Handing Out Some GIFTS …..

December 26, 2008 |

Hey, it’s time for “Snider Claus” to handout gifts to some very deserving souls.  These aren’t just typical gifts, either.  I’m talking about very fitting and meaningful tokens for one’s pleasure.  No ponies or Ipods here ….. just good ‘ole-fashioned stuff ….

Joe Flacco – it’s simple, your gift is ANYTHING YOU WANT !!!!

Scott Boras – a “Get Out Of Hell” Free Card ….. I gotta feeling you’ll need it.

President-Elect Obama – the ability to quit smoking.  Do it for your little girls.

Brian Roberts – a divorce is inevitable.  I hope you play for a contender at some point, in 2009.

Haloti Ngata – you got screwed, bro.  I’m sending you to Belize for a week – it’s prettier than Hawaii.

Sarah Palin – you deserve to be treated nicely – I hope you get your “life” back.

Michael Phelps – I’l give you some anonimity – hometowm kid or not, these “15 minutes” are over. 

Steve Bisciotti – a hope that you’ll reach peace and fellowship with “you know who”.

Britney Spears – a spot for you under my tree ???

Dale Earnhardt Jr. – an end to questions about your dad.

Matt Weiters – a spot on the Norfolk roster – it’s the right thing to do.

Robert Downey Jr. – the ability to share sobriety with others.  You made it ….. congrats !!!!

Daniel Cabrera – I dunno ….. the ability to figure IT out ???

Kyle Boller – a new home and a fresh start ….. as the backup in New England ???

President Bush – regardless of my personal beliefs, a debt of gratitude for 8 years serving your country.

Andy MacPhail – a hearty pat on the back, for abstaining from this abortion known as the Mark Teixeira sweepstakes.

John Harbaugh – whatever they give the NFL’s “Coach Of The Year.”

Eddie Van Halen – my personal thanks, for coming back to BALTIMORE.

Erik Bedard – forget it ….. you’re no longer our problem.

Mike Mussina – a plaque in Cooperstown.  You’re a Hall Of Famer.

John McCain – a nice long vacation —- thanks for serving, sir.

Peter Angelos – an invitation to join the Sunday Morning Blitz – PLEASE !!!!

Michael Vick – one last shot ….. and some humility.

Jason Statham – first crack at playing Rex Snider in “Sunday Morning Blitz – The Movie”.

Ray Lewis – a final 3 years to your Baltimore legacy.

Tampa Bay Rays – back to back World Series births.  I’m not rooting for the Yankees or Red Sox.

Michael Buble’ – what do you get the world’s best vocalist ???

O.J. Brigance – a personal victory …..

Tiger Woods – you’re bigger than the game.  Here’s to a healthy 2009.

Jason Jubb – some real special Daddy-Time ….. okay, and a bad Fantasy season !!!!

Anika Sorenstam – a happy retirement and a hope to see you modeling – you’re hot.

Hines Ward – a sucker punch, squarely on the side of your chin.

Producer Katie Browne – more ink ???  Or, how about a nerdy boyfriend ???

Terrell Suggs – a big, fat contract.  Don’t forget me ……

Jason Giambi – a spot on the 2009 Orioles ….. I’m deferring to Drew on this one.  It’s short-term.

Jennifer Aniston – a skimpy “I LOVE THE SUNDAY MORNING BLITZ” tube shirt

Tom Brady – a healthy leg ???

Brian Cashman – a ride on the “Karma Train” ….. you’re killing the integrity of this game’s structure.

Hannah Montana – Miley Cyrus, whatever !!!!  ….. please just go away ….. PLEASE !!!!!

Dave Trembley – a “bearable” 2009 season.  Honestly, this is gonna be a tough one.

Ed Reed – where do they put the team’s MVP award ???

American Idol Fans – well, your gift is less than a month away.

Jeff Gordon – a return of the “Magic,” in 2009.

Peyton Manning – a really bad game, in January.

The Pimp Daddies & MARCRA Leagues – I got your freaking presents – LOOK OUT, in 2009 !!!!

And Finally ……

Mark Teixeira – some humility, bro.  For the last few days, the Orioles have suffered an immeasurable “pulling down of their pants,” thanks to you.  They were in a NO WIN situation.  If they bent and did the stupidest thing possible ….. like give a guy who isn’t even among the “TOP 10 PLAYERS” in the game a behemoth contract, they would have been doomed. 

A few years down the road, they would have been financially ruined, because by 2012, the likes of Nick Markakis, Adam Jones and Matt Wieters will be BETTER than you.  And, the Orioles would have been obligated to reward them, as they approached free agency.  Every talkshow host can beatup Andy MacPhail, but he can’t give nearly $200 million to 4 guys !!!!

If nothing else, YOU – MARK TEIXEIRA, owe the fans of this city some words of kindness.  They longed for you, like giddy girls over teen heartthrobs.  And, you spurned them without a single “thanks ….. I’m flattered.”  The flirtation manufactured by yourself and the “Son of Satan” (aka Scott Boras) did nothing less than widen the divide between the fan base and the Orioles.  I thought you were an Orioles fan?

Here’s a little secret, Mark ….. you can’t take IT with you, bro.  But, hanging and running with a cat like Boras might very well determine which direction you head, when you do go !!!!  A preacher, I’m not.  And, I’ve got my own wrongs to overcome.  But, selfish is SELFISH.  And, greed is GREED.

Here’s your gift, buddy.  It’s a wish your stay in New York is as comforatble as those experienced by Randy Johnson, Kenny Rogers and a few others.  You didn’t owe this city an agreement to play here – the team is HORRIBLE.  However, you do owe them some “thanks” ….. they really wanted you.

Is there a more fitting gift …….