How They Really “SELECT” The Monday Night Football Schedule ….

April 16, 2009 |

Picture this ….. deep within the confines of the NFL Headquarters, in New York, Roger Goodell’s adjutant nervously knocks on the commish’s door, on a chilly March afternoon. “Umm, we’re ready BOSS,” the faithful assistant proclaims.

And, so the NFL’s version of the HMFIC exits the confines of his plush Park Avenue office and swaggers down the hallway to a secured boardroom. On this day, the NFL’s “Monday Night Football” schedule is gonna be determined.

Many enthusiasts might expect the fanciest of cyber-technology comprised in such a room. Perhaps, the shrewdest minds to dissect the professional game of football are on hand. Stacks and stacks of data are certainly relied upon, right?

Wrong …..

I’ll imagine that when Mr. Goodell makes his way into the secretive bounds of such a room, he’s immediately put at ease when he sees Joe Brown, Joel Chiodi and other execs with their neckties undone and Pabst Blue Ribbon, in hand.

As the commissioner loosens his own tie, he exclaims, “Damn it boys, let’s have some fun ….. bring in the MONKEYS.” And, as Big ‘Rog grabs his own icy cold can of “PBR”, a sect of six South American Spider Monkeys are ushered into the room.

As the monkeys do their best impression as contestants on “Dancing With The Stars,” Commissioner Goodell lays down the rules ……

1) Every NFL city gets a ping-pong ball
2) Miami is a nice town and Big ‘Rog likes it there ….. so they get 57 balls.
3) Baltimore, Pittsburgh and Philly are no fun ….. they have their balls removed.
4) Like American Idol, the Commish can now “save” a city, if gets eliminated.

And, with the review of the rules, the selection process begins …..

The first ball selected reads “New England.” The group erupts in applause as Goodell exclaims, “the process works, we have a Dynasty hosting the first Monday Night game.”

The second ball plucked from the hopper, and closely examined by a curious primate, reads, “Miami.” In a stunned exuberance, Goodell gushes, “WOW …. Miami !!!!” “Guys, this is a HUGE surprise ….. I am sooooo shocked.” “Damn it, call Will Smith ….. we’re going to Miami.”

The process makes turn after turn over the next couple hours and surprises are aplenty. Just five picks into the fair and balanced ordeal, MIAMI suddenly appears, again. It’s a miracle ….. and they have 55 chances remaining …..

There are tense moments, as well. After a stunning and conflicted phone call from a guy named “Jerry,” Commissioner Goodell spouts out several “Yes, sirs.” And, upon completion of the call, he orders that Week #3 be re-drawn. And, he makes this executive order 33 times, until a monkey picks “DALLAS” out of the hopper. “Whew ….. got that one out of the way.”

The selection process has its lighter moments, too. When Week #10 is drawn, and it’s “Cleveland,” the braintrust stares at each other and they agree, “we’re all gonna be in MIAMI for a long weekend ….. who cares, Cleveland it is.”

The entire process has its contrived and choreographed moments, as well. On the first week, Big ‘Rog orders a second Monday Night contest. “And, put it in Oakland ….. that old Fonzee Fart will be nodding off in the owners box – priceless.”

All in all, the process is a success, and the monkees are congratulated for their efforts. There were some “hairy” moments ….. each time “New York” was drawn from the hopper, it was disregarded ….. as one exec put it, “we’re always in New York.”

I digress …..

If this was really the process utilized, would you be surprised? In fact, are you surprised the Super Bowl is being played in Miami, again, after just a 3-year absence?

I wonder how they picked it …..