Dear Joe Flacco,

May 04, 2009 |

 I am terribly sorry that some clever Ravens fan out there has not taken the time to think of a really great nickname for you, and believe me after taking a team that should have won about five games to the AFC Championship you deserve one.  Maybe it isn’t that they have not taken the time, but rather maybe they are just in awe of your stellar performance.  They could be so flabbergasted that one of the Ravens’ first round quarterbacks might actually be able to play that they lost hold of the enormity of the situation.  Even yours truly had doubts about whether you could get the job done at the NFL level.  However you proved many of us wrong and flashed some brilliant laser throws along with an icy calm demeanor in the pocket. 

 

Your icy calm demeanor, hey maybe that is why people have tried to reuse Joe Montana’s nickname on you.  They think you play like Joe Montana, that has to be the reason, or else they want you to be Joe Montana.  I for one think there is a better quarterback that you could emulate, he wore number 19 and also played in Baltimore. 

Joe Cool, how unoriginal why not just reuse any old nickname for an athlete named Joe.  How about calling you Broadway Joe, or Shoeless Joe, or Gentleman Joe?  What about Mean Joe, or Joltin’ Joe, or Smokin’ Joe?  Dare I say Jellybean, the nickname of Joe Bryant, you know Kobe’s dad?  You see Joe none of these nicknames fit you because they are already taken, that is why we need to give you an original nickname.

I have heard some nicknames passed around such as Super Laser Rocket Arm, but I think Peyton Manning used that one in his 1,oooth commercial.  Of course I also heard probably the worst nickname of all time, Ugly Kid Joe, you know like that erstwhile 90’s rock band.  Geez I know you have that untidy unibrow, but to call you ugly, that seems harsh (you really should get that thing taken care of Joe).  Some people have even tried to use your last name as a play on words of different sorts, but that just won’t do.  Most star athletes that are household names have the nickname preceding their first name (see above) and therefore have name recognition.

So this is what I propose Joe, now hear me out because I think after I explain it you will really dig it.  MoJoe Flacco, yep there it is the best nickname for one Joe Flacco.  By the way that just happened, I know you are in shock by an original nickname but it gets better.  The name works on two different levels.  The first level is a play on the term mojo, because you Joe have that indescribable attribute that makes a great quarterback (at least you displayed it last year, but don’t get ready for Canton just yet you have some more work to do).

Now close your eyes and put on your best Baltimorean accent and say MoJoe Flacco.  That’s right, it sounds like you are saying more Joe, and that is what all Ravens fans want to see, more Joe Flacco.  We haven’t had a Pro Bowl quarterback since the forgettable years of Vinny Testaverde and you are our best hope for another one.  It is amazing how much better it is to watch Ravens games when we move the ball on offense and complete deep passes.  A lot of Ravens used to wait to use the bathroom until the Ravens were on offense, now we are on the edge of our seats hoping to see you work your MoJoe.

Thank you Joe Flacco for everything you have given us so far,

Neal Bortmes

P.S.  This is a repost of my very first post at wnst.net.  I wanted to repost it because I am not sure if people had a chance to read it and now that I made it to the second round I was hoping it would get more views.  This is a really good example of the work that I will do if I am selected to be the King of Baltimore Sports.

 

 

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