An open letter to Joe Girardi…

June 19, 2007 | Drew Forrester

Will someone please try and forward this to Joe Girardi before it’s too late?  Thanks in advance –

Dear Joe:

Rumors are flying around Baltimore that the Birds front office brass (not sure which of the Camden Trio are hunting you down, but expect a call any minute) is in the process of preparing you an offer sheet to manage the Baltimore Orioles.  Andy MacPhail, a guy you know from your days in Chicago, is evidently now sort-of-in-charge of something related to baseball and he may – or not – be in position of authority to hire you in the next day or two.  If the Orioles call you, here’s one sentence of great advice:

Joe – find your absolute best pair of sneakers and RUN!

Some people in the media are speculating that you might actually be interested in this gig in Baltimore.

Pardon me for being blunt…but have you lost all of your marbles, Joe?

I checked and according to their Joe Girardi page (see for yourself by clicking here), you made over $21 million PLAYING baseball from 1989 through 2003.  Throw in another $5 million or so you’ve made since ’03, either as a Manager or a broadcaster, and I’m guessing you’ve made somewhere close to $30 million in your baseball career.

So come clean, bro…do you have a gambling problem or something?  Have you spent all your money with Torre at the track?  The worst kept secret in Baltimore is that Joe and some of his “boys” are frequent Pimlico visitors when the Yankees are in town.  Did you get on a bad streak and drop a bunch of cash on someone’s claiming horse at Gulfstream a few years back?

If the answer to those questions are “NO”, then tell me, Joe, why on earth would you take this job in Baltimore?  Why?  If you need money, I guess I can understand.  As Gilbert Arenas has said a lot in the midst of his $65 million contract, “A man has to feed his family.”

But if you still have a large portion of that $25-$30 million you earned in baseball, you’d have to be a complete whack job to even entertain the thought of taking this O’s position.

I don’t know Andy MacPhail from Andy Dufresne on The Shawshank Redemption.  MacPhail might be a nice guy.  You might have a good relationship with him.  He might even be a good joke teller.

But listen to me, Joe, and listen clearly.  If he mutters this next sentence I’m about to write, you must immediately hang up the phone and get your cell number changed, because if Andy MacPhail tells you what I think he’s going to tell you, you’re destined for failure like the rest of the guys before you.  Ready…if MacPhail says this:

“Joe, I know you’ve probably heard this is a crazy situation in Baltimore, what with a meddling owner and all, but I’m telling you, I can work with this guy Angelos.  Things are going to be different now that I’m in charge.”

RUN, RUN, RUN.  Do Not Pass Go.  Do Not Collect $2 million dollars.  RUN, RUN, RUN.

No one – not Andy MacPhail, Andy Warhol or Andy Griffith can fix this thing in Baltimore.  Well, OK, maybe Andy Griffith could, but now that Don Knotts is dead, Andy doesn’t have a deputy and we know how the guy owning the team in Baltimore loves a 1-2 combination at the top.

So trust me on this one, Joe.  It can’t be fixed.  Not for a long time, anyway.  Certain “things” need to transpire, and, well, let’s just say – as Elton John sang in Rocket Man – “I think it’s gonna be a long, long time…” before it gets better at Camden Yards.

Don’t do it Joe.  If your cell phone rings and you see a call from a 410 or 443 area code, you MUST NOT take the call.

Unless you’re broke.

Otherwise, there’s not enough money in the world to subject yourself to what you’re in store for here in Baltimore.

If you do lose your mind for a minute and agree to manage this outfit, you’ll absolutely regret it.

But we’ll all have fun following you AND your brief stay here.

At least until football season starts.