It’s tough to type with yolk in my eye. But, okay, tie me to a tree in Patterson Park and beat me with Jim Leonhard’s cleats. I deserve it. Who the hell am I to say the Ravens won’t beat Cleveland? It’s Cleveland for crying out loud! I’m a cretin. An idiot. A jerk. I know less about the Ravens defense than Paris Hilton knows about the Sicilian one.
What the hell was I thinking? I doused myself in irish whiskey last night knowing that today (with apologies to Jerry Lee Lewis) there was gonna be “A WHOLE LOTTA RETRIBUTION GOING ON”.
My girlfriend wonders why I plan to spend the whole week hiding under the bed.
I WAS COMPLETELY WRONG!
I should be stuffed into a giant Utz potato chip bag and tossed into the Chesapeake Bay. Or dropped from the top of the Bromo Seltzer tower. Sheila Dixon should skin me and wear me as a coat.
Too violent? Fine. Then ban me from eating pit beef, coddies or soft shell crabs for a year.
If I try to get into the Sports Legends museum, the Babe Ruth museum or the Meyerhoff, tackle me at the door and spit on me before kicking me down the street.
The Senator Theatre should have a midnight showing of a new film called “MARC UNGER’S A MORON”.
I owe personal apologies to every member of the Ravens “depthless” defense. Ed Reed? Too old? Playing hurt? Interception… touchdown! I’m a fool. Chris McAlister, Samari Rolle… Ray Lewis tipping passes.
Oh, and boy is Terrell Suggs overrated or what? He only had two sacks! Why the hell didn’t he get four? Can I get another shot of poison, please? Um, who’s in first place in the AFC NORTH? Has to be the Steelers, right?
What? It’s the Ravens?
Could RISE and CONQUER make that much of a difference? Could Joe Flacco, a rookie out of Delaware who, last year, threw an interception against Towson, keep his team competitive all season? Is John Harbaugh the Second Coming of Lombardi?
Where’s my Tony Siragusa costume? I’m wearing it for Halloween. From here on in, I’m Purple and Black all the way…
Well, until they lose to the Giants.