You get props……
1-Calvin Borel and Rachel Alexandra
I’ve already shared my thoughts on the infield, so let’s talk about the damn race. You think Calvin Borel knew he was going to win this race? Compare his reaction above to his emotions after winning the Derby…..
He seemed DISAPPOINTED after the win on Saturday!!! The best thing about what happened Saturday is that it sets up the ultimate “Battle of the Sexes” for the Belmont; and as we all know, Boys rule and Girls Drool.
2-Rich Hill, Danys Baez, Jim Johnson, and George Sherrill
Rich Hill is going to 7-8 this season (and might be the Orioles’ best pitcher); but I can already see this commercial debuting in August.
“My defining moment? They said Andy MacPhail didn’t know what he was doing; but on a Saturday night in Kansas City, Rich Hill was the MAN! Jose Guillen, David DeJesus? They had no answer for my guy Rich Hill, who came off the DL and gutted the Birds into the 6th. And what did Baez, Johnson, and Sherrill do to chose things out? Try no hits! How do you spell stopper? O-R-I-O-L-E-S!”
Only MASN could make a completely forgettable game in the midst of another miserable season into something that people are forced to watch on TV. But when you’re used to having your pitchers give you efforts that regularly fair to give the Birds even a remote chance to win; I guess the effort Hill and the pen gave was pretty big.
3-Bobby Lashley and Andre Ward
Andre Ward beat Edison Miranda. When he wins another gold medal, please let me know. Until then, I’ll be following a certain former Marine and former ECW Champion who is getting ready to face Bob Sapp next. Mike Cook said in a press conference last week before their MFC fight that former pro grappler would…..ahem….”(poop) in his pants” after Cook hit him. Instead, well, this happened…..
…..that fight lasted for a shorter time than I did the first time I than a fight is supposed to. Lashley kicks ass, and Mike Cook would be more relevant to me if his name was actually “My Cook” and he could prepare barbeque chicken for me.
While poking around Sherdog for info on the fight, I happened to come across this picture of Olaf Alfonso; who lost a fight last week. There’s no relevance to the picture, but if you found it; wouldn’t you feel the need to share it too?
4-Roger Federer and Andre Agassi
This is why I love Andre Agassi. Those European snotwads Federer and Nadal could play the greatest match of all time (and they arguably have); but if Andre Agassi shows up somewhere and even as much as sneezes, the entire world cares much more about that. After 132 events known as “The Rain Delay: Wimbledon”, those limey Brits finally figured out how to keep rain out of their house. Build a roof! 132 years of rain to figure out that you should build a roof? I believe the Brits are what we like to call “slow learners.” Agassi and wife Steffi Graf showed up to celebrate, and I could lie to you and tell you that I know what happened, but who cares. Andre Agassi was there! Why wasn’t I?
5-Jake Arrieta, David Hernandez and Chris Richard
On Friday night, Adam Eaton allowed 7 runs in 5 innings. On Saturday, Arrieta and Hernandez combined to go 12 innings of shutout ball. But Adam Eaton is good and all…….
Former Oriole Chris Richard hit 2 grand slams in 1 game for the Durham Bulls Friday; making him the most successful Durham Bull since……
I think I’ve finally figured out the jealous obsession people in this city have with Michael Phelps. You see, when you meet a girl like this who works at Scores, she convinces you to tip her $500 bucks, then has a 450 pound brute kick you out when you place a fingertip on her ankle. When Michael Phelps meets that same girl at Scores, he goes back and has a 3 way with her and her hot friend following hours of pot and online poker.
Phelps swam this weekend in Charlotte (presumably since there were no late night brothels open with all you can smoke pot bars and No Limit Hold ‘Em in the Tar Heel State), and won two gold medals, finished 2nd in two others, and didn’t bother to race in the other. He then slept with the entire staff of the Hustler Club and high-fived Joe Flacco on his way out. Suck it Baltimore, his life is better than ours.
NASCAR had an All-Star Race, and televised the thing on SPEED. And for some reason, all I can think of is the time on Saved By The Bell when Jessie Spano admitted to Zack Morris that she was abusing speed pills…..
You remember the first time you discovered No Dos? I don’t think they did a damn thing but I stayed up for something like 8 straight days in college. Jessie Spano did it so she could keep her grades up, study for the SAT’s, perform at the talent show, be the class president, and be a good girlfriend. I did it so I could eat pizza and play Gran Turismo with my roommate. But to each their own.
8-Clayton Kershaw, Roy Halladay, Jake Peavy and Zack Greinke
There were a lot of good pitching performances (none by anyone who pitches for the Orioles) this weekend, but NONE of them were as impressive as Bryan Fuller, who threw 21 scoreless innings for Campbellsville University at the NAIA level.
A Wikipedia search points out that Campbellsville’s previously most successful alum is a man named John Carney, who is serving in the Kentucky House of Representatives despite the fact that he goes by the name “Bam.”
Only in Kentucky.
9-Ned Crotty, Shamel Bratton, Kenny Nims, and Rocco Romero
The Final Four in Foxborough with ZERO teams from the state of Maryland? On the same weekend when half the normal crowd showed up for Preakness? Is there anything in Baltimore that we’re still good at????? (I mean, besides murder and STD’s. We RULE at murder and STD’s!)
10-Dan Cleary and Michael Nuvirth
I can’t figure out whether or not I should root for the Hershey Bears. I mean, on the one hand-they’re the Caps’ farm team; and I hate Washington sports teams. But on the other hand, they’re from the place that brought us Reese’s Pieces and the Sooper Dooper Looper.
On the con side, Redskins fans are probably rooting for the Bears because they’re looking forward to seeing players like Nuvirth at the Verizon Center. But on the pro side; if you take a chick on the Hershey’s Kissing Tower, there’s no chance you’re not getting laid. Of course, if this is the girl you took to the Kissing Tower, you probably only needed to buy her a bag of Hershey’s kisses first….
I’m an ass. But son of a bitch I’m in. Go Bears!
11-Matthew Mbuta and Manchester United
How very European to be able to win a championship with a tie. Man U tied Arsenal to claim the Premier League title, just two weeks before playing for the Champions League title. Next month they’re playing for the “Totally Awesome” title, and in July they’ll go for the “Whoa dude, Kick ass!” crown.
12-Cathy Reese and Caitlyn McFadden
At least I’ll have SOME reason to watch lacrosse next weekend, as the Maryland women will be playing in the national semifinals at Unitas Stadium in Towson. What is it about chicks that go to Maryland that makes them about 1,000 times hotter in my opinion? For absolutely no reason at all, here’s a picture of Bonnie Bernstein….
And just in case Forrester is reading, here’s a pic of Shay Doron…..
13-Rick From Reisterstown
Did this idiot really give us the “Win” and “Show” for Saturday’s race????
Look, you all chose to keep him; now you probably owe him a Thank You. But don’t give it to him, he’ll only get confused.
They banned alcohol from Preakness, but they didn’t ban nudity from San Francisco’s Bay 2 Breakers run (which is really amazing actually). The people pictured above aren’t drunken revelers, but rather actual participants in an athletic competition. Of course, I often considered drunken grappling on Friday nights with my buddy Chris to be athletic competition; but the only real competition was to see who could lose more blood. Apparently this year’s race was held in such hot conditions that the runners had to be hosed down. Because it was so warm. And sexy.
Don’t look now, but for the past two weeks, Saturday Night Live has been…..you know…..good. I’d show you the Celebrity Jeopardy clip; but I can’t upload clips from Hulu, and NBC is like Nazi’s when it comes to Youtube. But the show was really funny; leading me to believe that next season Ferrell, Justin Timberlake, Alec Baldwin, The Rock, and Christopher Walken should just rotate as hosts. Or should just be the permanent cast altogether.
You got lucky……..
I stumbled upon John Harbaugh and Kyle Boller chatting in the Preakness Village Saturday afternoon; and stopped for a brief chat about horses. It was at that point that I noticed Kyle had been spending the day hanging with one Stacy Keibler; but easy does it…..he’s friends with Stacy’s husband. The reason why Kyle Boller makes my lucky list is because of what was the best thing I heard all day at Preakness. After I completely ignored she was there, Coach Harbaugh extended a greeting to my girlfriend (“The Luckiest Girl On The Face of the Planet”), saying “I’m particularly happy to meet you.” Kyle then introduced himself to her, and asked me why I hadn’t. (The answer is clearly that when men are present and football is to be discussed, does it really matter if women are around? But anyway….) My girlfriend (TLGOTFOTP) humorously asked Kyle if he was excited for the next season, to which he said “It will be exciting to be in a new place.” I explained to my lovely girlfriend that Kyle had signed with the Rams, to which she looked at him and said……
“Why’d we get rid of you? You’re CUTE!”
Line of the day. And while I’d like to argue with her, we all know she’s right…..
You might remember Zach Johnson as “that guy who won that Golf Tournament I watched because I thought Tiger Woods was gonna win”, but he’s got a pretty good career of his own going. For example……….his name is Zach Johnson, and that’s much easier to pronounce than…..say……Shingo Katayama. Johnson won the Texas Open in a playoff Sunday; and as you know, everything is bigger in Texas. Including this cross, which I had the chance to drive past on I-40 three times on the way from Maryland to Arizona….
What the hell is the point of building a 19 story cross??? I want to meet the guy that said to his buddy “Dude, my crucifixion was totally bigger than yours!”
3-Melky Cabrera, Alex Rodreguez and Johnny Damon
Of course the effing Yankees would get 3 straight walk-off wins this weekend. Because apparently I did something to anger God. Or something like that. God I hate the Yankees. And the Red Sox. And the fact that the New Yankee Stadium will have been open for a year compared to Camden Yards’ 18 at the end of the season; and there will probably a greater number of significant games played there than OPACY has ever seen.
4-Pau Gasol and Hedo Turkoglu
As I’ve said before, if you let a series get to 7 games, you’re lucky to win. But there’s nothing like a Game 7 that has all the drama of an episode of “The Hills.” The Lakers cruised from start to finish to beat the Rockets, and the Celtics could never rally against the Magic. God what I would’ve given to be in Boston this week and see those god-awful wastes of human existence after their Bruins lost a Game 7 and their Celtics lost a Game 7. I bet they looked similar to…..
Apparently Billy Evangelista was DQ’ed from his ShoMMA fight Friday night for……kicking Mike Aina’s ass too much? Aina apparently was hit with a knee that Evangelista thought was in his shoulder, while referee Herb Dean thought was to the head. It’s a shame no one could go back and look to see if Dean was right……oh yeah….they CAN….
…….well, Mike Aina has to be mighty proud of the victory he picked up this weekend; which comes not by Knockout or Submission, but instead via “crumbling like a human vegetable.” Congratulations.
Good news: You get to be known by the moniker you’ve been fighting to use.
Bad news: You fill out paperwork the wrong way, so your legal last name is not cool, but instead stupid.
7-Everyone who took a second to look at a weather report this morning
I guess this is my fault. You see, I could have sworn that the calendar in my room said “MAY”. I guess it was actually supposed to say “BLUSTERY FREEZE MONTH.” I went over to see Stevenson and Gettysburg in the D3 semifinals (bummed for the Mustang fans) wearing a polo shirt and sandals; and was nearly blown from Owings Mills back to Reisterstown. And according to the Weather Channel, it is going to dip down to 39 tomorrow night. Look, when I was living in Arizona; I remember saying to people “You know why I miss Maryland? We have FOUR seasons.” But how is it that we can have 4 seasons and not a single day during the year when you walk outside and it is 74 degrees? It will be 39 Monday night, and will inevitably be 93 by Thursday. I’m going back……
You’re a zero…….
As much as I want to laugh at this dumbass, the joke is on us. His team beat us three times. But if the Ravens had beaten them the third time, I think the NFL would have invited them to the Super Bowl instead of the Steelers.