15-7-0

December 01, 2009 | Glenn Clark

No Ravens-we save them for Tuesday and the “Tuesday Top 7.” Also, considering most human beings EVERYWHERE started their weekend on Thanksgiving; we’ll start there for our qualifications to make the list. And while I realize I’ve somehow managed to stretch a 4 day weekend into 5 days due to my tardiness-deal with it. It’s my list.

You deserve props…..

1-Aaron Rodgers, Brett Favre, Chris Redman and Alex Smith

Do you think it might chap Aaron Rodgers’ ass a bit that every time he does something awesome, ol’ Brett comes along and does something even a bit better?

It sorta reminds me of my childhood friend Scott Meredith…..

meredith

(Edit from GMC: This is NOT a picture of Scott Meredith. Well, apparently it’s a picture of SOMEONE whose name is Scott Meredith, but I only know that because I Google image searched “Scott Meredith”. I guess it is possible that the person pictured above IS my friend Scott Meredith, but I would think I would know Scott Meredith if I saw Scott Meredith. Hey! There’s a squirrel over there……)

Ol’ Scott Meredith loved to one up me growing up. He was a year older, but we were in the same grade.

I remember getting a double in the 6th inning to tie a Little League game; and Scott Meredith of course hit the walk-off homer to steal all of the attention.

I once got 3rd place in a science fair, only to find out that the winner was Scott Meredith-and he actually discovered something that our teachers thought was a new addition to the periodic table of elements. (Turned out later it was just lard.)

I thought I was the COOLEST person alive when I figured out how to play “Basket Case” by Green Day on my clarinet in 6th grade after months of practice……that is until Scott Meredith wandered into the band room, picked up a sax for the first time and NAILED “Peaches” by the Presidents of the United States of America.

And in 7th grade when I had my first REAL kiss from a gal named Rachael who I called my “girlfriend” but I’m pretty sure I never went on a single actual “date” with, I couldn’t wait to tell all of my friends. That is until Scott Meredith came in the next day and introduced us to his wife Molly and twin sons Dave and Donny.

Son of a bitch.

2-Colt McCoy, Tony Pike, Noel Devine, Tim Tebow, Ryan Broyles, Toby Gerhart and Ryan Williams

Look, Colt McCoy and Tim Tebow would be #1 and #2 on my list-and it probably wouldn’t be close-but I’m having to accept the fact that Stanford RB Toby Gerhart is a LEGITIMATE Heisman Trophy candidate-especially after his performance in the Cardinal’s big win over Notre Dame Saturday night. Why is this stunning? Mostly because Gerhart is WHITE-which finally gives us an answer to the question “Are there any good white Running Backs anymore?” Sadly, it doesn’t change the fact that we still can’t dance…..

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dj4lgrpNMRw[/youtube]

3-Da’Sean Butler, Chris Singleton and Jon Scheyer

I actually break out in hives whenever I say something nice about anyone from Duke. Except of course when I say “Duke has very nice average looking women”……

duke

4-Knowshon Moreno, Larry Johnson and Justin Forsett

I thought the NFL Network might actually give us a decent game by adding Giants/Broncos, I WAS WRONG. Thanksgiving football just SUCKED this year. In fact, Thanksgiving games were so bad this year they might as well have just let this team play……

orioles

5-Zac MacMath and Lori Bjork

Congratulations to the Maryland soccer team for reaching the Elite 8 of the NCAA Tournament, and to the Terrapins Womens’ Hoops team for beating Drexel. Is that done? Can I move on? Okay thanks. Who wants to see what former Tennessee women’s basketball star Brittany Jackson looks like these days????

brittany

Thank God, I really didn’t have any other material prepared.

6-Alex Lachman

Has a name that rhymes with Ray Bachman. Who apparently got to hang out with Jack Black recently…..

td

In all seriousness though-congratulations to Johns Hopkins. At least until lacrosse season. Then I hope you lose 40-0 to the Terps.

7-Miles Austin, Terrell Owens and Antonio Gates

With the Ravens having no wide receivers under contract after this season, I thought I would poke around to see what wide receivers might be available in the offseason-and wouldn’t you know it, both Austin (6’3″), and T.O. (6’3″) are available. Who else? Try Vincent Jackson, Brandon Marshall, Braylon Edwards, Antonio Bryant, Malcolm Floyd and this guy…….

devard

I’m just kidding about the last one. Devard is actually under contract for 3 years. No, really.

8-Eric Fehr

The NHL is happening. And wouldn’t you know, Elisha Cuthbert dates Dion Phaneuf from the Calgary Flames. AND, she just celebrated her 27th birthday! And, this is WAY more interesting than me actually talking about the Capitals!

cuthbert

(Edit from GMC: Attention Sean Avery: there will be many more hockey players who fight for your “sloppy seconds.”)

9-Roy Williams and Tom Izzo

Both reached milestones over the weekend. Sadly for them, Izzo didn’t reach the milestone of “Beating Florida Saturday night” and Williams didn’t reach the milestone of “not looking like Huckleberry Hound.”

I was thinking about what would happen if Roy Williams were to consider running for governor of the state of North Carolina. For god’s sake, who would beat him? I mean, other than this guy…..

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iy-LQH8N6Ug[/youtube]

10-Clint Session and Darrelle Revis

Apparently Jets gameday host (Does she still have that job?) Jenn Sterger has decided to remove her boobs. I think I speak on behalf of God himself when I ask, “Why?”

terger

That being said, I’d like to throw in another plug for our friend “ay52″, who did something recently. Something about a new purse, maybe?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Zs05BQoJCg[/youtube]

11-Emmanuel Gbor, Epe Henriques and Zack Zwinak

My roommate (“The Luckiest Dang Roommate on the Face of the Planet”)’s nephew plays for Eastern Tech, so I’ll be rooting for them this weekend-despite their close proximity to my beloved Perry Hall Gators. I’ll also be rooting for the Joppatowne Mariners, mostly because Mariner Point Park in Joppatowne was….ahem….”where I became a man.”

(Editor’s note: By “where I became a man”, I actually mean “I TOTALLY shut out my dad in a game of bocce.” What did you think I meant?)

12-Chad Ochocinco and Grady Sizemore

The most awkward moment of my life happened when I was living in Phoenix. I was sitting at dinner with some friends, and wanted to show everyone an awesome picture I had taken from the sidelines of the Arizona State-Cal game that night with a friend who was seated in the wheelchair section and had awesomely painted his face to celebrate his love of the Sun Devils. A friend’s girlfriend (we’ll call her “Delilah”) was seated next to me, and was laughing at the picture. Suddenly, she took it upon herself to flip to the next picture in the phone. Not good.

“Is that your thumb?”

No, it wasn’t my thumb. And I wasn’t a hundred percent certain how the body parts could be confused-but maybe that was a bad sign for me.

Thankfully I’m not a famous athlete, or that cell phone picture may have been headed straight to Deadspin. Grady Sizemore found that out; and women worldwide are suddenly thinking about becoming Indians fans….

grady

(Edit from GMC: That was BY FAR AND AWAY the most SFW photo in the bunch. Props to Sizemore for his use of a mug in another pic. Also, I hope the chick was worth it.)

And another thing, Chad Ochocinco in a Snuggie is awesome to me for some reason; even if I don’t know why……

ocho

13-Graham Gano and Damon Duval

Congratulations (I guess?) to the Las Vegas Locomotives (“Locos” for short, I believe) for winning the UFL Championship, and to the Montreal Alouettes for winning the CFL’s Grey Cup. A lot of people will think it’s ironic that Gano made the kick to win a title after he was cut in Baltimore in favor of Steve Hauschka; but I’m just happy for Gano; who’s a really good guy.

I also found it a bit strange to find out; but apparently THIS is the prize that goes to all of the players who are on the winning team in the Grey Cup…..

pie

(Editor’s note: Yes that IS a maple syrup pie. No I DON’T want to know what it tastes like.)

14-“I Want You Back” by Jackson 5

I wandered into Federal Hill Saturday night to spend the night at Charm City’s finest music venue-the 8×10 Club. (Edit from GMC: No offense to Rams Head Live-which is the finest mainstream music venue in Charm City.) I took in my friends Jimmie’s Chicken Shack and an OUTSTANDING young band called Brian Stewart & The Tell-Tale Hearts. Both were really, REALLY good. But there was another guy who went on stage first (and I WISH I could tell you the guy’s name-because he was really good too); who dialed up a REALLY cool version of the song. It just made me think “Why isn’t this song celebrated the way it should be?”…..

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vt9TUy0_GiM[/youtube]

I was also directed to this-KT Tunstall’s version of the tune. Not too bad either……

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xANiW9yWvGE[/youtube]

You know, maybe every band should just come up with a version of this song.

15-Thanksgiving Sandwiches

sammich

Yes, that IS leftover turkey and mashed potatoes with barbeque sauce on wheat bread. When you do it yourself tomorrow, thank me.

You got lucky…….

1-David Akers and Vince Young

Vince Young’s drive to beat the Cardinals was something to behold. But relax Arizona, you still have plenty going for you……

su

2-Tiger Woods

Look, did Eldrick sleep with this Rachel Uchitel chick? Who knows…

uchitel

Did he crash his car because he was drunk? Who knows.
Did he suffer injuries to his face because he was beat up by his wife? Who knows.
Is “Kobe Special” the coolest new term to have entered the English vocabulary? Hell yes.

3-Mike London and Brian Billick

I couldn’t be happier for all of the awesome success Virginia and Notre Dame are currently having with their respective programs. Just two excellent programs who deserve ALL of the success they have found. May I make a suggestion for the next head coach?

chuck

4-Nikolay Davydenko

Nikolay Davydenko won the ATP Tour Finals in London. Nicolette Sheridan is like 46 and somehow still smoking hot….

sheridan

5-1988-89 Miami Heat and 1999-2000 Los Angeles Clippers

I was trying to think of some words to describe just how terrible the New Jersey Nets have been this season; so I decided to reach out to Thesaurus.com. Here are some options…..

abhorrent
appalling
atrocious
awful
beastly
dire
disastrous
disturbing
dreadful
extreme
frightful
ghastly
gruesome
harrowing
hideous
horrendous
horrid
horrifying
loathsome
monstrous
odious
offensive
petrifying
poor
repulsive
revolting
rotten
severe
shocking
unfortunate
unnerving
unpleasant
unwelcome
vile

Any of those work for you? If not, there was one more word, but it read SO extreme I’m not sure even the Nets can qualify…..

“Angelosian”

6-Stephen A. Smith

Is DESPERATE for Allen Iverson to extend this whole “retirement” thing somehow. And I mean “DESPERATE.” Otherwise, his existence is basically built around this at this point…..

cheesesteak

You know, that actually doesn’t seem that bad-other than having to live in Philadelphia…..

7-Those of you-like me-who did NOT have to attend a high school reunion this weekend

But when the Class of 2001 gets together in 24 months, I will ABSOLUTELY try to find Tina Montalvo and dance to THIS song…..

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54yIMKjG048[/youtube]

Most significant musical contribution of my generation.

You’re a zero…….

Anyone who doesn’t vote for Art Modell or Roberto Alomar to make the Hall of Fame this year

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=px7o45QbO3s[/youtube]

And if you don’t think either of these men belong IN, I will personally fight you.

Flexing my mic muscles since 1983…..

-G

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