A Redneck’s Wrestlemania Report …..

March 29, 2010 |

I’m assuming everyone enjoyed the weekend’s NCAA matchups. Who would’ve guessed Duke, Butler, Michigan State and West Virginia would be primed for a Final Four appearance? Obviously, nobody …..

Seeing the Mountaineers beat Kentucky was a welcomed event in the Snider household. My wife is from West Virginia, and my niece is a student, at Morgantown. Here’s to hoping they win the NCAA Championship.

The rest of my weekend was not very smooth. I’m tired of freakin’ rain. In fact, the downpours postponed Sunday’s NASCAR race, in Martinsville, Virginia. It was really rotten luck, to say the least.

So, what does a redneck do without his promised 500 laps of beatin’ and bangin’ …..

That’s right, I purchased Wrestlemania-26 !!!! It’s the first rasslin’ PAY PER VIEW in the Snider household, since 1998. Yep, after a decade of sensible sobriety, I’m back to being hooked on turnbuckles, suplexes and sleeper-holds.

And, I’ve got one guy to blame …..

RAY BACHMAN

I was “rassle-free” until we started the REX & RAY SHOW. In less than two months, I’ve gone from watching a couple minutes, per Monday, to spending $69 for 3+ hours of phony, but fun storylines. And, this Wrestlemania was no exception.

Enjoy my review …..

Match #1 – Tag Team Championship

Admittedly, I’m still not familiar with the names and roles of the entire roster of WWE stars.  I was less than interested in the opening match of the evening, as the current champs Big Show & The Miz squarred off against some lesser intimidating dudes, named R-Truth and John Morrison.

Say what you want, but it appears the current climate of rasslin’ tag teams is not nearly as charismatic or engaing as the old school combos …..
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I found the match to be kinda boring. But, it was the opening performance – and the 7-foot rassler pinned a smaller guy. Go figure …..

Triple Threat Match

This was a pretty entertaining match, as it featured the offspring of 3 legendary rasslers – Cody Rhodes (Dusty’s son), Ted Dibiase Jr. (Ted Sr’s. son) and Randy Orton (Cowboy Bob’s son), squaring off in an “every man for himself” contest.

Randy Orton is a physical specimen – he’s freakin’ cut. The first thing that came to mind is the guy has a natural HEEL appearance and demeanor. I thought he was the most athletic performer of the night, and as an outsider could predict, Orton made relatively quick work of the smaller opponents.
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I don’t know Randy Orton’s history – I’ve been watching this NEW ERA of rasslin’ for just a few weeks. But, he’s gonna be a STAR around Vince McMahon’s empire for a very long time.
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No Holds Barred Match
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Make no mistake about it, Vince McMahon is the most hated dude among rasslin’ fans. And, he channels the impassioned hatred into a tool that pries open the wallet of virtually every paying customer.

Regardless of where I think he’s headed in the afterlife, Vince always entertains the FAN …..
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This Wrestlemania edition was no different. Vince McMahon portrayed himself as the guy who snookered the night’s opponent, Bret Hart, by buying off Hart’s family. However, the Hart clan double-crossed Vince and proved blood is thicker than a wad of cash.

Thus, Bret proceeded to beat Vince to a pulp – while whacking him 13 uninterrupted times, with a mangled steel chair. Vince never raised a fist. The fans got excatly what they desired – and Vince, undoubtedly got what he desired, too …..

Today, he’s a richer man.
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Intercontinental Championship
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This was definitely what I considered to be the “Tannest Dude vs. Whitest Dude” in rasslin’. In fact, the match could’ve been sponsored by Coppertone or the Melanoma Research Foundation – both interests were represented during the contest.

During my decade-long hiatus, Sheamus is one of many notable things that has happened to the WWE. He’s billed as an Irish hero, of sorts. And, with his blazing red hair, he kinda looks like “Heat Miser” from Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer fame …..
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You tell me? Do I have a point, or not …..

When I originally stopped watching the weekly antics of rasslin’, the Orioles were on the heels of their FIRST losing season in this horrid streak – and Triple H was a pretty powerful dude, both inside and outside the ring. I see some things never change. He’s married to the owner’s daughter, he can’t lose, right?

Actually, I’d say Vince will force the hand of defeat on whomever stands to generate the most profit for the role – including his own son-in-law. As for the match, it was pretty evenly balanced. But, in a silly moment, Triple H finished off Sheamus with a weak version of his trademark “Pedigree” move.

It was so FAKE – he released it way too soon. To be honest, it would’ve been more believable if Triple H knocked Sheamus in the head with this …..
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Of course, I know rasslin’ is phony. But, if anyone ever doubted it, they just needed to watch the end of this match. It was definitely the poorest execution of the night.
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World Heavyweight Championship
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One of the sillier realities in today’s world of rasslin’ is the collection of different championship belts. There must be a strap for each day of the week – and, I’m not exaggerating …..

And, one of the championship matches at Wrestlemania was Chris Jericho vs. Edge. To be brutally honest, I’m not buying this Edge guy as a dominating personality in the business – he’s much smaller than most contenders and the personality is tinier, too.

While Chris Jericho is not a hulking, behemoth creature, either ….. he had a notable size advantage over Edge. I cannot emphasize it too strongly – Edge does not have the rassler stature, if you know what I mean.
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It was a rather acrobatic match, but in the sense of how things would go on a street, alley or dance floor, at a Baltimore nightclub, Jericho pinned the little guy. This match was unimpressive and that belt needs to make its way into the hands of another, more deserving rassler ….. like Doink the Clown or Koko B. Ware.

I’m just sayin’ …..
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WWE Championship
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I told you raslin’ had alot of belts. That said, these two guys are CHAMPIONSHIP material. But, I’m also suspecting that if they played pro baseball tomorrow, they’d be getting a 50-game suspension letter from Uncle Bud, next week.

You know what I mean, right …..

John Cena and Bautista have that blend of charisma, athleticism and natural acting ability. They put on a very entertaining show, with numerous near pins.

Both guys earned their money and the fans got what most desired …..
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Cena is clearly the crowd favorite among the small stable of Vince McMahon’s stars. He’s the ultimate babyface – combining his engaging appearance and schtick for the masses to enjoy. I know he’s been in a couple b-movies, but the guy is a pretty good actor.

But, since I prefer seeing HEELS dominating the biz, I’d hoped Bautista would successfuly defend his championship …..
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However, it was a night for all the people who believe in Super Heroes, Richie Cunningham and Flintstone Vitamins.
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Undefeated Streak vs. The Career
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Last year, the Undertaker and Shawn Michaels headlined Wrestlemania 25, with one of the greatest matches, ever ….. so, I’m told.

This year, they served up the MAIN EVENT, again. With an added twist, it was the Undertaker’s perfect Wrestlemania streak (17-0) vs. Shawn Michaels’ CAREER. That’s right, if Michaels lost, he would be forced to retire from rasslin’ …..

Yeah, okay.

Plenty of these guys have rassled in “CAREER MATCHES” and lost. Yet, they’ve re-surfaced more often than Evander Holyfield. What else are these guys gonna do?

Work at 7-11 …..

Work at a gym …..

Oh, I got it …..

RASSLE FOR HULK HOGAN AT TNA RASSLIN’ !!!!

Yeah, Shawn Michaels lost the match – after two TOMBSTONES …..
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Think about it – makes perfect sense, right? Now, the Undertaker can carry his UNDEFEATED streak into the next Wrestlemania and Shawn Michaels can make another comeback. It’s a win-win storyline.

And, that’s just how it ended – with more potential storylines.

I wanna thank Mother Nature, for postponing the NASCAR race.

I wanna thank Ray Bachman for leading me back into the HELL HOLE.

And, I especially wanna thank my cable provider, Broadstripe, for siphening $69 from my checking account, during a moment of weakness ….. and boredom.

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