It’s that time of year again; it’s time to review the 2011 season. It felt like just yesterday I was threatening my neighbor with my lawn-mower because he said Cesar Izturis would hit 15 home runs while I said he would hit over 30. Oh, how wrong we were.
But two years of probation aside, it’s time for me to review the crazy 2011 Orioles season. Whew, where to begin, I know! I’ll begin in
Opening day for the Orioles was one to remember, with a stunning 13-0 decimation of the Rays the Orioles prove that the years of sad-sack esque failure are over… April Fools! Haha, oh what fun. No, of course that’s not what happened. The opener was like every other opening day, extremely forgettable, I think the Orioles won, but don’t hold me to it.
The Oriole’s home opener begins with a bang! Well, to be more realistic it was more of a pop. At least that’s how the fans in the 1st base field boxes described what they heard when Vladimir Guerrero blew out both his knees jogging to 1st base after being walked in the second inning. Many fans were left in total shock as the unimaginable happened; Vladimir Guerrero actually got a walk.
April, which Orioles fans have lovingly nicknamed “ContinuousDissapointment-ril” comes to a peculiar end. Down by 3, with the bases full, Red Sox slugging catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia faces Kevin Gregg. After half heartedly chipping a 0-2 changeup right to Cesar Izturis, a series of strange events involving a squirrel, a Richard Simmons imposter, and the spontaneous combustion of Luke Scott’s glove, allows for an amazing inside the park grand slam, proving once and for all that God does not, in fact, bleed orange.
While reading the Sunday paper in his favorite lazy-boy, coach Buck Showalter receives a call from his daughter announcing she was getting married, Buck celebrates the long awaited occasion by showing no cheerful facial expression whatsoever.
The Orioles finally make headlines! Unfortunately it’s not for reasons you would want. In a startling revelation it is discovered that owner Peter Angelos had been lying for years. Investigation reveals that Angelos was not in fact a billionaire lawyer/part time seal clubber like he claimed. It turns out Angleos was actually three bitter dwarves in a rubbery old man costume. Fans are alarmingly un-alarmed by the revelation.
The Orioles, now with a win-loss record that would make the Washington Generals blush, try to draw in more fans with a special promotion “Ravens Cheerleaders Mopless” where several Raven’s cheerleaders would shave their heads for cancer awareness. An unfortunate misspelling on the many of the billboards that were posted over the city led to the first ever all-male sellout crowd in Orioles history. Upon learning the truth many fans begin to riot, leading Baltimore police to casually blame the drastic increase in violence on “the weather.”
After yet another mispronunciation of his last name by a stadium announcer, Felix Pie finally snaps. As a way of proving to everyone how fed up he is, he decides to exhibit great potential in every way possible, and then play like a AAA journeyman.
July came and went, as many great Orioles fan celebrated the traditional Baltimore heat wave by over-heating and dying as they waited in line at Boog’s BBQ. On a completely unrelated note, since then many surviving fans have found themselves shaking with anticipation to have more of Boog’s newest dish; “Mystery Ribs.”
Angelos-Gate continues as a trial is scheduled for the three dwarfs found to be controlling the former Yellow Pages lawyer as a “Weekend at Bernie’s” style puppet. The defense is severely weakened when police find a notebook labeled “Plans to Destroy the Integrity of Every Major-Metropolitan City on the East Coast” in Angelos’s desk.
Brad Bergesen is chosen as the Orioles lone all-star despite being traded a month earlier. When asked why they made the controversial choice Major League Baseball was quoted as saying; “By being traded, Brad allowed the Orioles the opportunity to call Zach Britton up from the minors. This selfless act was by far the greatest contribution any player on the 25 man roster has made to the Orioles all season.”
On a rare beautiful and sunny Friday afternoon that Buck Showalter had off, Buck was drinking his favorite brand of beer, eating a delicious hot-dog, and playing with an adorable puppy when Buck suddenly realized he had achieved everything he wanted in life and had never been happier. Buck showed his joy by sneering and sighing.
The Orioles kept the courts busy during the 2011 season. A season that already couldn’t have been going worse somehow found a way to do just that; get worse. News broke that General Mills had taken the Oriole’s straight to Baltimore City Circuit Court for defamation over the use of the nickname O’s. Claiming that they “didn’t want their flagship product (Cheerio’s) associated in any way with the depressing sports organization the Baltimore Orioles.”
Nick Markakis wakes up one morning and realizes that no one makes a big deal about him anymore. Emotionally hurt; Markakis holds a press conference outside of the stadium. Unfortunately only an exasperated businessman waiting for the Light Rail attended the press conference where a tear-full Markakis first demanded a trade, after which he then quickly changed his mind and begged for forgiveness instead simply asking for a Markakis bobble-head night instead.
Angelos-Gate draws to a close as the Hon. Lawrence P. Fletcher-Hill dismisses the case against the three bitter dwarfs in the Peter Angelos costume, not for a lack of evidence, but for “a serious phobia of banging gavels to signify the end of a trial.” And so ends one of the sorest blights in Orioles history, but hey, look on the bright side, at least we’re not the Pirates. **Shudder**