Honorable Mention: Boxing-ShoBox Yudel Jhonson vs. Willie Nelson (Friday 11pm from Las Vegas live on Showtime); Mixed Martial Arts: Bellator Fighting Championships 68 (Friday 8pm from Atlantic City live on MTV2); Roller Derby: Charm City Roller Girls (Saturday 5:30pm Du Burns Arena); Soccer: MLS-DC United @ Houston Dynamo (Saturday 4:30pm from Houston live on NBC Sports Network); Pro Lacrosse: MLL Rochester Rattlers @ Chesapeake Bayhawks (Saturday 7pm from Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium live on ESPN3.com); Tennis: ATP Tour/WTA Tour Mutua Madrid Open (Tuesday-Friday 7am Saturday 5am Sunday 9:30am from Madrid live on Tennis Channel); Preseason WNBA: Connecticut Sun @ Washington Mystics (Monday 7pm Verizon Center)

10. Red Hot Chili Peppers (Thursday 7:30pm Verizon Center); Avett Brothers (Friday 8pm Patriot Center); Go-Go’s (Tuesday 7pm Rams Head Live), Andrew Bird (Wednesday 7pm Rams Head Live); Eve 6 (Saturday 7pm Recher Theatre), Lit (Sunday 5:30pm Recher  Theatre); Fear Factory (Saturday 7pm Sonar); ALO (Saturday 8pm 8×10 Club); Mike Doughty (Wednesday 8pm Rams Head on Stage), Dar Williams (Saturday 6pm & 9pm Rams Head on Stage), Kenny Wayne Shepherd (Monday 8pm Rams Head on Stage); M83 (Saturday 7pm & 11pm 9:30 Club), Cranberries (Monday 7pm 9:30 Club); The Maine (Saturday 7pm Fillmore Silver Spring); Esperanza Spalding (Saturday 8pm Howard Theatre); Carolina Chocolate Drops (Thursday 7:30pm Birchmere), Chris Isaak (Monday 7:30pm Birchmere); The Gourds (Wednesday 8:30pm State Theatre); Feist (Wednesday 8pm Strathmore); M3 Rock Festival feat. Night Ranger, Kix, Ratt, Queensryche, Skid Row, Warrant, Quiet Riot, LA Guns, Great White (Friday & Saturday Merriweather Post Pavilion), Rob Zombie/Megadeth (Sunday 3pm Merriweather Post Pavilion); DC101 Chili Cook-Off feat. Incubus, Cake, AWOLNation, Angels & Airwaves, Airborne Toxic Event, Neon Trees (Saturday 11am RFK Stadium); Big Bad Voodoo Daddy (Thursday 7pm Friday & Saturday 8pm Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts); Glenn Frey (Monday 8pm Warner Theatre); Silversun Pickups “Neck of the Woods” available in stores/on iTunes (Tuesday)

One of the highlights of my life was getting a MySpace message from the Eve6 drummer. Seriously.

Mike Doughty is super talented.

I’m not really a Rob Zombie type of guy. I’m such a Rob Zombie type of guy though.

I know a guy who worked as a telemarketer his senior year at Perry Hall High School and sang “Short Skirt Long Jacket” by Cake into multiple answering machines. That guy was me.

9. Brad Sherwood/Colin Mochrie (Friday 8pm Modell Performing Arts Center at The Lyric); Christopher Titus (Friday & Saturday Baltimore Comedy Factory); Colin Quinn (Tuesday & Wednesday DC Improv); “Dark Shadows” in theaters (Friday); Baltimore Tattoo Arts Convention (Friday-Sunday Baltimore Convention Center); Preakness Celebration Balloon Festival (Thursday-Saturday Turf Valley); Foodie Experience feat. Andrew Zimmern (Saturday 3pm France-Merrick Performing Arts Center at the Hippodrome)

Colin Quinn is pretty funny. That said, Colin Quinn was never really all that good on Weekend Update…

Hey! Kat Von D has tattoos! Why don’t a post a picture of her here and just move on already…

Honorable Mention: Soccer-MISL DC United @ San Jose Earthquakes (Wednesday 10:30pm from San Jose live on Comcast SportsNet PLUS), DC United @ Toronto FC (Saturday 4pm from Toronto live on Comcast SportsNet PLUS); Pro Lacrosse-MLL Ohio Machine @ Chesapeake Bayhawks (Saturday 7pm from Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium live on Comcast SportsNet/ESPN3.com); Women’s College Lacrosse: NCAA Tournament-Monmouth @ Towson (Saturday 7pm Unitas Stadium)

10. Lynyrd Skynyrd (Friday 6:30pm Pier Six Pavilion), Chicago (Sunday 6pm Pier Six Pavilion); Lupe Fiasco (Thursday 8pm Patriot Center); Slash feat. Myles Kennedy and the Conspirators (Thursday 7pm Rams Head Live), George Clinton & Parliament Funkadelic (Friday 8pm Rams Head Live), P.O.D. (Sunday 6pm Rams Head Live); Marilyn Manson (Tuesday 8pm Fillmore Silver Spring), Korn (Friday 8pm Fillmore Silver Spring); The Bad Plus (Tuesday 8pm Howard Theatre); fun. (Thursday 7pm Friday 8pm 9:30 Club), Eric Hutchinson (Saturday 8pm 9:30 Club), Rusted Root (Sunday 7pm 9:30 Club), Willie Nelson and Family (Monday 7pm 9:30 Club); Bob Schneider (Wednesday 7:30pm Birchmere), Mint Condition (Thursday & Friday 7:30pm Birchmere); Norah Jones “Little Broken Hearts” available in stores/on iTunes (Tuesday)

If I were going to be in town, I’d head to the Inner Harbor to check out Chicago. Honestly…

I like Eric Hutchinson. I also like women. I understand this comes as a surprise to many.

Bob Schneider made one of the best tunes of 2012…

“This is a fun tune from Norah Jones” uttered the man for the first time EVER…

9. Cirque du Soleil Michael Jackson THE IMMORTAL (Saturday & Sunday 1st Mariner Arena); D.L. Hughley (Friday-Sunday Baltimore Comedy Factory); Gilbert Gottfried (Friday-Sunday DC Improv); “The Avengers” in theaters (Friday); “Haywire” available on Blu-Ray/DVD (Tuesday)

I don’t like to speak out of line, but if you don’t go see “The Avengers” within hours of its’ release, you are almost certainly a terrorist.

Tony Stark is the greatest fake human being of all time.

Oh-and did you not remember Haywire? Haywire was the one where Gina Carano…you know I’m just going to go ahead and stop there.

Here’s the MobTown Sports Beat, Tuesday Trend Report. It’s our appraisal of who’s balling and who’s falling in the world of “sports futures”.

Five on the Rise – Here’s who’s balling

Deron Williams

As everyone focuses on Dwight Howard and where his fortunes may lead him after this season (or at the trade deadline) the Nets are just quietly hoping that they’ll be able to retain Deron Williams, and use the allure of his services to land Howard too. Williams however seems intent on testing the waters of free agency, and may feel compelled to return home to Dallas and join the Mavericks or to land wherever he sees the best chance at winning and being happy. On the way there, Williams is showcasing all of the reasons why he should be the hottest commodity headed to free agency at season’s end.

After helping to jumpstart Lin-Sanity in its early stages, Williams responded to the hype in his second chance against the Lin led Knicks with 38 points and 6 assists. Since then Williams has handed out 8, 12, 8 and 7 assists in his last 4 games respectively, the last accompanying an incredibly efficient 57 points against the Charlotte Bobcats.

Williams is clearly peaking at just the right time.

Peyton Manning

As the Colts brace for the most anticlimactic $28 million decision in history, it seems that the Manning camp is at least giving them something to think about. Over the last day or so, allegedly unauthorized video of Manning throwing at Duke University has mysteriously surfaced, showing the QB’s arm and skills in a good light. It’s inconceivable that the latest “news” has done anything to sway the Colts’ decision, nor should it, but it’s at least an indication that Manning is on a better course than some have suggested to this point.

The MobTown Sports Beat is handing out speed warnings. Here’s who needs to slow their proverbial roll.

Danny Ainge

The first and biggest speed warning goes to Danny Ainge and the Boston Celtics. Rajon Rondo scrapped together 28 points, 17 rebounds and 20 assists for a “Big-O/Wilt-style” triple double on Sunday, perhaps responding to the trade rumors that have been swirling around him for seemingly as long as anyone can now remember. Sooner or later the Brass above the brass that runs the Celtics is going to realize that Rajon Rondo is surely the best player that the Celtics have, not to mention the youngest of their array of stars. They’re also bound to realize that Rondo can and will win a hell of a lot more games for the Celtics in the future than either Danny Ainge or Doc Rivers could ever hope to.

There’s an argument that Rondo could be the best player in the game, and still the Celtics seem content…no determined to ship him out of town. That’s right I said the best player in the game. Lebron is the most talented, that’s not even close, Kobe Bryant and Derrick Rose are the most tenacious and the most willing and able to put the team on their backs, but no one is scrappier or more helpful in more areas than Rondo. He’s the best extended dribble point guard in the league, he’s the most consistent threat to hand out 20 dimes on any given night since John Stockton, he rebounds as well and any 6’1” guard ever and it wasn’t that long ago that we saw his arm bent unnaturally backward in a playoff game that he returned to play well in almost immediately.

And what I didn’t mention yet, but will now is that at about $11 million per season Rondo is at least the league’s best pound-for-pound player or dollar-for-dollar player if not its all-around best.

With all of that said, Rondo should walk into Ainge’s office at first chance and demand to be traded or paid. If Ainge and Rivers think Rondo’s already tough to deal with imagine him disgruntled and intentionally a distraction. At the very least Rondo should point out that all of the trade talks involving him seem to involve players on the other side who make substantially more money than Rondo by comparison. Ainge, who seems intent on keeping the Celtics aged core intact while shipping out every useful young player on the roster needs to slow down before he really gives Rondo a reason to exercise his leverage.

Miami Heat

The Lakers served the Heat a gigantic helping of “slow your roll” on Sunday and showed the young risers that everything won’t be as easy for them as they’ve made it look of late. We all waited to see what would happen with Kobe and Wade on Sunday, and it looked like the Heat did too. Miami got caught up in trying to out-physical the Lakers early and never got their game on track behind it. Leave it to Kobe to run psychological warfare on the Heat when everyone else (including the heat themselves) were looking for physical retaliation.

The Heat are still easily the best team in the league and have to be the hands down favorite to win it all, while the Lakers may not even be the best team playing in their building this year. Still for one game at least, Kobe and the Lakers reminded Miami that they still have some work to do, and before you can get “not 4, not 5”, you first have to get one and then two. Until then the Miami Heat can still slow their roll.

Dear Football-

It didn’t hit me until Tuesday night. To be totally honest with you, I’ve been really enjoying some of the other things going on in the world of sports since you left my life in February.

My favorite NHL team (the Phoenix Coyotes) were quickly swept out by the Detroit Red Wings, but the Stanley Cup playoffs have been really good otherwise. Most of the cities I don’t like have already seen their teams eliminated (Pittsburgh, Washington, New York) and the Vancouver Canucks have the opportunity to deliver the most painful heartbreak to Boston Wednesday night, with a chance to win a Game 7 at home against the Bruins.

There’s been a ton of scoring but still a ton of close games, and the hockey playoffs in general have been pretty good.

My favorite NBA team (the Phoenix Suns) didn’t even qualify for postseason play, but it had little effect on how exciting the NBA playoffs were. Between the Los Angeles Lakers getting swept out, Greivis Vasquez and the Memphis Grizzlies getting within a game of the Western Conference Finals and the riveting series the Dallas Mavericks and Miami Heat played in the NBA Finals, the postseason was thrilling.

Even those of us that don’t spend too much time watching regular season hoops found ourselves making postseason games destination television.

Honorable Mention: WNBA-Washington Mystics @ Atlanta Dream (Thursday 7pm from Atlanta live on ESPN2), Chicago Sky @ Washington Mystics (Saturday 7pm Verizon Center); Boxing: Lateef Kayode vs. Matt Godfrey (Friday 11pm from Santa Ynez, CA live on Showtime), Hector Sanchez vs. Vincent Arroyo (Saturday 10:35pm from New York live on Showtime), Friday Night Fights-Kenny Galarza vs. Irving Garcia (Friday 8:30pm from New York live on ESPN2); Arena Football: AFL Philadelphia Soul @ Spokane Shock (Friday 8pm from Spokane live on NFL Network)

10. Mumford & Sons (Thursday 6pm Merriweather Post Pavilion), Phish (Saturday & Sunday 4:30pm Merriweather Post Pavilion), Decemberists (Monday 6:30pm Merriweather Post Pavilion); Ronnie Dunn (Friday 6pm Pier Six Pavilion); Glee Live (Thursday 7:30pm Verizon Center); Portugal. The Man (Wednesday 7pm Rams Head Live), Scissor Sisters (Thursday 7pm Rams Head Live), Cowboy Mouth (Friday 8pm Rams Head Live), NOFX (Saturday 7pm Rams Head Live), Sully Erna of Godsmack (Sunday 7pm Rams Head Live); George Clinton & Parliament-Funkadelic (Monday 7:30pm Recher Theatre); The Bridge (Wednesday 8pm 8×10 Club); Marcy Playground (Saturday 5pm Dark Horse Bel Air, Monday 8pm Rams Head On Stage); U.S. Air Guitar Championships-DC Regional (Saturday 7pm 9:30 Club); Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons (Wednesday 8pm Wolf Trap), Go-Go’s (Friday 8pm Wolf Trap), Bright Eyes (Saturday 7pm Wolf Trap), Indigo Girls (Sunday 8pm Wolf Trap); Chelsea Handler (Saturday 8pm D.A.R. Constitution Hall); Duncan Sheik (Saturday 7:30pm Birchmere), Natasha Bedingfield (Monday 7:30pm Birchmere); Bobby McFerrin (Saturday 7:30pm Warner Theatre); “True Grit” available on DVD & Blu-Ray (Tuesday); “Super 8″ opens in theaters (Friday)

You can be certain that I’ll be at Mumford & Sons Thursday night. Intern Timmy Hendrix tried to fail my ticket purchases, but he came through in the end. If you’re not there, I just feel bad for you.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pd1GWaQf9Yk&feature=fvst[/youtube]

I wish I could say I was going to Phish as well. I’d go, but I have a bad feeling I might have to pass a drug test at some point in the future.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2izuYgnHukc[/youtube]

I will admit that I have no idea how Marcy Playground is still around 14 years after the ONLY song they ever had on the radio, but I kinda think it’s cool they’re playing in Harford County…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KT-r2vHeMM[/youtube]

And you know what, make fun of Glee all you want—but I am at least man enough to admit that I dig this.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbZcYy6AAGg[/youtube]

Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have admitted that.

9. Honfest (Saturday & Sunday Hampden); St. Nicholas Greek Folk Festival (Thursday-Sunday St. Nicholas Church); Ocean City Air Show (Friday-Sunday 16th Street Ocean City); Ocean City Restaurant Week (Tuesday-Monday throughout OC)

Can someone call Denise Whiting and make sure I’m allowed to call the event “Honfest”?

You see what I did there? That’s called REGIONAL current events humor. Take note, aspiring low-paid doughy morning sports jocks.

Can we all just agree to put aside the controversy and again enjoy Honfest this year? I mean, I’m hoping to do “The Creep” with John Waters myself…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLPZmPaHme0[/youtube]

8. Auto Racing: NASCAR Pocono 500 (Sunday 1pm from Tunkhannock Township, PA live on FOX); IndyCar Series Firestone Twin 275s (Saturday 8pm from Fort Worth, TX live on VERSUS)

Lots of interesting stuff happening here. For example, have you ever heard the word “Tunkhannock” in your life before? And they’re holding two IRL races on the same night in the Lone Star State. That’s interesting, right?

No. Okay, well here’s a picture of Caity Lotz I saw the other day at Guyism. It’s not related to Auto Racing, but it’s definitely interesting-which is something Auto Racing has never provided…

7. Golf: PGA Tour FedEx St. Jude Classic (Thursday & Friday 3pm live on Golf Channel, Saturday & Sunday 3pm live on CBS. All golf from Memphis); Champions Tour Greater Hickory Classic at Rock Barn (Friday 12:30pm Saturday & Sunday 1pm from Conover, NC live on Golf Channel); LPGA Tour State Farm Classic (Thursday-Saturday 6:30pm, Sunday 7pm from Springfield, IL on Golf Channel)

Speaking of excitement, here’s the weekend golf events.

So…ummm…anyone have some tumbleweeds we can watch blow around?

There’s good news from the golf world though, as David Feherty’s new Golf Channel show is about to debut…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-rN4-ES968&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]

I’m so confused. Is it supposed to be a comedy?

6. Pro Wrestling: TNA Slammiversary (Sunday 8pm from Orlando live on Pay-Per-View)

TNA is trying to sell the idea of “wrestling” because WWE banned the word from being used.

I have a better idea for TNA. Sell the idea of Mickie James. Repeatedly.

5. Soccer: Team USA vs. Canada (Tuesday 8pm from Detroit live on Fox Soccer Channel), Team USA vs. Panama (Saturday 8pm from Tampa Bay live on Fox Soccer Channel); MLS-San Jose Earthquakes @ DC United (Saturday 7:30pm from RFK Stadium live on Comcast SportsNet)

I know we got our asses kicked by Spain Saturday, but we can’t effing lose to Canada, can we? I mean, aren’t the Canadian soccer players going to be too distracted by the Stanley Cup Finals to even show up for the game at Ford Field?

I could post a lot of things here, but NOT posting the epic South Park song would be a mistake…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAYMJnO9LBQ[/youtube]

4. Mixed Martial Arts: UFC 131-Junior Dos Santos vs. Shane Carwin (Saturday 9pm from Vancouver live on Pay-Per-View)

Boy, this event was SIGNIFICANTLY more exciting when it involved Brock Lesnar, wasn’t it?

No offense to Carwin or Dos Santos, who….are both fighters?

Seriously, everything is better when Brock Lesnar is involved. For example, Rikiski weighed 425 pounds. Remember what Lesnar did to him?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sqFambBnAM[/youtube]

3. Horse Racing: Belmont Stakes (Saturday 5pm from Elmont, NY live on NBC)

I’m not going to lie. The Belmont is my favorite of Rick’s calls all year, if only because he actually knows the song he’s supposed to sing before the race…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMZ0XIioWWY[/youtube]

By the way, I’ll give you a dollar** if you can name the 2010 Belmont winner off the top of your head*.

(*You checked Wikipedia…you had no idea a horse named Drosselmeyer ever existed.)
(**You and I both know I don’t have a dollar to give you.)

2. NBA Playoffs: NBA Finals-Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks (Game 4 Tuesday 9pm from Dallas live on ABC, Game 5 Thursday 9pm from Dallas live on ABC, Game 6 if necessary Sunday 8pm from Miami live on ABC)

Despite LeBron James missing another big shot in the closing moments of a game, America was saddened to see the Heat take a 2-1 lead in the Finals Sunday night.

But take heart America, we still have a lot of great things happening for us. For example, we stole Nina Dobrev from Bulgaria! (Thanks, WWTDD!)

1. NHL Playoffs: Stanley Cup Finals-Vancouver Canucks vs. Boston Bruins (Game 4 Wednesday 8pm from Boston live on VERSUS, Game 5 if necessary Friday 8pm from Vancouver live on NBC, Game 6 if necessary Monday 8pm from Boston live on NBC)

I can’t believe how much of a big deal I made about Team USA against Canada in soccer earlier only to turn around and remind everyone that the Canucks are doing God’s work against those *ssholes from Beantown in the Stanley Cup Finals.

Words could never express how much I despise Boston. Thank God Steven Tyler hasn’t made good music in 20 years or else I might feel bad about how much I’m forced to dislike him by proxy.

Seriously, Boston sucks. Just ask Tina Fey…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdwqXQr-UFM[/youtube]

Flexing my mic muscles since 1983…

-G

Honorable Mention: Boxing-Sebastian Zbik vs. Julio Cesar Chavez Jr. (Saturday 10pm from Los Angeles live on HBO), Super Six World Boxing Classic Semifinals-Carl Froch vs. Glen Johnson (Saturday 9pm from Atlantic City live on Showtime); Arena Football: AFL Jacksonville Sharks @ New Orleans VooDoo (Friday 8pm from New Orleans live on NFL Network)

10. Rihanna/Cee-Lo Green (Saturday 7:30pm 1st Mariner Arena); New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys (Friday 7:30pm Verizon Center); Gabriel Iglesias/Russell Peters/Lisa Lampinelli (Friday 8pm Patriot Center); Creedence Clearwater Revisited/Three Dog Night (Friday 6pm Pier Six Pavilion); Capital Jazz Fest feat. Herbie Hancock, Natalie Cole, etc. (Friday-Sunday Merriweather Post Pavilion); Matt and Kim (Wednesday 7pm Rams Head Live), Steel Pulse (Saturday 8pm Rams Head Live); Against Me! (Friday 7pm Recher Theatre), Bang Tango/Kip Winger (Saturday 6:30pm Recher Theatre); Chuck Brown (Saturday 8pm & 11pm Rams Head On Stage); Death Cab For Cutie (Friday 8pm 9:30 Club); The Bridge (Wednesday 8pm 8×10 Club); Bone Thugs N Harmony (Tuesday 7pm Bourbon Street); Bill Cosby (Thursday 8pm Wolf Trap), Trombone Shorty & Orleans Avenue (Sunday 2pm Wolf Trap); Brian Wilson (Monday 8pm Wolf Trap); Kenny Chesney/Zac Brown Band (Saturday 4:30pm FedEx Field); The Script (Sunday 7:30pm D.A.R. Constitution Hall); “X-Men: First Class” opens in theaters (Friday); Monster-Mania Con 18 (Friday-Sunday Baltimore Marriott Hunt Valley Inn)

First of all, there is simply no excuse if you’re not listening to The Bridge. They’re local, they’re outstanding and they’re really good looking. (Did I just say that?)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmLaasnUiXw[/youtube]

There’s a really good chance I stand across the water and watch Three Dog Night. I mean, wouldn’t you?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2wutEzjy_E[/youtube]

I’m a little embarrassed by how much I enjoy The Script. I feel like I might as well be a chick.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPEBN2dVNUY[/youtube]

I can’t believe Zac Brown Band has to open for Kenny Chesney. Lord knows it should be the other way around…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ChmnEFUGoA[/youtube]

9. Auto Racing: NASCAR STP 400 (Sunday 1pm from Kansas City, KS live on FOX)

I never really enjoyed watching auto racing to begin with, so I have to assume that the racing gods will be willing to make sure every race ends with someone doing something idiotic on the last lap just to make sure we have something to talk about the next day, right?

For what it’s worth, I’m sure JR Hildebrand will always appreciate the Christmas cards he’ll get from Jean Van De Velde FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

“Thinking about you pal. Know if must be tough…again.”

And then there’s Dale Earnhardt Jr. I get the feeling he just didn’t want the Chicago Cubs to feel like they didn’t have company.

Right?

8. Golf: PGA Tour The Memorial (Thursday & Friday 3pm live on Golf Channel, Saturday 3pm Sunday 2:30pm live on CBS. All golf from Dublin, OH); Champions Tour Principal Charity Classic (Friday 6:30pm Saturday & Sunday 7:30pm from West Des Moines, IA live on Golf Channel); LPGA Tour ShopRite LPGA Classic (Friday 12pm Saturday 5pm Sunday 4:30pm from Galloway, NJ on Golf Channel); Nationwide Tour Melwood Prince George’s County Open presented by Under Armour (Thursday & Friday 12:30pm Saturday 2:30pm Sunday 1:30pm from University of Maryland Golf Course in College Park live on Golf Channel)

At last week’s event, some guy I’ve never heard of beat some guy I’ve never heard of in a playoff. But good news! The guy who won is the nephew of some girl I’ve never heard of.

Former Terrapins coach Gary Williams is the host of the Nationwide Tour event this weekend, which means I’d almost think about caring about it.

If he makes a decent putt in the Pro-Am, I can only pray he celebrates accordingly…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDghwElDxMk[/youtube]

7. Mixed Martial Arts: The Ultimate Fighter Finale-Team Lesnar vs. Team Dos Santos (Saturday 9pm from Las Vegas live on SpikeTV)

Saturday night’s event is highlighted by Clay Guida vs. Anthony Pettis. You may remember Pettis as the author of THE GREATEST MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF MMA….

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH7oRb5Knjc[/youtube]

Holy hell I still don’t believe that happened.

6. Soccer: Team USA vs. Spain (Saturday 4:30pm from Foxborough, MA live on ESPN), Team USA Women vs. Mexico (Sunday 2pm from Harrison, NJ live on ESPN2); MLS-DC United @ Los Angeles Galaxy (Friday 11pm from Los Angeles live on Fox Soccer Channel)

Understand-I WILL be rooting for the Red, White & Blue Saturday afternoon. That being said, it doesn’t change the fact that my heart will always belong to Spain’s Paz Vega. It is what it is.

5. Scripps National Spelling Bee (Preliminaries Wednesday 8am live on ESPN3.com, Semifinals Thursday 10am live on ESPN, Finals Thursday 8:30pm live on ESPN. All spelling from National Harbor in DC)

The bad news: Erin Andrews is no longer involved in Spelling Bee coverage.

The good news: I’m pretty sure no one will have to spell “sardoodledom” ever again…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-3JSYDApec[/youtube]

4. NBA Playoffs: NBA Finals-Dallas Mavericks vs. Miami Heat (Game 1 Tuesday 9pm from Miami live on ABC, Game 2 Thursday 9pm from Miami live on ABC, Game 3 Sunday 8pm from Dallas live on ABC)

Two things we can agree about as Americans.

One-we love our military. God bless.

Two-we of course hate LeBron James and the Miami Heat.

This is where things get sticky, because rarely as Americans have we ever knowingly accepted anything about Germany, so our upcoming love affair with Dirk Nowitzki is going to be uncomfortable at best.

Let’s remember though-without the Germans, we wouldn’t have ever had “Beerfest”…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMk5Vo_YRMU[/youtube]

Yep, go Mavs!

3. NHL Playoffs: Stanley Cup Finals-Boston Bruins vs. Vancouver Canucks (Game 1 Wednesday 8pm from Vancouver live on NBC, Game 2 Saturday 8pm from Vancouver live on NBC, Game 3 Monday 8pm from Boston live on VERSUS)

Another tricky spot here. We can either root for Canada…or we can root for a city that gave us the Red Sox and the worst sports “reporter” in Charm City. (You know who you are…and I’m sure you’re reading!)

So…let’s always remember that Canada gave us Our Lady Peace…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1Z89zW-8sY[/youtube]

And the great Pamela Anderson…

So….let’s go Canucks!

2. Council of Ravens Roosts Convention (Thursday-Sunday throughout Ocean City); 8th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals hears NFL appeal of ruling lifting lockout (Friday St. Louis)

You never know who you might bump into down in Ocean City during Ravens Roosts weekend. For example, you MIGHT bump into Sergio Kindle and Brian Billick…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hziVDMfNPvw[/youtube]

OR you might bump into the legendary Intern Genna, who I believe has a permanent address in OC…

(Edit from GMC: She’s the one on the right. I’m sure you can stumble upon her at Seacrets…where you might find Ray Rice too.)

1. Tennis: ATP Tour & WTA Tour French Open (Tuesday & Wednesday 8am Thursday 5am Friday 7am live on Tennis Channel, Tuesday & Wednesday 12pm Thursday 8am live on ESPN2, Friday 11am Saturday-Women’s Final & Sunday-Men’s Final 9am live on NBC)

No American men are around for Week 2 of a grand slam event. Say it with me in your best Jim Nantz voice, “A Tradition Unlike Any Other.”

Clearly the highlight of Roland Garros thus far has already been documented by Deadspin.

And since we have nothing to REALLY talk about here, here’s one more picture of Maria Sharapova. I mean, why not?

Flexing my mic muscles since 1983…

-G

Honorable Mention: Golf-PGA Tour Byron Nelson Championship (Thursday & Friday 3pm live on Golf Channel, Saturday & Sunday 3pm live on CBS. All golf from Irving, TX), Champions Tour Senior PGA Championship (Thursday & Friday 12pm live on Golf Channel, Saturday & Sunday 3pm live on NBC. All golf from Louisville, KY); Boxing: Friday Night Fights-Tony Thompson vs. Maurice Harris (Friday 9:30pm from Reno, NV live on ESPN2); Brew at the Zoo, and Wine too! (Saturday & Sunday 1pm Maryland Zoo); Arena Football: AFL Utah Blaze @ Iowa Barnstormers (Friday 8pm from Des Moines, IA live on NFL Network)

10. New Kids on the Block & Backstreet Boys (Sunday 7:30pm 1st Mariner Arena); Raphael Saadiq (Tuesday 7pm Rams Head Live), The Maine/Augustana (Friday 6pm Rams Head Live); Steve Ranazzissi & Bryan Callen (Saturday 8pm & 10:30pm Recher Theatre); Slick Rick (Saturday 7pm Bourbon Street); Sister Hazel (Sunday 1pm Rams Head On Stage); Paul Simon (Friday 6pm 9:30 Club); America (Thursday & Friday 7:30pm Birchmere); J. Roddy Walston & The Business (Friday & Saturday 7:30pm Ottobar)

Boy…not a whole lot going on here this week, is there?

I don’t care for KNOTB or BSB, but that’s only because I have male genitalia. But you know who I DO like? Justin effing Timberlake.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRybEjxCfFM&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]

There’s a young lady I know who thinks this song is as meaningful as I do…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f46ulX6uwGc[/youtube]

I know there’s no Art Garfunkel on this tour, but Paul Simon is still one of the greatest things there is about music…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJBhdKrwTOc[/youtube]

Like The Strokes? J Roddy Walston is better. Maybe MUCH better…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8s3HS4zf5y4&feature=fvst[/youtube]

9. NHL Playoffs: Western Conference Finals-San Jose Sharks vs. Vancouver Canucks (Game 5 Tuesday 9pm from Vancouver live on VERSUS, Game 6 if necessary Thursday 9pm from San Jose live on VERSUS, Game 7 if necessary Saturday 8pm from Vancouver live on VERSUS); Eastern Conference Finals-Boston Bruins vs. Tampa Bay Lightning (Game 6 Wednesday 8pm from Tampa Bay live on VERSUS, Game 7 Friday 8pm from Boston live on VERSUS)

I’m assuming that at this point you HAVE to have seen the video of the Canucks fan flashing Ben Eager in the penalty box, right? No? Impossible…

If you click on THIS link, there’s a real picture. BUT!!!! Understand that this picture is NOT for children, it is NOT for the workplace, and it does NOT suck to be Ben Eager.

8. NBA Playoffs: Western Conference Finals-Dallas Mavericks vs. Oklahoma City Thunder (Game 5 Wednesday 9pm from Dallas live on ESPN, Game 6 if necessary Friday 9pm from Oklahoma City live on ESPN, Game 7 if necessary Sunday 9pm from Dallas live on ESPN); Eastern Conference Finals-Miami Heat vs. Chicago Bulls (Game 4 Tuesday 8:30pm from Miami live on TNT, Game 5 Thursday 8:30pm from Chicago live on TNT, Game 6 if necessary Saturday 8:30pm from Miami live on TNT, Game 7 if necessary Monday 8:30pm from Chicago live on TNT)

You mean to tell me there are things happening in basketball that DON’T involve ping pong balls? Color me stunned!

I honestly don’t know who I’m pulling for at this point. I never liked the Bulls growing up because I was kinda sick of seeing Michael Jordan winning every year. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to root for the Heat in this country unless you live on South Beach.

With the Eastern Conference teams out, I’m stuck trying to figure out which of the Western Conference teams to root for. I thought it might be the Thunder, but this whole Kevin Durant/Russell Westbrook “I’m better than you-NO, I’m better than you!” argument has been insufferable.

That being said, I attended a Mavs game this year. We were in Texas for the Super Bowl, and they were hosting the Washington Wizards.

Two things were accomplished that night. One-the ‘Zards lost, so Redskins fans were unhappy. I can ALWAYS get behind that. Two-they gave me a Rodrigue Beaubois bobblehead doll.

Not kidding. I have no idea if the thing ever made it back from DFA (there was a snowstorm disaster that week), but I got one-despite the fact that I had never (and still haven’t) heard of Rodrigue Beaubois.

And before I move on from hoops, umm….how did I miss this video of Blake Griffin dunking over A TIGER?!?!?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=YyqsfecWAzM[/youtube]

7. Tennis: ATP Tour & WTA Tour French Open (Tuesday-Monday 5am live on Tennis Channel, Tuesday-Friday & Monday 12pm live on ESPN2, Saturday & Sunday 12pm live on NBC. All tennis from Paris)

A quick episode of “which would you rather?”

Would you rather spend a week in Paris with Caroline Wozniacki…

Or spend a week in Belgium with Paris Hilton???

I’ll wait anxiously for your reply.

6. Baltimore Ravens Informal Practices (Tuesday-Thursday Unitas Stadium)

This event had no steam to begin with, but lost any potential steam it could have when they decided the public wouldn’t be able to attend due to commencement events at Towson that day.

That being said, I’m not really sure how there could have been any excitement in watching players (not wearing jerseys I assume) run around in 7-on-7 drills…but when the baseball team in town stinks I guess I can understand.

Of course, a practice session at Unitas Stadium might be the perfect place to show off a new toy…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZ09qVDQf2k[/youtube]

5. Mixed Martial Arts: UFC 130-Quinton “Rampage” Jackson vs. Matt Hamill (Saturday 9pm from Las Vegas live on Pay-Per-View)

Rampage Jackson is a humorous MMA superstar. He’s REALLY good (I was actually in Vegas the night he destroyed Chuck Liddell) but he’s an absolute clown. Remember, he was the same guy that did THIS during an interview…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYmYA4ZPsIM[/youtube]

I feel like I pull for him…I’m just not really sure why.

4. “The Hangover Part II” out in theaters (Thursday)

Well, if this isn’t awesome I’m pretty sure I’ll just hate movies forever.

In the meantime, here’s Ed Helms’ song from the first one. There better damn well be another one in this one…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpOdCWaTsIk[/youtube]

3. Soccer: UEFA Champions League Final-FC Barcelona vs. Manchester United (Saturday 2pm from London live on FOX); MLS-DC United @ Portland Timbers (Sunday 5pm from Portland live on Comcast SportsNet)

And here it is, the Super Bowl of European soccer. Every hipster this week will tell me why this is more important than anything else that ever happens in sports.

They’re wrong…but it IS a big deal.

I guess I’ll be pulling for Barcelona Saturday. I mean…they DO have Lionel freaking Messi…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZnUr8lcqjo[/youtube]

2. Auto Racing: IndyCar Series Indianapolis 500 (Sunday 11am from Indianapolis live on ABC); NASCAR Coca-Cola 600 (Sunday 6pm from Charlotte live on FOX)

Ahh…the Indy 500 is Sunday. So here…for absolutely no reason…are gratuitous pictures of Danica Patrick…

1. College Lacrosse: NCAA Tournament Final Four-Denver University vs. Virginia (Saturday 4pm from M&T Bank Stadium live on ESPN2), Maryland vs. Duke (Saturday 6:30pm from M&T Bank Stadium live on ESPN2), NCAA Championship Game (Monday 3:30pm from M&T Bank Stadium live on ESPN); Division III NCAA Championship Game: Salisbury vs. Tufts (Sunday 7pm M&T Bank Stadium); Division II NCAA Championship Game: Adelphi vs. Mercyhurst (Sunday 4pm M&T Bank Stadium); Women’s College Lacrosse: NCAA Tournament Final Four-Maryland vs. Duke (Friday 5pm from Stony Brook, NY live on NCAA.com), Northwestern vs. North Carolina (Friday 7:30pm from Stony Brook, NY live on NCAA.com), NCAA Championship Game (Sunday 4pm from Stony Brook, NY live on NCAA.com)

Since it will be a few months before we can do this again during hoops season, so let’s channel Peter Rosenberg for both Terrapins’ lax teams…language of course NSFW. Go Terps!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYOgC2Qbqh4[/youtube]

Flexing my mic muscles since 1983…

-G