January 26, 2009 |

Dear Rafa,

Unlucky lad, unlucky. It was a much better outing against the Toffs this time around. Me and the lads thought that was one we could’ve won. Better possession, more good opportunities. If Dirkie had’ve had his shooting head on, it was off to the fifth round for us. But none of us are too upset about another derby. It’s like Christmas in February. Minus the annoying in-laws and underwear that doesn’t fit.

Have you talked to Pepe yet? What is he on about, the Toffees having the advantage. We never pegged him for the psychological type. Mental, yes. Psychological, no. Did you put him up to this? Because he has to know that we’ve been better on the road this year, and maybe with Everton opening up a bit at home, we might be able to slide a few in on the counter – as long as we don’t go down early.

Which brings us to our next point.

It seems a bit out of the ordinary for a scholar of the game, such as yourself, to allow the same geezer from the similar situation – and not even a week later – to punish us again. We all appreciate the successes you have had from zonal marking, but in this particular situation a large-and-lovely fella in red might’ve been a nice companion for Mr. Cahill to the Corner Ball. For the entire evening. And to this point, one of the lasses wants to know if it’s still kosher for managers to “suggest” that defenders kick some of the extra energy off center forwards that have proven to be nuisances?

As a mob, we’re concerned about Dutch Chocolate, really. It seems like his confidence is in the loo. Six months ago it would’ve been more than just Hibbert’s tuck money he’d’ve taken. Ever think about giving him Robbie’s spot for a few games. He can’t be any worse.

Also, before you send Robbie back to Tottenham, can you get us a signed jersey? One of the lads’ missus’ fancies him. Our lad doesn’t much want it,  he just thinks it’ll be worth a few quid when Keano gets the sack. Can you get it in red? None of us like the away strips. Not even his missus.

You worried us a bit when you had Lucas up and about. But when we didn’t see him again, we thought that you might’ve sent him to fetch you a cuppa. Or for a hair tie that maybe wasn’t as tight.

What happens when a team from the Middle East buys us? Do we have to get rid of Benny Onion? Will petrol be cheaper for us and more expensive for the Toffs? Will me missus still be able to come to home games? I can’t remember what it was like without her there screaming at everyone.

Anyway, we know you’ve got a squad to manage/fob off to the highest bidder. Good luck against the Latics on Wednesday.


The lads and lasses at Box 21231.