‘Wanna Be The New Ravens Head Coach’ Comedy Contest

January 04, 2008 |

Okay listeners.  You’ve been calling all season long… "Billick can’t run an offense!" "He doesn’t know how to manage a clock!"  "He’s an arrogant idiot who looks for excuses!"  "What’s the deal with him and Boller?" 

Well now’s your chance to be head coach of the Ravens.  The job’s open.   I don’t think Bill Cowher is going to take it even if he was offered the gig.  The guy is a legend in Pittsburgh and if he went to the Ravens, a division rival, this soon after leaving, he would be villified in the Steel City not seen since, well since ever.   Money aside, it would be a lose-lose situation.  If he was successful, he and his family would have to wear disguises every time they went out for one of those disgusting subs with the fries on them.   And if he failed in Baltimore, he’d STILL have to wear a disguise and would also be ridiculed.  

That’s not the point of this blog anyway.  Here’s what we want to do.  Andrew and I want to hear what you would do if you were coach of the Ravens.  AND MAKE IT FUNNY!  There’s gotta be some creatively funny ways in which you could aid the Ravens during this rebuilding phase.  Here’s an example:

If I was given the job, the first thing I’d do is make Jonathan Ogden shave his head.  I know he has the toe issue and putting pressure on it can’t be a good thing.  Has anyone considered the possibility that his unusually large, poorly coiffed ‘do has led to an issue of "unequal weight distribution?’  If I’m coach, the ‘do is gone.   Also, I would buy a calculator.  I realized that one of the issues with the prior offensive scheme was the inability to gain ten yards every four downs.  I think perhaps the problem has been one of addition.  Someone needs to be on the sideline adding up the numbers 2+3+2 which would show that after three such plays you are still short of a first down.  I think the calculator would help remind me to call a pass play of sufficient distance to move the sticks.   Another thing I’d do as head coach is to SEVERELY PUNISH FALSE START PENALTIES, DEFENSIVE OFFSIDES AND UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT FLAGS.   Any player called for any of the above infractions would be subjected to the horror of having to sit under Jonathan Ogden before he’s had a shower,  be forced to wear a cone hat that says "I’m either stupid or selfish or both", and would have their talk show license revoked.

I have plenty of other ideas but we want to hear from you.  So let’s go guys- TELL US WHAT YOU WOULD DO IF YOU WERE RAVENS HEAD COACH!

Officially now the prize is 4 free tickets to Magoobys Joke House for any non-special event show and $25 to use towards food and drinks.  

Below are a few of the submissions we’ve received thus far:

Re: COMEDY ALERT!! Wanna Be Ravens Head Coach?    By Mr. Angelos on 1/2/2008 11:01 PM
This is tough because I liked Billicks offense that went by the following names.<br>1. 1st and Long<br>2. 3 and out<br>3. Back in 3 hours<br>4. Keep Koch Warm<br>5.Help Wanted<br><br>The 1st thing that I would do is give Mason,,Rolle and BARRRTT SCOOTTT A PINK PACIFIER to suck on during the game instead of mouthpieces.Can you imagine Bart picking up a flag and flinging it into the stands with a pink pacifier in his mouth?Tired of there Damned crying. I was concerned with some of Stovers attempts this year so I would have his eyes screened and his equalibrium checked out because he’s gonna fall FORWARD one of these times prior to a fg.I just know it.Something is going on with that body language.My man Ray,he has as much rythm as Elaine on Seinfeld does so I would have a WILD Samoan set his hiney on fire prior to his pre-game entrance.He would show us some unique moves I am sure. I would hire my good friend who has coached pop warner ball for 20 years in Owings Mills to run the Offense with his outstanding variations of The Winged T package. You want 1st downs right?You want to cut down on Sacks right? Damn Right!Okay, then beggars can’t be choosers- holmes.I would have stable placed in Westminster for Mr. Heap along with an illegal alien to work it and keep him company. If his ailing hamstring continues to be a problem and if this thoroughbred can’t run next year we will have to put him down. <br>Most importantly at my sit down with the entire roster I would have my special assistant to the assistant pass out and have each player sign for the LATEST VERSION OF THE STOP SNITCHING VIDEO. The only back stabbing and capping on this team is gonna be done by me and not my players.I was born in B-More,I fled Bmore and I watch THE WIRE<br><br>As for Bill Cowher,There is no love loss between The Rooney’s and himself.He did not like the way Grimm or Whisenhunt were treated.He would love to stick it to Blitzburgh.I just hope that he is willing to coach again and coach here.<br>

Re: COMEDY ALERT!! Wanna Be Ravens Head Coach?    By Brendan from Ellicot City on 1/2/2008 11:53 PM
The first thing I would do if I was the head coach of the Ravens is hire Matt Cavanaugh as my offensive Coordiantor. The second thing i would do is find a new nickname for training camp also named after a dessert. Camp Cupcake always sounded a little creepy. How about Camp Herr’s Barbeque Cheese Curls? Now thats a snack worth naming a training camp after. Also I would destroy any tapes of me appearing on game shows in the 70’s. Billick never recovered from his appearance on Match Game 77, nor did he live down Richard Dawson’s labeling him as a ‘loser’. I would make it a rule to use the phrase ‘take a leap of faith’ sparingly, mainly used for believing in cancer cures and not for believing that Scott "Golden Coral" Mitchell would make a talented QB. I hope to go forward within the parameters of what the defense gives me and take what I can from all my losses.

Rob Long breaks from his afternoon show for Casey who has breaking news from 1 Winning Drive… a new Ravens’ coach is being introduced at a live press conference.<br><br>First, I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Todd and I live in Upper Fells Point. I would like to thank Mr. Bisciotti and Mr. Cass for this tremendous opportunity. As Jay Glazer reported last night, Mr. Cass spoke to several of my relatives who are very excited about my hiring. Therefore, I would like to confirm that I too am very excited. I’m sure many of you are surprised by my hiring and wonder about my credentials. I realize that I have no coaching experience, so I’ve sought counsel from my fellow NFL coaches to determine what makes a winning coach. It’s obvious that a winning coach must wear a sweatshirt with sleeves cut off by a dull pair of scissors. I’m fully committed to that attire and will take it one step further by also cutting my sweatpants at mid-thigh. I also want the fans to know that I hear them and value their opinion. You’ll notice that Ozzie Newsome is not up here. Ozzie has been replaced by an applause meter. From this day forward on draft day, we will measure the fans applause to determine who we will draft. A note to potential draft picks. If you have a hot girlfriend (ala Jessica Simpson), you may want to have her sit next to you on draft day to ensure a loud response. I’ve also been told by my fellow coaches that the Ravens are undisciplined. From my tv-watching experience, there is no one better qualified to bring discipline to this team than the Nanny. Thankfully, the Nanny is available has offered her services. As for addressing the team’s needs, I first plan to cut off Matt Stover’s kicking leg with a chain saw on the first day of training camp. I call this the George Bush shock and awe method. The team will be shocked that the Ravens’ biggest offensive weapon has been eliminated and awed by the amount of power conferred upon me by Mr. Bisciotti. I’m sorry Matt, but you are an enabler to the offense and its pitiful touchdown output. It is also apparent that the offense has become subconsciously afraid of the endzone. In order to make the enzone more appealing, I have asked HGTV to come in and design the endzone to look like a radio broadcast set. The uprights on the goalposts will also be painted to resemble two large microphones. Finally, I am bringing in a new offensive scheme, which I have dubbed "the strat-o-matic vibration mis-direction". At this point, I would ask you all to view the screen beside me and the highlights from my 1972 strat-o-matic championship victory over my brother. You will notice that my brother’s defense is highly confused over my bunch-up then separate offense. Notice how many of my brother’s defensive players seem to be going in circles.<br><br>Finally, I wish to address my salary. As many of you know, Mr. Bisciotti was deeply hurt by the criticism he took for changing his mind and firing Brian. Mr. Bisciotti is no longer changing his mind and asks that all his employees also no longer change their mind or go back on their word. Therefore, I wish to annouce that I am the first head coach to work for free. Apparently, in my enthusiasm for being interviewed, I said I’d be so happy to be coach that I’d do it for free. I want you all to know that I am a man of my word.<br><br>Lastly, I want to thank the Ungers for their support and wish to see you all at Magoobys where I will be celebrating my new hiring (shameless plug). See you all in Westminster!!!

I STILL can’t understand how a highly-intelligent, highly-motivated, obviously over-qualified, Superbowl winning , head coach such as my…er…Billick be considered a "problem". Although,I can’t dwell on that. Our focus is going forward. Let’s see. I would have tremendous faith in Kyle. Schematically, I would play within the parameters of the Raven’s profile. I would defy conventional thinking. I would discover our offensive identity. But at the end of the day, you all have to realize that it is what it is.

"I would like to announce my choice to be the next head coach of my Baltimore Ravens, but first some background on my selelction. I needed to pick a hall of fame coach, a man who has had great success and spawned the careeres of other successful coaches. He is a person who is well known for his offensive genius and great organizational skills. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you the head coach of the Baltimore Ravens….the late Bill Walsh!!!!!!"