What time is it? It’s memo time…

October 17, 2007 | Drew Forrester

Memo to Bill Belichick:

I wonder if you would have tried that score-in-the-last-20-seconds-when-you’re-ahead-by-14 crap if the Cowboys were in your division and you had to play them again in December?

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Memo to Leo Mazzone:

What a welcome relief that phone call was, huh?

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Memo to everyone reading this:

If the Rockies sweep the American League representative in the World Series, that will give them 25 wins in their final 26 games of the baseball season. And that, my friends, will be the single greatest “team sports” accomplishment of my generation … Yes, better than the ’72 Dolphins and better than the 1980 U.S. Olympic Hockey Team. 25 wins in 26 games … in the heat of “playoff fever” and in the postseason. Nothing tops that. But sweeping either Cleveland or Boston will be a tough task, of course.

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Memo to A-Rod:

If you have any balls at all, you’ll take what the Yankees offer you and go back there and win a World Series title with them. You owe that to Steinbrenner, who pulled you out of that hell-hole in Texas and brought you to the best sports city in America and handed you the keys to the franchise. Man-up Alex … let’s see how big they really are.

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Memo to Kyle Boller:

The stats say you’re a homer. In your career, an 89% QB rating, 24 TDs and 12 INTs at home … and a 58% QB rating and a 5-11 record on the road … more interceptions, fumbles and stumbles-and-bumbles than we care to remember … you can change a lot of that on Sunday in Buffalo if you can commandeer the Ravens to a road win … hint: just pretend you’re playing in Baltimore.

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Memo to Ken Whisenhunt:

It’s not Pittsburgh anymore, huh pal? That’s a serious culture of losing you’ve inherited in Phoenix. Good luck.

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Memo to Andy MacPhail:

Try the humane approach with Mike Flanagan. Just bring him in, get his direct-deposit information and let him go already. This stringing him along bit and having him tell people, “I just needed a few days off” as an explanation for not attending the meetings in Sarasota is so bush-league it’s not even funny. Go ahead and fire the guy, pay him, and move on. Damn, MacPhail’s only been there since June and he’s already mastered the art of mistreating people. Must be something in the water at the Warehouse.

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Memo to the BCS committee:

I don’t care what the computers say. If you have South Freakin’ Florida as a top 5 team in the country, you should just shut down the season and take the next 10 months to figure out a better ranking system. I’d love to see them play Southern California (38-14 loss), LSU (44-10 loss) and Ohio State (28-13 loss). They’d get the Cleat of Reality right up their sunny back-side.

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Memo to Navy Head Coach Paul Johnson:

Position available: Touchdown coordinator. Apply to Baltimore Ravens, c/o Brian Billick.

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Memo to Ramon Hernandez:

You have a lot of nerve, amigo. ”Mazzone was a different guy,” you said. How about you? How many games out of 162 did you break a sweat?

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Memo to Tony Romo:

That introduction to the Cleat of Reality was much needed for you and the rest of America who thought maybe you all would throw a scare into the Patriots. Not quite. At least you guys made betting on the Super Bowl easy if it turns out to be Dallas-New England in February.

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Memo to Marvin Lewis:

If you’re not on the hot seat, you probably should be. Get a defense, already.

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Memo to Kevin Behan, recently departed member of the O’s PR staff:

I bet you’re REALLY gonna miss that place, huh?

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Memo to Brian Urlacher:

Call the cops. I think Adrian Peterson just ran through your front yard and stole your defense’s pride.

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Memo to Eric Byrnes:

You had two games at home against the Rockies. You lost both of them. You had two games in Colorado. You lost both of them.  That pretty much proves your team is NOT better than Colorado. Whatever happened to just saying, “Damn, they played awfully well over those four games and they were better than us this week”??

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Memo to Brian Billick:

Just for kicks … purely just for kicks … if you guys are up 17-3 with 3 minutes left on Sunday in Buffalo, try a 71-yard field goal.  That would be some funny s***.

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Memo to Tom Brady:

Dude, nobody should be that good.

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Memo to Jonathan Ogden:

Give it a try one more time. If it’s not better, hang ‘em up. You have nothing to prove, big man. We’ll miss you. But your ability to walk when you’re 50 is more important than the last nine games of this football season.

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