Winner of the ‘Wanna Be Ravens Head Coach’ Contest!

January 12, 2008 |

We want to thank the fifty or so people who either commented on the blogs or emailed us with ideas for what they would do if they became head coach of the Ravens.  This morning, on our show, Andrew and I had the privilege of interviewing new Ravens head coach, Knute Fishfry (recently the offensive coordinator for the Reisterstown Rec Council Raiders) and he seems to have some great ideas on how to turn the Ravens around.   He told us it all starts with good office supplies.  He claimed Billick’s desk was a mess and promises, among other things, new file folders, pencils and, since it appeared the “left hand didn’t know what the right hand was doing” he will write a giant ”L” on his left hand and an “R” on his right to help himself remember.

He also shared with us his plan to allow WNST listeners to add valuable input during the season.  Bob from Parkville will be allowed to call plays and, given his affinity for Johnny Unitas, an idea was hatched to scrape DNA from Unitas’ kids and use it to grow a brand new Johnny Unitas in a petri dish.  It’s unknown when this clone will be available to start, but Coach Fishfry is hopeful the plan will produce the quarterback the Ravens so desperately need.

Fishfry, a strong proponent of intimidation tactics, plans to utlilize the “unsportsmanlike” conduct penalty as a weapon.  He hopes to instill fear in Raven’s opponents by portraying his team as a bunch of loose cannon thugs who might snap at any moment.  In fact, at home games, live machine gun rounds will be fired over the heads of the away team as they take the field.  More of our exclusive interview with Coach Knute Fishfry will be available on the site shortly.

Now… onto the contest winner! 

After eliminating the nasty comments about us, we narrowed the list down to three.  Honorable mentions go to “Phil” and “Oscar Madison”.  However the winner is…

FLOWBEE!  Here’s Flowbee’s winning entry:

Rob Long breaks from his afternoon show for Casey who has breaking news from 1 Winning Drive… a new Ravens’ coach is being introduced at a live press conference.<br><br>First, I’d like to introduce myself. My name is Todd and I live in Upper Fells Point. I would like to thank Mr. Bisciotti and Mr. Cass for this tremendous opportunity. As Jay Glazer reported last night, Mr. Cass spoke to several of my relatives who are very excited about my hiring. Therefore, I would like to confirm that I too am very excited. I’m sure many of you are surprised by my hiring and wonder about my credentials. I realize that I have no coaching experience, so I’ve sought counsel from my fellow NFL coaches to determine what makes a winning coach. It’s obvious that a winning coach must wear a sweatshirt with sleeves cut off by a dull pair of scissors. I’m fully committed to that attire and will take it one step further by also cutting my sweatpants at mid-thigh. I also want the fans to know that I hear them and value their opinion. You’ll notice that Ozzie Newsome is not up here. Ozzie has been replaced by an applause meter. From this day forward on draft day, we will measure the fans applause to determine who we will draft. A note to potential draft picks. If you have a hot girlfriend (ala Jessica Simpson), you may want to have her sit next to you on draft day to ensure a loud response. I’ve also been told by my fellow coaches that the Ravens are undisciplined. From my tv-watching experience, there is no one better qualified to bring discipline to this team than the Nanny. Thankfully, the Nanny is available has offered her services. As for addressing the team’s needs, I first plan to cut off Matt Stover’s kicking leg with a chain saw on the first day of training camp. I call this the George Bush shock and awe method. The team will be shocked that the Ravens’ biggest offensive weapon has been eliminated and awed by the amount of power conferred upon me by Mr. Bisciotti. I’m sorry Matt, but you are an enabler to the offense and its pitiful touchdown output. It is also apparent that the offense has become subconsciously afraid of the endzone. In order to make the enzone more appealing, I have asked HGTV to come in and design the endzone to look like a radio broadcast set. The uprights on the goalposts will also be painted to resemble two large microphones. Finally, I am bringing in a new offensive scheme, which I have dubbed “the strat-o-matic vibration mis-direction”. At this point, I would ask you all to view the screen beside me and the highlights from my 1972 strat-o-matic championship victory over my brother. You will notice that my brother’s defense is highly confused over my bunch-up then separate offense. Notice how many of my brother’s defensive players seem to be going in circles.<br><br>Finally, I wish to address my salary. As many of you know, Mr. Bisciotti was deeply hurt by the criticism he took for changing his mind and firing Brian. Mr. Bisciotti is no longer changing his mind and asks that all his employees also no longer change their mind or go back on their word. Therefore, I wish to annouce that I am the first head coach to work for free. Apparently, in my enthusiasm for being interviewed, I said I’d be so happy to be coach that I’d do it for free. I want you all to know that I am a man of my word.<br><br>Lastly, I want to thank the Ungers for their support and wish to see you all at Magoobys where I will be celebrating my new hiring (shameless plug). See you all in Westminster!!!

We have to admit that mentioning both Magooby’s and Stratomatic football circa 1972 helped seal the deal but this entry was, indeed, the most creative.  Flowbee, you need to email us at to claim your prize!