Ten Commandments of A Baltimore Sports Woman

July 06, 2012 | Hope Birchfield

Ten Commandments of A Baltimore Sports Woman

 1.) Thou shalt not date a Steelers fan.

Reason – When you’re cold and your boyfriend only has Steelers hoodies, you’re going to prefer staying cold.

Why It Probably Won’t Work – A Twitter follower, (@EliseTorske), recounts a time when she tried to overlook the dark cloud that encompassed football season with her ex.

“My ex boyfriend was a die-hard Steelers fan and I’m a die-hard Ravens fan. Weekends were so tense with him walking around in that puke yellow jersey for over a half of a year. No good ever came when they played each other. The weeks following those games usually consisted of screaming and him sleeping on the couch. Honestly, one of the final straws was when for Christmas pictures, he insisted on wearing a Hines Ward jersey. I was done and never again will I put myself through the agony of dating someone who has the bad sense to root for the Steelers.”

2.)  Thou shalt not ever accept a drink from Ben Roethlisberger.

Reason – You’d rather have a night to remember than a night to forget. We’d much rather see Suggs have his way with Ben.

3.)    Thou shalt never plan a child’s birthday party on Football Sundays.

Reason – How are you supposed to yell expletives at the television with kids, a clown and a riveting game of “Pin the Tail on the Donkey?”

Horror Story – When I was invited to a friend’s party last year (we’ll call him Hoyt, to protect his identity) to watch the Ravens try to take the Bengals in Week 17, I was excited to watch the Ravens go for their 12th win and the No. 2 seed. I arrived at the house fully dressed in Ravens regalia with beer and dip. As I walked up to the door, however, I heard a loud shriek. For a moment I hesitated, briefing assessing the situation and quickly dismissing that a child was screaming. No, no. This was a football party and I was pumped.

As I opened the door, I felt like I got punched in the stomach as I saw party streamers, kids covered in ice cream, balloons and a horrifying clown. Then, I actually did get punched in the stomach by some passing kid. Good times that party. I stayed for approximately 2.2 nanoseconds, turned right around and bee lined for the nearest sports bar.

 4.) Thou shall observe the day after the Super Bowl as a National Day of Rest.

Reason – Whether you’re drinking to celebrate, forget or look ahead to the next season, drinking is going to be involved.

Work Productivity Drops Super Bowl Monday – In a recent consumer survey, approximately 1.5 million people anticipated calling out of work on the Monday after the Super Bowl with another 4.4 million anticipating going into work late. Why not just avoid this loss of productivity and deem it a holiday?

5.) Thou shalt not ever refer to Tom Brady as attractive.

Reason – He plays professional football yet he whines whenever he gets hit. Toughen up, tiger.

6.)  Thou shalt not date a Yankees fan.

Reason – Yankees and Orioles mesh as well as oil and water. Who hasn’t seen a Yankees bumper sticker trying to merge in traffic and maybe sped up? It’s built into our DNA. Plus, do you really need to hear more praises about Derek Jeter after 17 years?

Why It Probably Won’t Work – Another twitter follower, (@HairByHolls) explains why she made a vow to never date another Yankees fan.

“Cheering on the Orioles as a kid, my dad taught me all about baseball and more importantly, warned me about those Yanks. Not listening to his advice, I met a charming Yankees fan and we quickly started dating. It was winter though, so it wasn’t a problem. As baseball season started, the Orioles were looking like competitors, much to his displeasure. When the Orioles and Yankees played at Camden Yards, we went and I watch the Orioles fall. He was such *bleeping* jerk that night, gloating enough to make even the cockiest person blush. That night effectively ended that relationship.”

7.) Thou shalt not date a Red Sox fan.

Reason – After their World Series win and the Bahston nonsense they bring to Camden Yards, they are almost as bad as Yankees fans. As a general rule, if they have bad accents, cocky attitudes and overpriced stadiums, steer clear.

8.) Thou shalt not count calories on game day.

Reason – People want chips, dips and pizza. Vegetables should only be present as a garnish or a vessel of dip.

9.) Thou shalt always represent the home team even if hostile territory.

Reason – Girls have certain, uh, features that tend to be favorable to the opposite sex. Therefore, if you have a XX chromosome, you probably won’t be decked in the face.

10.) Thou shalt obey the righteousness of Tom Hanks and abide by “There’s no crying in baseball.”

Reason – People go to baseball games to watch baseball. I promise that nobody wants to hear you whine about how your boyfriend dated your friend’s friend’s friend six years ago and you think he’s still in love with her. Save the drama for your mama and don’t cry in the ladies room.

 

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7 Comments For This Post

  1. Yaakov Birnbaum Says:

    HaHa, priceless..

  2. Jeremy Says:

    There is no crying in any sport, even amatuer leagues. People that whine annoy the living BeJesus out of me. And no one should ever date a Steelers Fan, whether it be male or female. I’m not even sure there are female Steelers fan anymore, or if there were any ever. Funny blog, good job Goober lol

  3. cari fisher Says:

    Well said Hope. I agree with every commandment here and do abide to them at all times….kudos girl
    I believe you should win for you hut every commandment on the head. And plus you are a great friend that provided cotton candy And dry ice for us to play with after excessively drinking on super bowl Sunday:) very proud of you And very excited.

  4. TJ Says:

    Great read Hope….my side is still hurting from laughing so hard…even though I am not a female…Hope really sheds some light on what all Baltimore sports should live by….The Baltimore Sports Bible written by the ever so beautiful Hope Birchfield….Don’t think I will look at a kids bday party the same again Hope..thanks lol

  5. tracy Says:

    Awesomeness. Pure awesomeness. This was everything I’ve always thought and wanted to say! Well said!

  6. Andrew Says:

    Outstanding point of view!! #3 was an especially painful lesson to learn. Fresh take on the matter. Entertaining as always …

  7. Barbara Says:

    My husband and I can’t stop laughing. So funny yet so true!

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