COMEDY ALERT!! Wanna Be Ravens Head Coach?

January 02, 2008 |

Okay listeners.  You’ve been calling all season long… "Billick can’t run an offense!" "He doesn’t know how to manage a clock!"  "He’s an arrogant idiot who looks for excuses!"  "What’s the deal with him and Boller?" 

Well now’s your chance to be head coach of the Ravens.  The job’s open.   I don’t think Bill Cowher is going to take it even if he was offered the gig.  The guy is a legend in Pittsburgh and if he went to the Ravens, a division rival, this soon after leaving, he would be villified in the Steel City not seen since, well since ever.   Money aside, it would be a lose-lose situation.  If he was successful, he and his family would have to wear disguises every time they went out for one of those disgusting subs with the fries on them.   And if he failed in Baltimore, he’d STILL have to wear a disguise and would also be ridiculed.  

That’s not the point of this blog anyway.  Here’s what we want to do.  Andrew and I want to hear what you would do if you were coach of the Ravens.  AND MAKE IT FUNNY!  There’s gotta be some creatively funny ways in which you could aid the Ravens during this rebuilding phase.  Here’s an example:

If I was given the job, the first thing I’d do is make Jonathan Ogden shave his head.  I know he has the toe issue and putting pressure on it can’t be a good thing.  Has anyone considered the possibility that his unusually large, poorly coiffed ‘do has led to an issue of "unequal weight distribution?’  If I’m coach, the ‘do is gone.   Also, I would buy a calculator.  I realized that one of the issues with the prior offensive scheme was the inability to gain ten yards every four downs.  I think perhaps the problem has been one of addition.  Someone needs to be on the sideline adding up the numbers 2+3+2 which would show that after three such plays you are still short of a first down.  I think the calculator would help remind me to call a pass play of sufficient distance to move the sticks.   Another thing I’d do as head coach is to SEVERELY PUNISH FALSE START PENALTIES, DEFENSIVE OFFSIDES AND UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT FLAGS.   Any player called for any of the above infractions would be subjected to the horror of having to sit under Jonathan Ogden before he’s had a shower,  be forced to wear a cone hat that says "I’m either stupid or selfish or both", and would have their talk show license revoked.

I have plenty of other ideas but we want to hear from you.  So let’s go guys- TELL US WHAT YOU WOULD DO IF YOU WERE RAVENS HEAD COACH!

Funniest and most original ideas will win some prize still to be determined… FREE NIGHT AT MAGOOBYS PERHAPS?