Yeah sure, Sam Perlozzo was fired today. Of course he was. The Orioles stink and the manager always gets the axe. CLICK HERE and you can listen to a clip from last Saturday’s show where Andrew and I envisioned Perlozzo’s next occupation. It should make you laugh.
Is Girardi the right guy? Perhaps. If he wants the job which, in my opinion, is VERY speculative. He’s a Yankees guy through and through. Torre’s days are numbered and Girardi might be next in line to inherit the throne. Also, remember this is a guy who got fired even after winning NL manager of the year because he didn’t get along with the ownership down in Florida. Will it work better in Baltimore? Will MacPhail provide a buffer? And why in the hell would a guy with as much heat as Girardi want to risk coming to a failing franchise? Do you think he really wants to fill out THIS lineup card every day? We’ll see.
Now let’s move onto more important things…
My NIGHTMARE OBSESSION WITH CHONE FIGGINS
I miss him every day. I miss the way he moves as he steals another base. I’d do anything to have him back. Anything!
Okay, I know I need to get over him but it’s just so hard. See, Figgins was one of the players I drafted in the Fighting Ungers Fantasy Baseball League. I didn’t know much about him at the time but I noticed his high Yahoo ranking, saw he had good numbers last season (particularly base stealing) and decided to take a chance on him.
"If you change your mind, I’m the first in line. Baby I’m still free. Take a chance on me."
Our relationship began on a sour note. Little did I realize that my new speed demon came with baggage- he started the season on the D.L. "Fine" I said to myself. He just needs a little time to heal and then I’ll have him back for good. He’ll steal bases and score runs. His major league team, the Los Angeles Angels, played him at several different positions so I could move him around when other players were off. He’s worth the wait. And so I waited…
Until finally it was announced that Choney (my pet name for him) would be back in the starting lineup. My heart swelled as I fantasized about all that my sleeper pick would accomplish. Together we’d RULE THE LEAGUE!
Only Figgins wasn’t ready for a relationship with me. He wouldn’t hit. He wouldn’t walk. He NEVER got on base. I waited for him to be the man I knew he could be but it just wasn’t happening. Day after day after day he would go oh-fer. The only thing he stole were my dreams.
I wanted to remain loyal, but in the end I couldn’t. On May 31st at 12:43pm I clicked my computer mouse one time and Figgins was gone. He was off my roster. I replaced him with Alex Gonzalez, a power hitting shortstop for Cincinnati who was red hot with 10 homeruns and 24 runs batted in, good numbers for a free agent. I couldn’t resist. Although I wanted Figgins’ speed it was the muscular Gonzalez who seemed as though he held the key to my happiness. And so I said good bye to Figgins.
All along though, I secretly had a plan.
Call it greed but I thought perhaps I could have the best of both worlds. Perhaps no one would see Chone on the waiver wire. After all he was hitting .133 at the time I released him and had stolen just 3 bases. I could wait three days for my man to clear waivers and then maybe, just maybe, he’d return to me with the fire that had been missing. I could play him at several positions and he would run for me, run like the wind stealing base after base. This was my plan.
That first night away from me, against the Baltimore Orioles, Chone went 3 for 4 with a run scored and 2 stolen bases. In one evening his batting average rose 27 points to .233. Still I was convinced he’d be forgotten by the rest of our league. But then on June 1st he was 3 for 3 with 2 runs scored and a ribbie. On the second of June he went 2 for 4 with 2 more ribbies, two more runs and another stolen base. I rushed to the waiver wire praying he’d still be there.
He was gone. Swept away by a team called Charlie’s Devils. And Charlie IS the devil because he took someone who was very dear to me.
Nowadays, I check the newspapers every once in a while to see what Figgins is doing. He seems happy. He’s so happy, he’s now batting .258 with 14 stolen bases and 26 runs scored. Since I kicked him to the curb he’s hitting .411. It’s as if he’s mocking me. As though he’s saying to me "Marc, you thought you’d hurt me but you haven’t. I’m in a better place now".
Meanwhile, my muscular shortstop from the Reds, Alex Gonzalez, has done very little. I’ve gotten 2 homers and 7 rbi’s. Mostly he’s on my bench now. Someone named Betancourt plays shortstop for my team The Bad News Gamblers. I think he’s on the Mariners. I don’t even know anymore. All I ever think about is Chone Figgins, the man I let get away.
Thoughts? Comments? email us at email@example.com
Check out Marc’s comedy at www.myspace.com/marcunger
DEFINITELY RATED R!!