Tag Archive | "white sox"

nikoleta

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Monday Morning’s Crabs and Beer

Posted on 09 August 2010 by Glenn Clark

Happy Monday!

It’s a Happy Monday for me because I was out of town yesterday-but had an outstanding experience. I poked my head into a random farmers market (for security reasons, I’ll leave the location undisclosed), and it was a magical experience. A friend of mine (I think for future reference we’re going to call her “Boomer Sooner” here) made a delicious concoction of beeksteak tomatoes, feta cheese, a multigrain baguette, lemon basil and pepper.

Seeing as how my meals are usually made up of frozen pasta or Chick-Fil-A, it was a refreshing change of pace. Unfortunately my phone was dead, so I failed to Twitpic the experience. I’m sorry everyone!

But as I pointed out yesterday on Facebook (search “Glenn Clark” and add the guy who is drinking orange kool-aid and shaking his head because he lost a bet to Ed in Park Heights), the highlight of the event was the fact that this vision of food took place in direct earshot of a group called the Second String Band. I wish I had their version of “If I Had a Boat” available, but instead you’re going to have to settle for Dave Matthews’ version. No offense to Lyle Lovett, it’s just that everyone else does his song better…

And while we’re here, let’s go ahead and post Dave Matthews (& Emmylou Harris) covering “Long Black Veil”-most famously from Johnny Cash. I mean, as long as we’re here…

Let’s see what everyone has to say…

1. WNST.net says Peter Angelos directly involved with Ravens, MASN divorce

My initial response? “Surprise, surprise.”

It’s frustrating to read this story, but it is by no means stunning. MASN has been nothing short of a trainwreck since it’s inception (that’s not a low blow), even when one Glenn Clark was briefly part of the programming. In fact, if you ever needed proof that MASN was a trainwreck from the go, the fact that Glenn Clark was ever part of it has to be absolute proof!

The good news that comes from the MASN/Ravens divorce? We’ll NEVER have to watch Tom Davis have to talk about a franchise he so clearly despises. The guy was almost comical in his snide comments regarding the organization-which was a bit interesting considering his over-the-top love affair with the Major League Baseball team in town. You know, the Major League Baseball team that employed him.

There was a sense that the Orioles finally came around to working with the Ravens out of necessity. The Ravens pep rally and giveaway nights at Camden Yards would attract the biggest crowds of the season; and it was always fun to see the likes of John Harbaugh, Steve McNair and Willis McGahee throw out the first pitch at a game.

I hope the Orioles don’t really think they don’t “need” the Ravens anymore. I hope they’re not foolish enough to think that they’ve fixed their problems and don’t need the help. I’m as excited as anyone else about the 5-1 start under a new manager, but this is still a desperate situation.

2. WNST.net’s Luke Jones says Tavares Gooden, Chris Carr amongst Ravens who missed practice Sunday

The good news? Tavares Gooden returned to practice Monday, according to our own Luke Jones-who is reporting from the practice field at McDaniel College.

The bad news? Chris Carr did not practice again Monday morning. He wouldn’t answer questions about the injury (believed to be his hamstring) after practice Saturday at M&T Bank Stadium, and John Harbaugh dismissed questions as well.

I’m not sure what there is to know, but I know that an injury to Chris Carr is reason for concern. With Domonique Foxworth out for the year and Lardarius Webb on PUP, Chris Carr is a very important part of this football team. Hopefully the injury is not significant.

Luke passed along a few more notes from this morning-as OL’s David Hale & Stefan Rodgers as well as safety KJ Gerard WERE practicing, while Ramon Harewood, Tony Moll and Marcus Paschal were again NOT practicing.

Talking about football is just so great…

3. BaltimoreRavens.com’s Mike Duffy says ‘cutting down penalties’ area of concern for Ravens in Training Camp

An area of concern for Glenn Clark? Finding more pictures of Nikoleta Rali (Thanks Don Chavez!)…

nikoleta

And a few more Ravens notes before we move on…

-Remember, today and tomorrow are the only days this week you can go watch the team practice at McDaniel College. The team will have a walkthrough Wednesday that is closed to the public, and are off Friday following Thursday night’s game against the Carolina Panthers.

-Our own Luke Jones is back out in Carroll County all day today, keeping you updated with Thyrl Nelson and Rex Snider every hour on AM1570 WNST.

4. The AP’s David Ginsburg says Jeremy Guthrie out-dueled Mark Buehrle as Orioles topped White Sox at Oriole Park at Camden Yards

Who in the hell are these guys?!?!?

I had a TERRIBLE feeling when Ramon Castro crushed the home run in the 9th off of Alfredo Simon to make it 4-3. But much like when I had a terrible feeling as the team tried to blow a 9-1 lead against the Los Angeles Angels last week, the team managed to hold on.

And with that in mind, I say “Buck Yeah!”

koolaid

It doesn’t REALLY matter what happens in these games the rest of the way as the season ended before even Memorial Day; but it is nice to actually win some of them anyway. What happens from April-June of NEXT year will be significantly more important, but I’ll continue to enjoy it for now. It certainly beats the alternative.

5. The AP/WNST.net offer numerical evidence of another win

And once again, I’m left without my tag line here.

Guthrie was absolutely stellar, allowing one run on 6 hits and just one walk over 8 innings. Felix Pie homered, and just about everyone in the lineup (including Cesar Izturis) had a double.

I CANNOT figure out who these guys are.

But just to keep up appearances, take a look at the numbers and THEN take a look at this picture of Shanna McLaughlin hanging out in the Central Florida locker room. I don’t know why she did it, but I’m glad she did. Thanks Busted Coverage!

shanna

6. The Sun’s Steve Gould says Troy Patton optioned to Norfolk, Craig Tatum expected to take his place on O’s roster

Apparently Buck Showalter went to Andy MacPhail and said he wanted another position player for the bench. I’m sure Andy MacPhail was happy to have someone offer him thoughts about personnel.

When Tatum officially gets called back up, make sure you’re signed up for the WNST Text Service. You’ll find out the news as soon as it happens.

I’m guessing Jake Fox will be happy to not have to catch anymore. Or at least I am…

7. MLB.com’s Brittany Ghiroli says Buck Showalter wants to give Jason Berken ‘a break’

And given how he’s struggled recently after lighting the world on fire earlier in the season, it is apparent that his workload (leading the league in innings pitched) has caught up with him.

Now it is a bit strange that the team would option Troy Patton at the same time that they’re giving Jason Berken a break-but I will admit that the starting pitching has been pretty good recently. When Kevin Millwood wasn’t hammered in the first inning Saturday night, I thought it a minor miracle.

That doesn’t mean that I’m convinced that the starting pitching is somehow “fixed.”

I have a bad feeling that the team will end up getting at least a few rough starts soon (maybe not against the Cleveland Indians-they’re terrible; but possibly against the Tampa Bay Rays this weekend despite the fact that everyone else has no-hit them this season). It is probably a risk worth taking though, and hopefully Berken will be ready to go before too long.

8. NorfolkTides.com says Zach Britton roughed up in Tides’ loss to Louisville Bats on farm

And a few things before we move on from the Birds…

-They’ll close up their 4 game series with the Pale Hose tonight at OPACY, Brian Matusz takes the hill against Edwin Jackson. First pitch is at 7:05pm and the game can be seen on MASN.

-Did you miss Jay Jaffe from Baseball Prospectus this morning with Drew Forrester on “The Morning Reaction” on AM1570 WNST? Make sure you head over to the BuyAToyota.com Audio Vault today to check it out. Some other things you can hear in the Audio Vault include…

  • Mark Kelso (Buffalo Bills Color Analyst)-as Drew continued to preview the teams on the Baltimore Ravens’ schedule this season
  • Rex Hoggard (Golf Channel)-who broke down Tiger Woods’ struggles in Akron and previewed the PGA Championship this weekend
  • A live check-in from Luke Jones this morning from Westminster at Training Camp
  • John Harbaugh’s Sunday press conference
  • Lomas Brown (ESPN Analyst and former NFL O-Lineman)-who joined Eric Aaronson to look around the league.

Now you have your day planned. You can thank me later.

9. UMTerps.com says 22 Maryland freshmen reported to College Park Sunday before practice begins Tuesday

Overheard from Ralph Friedgen’s tour of the area Sunday…

“This is Route 1. Never go here. I know you will anyway, so when you do-don’t act like an idiot. Don’t let me find out how stupid you are. Don’t get arrested at Cornerstone. Don’t bother women at Bentley’s. PLEASE and Thank You.”

Hopefully the young Terrapins were listening.

10. D1scourse’s Patrick Stevens says Terps trying to break streak of 6 straight seasons scoring 25 or fewer points per game

You know what would help this team offensively? A little photographic inspiration. May I suggest Pia Muehlenbeck? (Thanks Guyism!)…

pia

And finally, I leave you with this.

As I said yesterday via Facebook, I’m not sure if it even technically counts as a board game, but I know what the greatest board game of all time is…

connect4

Flexing my mic muscles since 1983…

-G

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An Opening Day Greeting From Andy MacPhail: Competition is “Insurmountable”

Posted on 09 April 2010 by Glenn Clark

I was working on Crabs & Beer this morning; celebrating a big Orioles win, preparing for Opening Day, and salivating over the Harborque that is on the way in to the studios at 1550 Hart Rd. when everything came to a screeching halt.

As I was preparing this morning’s “Apologist of the Morning” segment for Drew Forrester, I came across a story written in today’s USA Today by Bob Nightengale. The story is headlined “Parity? Yankees, Red Sox loom large for smaller market teams.”

Like most things Bob Nightengale scribes, it is a pretty good read. Unfortunately for Orioles fans, “pretty good” isn’t the only way I’d describe it. I’d also describe it as particularly “troubling.”

“Troubling” because of a quote in the story from Orioles President of Baseball Operations Andy MacPhail.

“There’s no baseball executive that thinks things should all be even,”

I’m with him there…

“but when payrolls are three times yours, it can become insurmountable.

As some callers this morning attempted to point out…maybe Andy MacPhail wasn’t necessarily talking about the Orioles, but in greater baseball context. Maybe he meant that the Pirates couldn’t necessarily compete with the Cardinals, or the Royals couldn’t compete with the White Sox.

However, in looking at 2009 MLB payrolls (via ESPN.com), I think I know exactly who Andy MacPhail was talking about…

New York Yankees $201,449,289
Baltimore Orioles $67,101,667

Hmm…one of these numbers appears to be almost EXACTLY 1/3 of the other. While there are other teams that are also competing with 1/3 of the payroll of a division competitor (including the Washington Nationals in comparison to the New York Mets); the O’s ARE one of those teams. Andy MacPhail WAS talking about the Orioles.

“Insurmountable.”

On a day that embodies the most hope baseball fans have felt in Baltimore in 10 or more years, the team has let you know that getting competitive is “insurmountable.”

Not “difficult.”

Not “tough.”

Not “something that we will have to diligently work through in a trying offseason.”

“Insurmountable.”

To make sure I fully understood what “insurmountable” means, I visited Dictionary.com to get a full definition. Here’s what I found…

“incapable of being surmounted, passed over, or overcome”

Incapable or being overcome.

Impossible.

On Opening Day 2010-the day that fans in Baltimore WANT to celebrate a new direction, with arguably the best roster the organization has fielded in some 10 years, the team is saying they can’t compete.

On the day fans in Baltimore are donning Matt Wieters, Brian Matusz, Adam Jones, Nick Markakis and Brian Roberts jerseys and high-fiving friends with the knowledge that baseball relevance is advancing rapidly, the team has said that it is impossible.

Happy Opening Day, Baltimore!

The team has said publicly that the 2010 team will be judged by “wins and losses.” For years, those near the organization have pointed towards 2011 as the year that the team will again be competitive.

In order to do so, most baseball fans believe that the team will need to acquire both one more power bat and one more front of line pitcher.

Players who will or could become free agents this offseason amongst the power bat corner infield crew include Victor Martinez (if he moves to 1B), Adam Dunn, Derrek Lee and Carlos Pena. Amongst the pitching crew; Javier Vasquez, Cliff Lee, Jorge De La Rosa and Brandon Webb will be available.

Should those players all have solid 2010 seasons, the hitters can be expected to make somewhere in the range of $15 million per season; while the pitchers can be expected to make somewhere in the range of $20 million per season.

Certainly not ALL of those players are going to cash in at that level. But given recent free agent history (which included a 7 year, $120 million deal for Matt Holliday last offseason to STAY with a franchise like the Cards), it will take an average of roughly $35 million for the Orioles to obtain a power hitting corner infielder and a front of the line starting pitcher.

That alone doesn’t guarantee that the team will win the AL East and run to the 2011 World Series; but I don’t think the team will be able to get there without it. For the Orioles to continue to compete beyond that, they would need to be able to retain their own talent; meaning that on top of the money already spent on Nick Markakis and Brian Roberts; they will need to invest future money in Matt Wieters, Adam Jones, Brian Matusz, Chris Tillman, etc.

Before I get to far ahead of myself, I have to stop and ask…do you believe that a comment like the one Andy MacPhail made today leads you to believe that the team is willing to spend AT LEAST the $35 million average per season THIS offseason to make the team a REAL contender again?

Or do you believe that a comment like this one sets the team up for a future statement that “we believe we made the team greatly better in 2011, but the lack of balance in baseball has prevented us from actually being able to be competitive?”

I think you know how I feel.

The problem ISN’T that the Orioles have decided that they don’t want to overpay for players. In fact, it’s practically admirable. For every person who walks down the street and says “why do baseball players make so much money while teachers and police officers make so little?”, I AGREE.

Baseball players DO make too much money. Baseball (and all other sports) have become a ridiculous business to a level that is borderline shameful.

I’m personally thankful that they have, as the ridiculous business of sports has allowed a young man from Perry Hall High School like me to make a living doing nothing more than TALKING about sports. But I digress.

The problem facing the Orioles is that if they wish to do the ADMIRABLE thing-and try to limit their spending and encourage others in baseball to do the same thing is that they probably WON’T be able to compete.

The CBA isn’t changing for baseball this offseason. A salary cap isn’t likely to implemented now-or likely anytime in the future; as owners like George Steinbrenner aren’t likely to capitulate to their counterparts, and the MLBPA doesn’t appear to be particularly interested in making the change either.

While limiting salary remains admirable and probably a sounder financial model; it does NOT promote the ability to be competitive with teams who WILL be willing to spend money-like the teams the O’s will need to overtake in the AL East.

If they’re going to choose to do what we believe to be admirable and just NOT compete, they just need to tell us that (as Andy MacPhail has started to do this morning.)

Instead of allowing their bloggers to go on MASNSports.com and talk about how the team is building for 2011, have them go on there and say “it’s a shame we’re never going to be able to compete-but I hope you’ll support the team anyway.”

In fact, hang a banner at Oriole Park at Camden Yards today as fans enter the stadium that says “we know we can’t compete now or in the future.”

Just be honest and upfront about it. There are still fans in Kansas City despite the fact that the Royals have all but admitted that they’re not trying to win; and there would still be fans here in Charm City if the Orioles organization did the same thing.

But the issue is for the family of 4 who has to decide how to spend their money. Should they spend $100 to come out and watch David Hernandez face Dana Eveland tomorrow night at OPACY-thinking that they have a chance to see the players who ultimately made up the team that returned the organization to glory? Or should they take their $100 and head over to 1st Mariner Arena to see the circus, buy a couple t-shirts, and pick up some popcorn?

If that family knew in advance that the organization DIDN’T believe they could compete in the future, wouldn’t it be easier to make the decision to head over to the circus?

No one thinks the Orioles should just blindly throw money at ANY player who becomes available, but it ISN’T unfair to see that the team will NEED to be willing to spend money in order to compete.

It ISN’T “insurmountable.”

But apparently the team thinks so.

I just hope you know that before you decide how to spend your own money.

-G

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Dye, Vlad could offer RH pop

Posted on 22 September 2009 by dansoderberg

That headline would be a helluva lot more exciting if this were 2003. Last week Orioles Manager Dave Trembley mentioned his desire for the club to acquire a right handed power to hit behind Nick Markakis in the lineup and allow Adam Jones, Matt Weiters and Nolan Reimold to develop without the stress of hitting cleanup.

The White Sox are unlikely to exercise a hefty club option for RF Jermaine Dye. When Alex Rios was claimed off waivers from Toronto Dye became expendable. After a fairly productive early season, the 35 year old Dye has fallen on hard times. He is currently .248 with a .778 OPS and 25 home runs. Depending upon his asking price, in both dollars and years, Dye could be a solid right handed DH and part time outfielder. As a bonus Dye has played in 44 career postseason games. Sadly, that number is unlikely to change after a season or two in Baltimore.

Vladimir Guerrero is also a free agent after the season. The Orioles pursued Guerrero in the Winter of 2003. Vlad will turn 35 in February and he has been hampered by chronic knee problems over the past few years. He has been sapped of virtually all of his speed and is now a liability in the OF. Quite a pretty picture huh? The reason I mention Vlad’s shortcomings is that he is now essentially limited to DH, and with about half of the AL teams set at DH, he has a limited free agent market. Guerrero has hit when healthy this season, posting an .817 OPS, though his Slugging percentage his dipped nearly 50 points. As a DH on a short contract Guerrero could provide some pop in the middle of the Orioles 2010 lineup.

Don’t get too excited about 1b Michael Aubrey. In limited duty Aubrey has hit fairly well and played a solid first base, but he shouldn’t be considered a long term option at the position. In 96 career ML at bats Aubrey has 2 home runs and a career .352 slugging percentage. In 407 AAA at bats this season Aubrey posted a .759 OPS and 8 home runs. Those numbers would be passable for a middle infielder, but the Orioles need much more production from the corners than Aubrey can offer.

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Don’t Underestimate the Power of Thome

Posted on 01 September 2009 by dansoderberg

The Chicago White Sox dealt DH and future HOFer Jim Thome to the Dodgers before yesterday’s MLB trade deadline.  Thome will be eligible for LA’s postseason roster.  The move may seem peculiar on the surface as Thome can’t DH in the NL and the Dodgers have a productive young first baseman in James Loney.

Thome will serve almost exclusively as a pinch hitter over the remainder of the regular season and the NL playoffs.  The Dodgers currently hold a 5.5 game lead in the NL West.  The Phillies and Cardinals each feature hard throwing right handed closers in Brad Lidge and Ryan Franklin.  Thome has an .897 OPS this season against right handers and gives Dodger Manager Joe Torre a valuable bat off the bench.  Should the Dodgers make it to the World Series Thome could serve as the DH, a much better option than Mark Loretta or Juan Pierre. NL teams often play at a disadvantage in AL ballparks because they don’t have someone on their roster that is worthy of the DH at bats.  Thome would level the playing field much like Matt Stairs did last year for the Phillies.

Thome will be a free agent at the end of the season and given his lack of a position it is highly unlikely that the Dodgers would offer him arbitration, meaning the signing team would not have to give up draft pick compensation.  Thome would be an excellent fit for the Orioles next season.  He could serve as the full time DH, sitting against tought lefties.  He would also offer some veteran experience and a much needed power presence in the middle of the lineup.  On a one or two year deal I think he would be an excellent fit.

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flacco

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15-7-0

Posted on 31 August 2009 by Glenn Clark

You get props:

1-Joe Flacco and Derrick Mason

Yeah, they’re pretty good. Maybe not Brandon Marshall good; but pretty damn good nonetheless. (Editor’s note: LOL!)

On a side note, my birthday is next Sunday. As you’re sitting there thinking to yourself, “Geez, I haven’t even asked Glenn what he wants for his birthday!”, I say “fear not! I have a suggestion”…..

flacco

The real one has better eyebrows.

2-Jason Berken, Andy Marte, and Brian Matusz

I have been waiting an ENTIRE SEASON to put Jason Berken on this list. Thank GOD I was finally able to.

In other Orioles news this weekend, Joey Gathright was traded to the Boston Red Sox for a player to be named later. This would be more interesting, but sadly the player to be named will likely be no more talented than this man…..

fallon

(Editor’s note: Could NBC have been pumping Jay Leno any harder during the Bears/Broncos game Sunday night? And how could they have made a promo out of his “Headlines” bit that wasn’t even a LITTLE bit funny?)

3-Antonio Nogueira

Minotauro was pretty dominant in what was a DAMN good fight out in Portland, OR. For the record, most 46 year olds don’t look like Randy Couture…..

couture

Christ, I’m only about to turn 26 and I look more like Ray Bachman (pictured below) than Couture…..

fat

4-Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, James Farrior, and Mark Sanchez

In other NFL News this weekend, Fantasy Football owners worldwide are breathing easier after hearing that Tom Brady’s shoulder is not seriously injured.

When reached for comment regarding the good news on Brady, Jets coach Rex Ryan is rumored to have said “Good, I hope Tom Brady is gonna play. What the hell has he ever done in this league? I know this much, he hasn’t won a single AFC East title since I’ve been in the division.”

5-Pedro Beato, Caleb Joseph, and Nick Haughian

Unfortunately, the Norfolk Tides, Delmarva Shorebirds, and Bluefield Orioles combined to win no games over the weekend.

Which is actually more remarkable, seeing as how a lot of organizations really struggle to use their minor league teams to appropriately prepare for what to expect at the big league level.

(Editor’s note: I apologize, that’s the 2nd time I’ve made a joke like that. But it’s a pretty funny bit. Even Melewski would have to admit that. But he’s probably too busy preparing for the playof……..OH MY GOD I TRIED BUT I COULDN’T STOP LAUGHING I’M SORRY!)

6-Fernando Verdasco and Caroline Wozniacki

Also happening last week at the Pilot Pen, Sam Querrey locked up the US Open Series Championship. Which means I owe the sport of Golf an apology, as there apparently IS a Championship less interesting than the FedEx Cup.

The US Open starts this week. Which means we’ll get to see more of the Bondarenko sisters……

bondarenko

7-NFL Films

If you watched WBAL11’s pregame coverage of Ravens-Panthers Saturday night; you probably saw the 2008 Ravens Yearbook from NFL Films that aired before Pete Gilbert & Qadry Ismail’s pregame show. If you did, you may have spent at least part of the hour before the game crying. I know damn well I did…….especially when they showed OJ Brigance’s speech following the win over the Jaguars that clinched the Wild Card berth.

I don’t have the video; but this highlight package is a nice appetizer. Scott Graham may not be Harry Kalas, but the combination of Graham and Steve Sabol’s team…..you know the results. Well worth whatever you’d have to pay for the DVD.

8-Zack Greinke, Paul Byrd, Sergio Mitre, Scott Feldman, Jon Garland, Ryan Howard, Tim Lincecum and Kendry Morales

Elsewhere in baseball this weekend, Mark Teixeira moved past the 100 RBI mark for the season as the Yankees beat the White Sox Sunday.

If you haven’t heard the perverted calls of Yankees Play by Play voice John Sterling; here’s a Youtube clip of Mike Francesca listening to them. (Editor’s note: ?)

I swear to God I hate EVERYTHING about this. Not only does this clown say “Swishalicious” when Nick Swisher homers, he says “It’s a Johnny Rocket” when Johnny Damon homers.

Christ. It is an embarrassment to say that this clown used to call Baltimore Bullets and Morgan State games.

Back to Tex, 101 RBI-huh? Good thing the Orioles didn’t make a legitimate offer……

9-Tim James

tim

Kudos to Dan Le Batard for writing about James. I will admit I have always been particularly inspired by Pat Tillman; and spent a lot of my time in Arizona working with the Pat Tillman Foundation. I had no idea Tim James was serving in the Army over in Iraq; and I think this is an awesome story.

Nothing funny here. Tim James kicks ass. I am spending my evening posting hot pictures of the Bondarenko sisters online. He’s spending his evening trying to keep our country safe. I’m a clown.

10-Chris Turner, Phil Costa, Nolan Carroll and Adrian Moten

The closest I came to being named Captain of a football team was on our Club Team at UMBC; where I was named “Fattest Guy on the Team.”

Of course, my club career in Catonsville nearly resulted in a Championship. This is a good story. A local website picked our team (which we appropriately nicknamed “The Bums”) to lose in the Final; and so I (clearly inspired by the upstart Bears team of that season), prepared a whiteboard message saying “Do They Still Doubt Us?”

I broke out an inspirational speech before the game, and unleashed the whiteboard. When our team was up by 10 at the half; I failed everyone by not having anything else prepared.

We were of course railroaded in the 2nd half; but received nice beer glasses for our efforts. I’ve always felt as though I’ve never let anyone down more in my life than I did that day by not preparing a halftime speech.

Do I still have any time left, or should I get off the couch Doc?

11-The Stars and Stripes

Was it weird that during Sunday’s Little League World Series final, I was so overcome with patriotism that I actually started shouting “Kill him! Kill him! MURDER HIM!” at the TV?

Okay, that’s a joke. I would never do such a thing It’s a kids’ game, for god sakes.

I could sit here and tell you more about a LLWS game, or I could give you another clip from The Sandlot. That’s what I thought. As a reminder before I leave, America kicks ass. Your countries are stupid*.

(*Not Italy. Italy is awesome.)

12-Juan Urango

I’d love to tell you about this boxing match from Friday night, but then I’d have to have watched boxing. Since boxing died years ago, I certainly did not.

Here’s a video of Floyd Mayweather training Vince McMahon backstage on WWE’s Monday Night Raw this past week, which is the most interesting thing that’s happened in boxing in the last 10 years or so.

13-Crystal Langhorne and Marissa Coleman

18 points and 10 boards for Langhorne, 11 points for Coleman in a win for the Washington Mystics Sunday. I can’t believe I’m writing about the WNBA, but a Terp’s a Terp.

While we’re on the subject; here’s a gift for Forrester. I’m a thoughtful person.

shay

14-Richard Branson

virgin

Full disclosure here. I had tickets to Virgin Mobile FreeFest Sunday; and those tickets are still sitting on my desk. My cousin’s future husband had his bachelor party Sunday, and that took precedence. Plus, the lineup of Blink 182 & Weezer (no thanks), Jet (seen ’em once with Oasis), Franz Ferdinand (saw them at HFStival), and Public Enemy (I WOULD have liked to have seen them actually) didn’t inspire me all that much.

But the thing is; 35,000 people were at Merriweather Sunday, meaning this state’s economy was once again fortified by a major concert sponsored by Branson and Virgin Mobile. You know what that means? It means Branson KICKS ASS.

(Editor’s note: Apparently Oasis broke up again Friday because Noel and Liam Gallagher just absolutely CANNOT stop trying to kill each other. The Black Crowes were at Rams Head Live Sunday night, where Chris and Rich Robinson were quoted as saying “those guys should really look into family counseling. If you’re going to be in a band with your brother, you should really get along like we do!”)

15-Nachos

nachos

God is there anything in the world greater than nachos? You can put anything on them. They’re freaking WONDERFUL. You want chicken, beef, crab meat, jalapenos, onions, salsa, etc? I say yes to “all of the above.”

You think there’s a chance I could convince the people at Chick-Fil-A to start serving nachos?

You got lucky……

1-Heath Slocum, Loren Roberts, and M.J. Hur

As I told Forrester Sunday night after Slocum won The Barclays; it is NOT a good thing for some zero to beat Tiger Woods at the end of a golf tournament…….again. Might be good for the 2-3 nerds who would enjoy watching golf anyway; but not for someone like me, who might actually have a life. Key word there is “might.”

And for the record, I prefer Loren’s cousin Julia…..

julia

2-Dominican Baseball Players

Did anyone who read this story think to themselves: “That can’t be right, there’s no way a guy like Miguel Tejada did something like this.”

Didn’t think so.

(Editor’s note: I was going to say we didn’t miss him, but who are we kidding. Our team sucks and he can actually play.)

3-Carl Edwards and Ryan Briscoe

In racing news that is SIGNIFICANTLY more interesting than anything I can tell you about NASCAR or the IRL, Danica Patrick will not confirm that she will be participating in ESPN’s upcoming “Nude” magazine.

(Editor’s note: Apparently “nude” actually means a celebration of the athletic body. Thanks Deadspin for really killing all of my possible excitement about this “Body Issue.” Also, thanks for another sexual innuendo I can use next weekend. “Hey baby, why don’t you come back to my place and celebrate my athletic body.”)

Thanks also to Deadspin for linking this photo with their tip…..

danica

4-Andre Smith

This is good again. I can break down Smith’s contract with the Bengals; or we can watch the video from Andre Smith’s Pro Day.

As a reminder, this video may actually be NSFW.

5-Ohio State fans

I think Rich Rodriguez sucks too; so I’ll enjoy this as much as you will. Here’s another gift from me to you. I won’t be so generous next week; I hope Navy kicks your ass.

6-Manchester United

I actually love the fact that Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger tried to watch the end of the match from the crowd after being thrown out. I heard a rumor that after it didn’t work, he was going to try the Bobby Valentine approach……

bobby

7-Anyone who hasn’t heard “I’ve Got a Feeling” by The Black Eyed Peas so many times they want to rip their car radio out of the dash panel

This might be the one to set you off……

I’ll make a call next weekend; but I think this MIGHT beat out Maino for Official Summer Jam. Mazel Tov!

You’re a zero…..

Summer Ending

For the younger 15-7-0 readers who go back to school today, I feel for you. Last night was the worst night of the year. Totally understood.

Also to those readers, the next time Uncle Glenn asks you to bring him a “Blue Moon Cola”, please make sure to remember NOT to drink any of it before bringing it to him.

If I can TRY to brighten your day, remember that you’ll spend most of it just writing your name, and MAYBE, just MAYBE, this will happen today……

teacher

-G

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Beckham looks like new Jeter

Posted on 24 August 2009 by dansoderberg

White Sox rookie Third baseman Gordon Beckham has made quite a splash in his first few months in the American League.  Drafted in the first round of the 2008 draft out of the University of Gerogia, Beckham made his ML debut on 6/4/09.  He started off just 2 for his first 28 ABs, but quickly caught fire and hasn’t looked back.  Beckham is currently hitting .287 (.370 OBP) with 8 HRs and 46 RBI in his first 71 big league games.  In addition to providing a lift to the White Sox, Beckham has solved the black hole at third for the Whistle Pigs, my fantasy baseball team.

With all due respect to the Orioles Nolan Reimold, Beckham should be the AL Rookie of the Year.  Beckham has better numbers, plays in a bigger market and plays every day for a contender.  Watching Beckham line smashes from gap to gap has become a nightly occurence on Baseball Tonight.  When I watch Beckham hit I see Derek Jeter.  I wish Beckham a long and productive career, and if he is the next Jeter at least he doesn’t play for the Yankees…yet.

Josh Bell update – The Orioles flagship is reporting that Bowie 3rd Baseman Josh Bell will play in the Arizona Fall League, which begins in October.  Playing in the Fall League will give Bell the opportunity to amass another 80-100 ABs to continue his development and provide the Orioles an opportunity to evaluate Bell against other top prospects.  Hopefully this time next season I’ll be writing about Josh Bell taking the AL by storm, a la Gordon Beckham.

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15-7-0

Posted on 24 August 2009 by Glenn Clark

You get props……

1-Brian Roberts, John Danks, and Nolan Reimold

In other Orioles news, I was sitting at the Maryland football scrimmage Sunday when I found out that Adam Jones had left the game against the White Sox early. WNST’s Luke Jones asked me “Why?” and I responded “Because he had something better to do?”

If you don’t think that’s funny; you take yourself way too seriously. I’m looking at you, Melewski. Looking forward to MASN’s coverage of Maryland football this season. Also, the Maryland Cornhole Cup was rescheduled…..so Team Gator Bites has another chance to dominate. September 19th pal. You and I can run through the competition in Annapolis.

2-Roger Federer and Elena Dementieva

Apparently this girl won a tennis tournament this weekend………

elena

……..like it matters.

3-Shaun Hill and Derek Anderson

Maybe former Terps QB Shaun Hill should actually be on the “Lucky” list seeing as how he didn’t even have to PLAY and he locked up the starting QB job with the 49ers.

Of course, starting QB for the 49ers at this point has about as much prestige as being the starting QB for Glen Burnie High School.

That’s right Forrester; the Gophers suck.

Also, Derek Anderson may well have taken a step to securing the Browns’ starting QB job…..by somehow being not quite as awful as this human being……

quinn

4-David Pauley, Ryohei Tanaka, Brandon Waring and Joel Palanco

Elsewhere in Orioles minor league action this weekend; the Aberdeen Ironbirds were no-hit Sunday by Brooklyn’s Brandon Moore.

Which goes to show you that this organization is REALLY committed to getting you prepared for what life is going to be like once you come to Baltimore…….

5-Michelle Wie, Ryan Moore and Mike Reid

I want to thank WNST.net blogger BJ Appel, former Harford Community College golf standout Chris Appel, and their lovely family for hosting our fantasy football draft Saturday night. They supplied Gatorade, crabs, cookie bars, and I added orange drink and Doritos to the party. It couldn’t have been lovelier.

But it was slightly awkward when we walked downstairs and Chris was watching something that is apparently called “The Solheim Cup.”

I’m not entirely certain of what “The Solheim Cup” is, but I do know that no matter how many participants in the event looked like this……

creamer

…..this was not event created with heterosexual men in mind.

6-Kyle Busch and Dario Franchitti

Kyle Busch swept the NASCAR races at Bristol this season; which made Rex Snider interested………and no one else.

Speaking of sports no one is watching, my friend Dave Carey (formerly of the Baltimore Examiner) passed along this WNBA video game commercial he saw recently…….

…..which is good because I DO like layups, defense, jump shots, and layups!

7-Scott Feldman, Jack Cust, Michael Cuddyer, Chris Carpenter, Ryan Garko, Carlos Pena, Kevin Youkilis, Charlie Haeger, Roy Oswalt, Clayton Richard, Ryan Raburn and Hideki Matsui

Elsewhere in the world of baseball, Jason Giambi will reportedly join the Colorado Rockies.

Remember when SI called Giambi “the new face of baseball?”

giambi

I legitimately believe Otis Nixon would have been a better nominee for the award…..

nixon

(Editor’s note: Alex Cole may have been the unluckiest man in baseball card history.)

8-Jozy Altidore and Wayne Rooney

If you think I knew that the Premier League had begun, you’d be wrong. But I do know that since losing the UEFA Champions League to Fox; ESPN has invested a great deal in all sorts of other soccer. I’m all for this of course; as there’s nothing better than waking up after an evening of 13-15 hundred Clipper City Ales and having live sports on TV.

Of course, I guess whenever you wake up at 2pm there’s normally live sports on TV; but Premier League soccer is about 1,000,000,000,000,000 times better than waking up to Tom Davis and Phil Wood taking about the Nationals on my TV.

“Tom, let’s talk about the 1952 World Series”

Christ. Melewski and these guys deserve each other. I’m not completely certain, but I think they should re-name MASN “OWGHNIWPRGACAN” (Old White Guys Have No Idea What People Really Give A Crap About Network.)

9-Allyson Felix, Sanya Richards, Debbie Dunn and Lashinda Demus; Angelo Taylor, Jeremy Wariner, Kerron Clement and LaShawn Merritt and Brittney Reese

In other Track and Field news……..Usain Bolt is really fast?

Did Usain Bolt REALLY get a piece of the Berlin Wall? I’ve officially found a gift more useless than the copy of David Cassidy’s greatest hits I gave Josiah Potter for his 16th birthday.

Also, did we ever figure out if that one track chick was a dude or not? This has been the most distressing problem I’ve faced since I ran out of clean underwear last week and didn’t have time to do laundry before having to go back to Training Camp.

You expect me to let you know how I solved this problem; but I’m pretty sure you already know.

10-Tim Tebow

I’m not REALLY impressed by the fact that Florida was selected preseason number 1 in the AP poll; I’m just contractually obligated to remind you of how great Tim Tebow is at least once a blog.

Look man, the first time you go to the Philippines and perform circumcisions; I’ll blog about you. In the meantime, have another sip of your Zima and remember that Lord Tebow is greater than you.

11-McDaniel College

Successfully hosted roughly 100,000 Ravens fans this year during Training Camp. Maybe the most remarkable statistic is that I only nearly fought with ONE member of the S.A.F.E. management team this year.

It’s not that I’m suggesting that Training Camp should move from Westminster. But if it were to, maybe THIS could be an acceptable alternative?

hooters

12-Luke Ramirez and Andy Rios, Nicholas Smisek and Steven Cardone

I kinda think the whole Little League World Series concept is weird. But I know that if I were to start a Little League team, Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez would be my first pick…..

the jet

And while we’re here; let’s just go ahead and get this out of the way…..

How can baseball be so awful yet The Sandlot be the greatest movie of all time???

13-Caleb Porzel and Eric Franklin

I couldn’t help but notice how much better the running backs were than the quarterbacks at Sunday’s Maryland Football Scrimmage.

That may or may not be a good thing. But Porzel looks like he’s going to be special.

I do have one suggestion for the Terps’ freshman running back. No matter how great you get, stay away from this woman….

kardashian

Look man, I know. I’ve lost hours on that ass myself, and I’ve never even met her. But it has ruined greater men. Just trust me.

14-Third Eye Blind

I picked up a copy of their new CD “Ursa Major”, selected Track 4 and permanently selected “repeat”……

I dare you to tell me about why you like Weezer. Christ.

15-The K-Series and Magic Hat Wacko

kseries
wacko
It is really difficult for me to explain what my Friday night was like. But I CAN tell you that it involved a few hundred Wackos and a house where they had an industrial sized oven on the back patio. I affectionately referred to it as “The K Series.”

Apparently I was at a house in Jarrettsville……which may or may not actually be in America. An ex of mine (The Artist Formerly Known as the Luckiest Dang Gal on the Face of the Planet?) had a party at a house that was so bizarre it isn’t even possible for me to really capture the awesomeness of the place.

It had a beach.
It had a strange greenhouse structure.
It had wires hanging everywhere.
It had a random man holding an umbrella.

If this was your house, please don’t be offended. I really found your place to be very awesome. And really freaking weird.

You got lucky…….

1-Eric Bruntlett

Yeah, cause sometimes THIS just happens…….

This would be like me accidentally wandering into Mother’s in Federal Hill and walking out with this…..

kunis

Speaking of which, have you heard that the guy who made “The Wrestler” is making a movie in which Mila Kunis has “aggressive sex” with Natalie Portman?

I’m not a Bill Simmons fan at all; but I’m pretty sure after seeing this movie, I will be able to write the sequel to “Now I Can Die In Peace.”

2-Anyone who can punt at the new Texas Stadium

LOLOLOLOLOL!

I love the fact that Jerry Jones is now failing at everything he does. Sorta like his scheduling for the final game in the OTHER Texas Stadium……

The Cowboys are just awful. They and the Redskins deserve each other. Is there any rivalry in the world that features such passion between two teams despite the fact that NO ONE outside the two cities gives a crap about either of them?

3-Loyola College Students

I have no idea who won the showdown between Michael Phelps and Shaquille O’Neal Sunday night; mostly because I chose to go to a real college (Maryland) instead of being a Greyhound. But Shaquille O’Neal is so awesome that even he can make Michael Phelps interesting enough to be worth watching. Plus, he did this…….

4-Ricketts Family

I have a suggestion, Ricketts family. Want to make the Cubs kick ass again? Re-sign this man…..

henry

“ROWENGARTNER!”
“He knows my name!”

5-Juan Diaz and Andre Berto

Just when Chad Ochocinco was starting to seem cool again…….

……he had to go and turn into an ass again. I hope Andre Berto pounds him to within an inch of his life.

Meanwhile, Diaz won a questionable decision over Paulie Malignaggi in Houston. After the fight, he said some NSFW things like “boxing is full of sh*t” and “nobody watches boxing anymore because of sh*t like this.”

Which at least goes to show that he understands EXACTLY what’s going on currently in his sport.

6-Brett Favre

Who’s more popular in the North/Midwest? Favre……or Buscemi?

(Editor’s Note: Language NSFW. Unless you work at Perry Hall High School. Speaking of which, TLDGOTFOTP spends her first day as a teacher at Perry Hall Middle School tomorrow. I told her not to be worried because it’s safer to know that some of the kids are carrying guns.)

7-Anyone who has insurance for their Fantasy Football team

Look man, I’m a little worried about the long-term health of my 3rd round pick (Kurt Warner) myself; especially seeing as how I also selected Larry Fitzgerald and Steve Breaston…….but INSURANCE?

(Editor’s note: Also, if you’re the guy who Skypes into a Fantasy Football Draft and is COMPLETELY unprepared, it might be time to find a new league. Drafting Joe Flacco will only salvage you so much in my mind.)

You’re a zero……..

Anyone (like me) who never had the privilege of eating an ice cream bar with Hulk Hogan on it

icecream

As I was stealing an internet stream of Summerslam Sunday night (Jeff Hardy leaping off a ladder to drive CM Punk through the announce table? Yes please.), it came to my attention that there was once an ice cream bar that featured the Hulkster right there on the cookie. I don’t know how this ever happened……but I am good and embarrassed.

As far as the greatest inventions of all time are concerned; I know electricity and the light bulb were cool, and sliced bread has its place, but there is no doubt that this is Number 1……with a bullet.

(Editor’s note: Here’s the video of Hardy pummeling Punk. I’m sure it’ll be up for at least 10 minutes or so…..)

Flexing my mic muscles since 1983……

-G

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Do the White Sox covet George Sherrill?

Posted on 29 July 2009 by Nestor Aparicio

We’re getting down to the nitty gritty on the MLB trading deadline. The Cliff Lee deal today and a few other minor deals will have folks buzzing over the next 36 hours.

Ken Rosenthal floated some information today that was interesting in regard to George Sherrill at Fox Sports.

From Rosenthal:

“As many as eight teams are pursuing Orioles closer George Sherrill, and two or three are “actively engaged” with Baltimore in discussions, according to a major-league source.

The Orioles expect that the number of teams serious about Sherrill actually might grow once the big-name starting pitchers get traded — or not.

The Dodgers have maintained interest in Sherrill, and a number of their prospects appeal to the Orioles. The Angels are “mildly” involved, according to one major-league source.

The Phillies are unlikely to act on Sherrill now that they are preparing to trade four prospects for Indians left-hander Cliff Lee.”

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Monday Morning’s Crabs and Beer

Posted on 20 July 2009 by Glenn Clark

Don’t get me started on the Salazar-Meredith trade. If you want to trade Salazar; that’s fine. It really doesn’t bother me much. Salazar IS no more than a nice bench piece. But this idea that you NEEDED to trade Salazar because you couldn’t possibly let go of Felix Pie is nuts.

Also, “Andy MacPhail didn’t do it again.” He acquired a less than mediocre reliever. It was a little for nothing trade.

Let’s see what everyone else has to say….

Best of Sunday’s WNST Blogs:

Drew Forrester says Cla Meredith already proved himself to be ‘also-ran’

Bob Haynie says Ravens, Suggs handled negotiations in ‘calm, professional way’

Glenn Clark says Zaun proving to be power hitting catcher Wieters hasn’t been

ORIOLES:

The Official Site’s Patrick Mooney says Guthrie went 8 innings to help Birds top White Sox

The Official Site provides numerical evidence of win

The Official Site’s Patrick Mooney says David Hernandez returns tonight to face Andy Pettitte, Yankees in New York

The Official Site’s Patrick Mooney says Birds trade Salazar to San Diego for pitcher Cla Meredith

White Sox Official Site’s Jesse Temple says Contreras suffered from ‘control issues’ in loss to Birds

The Sun’s Dan Connolly says Zaun crushed 3 run homer, tallied 4 RBI for Birds in win over Pale Hose

The Sun’s Dan Connolly says MacPhail believes Meredith gives O’s ‘different look in bullpen’

The Sun’s Dan Connolly says Bombers outscored Birds 27-9 in sweep in teams’ first series at Yankee Stadium this season

The Sun’s Peter Schmuck thinks Mickolio will head back down to make room for Meredith

The AP says Luke Scott added RBI double for Birds in win

Carroll County Times says Meredith had 4-2 record, 4.17 ERA with Padres this season before trade

Examiner Jay Trucker says MacPhail believes Meredith could be ‘poor man’s Chad Bradford’

Chicago Tribune’s Dave Van Dyck says 32,000 saw Birds top ChiSox at U.S. Cellular Field

Chicago Sun-Times’ Toni Ginnetti says Getz, Wise homered for White Sox in loss

Chicago Daily Herald’s Scot Gregor says Contreras gave up 4 walks, hit 2 batters with pitches, and uncorked 2 wild pitches in loss

ORIOLES MINOR LEAGUES:

Norfolk Tides Official Site says Andy Mitchell improved to 8-2 with win over Charlotte

Bowie Baysox Official Site says Ambiorix Concepcion had all 3 RBI for Baysox in loss to Akron

Frederick Keys Official Site says Crancer homered for Keys in win over Wilmington

Delmarva Shorebirds Official Site says Victor Castillo had both RBI for Shorebirds in loss to Bowling Green

Aberdeen Ironbirds Official Site says Tyler Sexton’s 6 shutout innings not enough as Ironbirds fell to Vermont

Bluefield Orioles Official Site says Mike Flacco got only hit for Orioles in loss to Johnson City

The Sun’s Dean Jones Jr. says Sean Gleason picked up win for Keys over Blue Rocks

Virginian-Pilot’s Rainer Sabin says Blake Davis tagged Bartolo Colon for home as Tides topped Knights

RAVENS:

The AP says McNair’s death has changed the way some athletes think

SI’s Sean Payton (he coaches the Saints, you know) remembers McNair as ‘fierce competitor’

NFL.com’s Pat Kirwan says Heap not showing back injury at American Century Celebrity Golf Championship

Fox Sports’ Ed Thompson says Mason needs to actually make decision

ESPN.com’s James Walker says Ravens ‘smart’ to invest money on defensive side of ball

TERRAPINS FOOTBALL:

The Diamondback’s Michael Lemaire says Bruce Campbell could become ‘dominant’ left tackle

COPPIN BASKETBALL:

The Official Site says former Eagle Tywain McKee scored 4 for Wizards in Summer League win over Knicks

BLAST:

Examiner Richard Crabbe says Machel Millwood thought winning championship ‘good feeling’

HORSE RACING:

Daily Racing Form’s Mike Farrell says Belmont winner Summer Bird worked out in preparation for Haskell Invitational

SWIMMING:

Swimnetwork.com’s Bob Schaller says Phelps’ presence alone brings media attention alone to sport

INDYCAR RACING:

The Sun’s Kevin Cowherd supportive of making Baltimore Grand Prix happen

SOME QUICK THOUGHTS:

-Please check out my 15-7-0. I’m spent from this weekend.

Talk to you tomorrow.

-G

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15-7-0

Posted on 20 July 2009 by Glenn Clark

You get props…..

1-Jim Thome, Jeremy Guthrie and Gregg Zaun

“Sliced bread is actually the best thing since Gregg Zuan.”

OH, LOL! Relax Baltimore; we’ve been waiting for our power-hitting catcher! He’s just a few years older than what we expected.

And by a few years, I mean 64.

But he did have 4 more RBI than Matt Wieters Sunday. He should probably be the permanent catcher for Jeremy Guthrie; who, for a day at least, resembled a pitcher again.

I resembled a pitcher once. Unfortunately it was this pitcher……

colon

(I like to call him “The Dominican Bachman” myself)

2-Troy Aikman, Lou Holtz, John Cooper, Thurman Thomas, Jay Novacek, Jim Donnan, Randall McDaniel, and Roger Brown

John Cooper’s special day wasn’t quite the same after he realized Lloyd Carr had beat him to the induction ceremony.

It was strange to hear Lou Holtz open his speech by saying “I’m happy to be here and all, but I just don’t know if I’m good enough. I really have no idea how I can compete with a fella like Jim Donnan. He’s just so good. We’re lucky to be here. I don’t think we have a chance of winning.”

Troy Aikman and Jay Novacek said they were thankful to have the chance to remember their life before their pro careers. They only wished their teammate Michael Irvin was capable of doing the same thing.

All of these one-liners are just part of the new “Glenn Clark’s corny one-liner” Comedy Class which will be available this semester at the Community College of Baltimore County. It isn’t actually a credited class; just an excuse for me to try to surround myself by pretty girls with low standards.

3-Bo Van Pelt and Rick Rhoden

Bo Van Pelt won the golf tournament this weekend that you were allowed to play in if you weren’t good enough to play in the other actually important golf tournament. You know-the one that was nearly won by a guy who retired 15 years ago.

Does Bo Van Pelt really get a trophy for that accomplishment? REALLY?

The event Rhoden won was called the “I don’t watch golf when the talented players play; why in the hell would I watch when the guys who aren’t talented play?” Open. It’s some sort of celebrity event; which still confuses me as to why Rhoden is there.

But thanks to Deadspin for this screen shot of Michael Jordan and an inflatable penis. You didn’t read that wrong; it’s just Michael Jordan and an inflatable penis. Which reminds me of the average Thursday at my grandparents’ house.

jordan

4-Brandon Snyder, Wally Crancer, Nathan Moreau, Patrick Kantakevich, and Matt Hobgood

Thus far in his pro career, Matt Hobgood has given up one run on hits over 1 inning; and has committed one error.

I was going to make a crack here about how he was already better than Rich Hill; but I’m a little concerned about Rich Hill’s self confidence. Look at the poor kid…..

hill
I’d say he could drown his sorrows with 3-400 beers; but he can’t legally drink for another 5 years.

(Editor’s note: Please tell me his baseball card doesn’t look like one of those cards you had in Little League. Hilarious!)

5-Robin Soderling

Won a tennis tournament this weekend. You’d probably care more, but you thought Robin Soderling did the song “Show Me Love” in 1993.

6-Alberto Contador

Seriously, why the hell does EVERYONE IN THE WORLD have a better name than I do? Helio Castroneves? Dario Franchitti? Steele Stanwick? ALBERTO FREAKING CONTADOR????????

Clearly their parents loved me more than my parents loved me. Which I’m just going to have to live with.

Lance Armstrong apparently won’t be winning the Tour De France. Which only means that the Tour de France’s ratings will again be a 2 instead of a 5.

(Editor’s note: Those ratings points aren’t in millions.)

7-John Lackey, J.A. Happ, Jason Marquis, Dan Haren, Clayton Kershaw, Roy Oswalt, and Bronson Arroyo

You know what. I take it all back. J.A. Happ’s name is actually Jay Happ. HAHA! Someone’s parents loved them less than my parents loved me!!!!!!!

(Editor’s note: My parents really do love me. With that in mind, can I borrow like $100? And by “borrow”, I mean “spend on beer and never pay you back.”)

arroyo

That’s a picture of Bronson Arroyo and a person who I assume must be a close family friend.

Don’t get too suicidal just yet. I mean, if you heard this, you’d sleep with him too….

8-Michael Phelps

God is this a stretch. I’m honoring Michael Phelps for winning more ESPY awards than anyone else; and the ESPY awards were actually taped on Wednesday; then aired on Sunday.

Of course, this gave me the perfect opportunity to find out what else was on TV Sunday night; because I’d rather have a giant wart on my foot than watch the ESPY’s.

(Editor’s note: the last line was probably only funny to my friend Julie; who recently had a wart removed from her foot. She’d be really embarrassed if she ever knew I wrote this publicly, but she’s a pretty girl; so there’s no chance she’ll ever read it. Yeah, pretty girls ignore me. It’s like high school all over again.)

Back to the point; as I Facebooked Sunday night (and if you’re not my Facebook friend, your life isn’t quite as meaningful), having the ESPY’s as the only sports viewing option Sunday night; I decided to give Brooke Knows Best a shot.

hogan

Who am I kidding? I watch every week.

9-Nik Caner-Medley

This is going to come as a surprise to you; but I had no idea Nik Caner-Medley was playing for the LA Clippers’ Summer League team. No, I’m serious. I stopped stalking him 7 months ago.

After hitting a pull-up jumper over Wizards guard Nick Young, Caner-Medley laughed and said “I’m from Maryland. Nobody can beat me.”

GOD IT NEVER GETS OLD!!!!!!

10-Garrett Jones, Albert Pujols, and Alfonso Soriano

In other baseball news; Orlando Hudson will reportedly end up collecting more than double his salary thanks to an incentive-laden contract. No word on whether the Orioles can seek an incentive-laden refund from Felix Pie.

11-The Blackberry Commercial with U2 doing “I’ll Go Crazy If I Don’t Go Crazy Tonight”

Never before have I wanted to buy a Blackberry, spend 100 dollars to see a band from the upper deck of a football stadium; AND somehow try to change my life to make myself a better person. You want the definition of effective advertising? Holy crap.

12-Kyle Busch and NASCAR

With newspapers no longer being able to afford to send motorsports writers across the country to watch grown men drive cars; NASCAR has figured out another way to fill their press boxes, and it is absolutely a smart idea. Bloggers can now apply for credentials to NASCAR races. Well, bloggers NASCAR approves of anyway. Which truly does go to show that anyone can have a voice in the era of new media. Even if their thoughts are WAY off base. Sorta like this noted NASCAR follower…..

rex

13-D2: The Mighty Ducks

Look, my TV was just as confused as you’d imagine when I flipped to the Hallmark Channel Saturday morning. My TV actually said to me “Dude, you don’t even let your girlfriend watch this channel.”

But if you don’t think this is the most inspiring scene in the history of movies, kindly leave.

I wish I could explain this further, but this scene lead to my best friend (noted musician John Chambers of “The Waywords”; whose new record is available on iTunes and I’ll charge him for that plug later) nearly having to go to the hospital before Artscape Saturday. Use your imagination.

14-Smoothie King’s “Caribbean Way”

smoothie

Are they a sponsor? Who cares. They’re AMAZING. This is what God intended for us to drink. (He intended for us to eat Chick-Fil-A chicken sandwiches if you’re asking.)

15-Robert Randolph

HOLY CRAP WHAT WAS THIS??????

I think I just got pregnant.

I can only pray that anyone who attended Artscape Saturday night realized just what it was they were witnessing. July 18, 2009 will forever be remembered as the day that one man saved the city of Baltimore.

One of our former interns had to leave right after Robert’s 2nd song. My girlfriend (You know her-“The Luckiest Dang Gal on the Face of the Planet”) looked at me and said “Where is she going?” I looked back and said “I don’t know. But I know this much. It’s not as good as here.”

Did anyone notice the sharp-looking Joe Flacco jersey Robert’s bassist-Danyel-was sporting? I wonder where that came from…..

Oh right. You’re welcome Baltimore.

You got lucky……..

1-Kenny Cooper Jr. and Nicci Wright

Holy crap we almost lost to Panama???? Why the hell are all of our good players playing for money right now???? Poor Bob Bradley had to let Jason Berken play!!!!!

In news completely unrelated to soccer; hearing the name Nicci Wright (the Washington women’s team’s coach who pitched a shutout when pressed into action as a goalkeeper) reminded me that adult film actress Nikki Benz is attractive…..

benz

She pitched a shutout once too. Yeah, in my pants! High five!

2-Stewart Cink

This is really a shame. I was looking forward to seeing Tom Watson drink from the Claret Jug. Of course it would have been prune juice; but I bet it would have been a wild party nonetheless.

Congratulations to Stewart Cink for beating up an old man. I’d be more upset, but it’s golf. I legitimately picked Nick Faldo to win the damn thing the other day. Tom Watson winning wouldn’t have been an amazing accomplishment; this is the same sport that has crowned John Daly king on more than one occasion.

3-The guy standing outside Erin Andrews’ peephole………

…….for now.

andrews

Let’s admit two things here:

One-we all think whoever is responsible is a creep who deserves to suffer a lawsuit and/or prison time. He’s the lowest of low human beings; and completely disgusting.

Two-Not one of us can really admit to having not Googled “Erin Andrews peephole” at some point this weekend.

Look man, if it didn’t exist; I would have never searched. (Editor’s note: That’s probably not true. I probably would have searched at some point in my life even if I didn’t know it existed. There’s always a hope, right?)

Also, I don’t really get the fascination this country has with Erin Andrews. I mean, there are other hot chicks in the world of sports, aren’t there?

marks

Okay, maybe that wasn’t the best example.

4-Oscar Salazar

You mean to tell me that I don’t have to play for the Orioles anymore?

And I get to move here……?

sd

This is a joke, right? You’re all just having fun with old Oscar; aren’t you???

5-Maikon Bonani

Haven’t heard the story? The South Florida kicker fell 30 feet from an amusement park ride and is apparently okay.

I remember growing up I always felt like the people who were running the potentially dangerous thrill rides at my favorite amusement parks were probably expertly trained, highly paid, and easily the most responsible people in the world. If lives were in peril; they would be immediately available to step in and save the day.

But after a recent trip to a local amusement park (the one in Largo. It will remain nameless.), I have now become very aware that the ride operators are about as qualified for difficult situations as I am to talk about Sonya Sotomayor. Who I think will make a hell of a Secretary of State whenever the UN gets around to giving her the ol’ thumbs up.

(Editor’s Note: Please don’t tell me it is spelled “Sonia.” This was a bit. “Sonia” Sotomayor is going to be the next attorney general. I know that. I’m not stupid.)

(Editor’s 2nd Note: Does anyone else find it funny that I write these notes as the “editor” when I don’t actually do any editing? I usually just type out whatever nonsense comes to my mind at 1am and then I allow Intern Steven Patrick to tell me Monday morning that I spelled “figuratively” as “pineapple.” Look man, we all make mistakes.)

6-Anyone who got their news from Walter Cronkite

You had one of the great newsmen of all-time. We have Andy Rooney bitching about fruit.

[metacafe]http://www.metacafe.com/watch/cb-pXIzaMIWUQXMZ1WQCjdxuZ_DjqzCD1_l/rooney_eat_more_fruit/[/metacafe]

7-Nerds

Could you imagine a better weekend to come out of your parents’ basement? I mean, not only did Harry Potter come out and make something like 100 trillion dollars; but Baltimore became the world’s nerd hub for the weekend….

otakon

Thanks to Examiner.com for the picture of……..that. Otakon hit the Baltimore Convention Center, and from what I can tell; Otakon is basically just the same as your average downtown bar or club. Everyone there is just trying to get laid. The only difference is that most of the people at your average bar or club have actually gotten laid before.

You’re a zero……

(CORRECTED MONDAY AFTER MY POOR MISTAKE. MY APOLOGIES TO MICHAEL KAY, WHO I AM GUESSING PROBABLY DOES NOT READ THIS ANYWAY…..)

John Sterling

sterling

On Friday night, I heard something so vile I almost threw my beer across the room.

“Long fly ball……….that’s a Tex Message, to the 2nd deck. You’re on the mark, Teixeira!”

I want to drive to New York tomorrow to boo both of them. That’s worse than the “A-Bomb for A-Rod.”

Ugh.

-G

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