Tiger laughs all the way to the courthouse and pays $164 fine

December 01, 2009 | Drew Forrester

The witch hunt has evidently come to a conclusion in Orlando, Florida.

And boy-oh-boy…those police folks and the gossip rags sure did teach Tiger a lesson.

He was cited today for “careless driving” (I did that three times today on 695…sure glad I don’t live in Orlando) and issued a ticket that cost him four points on his record and a $164 fine.

Rumor is Woods went in to the courthouse laughing and gave them $164 in pennies.

So, it’s over.

Tiger paid his fine, the Florida Highway Patrol has closed the case, and Woods can now go out for Slurpees again in Windermere.

Wait, you say…what about the affair and the big fight he had with his wife and the scratches on his face and the assault charge against her?

After all, TMZ.com reported all of that stuff.  That doesn’t just get dropped now, does it?

Ummm, none of that stuff actually happened.

Or, if it did, there’s no evidence to support that it happened.

And since there’s no evidence to support that it happened, it looks like Tiger’s not going to jail for 10-to-15 with no parole.

Go ahead and laugh now.

I’ve been giggling all afternoon.

Not as much as Tiger and Elin, I’m sure…but I’ve been giggling.

TMZ is thrilled to death, by the way.  They got four days of traffic to their web-site.  Accurate journalism?  Nah.  But who cares about that?  They needed web hits and they got ’em.

It’s all about the numbers.

Pressed to give my “guess” on what happened last Friday morning, I’d say Tiger’s accident actually occurred as he was ARRIVING home, not leaving home.  My “guess” would also have something to do with Tiger probably having a nip or two more than he should have.  My “guess” is that he didn’t quite negotiate the turn into his driveway as cleanly as he would have had he not been on the high end of a couple of refreshments.

And because he lives in Windermere and he pays for the right to be protected within the sanctuary of that closed-to-the-rest-of-the-world-community, his little slip-up was overlooked by those who attended to the accident.

That’s just my guess.

I have no evidence to support that guess.

But I can say with a lot of certainty that Tiger’s never going to be charged with a driving under the influence charge if he crashes his car in front of his house.  The authorities would simply guide him into his house, make him a pot of coffee, and ask him to sign a couple of pictures for their man-cave.  Unless, of course, he had injuries that required medical treatment. They’d then see to it that he got the care he needed and then get him back home as quickly as possible.  No sense in sitting around the hospital when you have Elin at home to give you a back rub and tuck you in for a nap.

What happens in Windermere stays in Windermere.

That’s my guess, anyway.

In the meantime, though, TMZ.com was once again exposed for being what they are — a collection of stories from all over the world from sources and anonymous contributors who know as much about what really happens as my cat, Woody.

TMZ’s laundry list of lies included:

“Tiger’s wife beat him in the face with a golf club” (no evidence of such)

“Florida Highway Patrol getting a search warrant for Tiger’s house” (never happened)

Tiger told a friend his wife confronted him about an affair with Robin Uchitel” (no evidence of such)

“FHP getting a search warrant for medical records from the hospital where Tiger was treated” (never happened)

“Tiger’s face had no blood after accident” (witnesses and police both say he was bleeding)

A lot of people read TMZ and believed it all.

That isn’t a shock, of course.  Not everyone’s a candidate for a Harvard degree…if you know what I mean.

So Tiger paid his fine today.

That $164 check might mean they can’t send their dog to weekend pooch camp on December 12-13.

How will the Woods family manage?

Better yet, when do you think they’ll stop laughing about all of this?

I know I can’t.