If the Bonds ball gets an *…Gaylord gets a loogy

September 26, 2007 | Drew Forrester

So, the “public” has decided that the Barry Bonds home run ball gets an asterisk* on it, huh?  The Hall of Fame – in dire need for any kind of publicity they can get for 51 weeks out of the year – must be hard-up for attention if they’re going to take the ball from this clown who caught it – and display it in Cooperstown with an * on it.

It must be about publicity, right?

It can’t be about FAIRNESS.

If the Hall of Fame execs want to make it all fair, then they need to immediately cough up the biggest loogy they can and promptly spit it on the face of Gaylord Perry’s plaque at Cooperstown.

That would be fair.  And that hunk of spit dangling from Perry’s chin will serve to remind us all that Perry broke the rules to get batters out.  It’s OK to cheat to get BATTERS out, I guess.  But it’s not OK to cheat to hit BALLS out.  Confused?  Of course you are.  But that’s what baseball has mastered over the years.  Double-standards and confusing the fans.

Gaylord Perry cheated.  He’s in.  No * on any of his stuff, right?  Why is that?  Oh, I know, it’s because he “cheated”, but in a weird, our-society-is-always-looking-for-a-loophole-kind-of-way, people look at Perry’s cheating as “acceptable” because it’s more like chicanery and less like breaking the rules.  Someone will e-mail me with that bullsh*t, I’m sure.  Or, someone will say, “throwing the spitball is just like the hidden ball trick…it’s just old school baseball tom foolerly.”  And, I’ll call “bullsh*t” on that too if you e-mail me the same nonsense.  You can’t get kicked out of the game for the hidden ball trick.  If the umpires catch you doctoring the ball, you get the heave-ho and, likely, a suspension from MLB.

Why is that?  Oh, that’s right, because doctoring the ball is cheating.  In Gaylord Perry’s case, he was white, and cheated, so that made it all OK, I guess.

So, the Bonds Hall of Fame ball gets to New York by way of an * in San Francisco.  If I’m Bonds, I call those stuffed suits in Cooperstown and say, “you put that ball on display with an * on it and you jack-asses don’t get one other piece of my memorabilia to display…EVER.”

Why not?  Everyone in the country already thinks Bonds is rude, abrasive and a semi-non-comformist.  Might as well stay in character and threaten the Hall of Fame, right?

By the way, I’ll nip one more potential e-mail in the bud.  I KNOW BARRY BONDS USED STEROIDS.  We all know it.  But for a good portion of Bonds’ career, the league didn’t care what you put in your body and had no hard-and-fast rules against it…to the degree that they didn’t even test for steroids until this decade.  So, yes, Bonds cheated.  The problem is, Bonds hasn’t yet been CAUGHT cheating by Major League Baseball.  Perry was caught…and later admitted to it – snickering the whole time, no doubt – in his book, post-career.

It’s so typical of major league baseball.  For five decades, they specialized in figuring out a way to punish the black player and allow the good old white boy to get away unscathed.  Don’t think that’s true?  Two words for you:  Ty Cobb.

At least they’re letting Bonds play in the league now.  Thank God he wasn’t born in 1920, we wouldn’t even know his name.

Go ahead, ship the ball off to Cooperstown with an * on it.  That will just serve to further remind everyone who goes to the Hall of Fame that cheating ISN’T black and white.  Some types of cheating are OK.  Other kinds of cheating aren’t OK.  It’s not black and white.  Or, is it?

Sure seems like it is to me.