Eleven Things You’ll See Before the Lakers Bow Out, and Before Bob Runs Naked.

May 17, 2009 |

Enough of the babble. Enough of the “anyone can win on any given day.” Enough of the game-seven anaylsis. Can Orlando beat Boston? Who cares? Neither of them are beating Lebron. And do you really think the Lakers are going to lose to Houston, at home, in a game seven? Please. It won’t happen. The powers that be won’t let it happen. David Stern is two weeks away from Kobe versus Lebron, and all the Shane Battiers and Chauncey Billups of the world aren’t going to keep it from happening. Some will say, “well, Cleveland and L.A. were the two best teams during the regular season,” and other will claim the NBA “has gone WWE.” I’m more in the form of the latter. As WNST legend, Swami, used to say, “The Cavs will win and the Lakers will win. It’s been taken care of.”


Seriously, I have as good a chance of beating the Lakers as the Rockets do. As a matter of fact, here are ten, no, not ten, eleven (a la Spinal Tap,) things which have a better chance of happening than not having a Lakers/Cavs final.


1. The Baltimore Orioles announce Nestor Aparicio will become the team’s new play-by-play voice.

2. Hugh Hefner will declare he’s been gay his whole life, and the naked chicks were just a cover.

3. Jenna Jamison will receive an Academy Award for Best Actress.

4. Manny Ramirez will go back to Boston, not to join his former team, but rather to accept his admission to Harvard’s freshman class of 2009.

5. David Ortiz will hit a home run. (Ok, this is a little bit of stretch, but what the hell is going on here. People are going to immediately start throwing the “performance enhancing” rumors around, but if there’s anything that was enhanced, I wonder if it was his birth certificate. In the baseball world, racial profiling means seeing a Latin guy and wondering how old he really is. According to his baseball card, Ortiz is 33, but he ain’t swinging like a 33- year-old.) OK, enough about Big Papi. Let’s get back to the task at hand. Things you have a better chance of seeing happen then having the Cavs or Lakers lose before the Finals.

6. Gun-n-Roses will re-unite all the original members and Axl will apologize for being such and ass for the last 20 years.

7. Brett Farve will make some sort of announcement and actually mean it.

8. Rush Limbaugh will hold a press conference and say “You know what? That Obama fella really is doing a hell of a job!”

9. Roger Clemens will come out and say, “Who am I kidding? I’ve seen more needles than a porcupine.”

10. Due to economy, ESPN announces it will downsize its NFL draft section. Instead of having both Todd McShay and Mel Kiper, the network will simply use the genius of Matt Millen.

11. The Vatican will release a statement in defense of sex-having Miami priest Alberto Cutie, saying “We wish he wouldn’t have done it, but did you see that chick in her bathing suit? Wow! Any man gets a shot at that, he’s gotta take it.”


There. Who needs a promise of a naked run down Pratt Street? That was a good marketing stunt, though. Maybe we should do it again? All right. If either the Lakers or the Cavs don’t make the NBA finals, Bob Haynie will run naked down Pratt Street.