Top 10 Baseball Distractions

May 11, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Honorable Mention: Valero Texas Open (Thursday & Friday 3pm Golf Channel, Saturday & Sunday 3pm CBS), “Tysonand “Sugar” open in Baltimore theaters (Friday), NBA Playoffs (Tuesday, Thursday for sure; probably some more depending on whether or not Kobe Bryant can close out a team that has so many injuries they might let me suit up), Indy 500 “Bump Day” (Sunday noon VERSUS), Crystal Palace USA vs. Western Mass, Charlotte (Friday, Saturday 7:30pm UMBC)

10. Kobe Doin’ Work (Saturday 7:30pm ESPN) and “4th and Long with Michael Irvin” (Monday 10pm Spike TV) premiere

I hear the Michael Irvin show will involve “The Playmaker” teaching young men about how to become NFL Football players. In fact, I was able to find the titles of the various episodes leaked on Spike TV’s website……

Episode 1: “If they ask you to pay up front, they’re a cop”
Episode 2: “No matter how exciting it sounds, do not buy something called ‘Dirty Snow’”
Episode 3: “If you’re in trouble, say ‘Mr. Officer, my name is Alvin Harper, and I play for the Cowboys’”
Episode 4: “If I had come from a better background, things would have been different”

9. ATP Masters Series Spain (Final Sunday 10am-Live on Tennis Channel)

America’s two “best” players are Andy Roddick and James Blake. They have combined for a 3-10 record, which is known as the unofficial tuneup for the French Open; which begins in two weeks. But when Roddick loses, he goes home to this…..

arod

All is forgiven there, A-Rod.

8. Weekend Fights: ShoMMA: Billy Evangelista vs. Mike Aina (Friday 11pm Fresno, CA-Live on Showtime), ShoBox: Andre Ward vs. Edison Miranda (Saturday 9pm Oakland, CA-Live on Showtime), Friday Night Fights: Kevin Johnson vs. Devin Vargas (Friday 9pm Atlantic City-Live on ESPN2)

We can sit here and talk about these fights that I’m reasonably certain even Bert Sugar doesn’t care about, or we can watch more of Mike Tyson singning “In The Air Tonight.” Your call.

I thought you might agree…..

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dh-XrDNCrL0[/youtube]

7. NASCAR All-Star Race (Saturday 7pm Lowe’s Motor Speedway-Live on SPEED)

I know it was embarrassing that Jeffrey Hammonds was once selected an All-Star, but Brad Keselowski? I don’t even think his parents have heard of him. Also, if they don’t include a Skoal tin stacking contest as part of All-Star Friday night, there’s no chance I’m watching.

6. Bruce Springsteen (Monday 7:30pm Verizon Center)

Is there any chance Drew Forrester WON’T look like John Clark (from NBC 10 in Philadephia) at Monday’s show??

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJWHddNQbI8[/youtube]

5. NCAA Division 3 Lacrosse Tournament Quarterfinal: Stevenson vs. Salisbury (Wednesday 4pm Caves Athletic Complex)

For the first time in like……ever……there is a sporting event going on in Owings Mills that is more important than anything happening at 1 Winning Drive. Unless of course the Ravens were to trade for Anquan Boldin Wednesday. If that happens, Ozzie Newsome has my permission to drive his car into the middle of the Caves Field, declare “Screw lacrosse, we just got Anquan”, and then throw up two middle fingers in the air in celebration. But something tells me that might not happen. Instead, enjoy the lacrosse game kids.

4. Charlotte UltraSwim (Thursday-Sunday, Live on Universal Sports and SwimNetwork.com)

It’s a big week for Michael Phelps and Katie Hoff; as Hoff gets her first chance to show off her improvement since switching to Coach Bob Bowman. Phelps gets the chance to work his new routine, which includes shorter races. It should be a really compelling weekend for swimming fans; and I look forward to seeing how Baltimore’s finest can shine.

Haha, I know none of you care about swimming. So let me talk about the REALLY important stuff. First, is Katie Hoff hot? For the life of me, I can’t possibly figure that out. She looks pretty decent when she’s dolled up; kinda like Pink. I’ll let you be the judge…

hoff

Mike is likely only showing up in the Tar Heel state because someone confused him into thinking he was going to a Snoop Dogg show, but if he’s lucky he’ll stumble into one of Charlotte’s finer establishments…..

phelps

And you thought I was above making pot and stripper jokes about Michael Phelps. You don’t know me at all….

3. Caps-Penguins Game 7 (Wednesday 7pm Verizon Center-Live on Comcast SportsNet)

I don’t much care about the Capitals, so I’m not growing a playoff beard. (I couldn’t grow a damn beard anyway). But if I WERE growing a playoff beard, I’d probably be pretty pissed that they keep going to a 7th game in every series. That being said; the Penguins aren’t forcing Sidney Crosby to try to grow a beard again this year, are they?

sid

2. NCAA Lacrosse Tournament Quarterfinals: Princeton vs. Cornell, Maryland vs. Syracuse (Saturday noon & 2pm Long Island); Johns Hopkins vs. Virginia, North Carolina vs. Duke (Sunday noon & 2pm Naval Marine Corps Stadium), all games live on ESPNU

There is a very strong likelihood that no local teams will survive the weekend and advance to the Final Four. I could mope and complain about that, or I can thank my lucky stars that I won’t have to travel to Foxborough and run the risk of EVER bumping into this girl….

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJ7hVCJq7c4[/youtube]

If you don’t think Boston is the worst place of all time, you’re not my friend.

1. Preakness (Saturday 6pm Pimlico-Live on NBC) & Preakness Week Activities (Throughout Baltimore, various times, locations, channels)

When someone told me they were gonna run a girl in the horse race, I thought for sure Sarah Jessica Parker didn’t need the work……

sjp

Of course, how am I supposed to care about this when I am going to be too busy stalking Stacy Kiebler with ZZ Top’s “Legs” playing in the background????

legs

It should be a fun week though; with concerts, hot air balloons, gambling, urinal racing, and who knows what else going on. And for those of you that don’t know how to mix a Black Eyed Susan, here’s the recipe….

Ingredients:

1oz Vodka
1oz Mount Gay Eclipse Rum
1/2 oz Cointreau
6 oz Orange Juice
3 oz Pineapple Juice

Combine ingredients, stir, and pour over crushed ice. Garnish with a pineapple, orange slice, and cherry brochette.

That recipe said it made two drinks. Which should take care of me right up until breakfast Friday morning.

-G

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