Philly Itis Comes to Baltimore

July 05, 2012 | Ryan Kirby

My most regrettable decision occurred when I chose to live in the cesspool of Philadelphia for a year.  Apart from being set up with a craigslist room mate who consumed an entire pepperoni pizza and mozzarella sticks for dinner every evening, I was surrounded by and could not escape the horribly irritating Philadelphia sports scene.  Awhile back, there was the story about the kid that made himself vomit on a child at the Phillies game — this is the epitome of the Philadelphia sports fan.

Now seeing these Pennsylvanian troglodytes roaming the streets like drunken slob zombies is one thing, but actually having to listen to them on the local sports radio station was truly torture.  They would call in and mumble about Chase Utley in an accent that made a New Jersey accent seem desirable.  But, the one thing that stood out the most was the bizarre and nonsensical things the callers would say.  They would propose trades such as obtaining Albert Pujols in exchange for the Eagles Offensive Line and the Wachovia Center.  When you start making trades that cross into other sports or begin proposing to trade an actual piece of architecture in exchange for a human, its time to put down the cheez whiz flavored vodka.

Now that Baltimore is finally competitive again in baseball, it seems that we are now beginning to get a taste of Philly Itis.  In recent weeks, I’ve heard on the radio that Bisciotti needed to sign Adam Jones, we needed to trade Matt Weiters, and that the Orioles should obtain Dwight Howard (*ahem, Glenn, *ahem).  None of these ideas are clever or even remotely humorous.  Hey, hurr hurr, there is a good athlete that does one sport, hur hurr, maybe we get him to play another sport, hurr hurr.  When I hear this type of idiocy my mind immediately thinks of the worst year of my life and I envision the Philadelphia kid puker, every time a host, caller, or blogger mentions this buffoonery.   So, Baltimore, do not become kid pukers.  Stop free basing Old Bay and remember to keep things in perspective, or else you will wind up consuming an entire pizza pie and cheese sticks on a regular basis.