Friday Mud goes off the beaten path today.
Just a little.
But it promises to be fun.
I got the inspiration for today’s gem by recalling a headline that was written in the Baltimore News American a long time ago. The only reason I know about it is because my father once relayed the story to me when I was big enough to understand the humor in it.
The Orioles were playing someone, I think it might have been the White Sox. The White Sox had a relief pitcher with the last name of Peters. He was evidently very good. Prior to the Chicago team arriving in Baltimore for a 3-game series, Peters injured himself and was pronounced “unavailable” for the series in Charm City. The headline the next day in the News American read: Orioles to face White Sox with Peters out
My Dad went to the first game of the series. He thought there was an unusually high turn-out of female fans that night.
So, with that, I give you a slew of newspaper headlines that might make you chuckle.
> I mean, what the hell would they expect when they RAID A GUN SHOP?
> Those English folks sure are MASTERS OF THE OBVIOUS.
> Hey, I guess if you’re hungry, YOU’LL EAT JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.
> And you thought OUR GOVERNMENT lacked common sense. Shame on you.
> Not sure how you sign up for THIS MILITARY OBLIGATION, but I know Glenn Clark is interested.
> Serves A-Rod right, you put that thing WHERE IT DOESN’T BELONG and stuff happens.
> Well, this is MONEY WELL SPENT, I’d say.
> You wanna know why a lot of people think soccer sucks? THIS IS EXHIBIT A.
> Without question, the best moment in sports in 2010 was CAUGHT RIGHT HERE. In the parlance of our times, they call that gorgeous thing a championship winning goal.
> I’m not one to throw silly pick-up lines around, but I think I discovered THIS ONE by accident. Somewhere in Indianapolis this weekend, you can rest assured a certain local sports talk guy who is forever-bonded-to-Gary-Williams will be using that on some unsuspecting midwestern female.
The Shoot Section (the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth…)
So earlier this week on the show, I playfully picked apart a recent blog comment I saw while perusing The Sun’s website in which the author put the Yankees starting nine up against the Orioles starting nine. He (or she, perhaps…you never know, since no one uses their real name anymore) went position by position and gave reasons why the Yankee player was better than the Oriole player or vice versa. It was a pretty comical 10 minutes of radio, as I chugged along and laughed with Glenn at some of the insane stuff this orange-kool-aid-drinker actually wrote. “I’ll take J.J. Hardy over Derek Jeter”. “Mark Reynolds and A-Rod are a draw”. And so it went, each player-by-player comparison giving an advantage to the Yankees or the Orioles or, when it was just too dang close to call, it turned out to be “a draw”. Let’s get this straight. THIS YEAR, the Yankees lineup is better than the Orioles. That doesn’t mean the Orioles aren’t going to be improved. They will be. That doesn’t mean the Orioles’ lineup doesn’t have the potential to be one of the top 5 in the American League. It has that potential. But the Yankees baseball team is better than the Orioles baseball team. When you write crazy stuff like “Mark Reynolds and A-Rod are a draw” you might as well just get a tattoo on your forehead that reads, “I’m a dumb ass”. Other than the one obvious thing – they both pee standing up – there’s nothing about Mark Reynolds that is similar to Alex Rodriguez. Nothing. You’re just a fool if you think there is, because there isn’t. So root for the home team. Root away. I know I’m going to…after all, I’m the dummy that keeps saying they’re going to win at least 82 games this season. I’ve bought in. But I’m not an idiot. I don’t write stupid stuff like “J.J. Hardy vs. Derek Jeter: Edge, Hardy”. Only a nitwit writes that…if, in fact, you actually believe it. Just writing it might only make you a comedian. Believing it and writing it makes you a nitwit. When you write “Mark Reynolds vs. A-Rod: Draw”, you’re perhaps the dumbest person on the planet. And that’s saying a lot given what decisions we’ve seen from our elected officials over the last 10 years. This year, the Orioles lineup is not better than the Yankees. I don’t care about payroll and I don’t care about “yeah, but 3 years from now…” or “but what if their best 3 guys get hurt?”. The Yankees have a better team than the Orioles. Be a fan. Please. But be a smart one.
> I typed in the famous quote: “Dude, if I were you I’d just pay them all off and move to a deserted island and start over” and THIS PHOTO POPPED UP.
> I’m not really sure what THIS THING is, but I know this: I typed in the words “Danny Briere in a former life” in Google Search and that picture came up. Really, it did. I assume that animal is a weasel, right?
> So Glenn and I are off to spring training in Sarasota (we’ll be doing the 2-6pm show all next week, in case you care to listen), so I bid you adieu with one thought. In my week down there, I sure hope I have the chance to meet MY NEW FAVORITE ORIOLE.
> And last but not least, song #12 on my all-time favorite CD that I’m sort-of-making. THESE GUYS were big-time underrated. LOVE THIS SONG!!!!
OK, song #12 isn’t really on my CD. I just felt like putting it in Friday Mud.
It is a pretty good song, though.
I’m not sure what song #12 is on the CD. I have a flight to catch. Gotta run…