- Yankees pitcher, Michael “Sticky Fingers” Pineda,” feels sad” for getting caught playing with his pine tar smothered neck in between pitches.
In other news…When talking to reporters, Yankees manager Joe Girardi said Pineda wasn’t “trying to cheat.” He then could be heard phoning in a bulk order of “three cases of Vaseline, two rolls of sandpaper, and a year-supply of rubber cork.”
- Baltimore-native, Michael “Human Fish” Phelps, made a dramatic return to swimming yesterday, losing to fellow Olympian Ryan Lochte.
In other news…98% percent of American sports fans recently learned that competitive swimming actually took place outside of the Olympics.
- The Baltimore Ravens re-signed ex-Terps receiver LaQuan Williams yesterday, a year removed from releasing him with an injury settlement.
In other news…Terps’ diehards brace for another looming heartbreak when the Ravens realize they can only keep 53-players on the roster.
- Former Oriole, and former manslaughter suspect, Alfredo Simon is accused of raping a woman last spring in DC.
In other news…Reds pitcher Alfredo Simon makes a surprise visit to Pittsburgh to consult with quarterback Ben Roethlisberger (#neverforget #scumbag)
- Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin will drive the pace card for tomorrow’s Richmond NASCAR race.
In other news…public officials and historians brace for tomorrow’s monumental event in Richmond where it’s reported that for the first time ever, an African American will attend a NASCAR event.