I’m not even going to bother going into last night’s battle between Payton and Mora. What’s the point? Can I change anything? No. Can I turn Dany Baez into a pitcher who’s worth his 5 million dollar salary? No. I said it when the season started- you don’t pay 40 million bucks for relief pitchers! Relief pitchers are NEVER sure things. Even a big name closer isn’t worth the kind of money they’re getting. Is B.J Ryan worth his contract? You can ask him while he’s on the DL for another six weeks. What about Eric Gagne or Tom Gordon? Anybody remember who was supposed to close for the Astros?
So, for today, NO ORIOLES.
Instead, since I’m a comic, let’s talk about the couple out in Carney who paid a veterinarian a thousand bucks to implant fake testicles inside their dog’s nut sack after he was neutered. Not a joke. HAPPENED. Let me just say this: If you spend even a dollar on fake cajones for your dog and there’s a starving person anywhere in the world- YOU SHOULD KILL YOURSELF!
People are buying these implants because they actually think their dogs care that they’ve been snipped. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. I’ve been around plenty of neutered dogs in my life and not one of them has ever looked depressed. You know what they look like? A FREAKIN’ DOG! Next topic…
JERRY FALWELL IS DEAD…
I hope for his sake he’s right about that whole "only people like me go to Heaven" thing because if he ends up in the same place everyone else does including gay people, Jews, blacks, pro-choice activists and scientists who believe in Darwinism (you know, REAL scientists) he’s in for a HUGE BUTT WHIPPING. Here’s one of his more interesting quotes concerning 9/11:
"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America," he said. "I point the finger in their face and say ‘You helped this happen.’ "
Bye, Bye Jerry…
An expert on the Middle East said today that if U.S troops leave Iraq the country will become "a terrorist Disneyland". A spokesman for Six Flags immediately responded that they could build a much better terrorist theme park than Disney. And then Disney shareholders attacked- well you get the rest.
BALTIMORE PLACES FIFTEENTH ON THE "RUDE DRIVERS" LIST
Come on Charm City! We can do a hell of a lot better than that! Btw, Miami was ranked #1. You’d be angry too if the highway was filled with nothing but drug-addled models swerving around in their Escalades and old people.
Quick Thought about Florida- Everyone in Florida looks guilty of something.
LINDSAY LOHAN IS MAXIM’S HOTTEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD
Gee, I guess drug addiction, freckles and obnoxious behavior are "IN" now. Lindsay Lohan? Please. I’ve seen better looking girls at the Jewel Box on Baltimore street. Besides, every guy knows that the hottest woman in the world is the one you just broke up with, right?
Hey I’ll be headlining Tracy’s Comedy Club at 9306 Harford Road in Parkville this Friday and Saturday night. For reservations and show times call 410-665-8600. Mention WNST and get 3 bucks off the ticket price. Also, if you come on Friday you can see our short film "The Filchaks Take a Gamble". Check out our host page for "The Fighting Ungers" for more info!
Oh, and Sam Perlozzo should STILL be fired… Damn! I couldn’t stay off sports.