Tiger Pulls One Left

December 01, 2009 | Tom Federline

In case you have been in a cave the past five days, good ole Tiger “can do nothing wrong” Woods, pulled an “un-Tigeresque” move early Friday morning, by slamming his Escalade into a fire hydrant, then a large tree. My first reaction was, aw – he’s human, he was just in an altered state of mind, he made a mistake, let it lie. Then by the hour, then by the day, it started to get intriguing and sad. Was it media over-hype? You betcha. Was it Tiger claiming “mulligan” while waiting for some well paid advice? You betcha. Was it more evidence of how screwed up our society is? You betcha.

As the stories and rumors unfolded, I just kept shaking my head in disgust. Oh poor Tiger, what have you done? What were you thinking? Were you thinking? Or were you just being human (of which 90% of the golf analysts have a hard time believing). Oh Tiger, what is going to happen with that 128 million dollar a year salary? Say what? Do the math, that’s $350,000.00 per day. It was then I started feeling less sorry for poor Tiger. By then it was, aw – he just had a “disagreement” with his wife and had to leave the house. But then it started to blow up.

There was an accident, police and medical assistance was called to the scene. A fire hydrant is plowed over, a tree is crashed into, windows in the vehicle had been smashed, but no air bags had deployed and the driver was taken to a hospital. Then police want to question the driver, Tiger Woods (TW), about what exactly happened. TW (day 1) – “No, I don’t want to talk about it.” TW (day 2) – “No, I don’t want to talk about it.” Day 3, day 4, same response. The heat is breathing down Tigers neck, but TW does not let his fan base down, “I’ll write a response on my webpage for everyone to read.” What the heck am I missing here? I am not verse in Florida law, but if there has been an accident and potential crimes committed, isn’t the local law enforcement due some answers? I guess the law is different if you make $350,000.00 a day. Could you imagine if one of us had tried to pull this stunt off and told some of Baltimores finest – “I do not want to talk about it, come back tomorrow.”

Then (TW) comes off with, “I want to keep it private.” Hey TW, when you left your house and your driveway that night, it became “un-private.” When you signed gazillion dollar deals for endorsements to the worlds population and companies invest gazillion dollars on your persona, your life became “un-private”.

Oh poor Tiger, it seems as if someone has “Got A Tiger by the Tail” – (Buck Owens – you guys are gonna love that one). Is it your wife? After a brawl in the fairway corridor of your home, your fashion super model Swiss wife chased after you with your $10,000 six-iron, blowing out the windows of your $100,000 Escalade because you were allegedly out exploring other “putting greens”………..does that make you human after all? If TW’s wife were really trying to save him, why didn’t she just use the other set of Escalade keys? Or was TW just upset that his $20,000 Turkey dinner wasn’t cooked right earlier in the day? Or was TW upset that the water pressure wasn’t strong enough to provide pulsating jets of hot water in his $40,000 hot tub? Or didn’t TW like that tree in his neighbors yard because that was the only tree in the world he couldn’t get that white ball over with his $10,000 six-iron? Noone knows and as of this typing it appears noone will.

Why didn’t TW come out and tell the truth? Because it probably would have hurt; himself, his family, the public eye and his wallet. In this day and age of misguided “star worship” and misdirected “salary compensation”, our society has made us all pawns of the system. And the system is money driven.

Some good will come of this. I heard Jim Nantz and Peter Oosterhaus are holding candle light vigils outside the locked gates of Tigers neighborhood, anticipating TW surfacing out of the fog and blessing the world with his presence and his voice. I also heard the Golf Channel is holding a Tiger Woods Telethon for research into why Escalades veer to the left while being driven by a billion dollar golden boy who is being chased by a jealous supermodel wife wailing a $10,000 six iron.

Stop the presses – I just heard that Tiger may-be-out-of the-Woods. At least on the law enforcement side. No charges, no questions, a $126.00 fine. Something tells me, this may linger awhile. Isn’t it amazing what $350,000.00 a day can buy you?