Picking Super Bowl Winners is Easy!

January 28, 2008 |


All this week Rob Long, Bob Haynie and myself are taking over the 6am-10am spot while Drew is in Tempe for the Super Bowl.  Many of you are PAINFULLY aware that I’m a huge New York Giants fan and believe 100% that the Giants will cover the 12 points and could certainly win outright. 

For those of you who foolish enough to trust my opinion, I dug up the following piece.  It’s an article I wrote last year for an online  magazine.  I was 100% positive I had the right side of the Bears- Colts Super Bowl and scribbled this while watching the game. 

Watching The Super Bowl And Knowing I Have A Winning Bet…

4 Hours before kick off-

Only four hours to Super Bowl XLI… I’m stoked. I have the right side of this game, no doubt it about. I’ve watched all the breakdowns on ESPN, The NFL Network and Fox Sports. I did my homework. I ran the numbers. I looked at trends. I studied tape. I simulated the match-up using computer software, Xbox 360 and an old electric football game I had up in the closet.

The Bears will cover the spread in this football game. In the Super Bowl, defense beats offense and while the Colts have shown a great deal of defensive improvement of late, they still don’t compare to Urlacher and Co. Grossman can throw the deep ball and Berrian can outrun anyone on the field.

I know the Bears will put up some points and I expect that Manning will be good for at least one interception returned the other way for either a score or great field position. Plus what about Hester? He’s good for points.

Not only do I think the Bears will cover the six points, I think they could win outright. I’m betting the Bears against the spread and on the money line to win. Now it’s time to kick back with a beer, eat anything put in front of me that has cheese in it and settle in for the pre-game festivities.

2 hours before Kick off-

Why is Hines Ward on my television screen? Why are they interviewing his mother who I’m pretty sure I saw in an old episode of MASH? I’ll give ten bucks to anyone who can explain to me what Hines Ward has to do with this Super Bowl? Last year his story had relevance. This year it’s a waste of my time. Personally I’d much rather watch Jessica Simpson chew on a pizza bite for five minutes. I’m glad Hines is huge in South Korea, now please return to something I give a crap about…

1 hour prior to kick off

Wow, I can’t believe how boring the Cirque Du Soleil is. This is one of the most unentertaining things I’ve ever watched in my life. Gee, I only hope they cut to that commercial of two guys kissing each other over a Snickers bar. That’s something I REALLY want to see because I haven’t yet vomited today. Not even after five beers, two shots of Cuervo and enough cheesy appetizers to support Wisconsin’s economy for the next fifty years… And now Boomer Esiason, Dan Marino (who looks pretty damn happy for a guy who has been hearing for two weeks about how he’s not one the “greats” because he never won a Super Bowl. Not to mention, he dropped thirty pounds by eating dehydrated cardboard packaged as “man food” by Nutri-System) and the other pre-game commentators are offering their opinion on the game. They all like the Colts. I’m even happier now. Because everyone knows that if the commentators all like one side, bet the other way. I call my bookie and double my bet.

The National Anthem…

Holy crap! Is that Billy Joel? I mean because I’ve been drinking for the last four hours so maybe I’m starting to see things that aren’t there. That can’t be Billy Joel. This guy looks bald and old. Really old. He looks like a pervert. He should be wearing a raincoat. Wow.. that IS Billy Joel… Man, I’m getting old.

The Opening Kick-off

Go Hester! Go! Run you mother-! Touchdown! Whoohoo! I knew it! I’m dancing! Shots for everyone at the bar! Get me some more cheese filled appetizers pronto! I notice the weather and start to sing: “It’s raining, it’s pouring, Billy Joel is snoring!” Bears weather.. Yeehaw!


Okay, we got a little lucky there towards the end. We’re only down two points though. I’m not concerned. Everyone said Manning would throw all over the Bears cornerbacks and that hasn’t happened. Plus, although he looks pretty crappy, Grossman hasn’t thrown the pick. That’s all I ask. Don’t throw the pick. The Colts might own the stats right now but, remember, last year Seattle killed Pittsburgh in all the numbers except the one that mattered, the final score. Oh, and I ain’t watchin’ Prince. I’ll drive home and listen to the half time on the radio.

4th Quarter-

Alright, the Colts are ahead but still not covering the spread. I’m good. I’m feeling positive. I have high hopes for victory. The Bears won’t win this one outright but I like my chances with… uh-oh, Rex GROSSMAN? I’m supposed to trust my hard earned money to a guy who brings new meaning to the word “afterthought”? The guy’s more erratic than Nicole Ritchie’s struggle with sobriety. Okay, Marc. Calm down. This is the stuff Super Bowl dreams are made of.

The much maligned Grossman leading the Chicago Bears to victory on a night when the defense can’t tackle, the running backs keep fumbling and, after the first score, Devin Hester was given a restraining order and isn’t allowed within a 1000 feet of a kicked or punted football. All the naysayers will be proven wrong. The Mighty Grossman will stun the world with a dramatic fourth quarter co- Interception! Fiddlesticks! He just threw the ball to a guy who never had an interception in his career but that’s okay as soon as they make the tackle they- Double fiddlesticks! The guy just scored…

Post- Grossman Stress Disorder

The Bears did what everyone else said they would do. They lost. They lost the game and they lost against the spread. The game did go under the total points so I have that going for me. I bet that too. But nowhere near the amount I just lost on Super Bowl Manning. And I’m out of beer. I’m twitching violently and I want to cry. And my ex girlfriend is the devil. And the only thing worse than how I feel now would be to discover that she’s dating Rex Grossman. Of course even she’s not THAT desperate. Poor Rex. Poor Marc. I hate myself. Manning gets the Super Bowl trophy so I don’t have to hear about that anymore. An African-American coach wins a Super Bowl. Ditto for not hearing that again. Now I just have to face my bookie.. Where’s the tequila?

 Still believe that the Giants can’t get killed?  Me neither.  Final score: Patriots 28  Giants 24…   Experience pulls it out at the end but the Giants fight hard and easily cover the 12 points.