have NO IDEA if Jessica Alba is actually a Raiders fan; but does it really matter?


2-Landon Milbourne and Jeremy Goode

It would be easy to think that Landon Milbourne was the star of the night Friday night in College Park as he put up 24 en route to Maryland’s blowout win over New Hampshire. But you clearly would be guilty of not doing enough research. The REAL star was ABSOLUTELY the 5-way Chili Mac at Hard Times on Route 1……


3-Forrest Griffin

Won a fight against Tito Ortiz at UFC 106. But then again, The Huntington Beach Bad Boy left the arena with this…..


So who’s the REAL winner, here?

4-Mike Bell, Tim Hightower and LaDainian Tomlinson

By helping the Saints rip apart the Buccaneers (nice call on that one, Drew Forrester); Mike Bell probably washed the taste out of his mouth from what happened to his Arizona Wildcats Saturday night in Tucson against the Oregon Ducks. You know, the game where the Arizona students started to rush the field at Arizona Stadium only to then watch the Pac-10 Championship completely slip out of their grasp.

That being said, Relax Arizona. You’ve got plenty of other things going for you……


5-Lucio Gonzaga and Jason Herrick

Congratulations to the Blast and the Terrapins for big wins. Maryland moves on to the Sweet 16 of the NCAA Tournament, where they’ll face Harvard up in Boston. Meanwhile, Real Salt Lake won the MLS title Sunday night in Seattle. This is pretty maddening considering the fact that RSL finished the season UNDER .500!

That would be sorta like these guys winning the Super Bowl…….

6-Evan Pittman, Vinnie DePaola, Zach Zwinak, Dominic Harper and Zach Burkhardt

Congratulations to Dunbar, Hereford, Linganore, Joppatowne and Eastern Tech for big playoff wins in High School Football. And since we’re talking about high school football, I was wondering which fictional high school football player I’d take first in a Fantasy Draft….

Charles Jefferson from Fast Times at Ridgemont High…..


Or this NEW fictional High School baller “Michael Oher” from the new flick “The Blind Side.” Have you seen the size of this guy???


Could you imagine if this monster was in the NFL?!?!?

7-Greg Jennings, Chris Chambers, De’Sean Jackson and Mario Manningham

Oh, the Steelers lost an embarrassing game to the Chiefs? And Ben Roethlisberger got hurt in the process? Well, let me channel Justin Timberlake to cheer you up a bit….

And another thing. F*ck the Steelers.

8-Andrew Kase and Domanick West

Congratulations to the Johns Hopkins Blue Jays, who went on the road and beat a previously undefeated Hampden-Sydney team in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. It’s the most exciting thing that’s happened to those nerds on the Homewood campus since that one time that a semi-attractive girl was on-campus….


I mean-she wasn’t HOT or anything. This is Hopkins we’re talking about after all…..

9-Craig Tatum and Matt Angle

A lot of people think that signing a former backup catcher from the Reds with a career .162 average will have minimal to no impact for the Orioles. But I think that’s remarkably short-sighted when it comes to the brilliance of Andy MacPhail. For example, let’s consider the conversation Andy MAY have had with free agent pitcher John Lackey on Thursday, PRIOR to the acquisition of Craig Tatum…..

AM: “John, Andy MacPhail here.”
JL: “Andy, to what do I owe the honor?”
AM: “Well John-we’re wondering if you might be interesting in joining us here in Baltimore.”
JL: “HA! Andy-no offense-but there are actually a few major league teams who want me.”
AM: “John-we ARE a major league team, and we’ve been making a lot of strides to improve.”
JL: “Oh. Well, who have you added this offseason to make yourself a contender?”
AM: “No one yet John…..”
JL: “Thanks but no thanks Andy.”

And NOW here’s how the conversation might have went Sunday, AFTER the Orioles acquired Craig Tatum….

AM: “John, Andy MacPhail-General Manager of the Baltimore Orioles.”
JL: “How did you get my number?”
AM: “That’s not important, John. What IS important is the idea that we think you should come join us here in Baltimore as we continue to turn around our franchise.”
JL: “Hmmm….well, what have you done this offseason to try to impove the franchise? You signed anyone?”
AM: “In fact, just this week we acquired Craig Tatum……”
JL: “Craig Tatum from Cincinnati? Can he be my personal catcher?”
AM: “Absolutely John.”
JL: “Mr. MacPhail, I look forward to joining the Orioles organization.”

10-Jack Del Rio

You HAVE to give Jack Del Rio credit. There is little to NO talent in Jacksonville (besides Maurice Jones-Drew and Mike Sims-Walker maybe), yet that team is 6-4. Wow.

That being said, I think this is an appropriate time to discuss “Favorite Dels”……

How about Del Harris?


Or maybe Del Taco???


Or even Del Amitri???

11-Doug Martin, Jacory Harris, Mark Ingram, Tim Tebow, Chase Keenum, Jacoby Ford, Jarrett Boykin, Daryll Clark, Jacquizz Rodgers, Shane Vereen, Colt McCoy and Jeremiah Masoli

And now it all sets up for Oregon to face Oregon State this week in the Civil War for the right to play in the Rose Bowl. Which is ABSOLUTELY the biggest thing to happen in the Beaver State since this man came to town to wreck havoc on the local chinese buffets…..


12-Jimmie Johnson

Double J won the NASCAR Race 500 in Miami yesterday-which apparently clinched the Season Championship for the 4th straight time. That’s allegedly some sort of record. You know what else was a record? Number of boyfriends/husbands who left the room the moment Adam Lambert appeared on their TV last night……

13-John Cena and Undertaker

Were the big winner’s at last night’s WWE Survivor Series Pay-Per-View at the Verizon Center. Well, I guess we were ALL winners since Michelle McCool was involved…..


14-Valley Mansion

Look, Albert Einstein invented some TREMENDOUS things. But NONE of them were as great as the invention I found Saturday night at Valley Mansion-the machine that puts plastic wrap over the toilet……..


In fact, If I had to name the greatest inventions of all time, they’d probably be…..

1-Sliced Bread
3-Machine that puts plastic wrap over toilet

And for the record, if you and I were Facebook friends, you would have been able to read my HILARIOUS status update from Valley Mansion Saturday night; where I pointed out that I was in a room where there were more million dollar chandeliers than people who weren’t white.

15-Bruce Springsteen and Dave Matthews Band

Apparently the Boss’s show Friday night at 1st Mariner Arena was the greatest show in the history of the Arena. I kinda find that hard to believe; considering “Star Wars in Concert” was JUST there, and I’m reasonably certain Miley Cyrus has played there before.

Also, if you didn’t watch Saturday Night Live this week, you missed a solid performance of “You And Me”…..

and this REALLY funny take on Ozzy Osbourne…..

You got lucky…….

1-Bobby Bowden and Houston Nutt

Either Les Miles is a liar, or he’s an a-hole. This clip makes it look like he’s both….

And when Mickey Andrews walked out to the field to see what Florida State was wearing for his final game, he should have turned around and said “I think I’ll pass…..”


2-Tony Romo

You mean to tell me you played the REDSKINS and the BEST you could do was 7-6?!?!?!

With Clinton Portis out and Ladell Betts hurt, I’m pretty sure I saw THIS guy playing RB for the Skins…..

3-Nate Robinson

You know what, in a game between the Knicks and Nets; does it really even matter???

4-Gilbert Arenas

Might actually be more insane than the guy who decided Ed Reed was a good choice to return the most important punt of a game.

At least everything’s going well for him at home! Oh wait……


5-Taylor Swift

ARTIST OF THE YEAR?!?!?! Christ, did Taylor Hicks not do anything this year?!?!

Seriously, not that the American Music Awards are a joke or anything, but Taylor Swift was about as deserving to win Artist of the Year as a dead artist who released no new music this year. Wait a second…..

And finally, Taylor Swift is NOT hot. If one more heterosexual man says that to me, I will punch them. Taylor Swift is NO hotter than “The Luckiest Dang Gal on the Face of the Planet.”

Carrie Underwood is HOT. Let’s compare. Swift….



I thought we could tell the difference.

6-You…..if you don’t root for Oklahoma

And if you don’t, you’re a good person. Seriously, what ended faster: Oklahoma’s football season or my chance at dating Miranda Kerr.


I have a friend who graduated from Oklahoma. After the loss to VCU, I sent her a text. I didn’t even realize the football team had lost to Texas Tech. I don’t care. I have no soul. HAHAHAHAHA!

(Editor’s note: She never did text me back, but I’m kinda used to that with girls….)

7-Sheila Dixon

Got to spend a weekend out and about while a jury deliberates her fate. Which is nice. That being said, she better be happy this guy missed a 30 yarder; or else he might have just been inaugurated as mayor at midfield……


(Thanks to The Sun for the pic.)

You’re a zero……

Rich Rodriguez and Charlie Weis

How funny is it that Lloyd Carr was run out of town for not being able to beat Ohio State; yet R-Rod came to Ann Arbor and he can’t beat ANYONE????

And If I were Charlie Weis, I might be a LITTLE concerned that at halftime of next Saturday’s game; the Notre Dame administation may just go ahead and try to hire Jim Harbaugh.

Somewhere right now, THIS GUY is smiling…..


Flexing my muscles since 1983…..