I was gonna write something about how I actually enjoyed watching Forrest Whitaker doing Andy Samberg’s “Dick in a Box” at the MTV Movie Awards, but when I would have to admit that I watched the MTV Movie Awards. Which I refuse to do. And want the last 3 hours of my life back….
You get props…..
1. Luke Scott and Matt Wieters
Let me start by saying this. If anyone else says as much as a WORD to me about the “Baby Birds”, there will be violence involved. I get it, the Orioles called a bunch of guys up; and Matt Wieters is absolutely going to be the greatest athlete in the history of sports. No really; I thought it was awesome how he hit 10 home runs, threw a perfect game, answered the Ravens’ receiver questions, got rid of the corruption in the Dixon administration, solved the downtown violence issues, saved the Baltimore Sun, and got both sides of the argument to come together on the whole gay marriage issue during his first weekend. Okay, maybe he hasn’t done all of that yet; but trust me he’s going to. And if you don’t own this T-shirt; you’re not a good person….
As far as Luke Scott goes, please insert your own “Is he using steroids?” joke here. I’ve got too much writing left to do to waste my time…..
2. Jimmie Johnson
So they went racing in Dover Sunday, and Jimmie Johnson won. Which is just as well. I mean, who did you want to win? Jimmy Carter? I don’t think he qualified. I’ll check again though. Didn’t they call Jimmy Carter “The Georgia Peanut”? I love peanuts. I enjoy Honey Roasted peanuts. Can you really roast honey? I brought honey into the bedroom once…….but my parents yelled at me and told me that it needed to stay in the kitchen. I hope my girlfriend cleans our kitchen soon. I know she doesn’t live here, but it’s not like we’re going to clean it. I clean my ears religiously…..basically every time I’m in the bathroom. Ears are good to have, because with out them it might be tough to hear. When I was younger, I could never tell when you were supposed to write the word “hear” and when you were supposed to write the word “here.” Being young is great……I feel old a lot. Do old people still get to play Wii?
Yeah, there’s still like a half of a season left for me to try to make NASCAR jokes. I’m gonna need some suggestions.
3. Dwight Howard and Kobe Bryant
Spare me the whole “this is what ESPN/the NBA get for putting together all of those Kobe/LeBron commercials.” Seriously, got over yourself. The Orlando Magic are about as entertaining to watch as the Real World/Road Rules Challenge “The Duel II” (okay, I take it back-I’d MUCH rather watch “The Duel.” No really, the Magic are putrid to watch. I mean, here’s Dwight Howard getting fouled. Now here’s Courtney Lee hitting a 3. Now here’s Hedo Turkoglu doing something awkward. CHRIST! And don’t bother telling me about how they play “team basketball.” If I wanted to watch “team basketball”, I would’ve watched the Finals the year San Antonio and Detroit played. But I didn’t, and neither did you. And frankly, if Orlando was playing San Antonio this year; you wouldn’t watch either. But you will, because it will now give you a chance to spew about how overrated Kobe Bryant is. Because, you know, what has Kobe Bryant ever done???
I meant, what has Kobe Bryant ever done without Shaq????
Get over yourselves people.
4. Justin Verlander and Edwin Jackson
Nothing like having a lineup full of hot hitters…….you know, other than having guys on your team who can actually pitch. The Tigers turned the Orioles’ “Best Week Ever” into a 4 game road split without batting an eyelash (I cannot confirm no eyelashes were batted), thanks in part to the Orioles rolling out their usual Sunday lineup. I thought it was a little strange that this Sunday’s lineup looked like this….
CF Jerome Walton
2B Mark McLemore
3B Tony Batista
DH David Segui (pre-steroids)
1B Kevin Millar
LF Marty Cordova
RF Jay Gibbons (post-steroids)
C Geronimo Gil
SS Brandon Fahey
5. Denis Menchov
Lance Armstrong didn’t win the Giro d’Italia; and I have no idea if he was supposed to win the damn thing or not. But Denis Menchov won; which I guess is neat-because he’s a white Russian. Now here’s a picture of The Big Lebowski drinking a White Russian; mostly because I think he’s cooler than you are.
6. Desmond Armstrong, Johnny Holliday and Missy Meharg
Somehow I was again left off the list of nominees for the University of Maryland Hall of Fame this year. I’m not going to get bitter about it; because I think Desmond Armstrong, Johnny Holliday, and Missy Meharg are all very deserving. However, I’m particularly surprised THIS great Terp didn’t make the list. I introduce you to “Trey”…..
Trey is a unique candidate. His accomplishments mostly come from the field of passing out; where he holds the distinguished honor of having passed out at 74 different parties his freshman year. And it isn’t just the sheer number of times he passed out; it is also the many locations and ways he managed to pass out. He passed out three times in his own room (only once on his actual bed), 12 times elsewhere on the 6th floor of the Cumberland building (3 of those times someone actually noticed he was missing), and 14 times total in his actual building. He’s also passed out in 4 other dorm buildings on campus, as well as once inside the Diner after day drinking. It’s a long story, and not worth asking about. The telling statistic of Trey’s candidacy is the fact that he had over 14,000 different words and pictures written and drawn on him during the year, in a total of 20 different languages.
If that isn’t Hall of Fame worthy, I don’t know what is.
7. Oscar Salazar, Joe Nowicki, Brian Matusz and Pedro Florimon
Oscar Salazar has now hit 10 home runs this season for the Norfolk Tides. With that in mind, I hope you will consider purchasing my new T-shirt “When an opposing team sees Oscar Salazar come to the plate, there IS crying in baseball.”
(And that concludes my “MattWietersFacts.com” portion of the blog. You guys have been great. Stick around. You never know, I might actually start getting funny later.)
8. Mike Polk
You’re probably thinking to yourself “Glenn, who the hell is Mike Polk?” And that’s fair. But if you’re a die-hard reader of the 15-7-0 (I’m talking to you, mom); you’d actually be familiar with his work. You see, Mike Polk is the man who came up with these classics……
And, after poking around the internet a bit; I managed to find this gem where Mike Polk does a great job of poking fun at himself….
But apparently I’m not the only person who enjoys Mike Polk’s work. TNT actually commissioned Polk to make a video about TNT’s “Inside the NBA” crew…..
And that’s brilliant. I may officially be developing what’s called a “man crush.” But not quite at the Forrester-Lowe level. At least not yet.
9. Serena Williams and Andy Roddick
Don’t look now, but there are TWO Americans left in Paris. And with that in mind; I pose this to you Baltimore. Who’s hotter??
10. Adrian Gonzalez, Jason Bay, Ryan Howard and Albert Pujols
Adrian Gonzalez has hit 20 home runs this season. Think that’s impressive? Matt Wieters will have 25 by the end of the week. (I know, I promised. Sorry!!!!!)
In other baseball news this weekend, Ken Rosenthal reported that the Nationals have definitely decided to draft Stephen Strasberrg. (You see, it’s funny because the Nationals have a history of not being able to spell anything correctly).
In a related story, Stephen Strasburg decided to lose a game in hopes the Nats might reconsider. Not even his teammates could blame him.
11. Guus Hiddink
Chelsea won the FA Cup this weekend, and they have decided to let Hiddink consider other opportunities after a short tenure. Their rumored successor?…….
When reached for comment, Peter Angelos said “This chapter is over. I wish him well.”
12. Justin Abdelkader
The Detroit Red Wings are up 2-0 in the Stanley Cup Finals; and if the Finals end in a sweep, what is arguably the most prestigious trophy in all of sports will be handed out after a game televised on VERSUS. In a recent poll, no one was outraged. However, 14% of sports fans polled did say “What’s the Stanley Cup?”
13. Brad Pitt, Megan Fox, and Mickey Rourke
Alex, I’ll take “Greatest Fantasy 3-ways in Porn history” for $400 please.
But seriously, Fox and Rourke won the biggest awards of the night at Saturday night’s taping of the Spike TV “Guys Choice Awards”; and Pitt took a stab at Mel Gibson by calling him “Sugar Tits.” Apparently that’s funny because Mel Gibson called a female cop that after being arrested; but I think it’s funny because I’m secretly a 13 year old boy, and I still giggle every time I hear someone say “tits.”
14. Whole Wheat Penne Genova at Sazzio
(This isn’t pasta from Sazzio pictured; but it was actually impossible for me to find a pic of the actual stuff. Just go with it.)
Look, I didn’t think I’d like green pasta either. Frankly, I don’t enjoy much of anything that’s green……..ever. I mean, other than money; which I of course bathe myself in most days because I have so much of it. And of course boogers; which I have spent the better part of 26 years enjoying and leaving in random places throughout the world. But try to not think about boogers if you take a shot on the Genova (which is fancy talk for pesto there, Spud); or it might not be as enjoyable. Or maybe it will be just as enjoyable. I mean, what do I know about you anyway?
I don’t know how else to say this, but “Up” was FANTASTIC. And I don’t mean fantastic in the way that “It’s as cute as Finding Nemo”, I mean, it was REALLY fantastic. It was compelling, it told a great story, the characters had depth, it was just an EXCELLENT film. Completely on par with anything I’ve seen in the last year (including flicks like “Pineapple Express”, “Star Trek”, and “The Wrestler”). No really, it was that good. I’d like for there to be a joke here, but I’ve got nothing. It was just outstanding. If I say “testicles”, will this somehow now be funny? I’ve got nothing else….
You got lucky…….
1. Chip Woolley
The girl is out. Calvin Borel is back on Mine That Bird, who might somehow actually be the favorite going into the Belmont; now that it’s just a Boys Club again. This reminds me of my favorite Berenstain Bears book, which might have been the smartest book title OF ALL TIME…….
2. Roger Federer
Speaking of winning without actually having to try; Rafael Nadal is out-and Roger Federer now appears on track to finally win his first French Open. But for the record, I’ll be rooting for Spiderman here to win…..
3. Steve Stricker
When you win the Masters, you get a Green Jacket that is the envy of everyone. When you win the Colonial, you get a jacket that NO ONE will buy even after you donate it to Goodwill two weeks later. When you win the Colonial thanks to a collapse by Tim Clark and a guy named Marino whose name is apparently not Dan, you’re Steve Stricker. Need I explain further? Good, because I don’t know anything else. In other golf news, Tiger Woods was seen sitting courtside at a Magic game with Hank Haney. If I knew why this was news; I’d tell you. I saw Ray Lewis sitting courtsude at a Magic game; is that news?
You know, since we’re talking golf, here’s a picture of Blair O’Neal. She’ll be on with Drew Monday morning, and is significantly more interesting than anything happening on any golf course anywhere……
4. Austin Wood
If you’re going to throw 12 1/3 innings and 169 pitches of no-hit relief, your team might as well win the game. And if you’re going to have the last name “Wood”, I’m going to have to giggle. Deal with it.
5. Charles Barkley
You know what’s funny? There is NO REASON why I should like Charles Barkley. He’s loud, obnoxious, offers little-to-no analysis, and is foul-mouthed. Making things worse, he calls his producer names like “pussy.”
Around here, we just call overweight, name-calling loudmouths “Forresters.”
AM I RIGHT???? HIGH FIVE!!!!!!!!
6. Alexandre Giroux
The Hershey Bears are up 1-0 in the Calder Cup Finals; which somehow might go longer than the Stanley Cup Finals. I could talk to you more about Minor League Hockey; but I’d rather share a childhood gripe. I love just about everything about the Hershey Corporation; but I have one favor to ask. Please, PLEASE suspend production of this candy bar around Halloween….
It’s not even as though it’s that bad of a candy bar. It’s actually somewhat good. But just double production of Reese’s Cups and stop making Mr. Goodbars for like 3 months. Thanks everyone.
7. Jay Leno
So long Jay! No one under the age of 57 will miss you……
You’re a zero……
Ohio State Baseball
After the loss, the Buckeyes said it was okay because they’re not really trying to win until 2011.