The Ballad of Jim Tressel: The Mafioso of Mafi-O-S-U

May 31, 2011 | Thyrl Nelson



You know the story if you want to run the Big 10

You gotta dig in, scheme to bury Michigan

If you want success then you’ve gotta bring the best in

They brought the Tress in, they brought The Vest in

And soon to follow brought Clarrett and the rest in

Say what you want but that group won the BCS man

Who gives a damn if you could throw it in the trashcan?

They got the stats man, they got the cash man

You think you understand? Then try and argue that man

That’s why they laugh when cats are trippin over tats man

Tressel got the slapped hand, he’s sitting vs. Ak-ran

And laughing….




He runs the Big 10 like the wild, wild  west

A cold-blooded gangster in a sweater vest

Like him or not he begets success

And his program reflects Tressel’s lawlessness


He runs the Buckeye crime family

Free from all culpability

The money’s in the bank before the truth comes through

He’s the Mafioso of Mafi-O-S-U




We got the real story from Gordon Gee

Who slipped when he said kind of jokingly

“Fire him? I hope Tressel won’t fire me”

And gave us a peek at the hierarchy

Of the Ohio State University

Although he did so inadvertently

It was more of a glimpse of reality

Than they probably really wanted anyone to see

Slapped Tressel’s wrist very publicly

The whole thing played out kind of farcically

And quickly turned in to a pep rally

The Vest runs the show and it’s plain to see






So let me warn you if you want to try the Buckeyes

Good luck guys, nothing’s ever stuck guys

Before you go around there trying to rake that muck guys

Keep in mind they’re making money by the truck size

Tressel took the podium and told a couple more lies

And no surprise…he only half apologized

Gee gave the Vest two games on the shelf

Then the real man in charge dropped the hammer on himself

Added three games in the name of solidarity

Played true to form in this farcical parody

Hopes the NCAA throws him some charity

And lets him move on like it all played fairly






A chilly gangster with a vest on made of Teflon

Think not you’re dead wrong…slip and you’ll get stepped on

Mistake his look and you’ll get took to school the long way

The strong way they run their ship the wrong way

Or some say the right way for the payday

Trade paydays for great plays

Trade trophies for jewelry

Trade footballs and jerseys

To ink out their bodies

To slick out their wardrobes and whip Maseratis

Cash rules everything around said the Wu

And cash rules everything in football too

The team makes the cash and the cash is the glue

That holds the team together at the O-S-U

The kids make the cash and the kids risk their health

When they’re Buckeyes the kids get a share of the wealth

‘Cause the Vest understands when the kids go for self

‘Cause they all go for self

Buckeyes ball for their wealth






So let’s review that you don’t want to screw the Buckeyes

You’d be advised to sic your spies on the Illinis

Beat up the Boiler Makers hassle the Hoosiers

Badger the Badgers ’cause rules are for losers

Everybody else needs to just stop crying

Penn State has the Nittanys but Buckeyes got lying

Down to a science no denying they’re beyond reproach

Just like the Tress just like the Vest just like the head coach

The Spartans and Hawkeyes and Gophers they’ve got that

And O-S-U outnumbers Northwestern’s wild cats

Everybody knows how it goes vs. Michigan

Surely now we don’t have to go over this again

The Buckeyes are so far in front it’s not funny

And Tressel’s crime syndicate keeps printing money

So as I said “You sure you wanna test the Buckeyes?”

God luck guys…nothing’s ever stuck guys.