15-7-0

July 20, 2009 | Glenn Clark

You get props…..

1-Jim Thome, Jeremy Guthrie and Gregg Zaun

“Sliced bread is actually the best thing since Gregg Zuan.”

OH, LOL! Relax Baltimore; we’ve been waiting for our power-hitting catcher! He’s just a few years older than what we expected.

And by a few years, I mean 64.

But he did have 4 more RBI than Matt Wieters Sunday. He should probably be the permanent catcher for Jeremy Guthrie; who, for a day at least, resembled a pitcher again.

I resembled a pitcher once. Unfortunately it was this pitcher……

colon

(I like to call him “The Dominican Bachman” myself)

2-Troy Aikman, Lou Holtz, John Cooper, Thurman Thomas, Jay Novacek, Jim Donnan, Randall McDaniel, and Roger Brown

John Cooper’s special day wasn’t quite the same after he realized Lloyd Carr had beat him to the induction ceremony.

It was strange to hear Lou Holtz open his speech by saying “I’m happy to be here and all, but I just don’t know if I’m good enough. I really have no idea how I can compete with a fella like Jim Donnan. He’s just so good. We’re lucky to be here. I don’t think we have a chance of winning.”

Troy Aikman and Jay Novacek said they were thankful to have the chance to remember their life before their pro careers. They only wished their teammate Michael Irvin was capable of doing the same thing.

All of these one-liners are just part of the new “Glenn Clark’s corny one-liner” Comedy Class which will be available this semester at the Community College of Baltimore County. It isn’t actually a credited class; just an excuse for me to try to surround myself by pretty girls with low standards.

3-Bo Van Pelt and Rick Rhoden

Bo Van Pelt won the golf tournament this weekend that you were allowed to play in if you weren’t good enough to play in the other actually important golf tournament. You know-the one that was nearly won by a guy who retired 15 years ago.

Does Bo Van Pelt really get a trophy for that accomplishment? REALLY?

The event Rhoden won was called the “I don’t watch golf when the talented players play; why in the hell would I watch when the guys who aren’t talented play?” Open. It’s some sort of celebrity event; which still confuses me as to why Rhoden is there.

But thanks to Deadspin for this screen shot of Michael Jordan and an inflatable penis. You didn’t read that wrong; it’s just Michael Jordan and an inflatable penis. Which reminds me of the average Thursday at my grandparents’ house.

jordan

4-Brandon Snyder, Wally Crancer, Nathan Moreau, Patrick Kantakevich, and Matt Hobgood

Thus far in his pro career, Matt Hobgood has given up one run on hits over 1 inning; and has committed one error.

I was going to make a crack here about how he was already better than Rich Hill; but I’m a little concerned about Rich Hill’s self confidence. Look at the poor kid…..

hill
I’d say he could drown his sorrows with 3-400 beers; but he can’t legally drink for another 5 years.

(Editor’s note: Please tell me his baseball card doesn’t look like one of those cards you had in Little League. Hilarious!)

5-Robin Soderling

Won a tennis tournament this weekend. You’d probably care more, but you thought Robin Soderling did the song “Show Me Love” in 1993.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anxalMu9zoM[/youtube]

6-Alberto Contador

Seriously, why the hell does EVERYONE IN THE WORLD have a better name than I do? Helio Castroneves? Dario Franchitti? Steele Stanwick? ALBERTO FREAKING CONTADOR????????

Clearly their parents loved me more than my parents loved me. Which I’m just going to have to live with.

Lance Armstrong apparently won’t be winning the Tour De France. Which only means that the Tour de France’s ratings will again be a 2 instead of a 5.

(Editor’s note: Those ratings points aren’t in millions.)

7-John Lackey, J.A. Happ, Jason Marquis, Dan Haren, Clayton Kershaw, Roy Oswalt, and Bronson Arroyo

You know what. I take it all back. J.A. Happ’s name is actually Jay Happ. HAHA! Someone’s parents loved them less than my parents loved me!!!!!!!

(Editor’s note: My parents really do love me. With that in mind, can I borrow like $100? And by “borrow”, I mean “spend on beer and never pay you back.”)

arroyo

That’s a picture of Bronson Arroyo and a person who I assume must be a close family friend.

Don’t get too suicidal just yet. I mean, if you heard this, you’d sleep with him too….

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjhrMWhB6Uo[/youtube]

8-Michael Phelps

God is this a stretch. I’m honoring Michael Phelps for winning more ESPY awards than anyone else; and the ESPY awards were actually taped on Wednesday; then aired on Sunday.

Of course, this gave me the perfect opportunity to find out what else was on TV Sunday night; because I’d rather have a giant wart on my foot than watch the ESPY’s.

(Editor’s note: the last line was probably only funny to my friend Julie; who recently had a wart removed from her foot. She’d be really embarrassed if she ever knew I wrote this publicly, but she’s a pretty girl; so there’s no chance she’ll ever read it. Yeah, pretty girls ignore me. It’s like high school all over again.)

Back to the point; as I Facebooked Sunday night (and if you’re not my Facebook friend, your life isn’t quite as meaningful), having the ESPY’s as the only sports viewing option Sunday night; I decided to give Brooke Knows Best a shot.

hogan

Who am I kidding? I watch every week.

9-Nik Caner-Medley

This is going to come as a surprise to you; but I had no idea Nik Caner-Medley was playing for the LA Clippers’ Summer League team. No, I’m serious. I stopped stalking him 7 months ago.

After hitting a pull-up jumper over Wizards guard Nick Young, Caner-Medley laughed and said “I’m from Maryland. Nobody can beat me.”

GOD IT NEVER GETS OLD!!!!!!

10-Garrett Jones, Albert Pujols, and Alfonso Soriano

In other baseball news; Orlando Hudson will reportedly end up collecting more than double his salary thanks to an incentive-laden contract. No word on whether the Orioles can seek an incentive-laden refund from Felix Pie.

11-The Blackberry Commercial with U2 doing “I’ll Go Crazy If I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight”

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caQYB7eKaCg[/youtube]

Never before have I wanted to buy a Blackberry, spend 100 dollars to see a band from the upper deck of a football stadium; AND somehow try to change my life to make myself a better person. You want the definition of effective advertising? Holy crap.

12-Kyle Busch and NASCAR

With newspapers no longer being able to afford to send motorsports writers across the country to watch grown men drive cars; NASCAR has figured out another way to fill their press boxes, and it is absolutely a smart idea. Bloggers can now apply for credentials to NASCAR races. Well, bloggers NASCAR approves of anyway. Which truly does go to show that anyone can have a voice in the era of new media. Even if their thoughts are WAY off base. Sorta like this noted NASCAR follower…..

rex

13-D2: The Mighty Ducks

Look, my TV was just as confused as you’d imagine when I flipped to the Hallmark Channel Saturday morning. My TV actually said to me “Dude, you don’t even let your girlfriend watch this channel.”

But if you don’t think this is the most inspiring scene in the history of movies, kindly leave.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyVF1glhAfk[/youtube]

I wish I could explain this further, but this scene lead to my best friend (noted musician John Chambers of “The Waywords”; whose new record is available on iTunes and I’ll charge him for that plug later) nearly having to go to the hospital before Artscape Saturday. Use your imagination.

14-Smoothie King’s “Caribbean Way”

smoothie

Are they a sponsor? Who cares. They’re AMAZING. This is what God intended for us to drink. (He intended for us to eat Chick-Fil-A chicken sandwiches if you’re asking.)

15-Robert Randolph

HOLY CRAP WHAT WAS THIS??????

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkDH1wON7UU[/youtube]

I think I just got pregnant.

I can only pray that anyone who attended Artscape Saturday night realized just what it was they were witnessing. July 18, 2009 will forever be remembered as the day that one man saved the city of Baltimore.

One of our former interns had to leave right after Robert’s 2nd song. My girlfriend (You know her-”The Luckiest Dang Gal on the Face of the Planet”) looked at me and said “Where is she going?” I looked back and said “I don’t know. But I know this much. It’s not as good as here.”

Did anyone notice the sharp-looking Joe Flacco jersey Robert’s bassist-Danyel-was sporting? I wonder where that came from…..

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmazjnzllJA[/youtube]

Oh right. You’re welcome Baltimore.

You got lucky……..

1-Kenny Cooper Jr. and Nicci Wright

Holy crap we almost lost to Panama???? Why the hell are all of our good players playing for money right now???? Poor Bob Bradley had to let Jason Berken play!!!!!

In news completely unrelated to soccer; hearing the name Nicci Wright (the Washington women’s team’s coach who pitched a shutout when pressed into action as a goalkeeper) reminded me that adult film actress Nikki Benz is attractive…..

benz

She pitched a shutout once too. Yeah, in my pants! High five!

2-Stewart Cink

This is really a shame. I was looking forward to seeing Tom Watson drink from the Claret Jug. Of course it would have been prune juice; but I bet it would have been a wild party nonetheless.

Congratulations to Stewart Cink for beating up an old man. I’d be more upset, but it’s golf. I legitimately picked Nick Faldo to win the damn thing the other day. Tom Watson winning wouldn’t have been an amazing accomplishment; this is the same sport that has crowned John Daly king on more than one occasion.

3-The guy standing outside Erin Andrews’ peephole………

…….for now.

andrews

Let’s admit two things here:

One-we all think whoever is responsible is a creep who deserves to suffer a lawsuit and/or prison time. He’s the lowest of low human beings; and completely disgusting.

Two-Not one of us can really admit to having not Googled “Erin Andrews peephole” at some point this weekend.

Look man, if it didn’t exist; I would have never searched. (Editor’s note: That’s probably not true. I probably would have searched at some point in my life even if I didn’t know it existed. There’s always a hope, right?)

Also, I don’t really get the fascination this country has with Erin Andrews. I mean, there are other hot chicks in the world of sports, aren’t there?

marks

Okay, maybe that wasn’t the best example.

4-Oscar Salazar

You mean to tell me that I don’t have to play for the Orioles anymore?

And I get to move here……?

sd

This is a joke, right? You’re all just having fun with old Oscar; aren’t you???

5-Maikon Bonani

Haven’t heard the story? The South Florida kicker fell 30 feet from an amusement park ride and is apparently okay.

I remember growing up I always felt like the people who were running the potentially dangerous thrill rides at my favorite amusement parks were probably expertly trained, highly paid, and easily the most responsible people in the world. If lives were in peril; they would be immediately available to step in and save the day.

But after a recent trip to a local amusement park (the one in Largo. It will remain nameless.), I have now become very aware that the ride operators are about as qualified for difficult situations as I am to talk about Sonya Sotomayor. Who I think will make a hell of a Secretary of State whenever the UN gets around to giving her the ol’ thumbs up.

(Editor’s Note: Please don’t tell me it is spelled “Sonia.” This was a bit. “Sonia” Sotomayor is going to be the next attorney general. I know that. I’m not stupid.)

(Editor’s 2nd Note: Does anyone else find it funny that I write these notes as the “editor” when I don’t actually do any editing? I usually just type out whatever nonsense comes to my mind at 1am and then I allow Intern Steven Patrick to tell me Monday morning that I spelled “figuratively” as “pineapple.” Look man, we all make mistakes.)

6-Anyone who got their news from Walter Cronkite

You had one of the great newsmen of all-time. We have Andy Rooney bitching about fruit.

[metacafe]http://www.metacafe.com/watch/cb-pXIzaMIWUQXMZ1WQCjdxuZ_DjqzCD1_l/rooney_eat_more_fruit/[/metacafe]

7-Nerds

Could you imagine a better weekend to come out of your parents’ basement? I mean, not only did Harry Potter come out and make something like 100 trillion dollars; but Baltimore became the world’s nerd hub for the weekend….

otakon

Thanks to Examiner.com for the picture of……..that. Otakon hit the Baltimore Convention Center, and from what I can tell; Otakon is basically just the same as your average downtown bar or club. Everyone there is just trying to get laid. The only difference is that most of the people at your average bar or club have actually gotten laid before.

You’re a zero……

(CORRECTED MONDAY AFTER MY POOR MISTAKE. MY APOLOGIES TO MICHAEL KAY, WHO I AM GUESSING PROBABLY DOES NOT READ THIS ANYWAY…..)

John Sterling

sterling

On Friday night, I heard something so vile I almost threw my beer across the room.

“Long fly ball……….that’s a Tex Message, to the 2nd deck. You’re on the mark, Teixeira!”

I want to drive to New York tomorrow to boo both of them. That’s worse than the “A-Bomb for A-Rod.”

Ugh.

-G

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