Found While Scanning Today’s Obits…

September 13, 2007 |

On September 12, 2007, the Baltimore Orioles (nee St. Louis Browns), passed away in their sleep at home at Camden Yards in front of dozens of fans and employees.  There was no effort made to revive the patient after Nurse Baez stood on the pitcher’s mound.

The Orioles’ death, while not surprising, was still a sad event.  After receiving an injection of Trembleynone earlier this summer, it appeared the Birds may have been on a healthy upswing.  But following a severe bout with Bullpenitis, the franchise suffered a fatal combination of Strained Obliques and Lollygagitude.  Over the past three weeks, a run differential of -100 pulled the patients’ pulse and heart down to unwatchable levels.

The Orioles’ passing reminds many of its’ long-gone fans of the "good old days" of World Championships in 1966, 1970 and 1983.  The franchise also gave birth to six Hall of Fame players. 

Noticeably absent on the night of their passing was their caretaker, Peter G. Angelos.  Although numerous sources have indicated that Mr. Angelos’ absence is not unusual. 

The Orioles were 53 years old.  Over the past ten years, the franchise had contracted a debilitating case of asbestosis, coupled with mean-spiritedness and a surly attitude towards its community.  Old friends and family members began distancing themselves from the team.  In the past two years, apathy combined with ineptitude to leave the Orioles’ home open to vandalism and hostile takeovers by opposing teams’ fans.  But nobody ever came forward with a solution for the ailing team.

The Orioles are survived by four children, the Newport Tides, the Bowie Baysox, the Frederick Keys, the Delmarva Shorebirds and two grandchildren, the Bluefield Orioles and the Aberdeen IronBirds.  It is widely hoped among their surviving fans that the IronBirds’ caretaker, Cal Ripken, Jr., may be interested in caring for the franchise’s remains and Camden Yards home.

A memorial service for the team will be held at Camden Yards on Sunday, September 30, 2007 at 1:35 p.m. at Oriole Park at Camden Yards.  In lieu of donations, all former fans will be asked to pay a premium of $5 more per seat than they usually would.  All proceeds will benefit the law offices of Peter G. Angelos.

It is expected that more than 40,000 Yankees fans will attend to pay their respects.

mark@wnst.net

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