An explanation from David Ortiz (this should be good…)

August 07, 2009 | Drew Forrester

So, Red Sox steroid user David Ortiz is going to offer his explanation on Saturday.  He’s taken a couple of weeks to research just how it came to pass that his name is on “the list” of those who tested positive back in 2003. 

And he’ll reveal how it all happened when he speaks on Saturday.

Why Saturday? 

That’s easy.  There’s no USA Today on Saturday.  The media industry half-shuts-down on Friday at 5pm and they don’t re-open until Monday morning.  Newspapers offer “weekend editions”, many of which are printed on Thursday or Friday with only a sprinkling of updated news on the front page or two.

If Ortiz offered his explanation on a Thursday night in New York, it would be the ONLY sports story all day Friday.

He’s a steroid user, but apparently a good listener.  Someone from the Red Sox said, “David, just wait until Saturday to offer your explanation and you’ll get hammered a lot less.”

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to hear what he says on Saturday.  This should be good.

Here’s what you MIGHT hear:  “I’ve never used steroids in my life, so I’m still at a loss to explain how this positive test came up.  However, I am not going to just give up trying to figure out how my name showed up on that list.  I’ve employed several different people to do the research necessary to find out what happened.”

Here’s what you WON’T hear:  “In 2003, I used performance enhancing drugs and during a sampling of major league baseball players, I tested positive.  Like a lot of players during that time, I fell victim to wanting to take the easy way out, so I used steroids even though I knew it was wrong to do so.  I apologize for my actions.”

Here’s what you MIGHT hear:  “In the early part of the decade, I was following the Dick Gregory Bahamian Diet and, evidently, several ingredients of Dick’s Banana shake included substances that were on the banned list.”

Here’s what you WON’T hear:   ”In 2003, I used performance enhancing drugs and during a sampling of major league baseball players, I tested positive.  Like a lot of players during that time, I fell victim to wanting to take the easy way out, so I used steroids even though I knew it was wrong to do so.  I apologize for my actions.”

Here’s what you MIGHT hear:  “We had a bunch of wild, crazy guys in that locker room back in 2003 and one of the tricks they’d play on the road would be to come into your hotel room while you were napping and stick you in the rear with a needle and then run out of the room real quick.  You would feel a sharp pain in your butt and you’d wake up and scream, “What the hell just happened in here??” but there wouldn’t be anyone in the room.  I assume one of the needles I got stuck with had some performance enhancing drugs on it.”

Here’s what you WON’T hear:  ”In 2003, I used performance enhancing drugs and during a sampling of major league baseball players, I tested positive.  Like a lot of players during that time, I fell victim to wanting to take the easy way out, so I used steroids even though I knew it was wrong to do so.  I apologize for my actions.”

Here’s what you MIGHT hear:  “I go back to the Dominican every year during the off-season and back home there’s a popular bubble gum that we all used to chew as kids — and I still chew it today — and my research people have discovered one of the ingredients in that gum is on the banned substance list, so we’ve come to the determination that I tested positive based in part on the bubble gum I chew.”

You definitely won’t hear Ortiz ‘fess up tomorrow and take full blame for testing positive.  The Player’s Union has advised him, I’m sure, to not fully admit to using steroids.  That would be a horrible move for Ortiz, the players, and baseball itself.

Of course, there’s a very high possibility that David Ortiz used steroids. 

But he can’t say that.

And, I think, he WON’T say that tomorrow.

But whatever he says, it should be entertaining.

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